Need to start all over!

Hi Awayout..

This can be your year. See what damage your gambling continues to do to your life. Like you say.. you can never just have one bet. The money always goes. gambling is not going to solve your financial or emotional issues.. just like its never going to solve mine. Make this your year.. one day at a time.. S.A 🙂

Hi Diary/All friends here

Thought I had better update.

I need to write in my diary more. All I keep doing is setting myself up for a fall.... over a month since I last posted but reading a few posts.. obviously knew I was at a danger point.

To 'cut to the chase' I went to another town with £20 in my pocket and a new credit card with access to £700. Very stupid thing to do after progress had been made...

I was going to look round town. I did buy something to eat + drink. Then planned perhaps to buy shoes/go in another one of my favourite shops.

Instead I ended up in the arcade. I had £10 on me went on the slots had some luck and won £60. I should have thought that was a nice amount of cash and left. Instead put it all back in... (could have had a slap up shopping day with £60)

Instead went back to cashpoint withdrew max £300 (stupid as cash charges high anyway). Felt I had a good chance of getting that £20 back + the £50 won before.

Stupid, stupid. My shopping day ended up being in arcade from about 1.30pm to 8.30pm yes 7 hours.... Had times when my pot was £200 full. Ended up walking out a total -£150 down because I missed my bus because of the lengthy gambling session. Had to get taxi £19.00 down the drain to add to my losses.

By the end of this nightmare 7 hours session I was like a zombie pumping coins into these £500 jackpot machines...

What I think got me gambling like a mad a** fly was I saw a lady who had already won one £500 jackpot go on another machine next to me and win £250, then later I saw her pick up a further £500 on the machine I had come off. By the end I was a person feeling sweaty, wet clammy palms. Feeling aimless but immersed in that little world. What a waste of a day...

Maybe it is the fact I have never won a £500 jackpot myself on these machines that still draws me to these places... Probably better I did not win it as would be back again even quicker. To think I was once only ever a horse backer but did liked going on the 2p fruities at the seaside or the fair as a kid.

Anyway feeling tired and drained, normal stress headache. It was obvious I was setting myself up to gamble even if I pretend I was going shopping I know I was thinking about gambling. I could have taken a 'profit' or walked out even on numerous occasions but all I wanted was to gamble more to self-destruction.

I let my mum down again. Feeling depressed with gambling again. Need to buck my ideas up and keep posting.

Now further in debt on credit card (expensive).

A bad day. I made it so gambling. Normally anything that revolves around money/gambling element means self destruction for me.

I don't want this is in my life anymore. So why do I keep going back to gambling? It seems to be at emotional points in my life and feeling short of cash (ironically, as gambling usually makes me poorer) where I gamble more. For example, last week was Valentine's day also short on bill. I am single and always find it reminds me of my loneliness and lack of relationship.

Awayout

Hi Awayout... and good to see you post even though its not good news. I relate to what you say... I always have. Last month I pumped £300 into a £500 jackpot machine and won small amounts which i then of course pumped back in. Even if i'd of got that elusive £500 jackpot i'd of then simply started feeding the machine next to it or the one next to that........ the money always goes!! For me ive just got to try and keep these facts in my thick skull 100% of the time not just 99% of the time.

For us Cg's its about a shift in thinking isn't it??

Gambling IS NOT going to solve our financial problems.

Gambling IS NOT going to solve our emotional problems.

Gambling makes our lives progressively worse. FULL STOP

The only solution is not to gamble. All the best to you.. S.A

Thank you SA. Today I have a clear head after yesterday's madness.

I am sorry to hear about your relapse last month I had not read your diary.

I think you have hit the nail on the head. Gambling does not fix financial/emotional problems in fact in worsens them. I also need to get it in to my thick gambler's mentality via 20 years of losing at gambling. I cannot even START gambling it is a road to destruction for us CGs.

I am more like 95% of the time thinking about the consequences but failing 5% which is enough to lose loads of cash and cause more depression and emotional/financial problems.

All the best Awayout

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP

I did not have any hope of staying stopped until I finally got the above phrase into my head. Even then I had a major relapse after 9 months.

Stopping gambling is easy because after bad losses we always vow to not gamble again as we are shaken back to our senses. After time the initial effect wears off and we feel that we can control gambling whereas the truth is the complete opposite. Gambling will always control us whilst we try to fight it. We have to turn our back on gambling and walk away as this is the only way that people like you and me can beat this thing.

I hope that you are soon over the blip and back on course mate.

All the best

Stumper

Thanks for your support!

Yes stumper you are right about after a relapse, the loss of money and emotional turmoil might keep you off gambling for a while when the pain stays fresh in your memory. Though in the past even that was not enough when I had cash to blow.

