Need to start all over!

Hello,

I havent heard from you in a while? are you keeping okay? Hope you are .

Keep Posting,

pauly

Just an update for my own records and kind people who have taken time to encourage me in my recovery.

I have been staying out of the bookies altogether which for me is a great sign. I do keep feeling like Jeckyll and Hyde at times in my recovery.I am sure other people relate to this.

For some reason the 'thought of gambling' and risk taking makes my adrenaline go up and I am ashamed to say it still feels exciting, or at least the thought.

I am stronger now than I ever was at controlling the urges. I know if I act on those 'adrenaline twinges' I will get a real low from losing and if I win I would also dread that as the compuslive addicted gambler can never come out on top!

I would say it has taken me 10 years to admit my problem and realise I am actually addicted even to the very thought of gambling and it was totally controlling my life.... Especially in last five years....

Anyway I have been out of the bookies for over a week now and I feel in a better position.

Just as well as in this recession I have had my already part time hours cut by about 10% so I need to save every penny I can.

I really realise the value of money now. This year with tough times has been the year when I could have done with that money for the 'rainy day'. However gambling has taken away all savings and put me in debt as so many other people.

I have to admit the 'thought of gambling' passed in my mind today, but logic has won over and I will not be going in the bookies. In anycase my cards are in a safe place with family member.

I will have to keep thinking about my last relapse when I lost the last £60 in my massive overdraft which ruined a beautiful day just before Easter.

Gambling is a no-no situtation for me now never a 'win-win' as we are falsely led to believe by the industry.

Awayout

Hi awayout,

Good to see you updating your diary!

"Thoughts" only cause a problem when we act upon them. I have "thoughts" sometimes, but I kill them off at the root. Thoughts.. feelings..actions. That moment of adrenaline that has led you, that has led me to gamble... it always passes. Manage the feeling in some other way. regards.. S.A 🙂

Thanks SA thinking about something else and doing something else does help.

Went to the library today which helped a lot.

Also I am trying to find other ways of making a bit of extra cash without gambling...

I have not been out gambling as perhaps I thought I might end up doing. I am getting that sort of sickly sweet feeling that others have described.

A kind of hungry wistful feeling which I guess is the withdrawal symptoms we all get.

I have also to make sure I eat properly I find not eating can sometimes trigger gambling thoughts dont know why, maybe something to do with the on the edge feeling. I remember often 'half starving' myself when on gambling binges...

Anyway heres to a better weekend that the gambling one. Last weekend I also managed to stay off and went to the beach with friends instead!

Awayout

Hi it is uplifting to know you can get over the urges which I think every gambler thrives on. That rush which makes us continue even when we are losing or winning and then inevitably lose again.

And like you have said in your diary its knowing we will suffer a low after the event. I have just had that low and dont want to keep feeling this way.

So reading you are strong enough to get over these destructive feelings makes me realise it can be done and know it is an ongoing progress.

Good luck and look forward to reading your diary.

Min x

Thanks Min!

I don't want you to think I am over this a long way but it is encouraging to hear people see glimpses of hope in my recovery.

Wherever you are now in your recovery there is always hope and never forget that anyone reading this....

I have to admit to buying a couple lotto tickets in the past few days but have stayed off all the normal betting venues casinos/online/bookies. You guessed it hardly a number what a waste!

I am trying to be more relaxed aboout things. I have done quite well in my alternative activities which has helped.

Through extra hard work I may have made enough money to pay off one of my smaller loans which will give me a breather if the deal goes through...

Fingers crossed. Still a long long way to go as regards finances.

Enjoying the Sunday away from gambling. My family have gone out and I am in the house alone this time I have given them peace of mind as there is no way to gamble!

When I think of the stress I was putting them and myself through - it beggars belief!

Still some stress over my financial independence (don't have that anymore) and large debt over my head but not anyway as near as bad a being involved in 'greedy , destructive and selfish gambling'.