Then, as you say as the memory of that pain fades gambling becomes all too real a possibility again. Especially when recovering a bit financially, and just needing that 'bit more' to make things more comfortable. That is a joke! More gambling inevitably leads to more losses sooner or later 99% of the time.

I ALSO CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP. I need that in my head. I may as well save up, hand over all my cards and cash and available cash balance to the booky each year in one lump sum, because in effect gambling has been a complete waste of time and money.

I AM NOT A GOOD GAMBLER. I AM RUBBISH AT GAMBLING. I used to convince myself I could be skillful at gambling or the luck would change for a long period of time but it never lasts long.

Gambling does not care who you are it is not a 'feeling or caring thing' it chews you up and spits you out again. It does not say I have not paid you out for x times onw its your turn. So many CGs will know what I say when you think 'this will be my lucky day' or I have had so many losing sessions ' I am certain to win sooner or later'. Well those big win cycles playing roulette and FOBTS and online never happened. All my gambling sessions end up losing sooner not later!!

This is only my 2nd day not gambling since last relapse on Saturday. Looking forward to many, many more.

Gambling for me IS NOT a way of making money. Gambling is a way of ALWAYS LOSING.

Awayout

Good way of looking at things mate. Like you I am a rubbish gambler or else I would probably not be here. Lets face it if we were any good at gambling, would we want to stop?

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP

All the best

Stumper

Hi... well I am a rubbish gambler to and like you the memory of past losses fades quickly. The thoughts of trying to win a little extra money through gambling never fully fade away despite the fact that 99.9% of the time I gamble my money away. Its a dreadful addiction we share thats for sure. Like stumper says.. we cannot win because we cannot stop.. pure and simple. Stay focussed as i try to do the same.. S.A 🙂

I am really beginning to think I do not want nice things for myself or to be able to treat others...

If anything nice happens financially ie earning a bit more overtime or having a financial gain (not gambling) it always seems to go on debts or more gambling in the end (which in turn causes more debt).

Even if I do begin to pay things off, I know my hopes will get dashed again when I start to feel complacent. It is almost a cycle that I am still finding the hardest thing in my lfe ever to control.

I think the addiction is fading then it is ready to come back with a vengeance and take all progress you have made away in an instant.

When I think how careful I used to be with money saving up every penny I could, and now look at me....

I think it also is very bad for self esteem gambling... having to struggle even more.

All gambling has ever done was provide a false sense that you could gain something for nothing, 'easy money' when in fact you always pay much more back than you ever win as a compulsive gambler..

In fact, gambling makes and has made my life so much harder that it would have been without ever starting... (although I have learnt from it), DEFINITELY GAMBLING IS NOT EASY MONEY.

My problem, I am still a binge gambler. Can go a couple weeks, even a couple months then , one weak chink in the armour of self exclusion, not keeping my emotions (lows/highs) in check etc and I am back to square 1 with my self-esteem and confidence back at rock bottom.

It is strange I almost don't know what to do with myself when things 'get better'. I feel elated but then I fear recovery, as I almost know I will feel tempted to gamble again, and even if I do get a good win they always get it back and more as happened recently. Then you are back to having your confidence knocked again.

I know these are difficults times for everyone with the recession. Their are opportunities if you take them but you have to handle them well.

I have recently lost some of my 'potential progress' via recent relapse gettting into more debt. I will recover my self esteem/confidence/finances by NOT GAMBLING. I need to drum into myself though i hope it helps other here:

I WILL RECOVER MY LOSSES AND GAIN SELF ESTEEM/CONFIDENCE/FINANCIAL RECOVERY IN MYSELF AGAIN FROM NOT GAMBLING.

GAMBLING IS NOT EASY MONEY. A WIN IS ONLY EVER A WIN FOR THE GAMBLING PROVIDER AS THEY GET IT ALL BACK 'PLUS INTEREST' VIA ADDICTION.

THE ONLY WAY WE CAN FIGHT GAMBLING IS BY NOT GIVING IT WHAT IT CRAVES MOST :OUR HARD EARNT MONEY. THE MONEY WE NEED FOR OUR BILLS, NEED TO PAY OFF DEBTS FROM OUR ADDICTION.

WHAT GAMBLING HATES MOST IS BEING IGNORED AND NOT GETTING OUR CASH, IT'S STRENGTH THEN DIES.

WHAT GAMBLING LOVES MOST IS BEING FED OUR CASH, CAUSING MISERY TO EVERYONE IN THE GAMBLER'S LIFE, CAUSING ADDICTION, BEING RELIED UPON TO TRY AND SCRAPE BY AND THEN TEMPTING YOU WITH THE ODD WIN AND GETTING THE WHOLE LOT BACK AND SO THE CYCLE GOES.