Might write that slogan down somewhere and remember GDS!

Awayout

Getting over my 3 week cold now and life feels good!

Have stayed away from gambling and have done the 'other things' to stay off.

Enjoying my few days off. This has always been a difficult time. Loneliness, boredom often led me to gamble. Now I am finding ways of beating this.

Anyone out there struggling today there is a slow progression away from this addiction although it is always there at the back of your mind!

Stay in there Awayout

Hello Awayout,

Well done your staying strong. I just got paid today but im being sensible. Booked a holiday all-inclusive for July this year.

Paying all my important bills first. Going to be a quiet month. I had the cold myself for a week. I have to agree Awayout sometimes when your bored you end up in these places.

I live in the City and there is 5 bookies up the street from me. Very close to me. I am staying away from these hell holes. Not funding them. I have to put myself first just like you should do AWAYOUT.

How has your work been lately? Im very busy myself. Going to work longer hours and stay out of trouble.

Anyway keep posting.

Stay out

Stay AWAYOUT

Regards,

Pauly.

Work is a bit stressy at the moment off for a few days so Ok now!

People seem to resent other people having holidays as we are so short staffed. That is retail at the moment.

The D manager made some sarcastic comment about 'don't think you're having it easy' when I was leaving work last day before holiday.

I thought the cheek of it as I have worked hard for that holiday and I am entitiled to it and also they had just been having a week off about 2 days back and another 4 days off.

There are so may people going off with stress etc it is unbelieveable....

I wish I had said something back like ' well I think I deserve a holiday etc' not having one day off sick etc....

Anyway I expect many people have seen the skiving people at work who seem to get away with it. Making excuses like stress, depression when 99% it is laziness. Not to say a few aren't genuine.

Sometimes I feel like I am pulling the weight for other people. The pay is low.

Sorry to go on but that is the truth about work. Colleagues being moaners , lecturing me what to do even though same grade etc etc all too petty in retail for my liking at the moment and half the time it is because they are trying to do as little as poss themselves in the workplace!!!

Enough rants enjoying a work and gamble free day!

Not going to lie found my way onto a website accepting non-card payment after a trial block I had ended.

Will have to install the new block!

Awayout

Hi you stay strong. Dont be like me and gamble away all your wages. Remember that horrible gutty feeling when the debts start to role in. You carry on with that good feeling. Read some of the other diaries and your first entry and I am sure it will make u realise that you are the sensible one!!! good luck and stay strong. Min x

Hey awayout.

where you been/ enjoying that well deserved time off i hope

u should post here more often i think your posts are always very introspective and i think its good for you to self relfect.

maybe some of those barriers you have right now need re-working.... i hope u don't have to resort to no internet! That would really be a great loss.

Must be something you can do though to stop them urges in their tracks.

Good luck

nwn

Hello Awayout,

I certainly agree with the last writer. I used to gamble online and i have to say it nearly destroyed me. Id no escape from gambling. Thank god I had the sense and strength to leave these sites. I have no doubt if I had of stayed I would have ruined my life.

Awayout keep posting you must not give up on your struggle. You have only one life AND I'd hate to see you throw it all away.

You have a weakness but I feel your kinda giving up. Fight this Awayout you have the power within you.

All the best,

Kind regards,

pauly

Awayout,

You say you found your way onto a gambling site????,i can only conclude you went looking for one!!!!!.

Its another slip in your series of slips,when will you learn??????,this gambling addiction pounces on any weaknesses.

Once again i HOPE you can find a way,some way,anyway to that better life that IS out there and waiting for you.

Regards,

"" A NEW LIFE ""

Awayout

You have come to this website to stop gambling. There are several practical tips that have been suggested to you. You still find yourself on gambling sites. One question I would like to ask.

What stops you from following the advice and practical tips given here?

Read through your whole diary as if it were someone else and then reply to the diary with some brutal honesty.

Please take care and give yourself a shake!

Steve E