A thought for the day:

WHAT IS THE POINT OF GAMBLING? A COMPULISIVE GAMBLER CAN NEVER WIN AS THEY KEEP GAMBLING. I AM A COMPULSIVE (BINGE) GAMBLER.

I am going to try and post everyday until I can get gambling out of my life once more and try and remind myself why I CAN NEVER GAMBLE and Gambling willnever progress my life.

Hope people will be here to support me if I make the effort!

Regards Awayout

Good post.. I won't be gambling today. S.A

Not going into details. But Sunday 6 March 2011 id my day #1 again

I need to write on here more..

Awayout

Feeling better I have my plenvaf9 online blocking program back in place.

I wont go into details (in case anyone trys to remove their software) but I accidentally removed my gamblock program when clearing up the virus on my computer.

My computer then began running like a treat. But then I was able to gamble online BIG MISTAKE.

I did seem to win some but then as usual gave that all back and more. What has made this month worse is that I had NO NEED to gamble I had some overtime plus a windfall from something else. In fact I had double what I would have normally had for this month's budget.

Unfortunately when things get better, I start making these plans will pay this and that off and then still have money spare etc. Well I did pay of some of my credit card. Then stupidly thought I could trust myself to gamble. Well the 'winnings' I going to bank have all gone.

I have also not paid off what I was going to without the need for gambling. All gambling has done is taken my hard earned cash as per usual.

What should have been a bumper month from hard work has been ruined by gambling and now I am just about struggling by and not even half way through month.

I am certain though, that had I not installed this program I would have made things EVEN WORSE

Let this be lesson to me and anyone else considering coping without blocks in place online

Regards Awayout

Just to report I have had a good day not gambling.

1st Saturday in a few weeks that I have been gamble free.

Did a bit of shopping instead, even though things a bit tight. Anyway feel proud of myself for keeping off heavier gambling like arcade/bookies and blocker is keeping me off online gambling...

Should get through the month OK as regards bills. Unfortunately the bit of 'spare cash' I had managed to save I have wasted this month.

Gambling is such a waste of space yet still I go back too often.. Guess thats the addiction kicking in..

If only I knew what I knew now about myself. I did not even realise I was a CG until a bit too late and getting into far too much debt..

In my twenties I was very ignorant of the fact that life is too short to waste on gambling. I actually thought gambling was 'fun' and could be exciting and a past time.

Now I am in my late 30s (37) and only now have I began to realise how much time and money has been wasted due to this addiction.. good years of my life wasted in trying to recover from this addiction.

I still have ambition, but for many years gambling stifled everything: every hope, and dream. Still I am recovering but there is a sligh glimmer. However, I am beginning to feel time is running away.. I need to work extra hard to gain a recovery in my life, to self esteem/work/progess/recovering relationships and finances...

Awayout

Hi.. just wanted to say well done for getting through Saturday without a bet. As always you describe the pointlessness of gambling so well. If only putting recovery into practice was as easy as describing it. I hope Sunday and the days ahead remain gambling free for you and that they remain gambling free for me to. All the best.. S.A

Hi SA and diary (plus anyone else reading)

Yes if giving up was easier I would be a saner and richer man at the moment.

I have put blocks in full force again. Unfortunately I have spent overboard. Quite a usual reaction when I get depressed about things (relapse). So now I have to be very careful with money for the next few weeks an months ahead.

I don't know if it is a condition but looking at myself not only from a gambling point of view but addressing my life 'in general', It seems I do not want nice things for myself.

For example as I mentioned before, I had a fair few hundred spare from a recent windfall and instead of putting to the plans of paying of a fracion of my debt I gambled a lot away. As I mentioned I also overspent on things I simply do not need.

I must address this thing about 'self esteem', and not wanting to treat myself to nice things and wasting my cash. Now both my credit cards are nearly maxed OK not 1000s but still far too much on a low wage. Now not even enough to pay for a pair of shoes that I could do with etc

I must look at why I am doing this to myself on a regular basis if I am ever to have my own property/car etc. I have come to realise it is not just about my addiction to gambling it is about my self-esteem, self-worth and making the best of things, despite what a mess I have made in my life due to the gambling.

Anyway Lent is as good as time as any to cut out the gambling. Not that I am overly religious. I have stayed off roulette last week tomorrow will be 7 days. But of course much easier with no cash.

I was on a high with a bit of cash in my pocket. I almost dread having 'spare cash' in my pocket. It always seems to go back on gambling, and sometimes after staying off I end up worse off than 'Square 1' and take a knock. Anyhow trying not to feel/sound too depressed it is a nice day.

Awayout