Need to start all over!

No no no not "if i do fail" you must stay positive and not even let it enter your head you may fail.

You can do this yes youve had a slip e all have but you must go forward with a positive mind.

Set your self small reachable targets like to the weekend that way when you get there it feels great.

Small steps hun dont look to far ahead as it seems an age away.

Stay Strong.x

You are right Elizabeth40 baby steps is the way and they become adult large steps after a long time.

Must stay strong.

Checked the bank balance and not looking so healthy because of my last slip on Saturday.

Need to change my life and sort myself out.

Awayout

Hey hun,

just checking in to make sure your ok.

Yep baby steps until you feel strong enough to take adult steps.

Im not gambling and my bank balance still dosent look healthy lol.

You can do it only a couple of days till the weekend and time for relaxing with family and friends.

Stay Strong.x

Thanks for bothering! Still getting over my stinking cold. Planning ahead as I know I get paid earlier this month because of Christmas so a longer stretch until next payday.

Feel proud of myself especially Wednesday as I did not buy one lottery ticket or scratchcard - unusual for me.

I have tried to plan a budget and I probably have only about £40 after bills to get to end of January payday 2012

Feeling a bit down today. May be relationships etc (not in one) but do have a few close family and friends.

Awayout

Let myself down big time think I lost close to 1k. Very serious as this was from credit card, and bank account card where I had money for my monthly consolidation loan payment. I was just starting to get my overdrafts etc down so big blow.

This was my own fault. I had gone to another town. I still had one bookmaker I have not yet self excluded from...

I was fooling myself I could leave this door open. I will be honest I kept this secret but I had 'won' about about £1.5k in October and had used some to get a bit of the debt down (of course never winnings with gambling). But have since lost the lot including today's episode.

Maybe this is the final wake up call I need. I can not leave any doors open. I cannot gamble. Maybe the only good thing that has come out of this is the realisation I cannot take these risks . Its been about six years of hell losing everything I have worked for and working now and about 6 more years paying back the debt caused by my gambling and gambling debt...

I went to the counter at this bookies and said the magic words that should have come years ago ' I want to self exclude'. Of course I did not have the necessary passport sized photos. The young lady cashier was very understanding and made sure I did not place any more bets even though I had no money left anyway, and had not yet officially self excluded.

I don't blame them I blame me for putting myself in that situation. I am truly sorry for firstly letting the supportive and understanding people on this site down, and above all myself, as I am the one with everything to lose if I continue to gamble.

I am going to have to do some financial shuffling tomorrow using some of the money I had started to get one big overdraft down on the more urgent debt on my bank account which I think is now a couple hundred overdrawn. The credit card which is £850 in the red will have to be paid off slowly.

I know this is not a lot of money to some people but I am currently on a 'minimum wage' and not even a full time one at that and it is not for want or trying I have had better jobs. Maybe my self-esteem and self-worth will return and I will be able to work towards a better job, with the aim being the money not going on gambling.

My constant excuse has been because I am on a low wage living with mum that I always use gambling as a possibility of getting more money and get a bit of the debt down. Well it has not worked else I would not be where I am... (same situation).

My consolidation loan of 10 years from a major relapse at gambling in 2007 (missed one loan repayment) and the bank suggesting I consolidate about £8000 in loans and overdraft (total £20k with interest debt) is now 4 years in. So another 6 years to go to get that major weight of debt off my shoulders.

Overall my debt has gone down from last year but it is painstakingly slow. I try not to dwell on it like I used to, but it is always there. It is more bearable when I am not gambling.

Someone suggested making a record of financial progress is helpful:

1) I owe £11988.00 on the ten year consolidation loan which at least has gone down slowly (6 years left. 4 years paid off already!)

2) I owe £850 on one credit card.

3) I owe £595 on a smaller overdraft

4) £3000 on a large ovedraft.

Total £16433 approximately. The situation had been better before my stupidity today. Closer to my goal of paying off all my debt.

What makes these debts harder to pay off is the monthly interest payments and account fees on one bank account in particular.

This is very embarrassing for me to admit the extent of my debt. I am on a low wage and am a little envious of the people with well paid jobs that can more quickly recoup their debts.

Sorry to waffle on but I really think I needed to 'own up' about what has been happening and the seriousness of my situation. I am aware from this site of how bad things will get if I continue gambling.

I know without gambling my debt will be paid off quicker. I must remember with my problem gambling will never be a 'fix' to my situation or a way of 'making money' as gambling just feeds more gambling and addiction losses and heartache.

I wish all people here a prosperous and Gamble free & Happy New Year.

I was tempted to start a New Diary but I think the old let downs being on here will remind me more to stay off gambling once and for all.

For me I really think is has to be a case of all or nothing! as regards gambling.

Awayout

With all due respect Awayout you need to wake up or you will continue on this destructive path. Carry photos around with you to self exclude and start posting 100% honesty!!

Thanks Smiler. I had started to get lapse in posting. I ended up feeling a 'nervous wreck' almost shaking etc.

I have admitted to these relapses before at this booky but not the odd win that keeps tempting me back to more destruction. I guess I was embarrassed to admit I was still enjoying these odd 'wins' . I must remember they are never wins as yesterday showed.

I had the chance to walk away but I did not or could not. By the end I was staring at my wallet in disbelief completely empty and that was the way I felt: EMPTY/AN IDIOT/IN DESPAIR/DRAINED/TIRED/MISERABLE. When I got home I felt like crying, restless, panicky and listless. Hardly able to think about putting my finances right so I did not have more charges etc to pay.

I trust the lesson has finally been learnt but I know I have lied to myself and others so often before and for too long. 3 years have lapsed before I am taking my recovery more seriously.

Maybe I knew hand over heart the money I had got back a month or so back was destined to be frittered away. It was a matter of when not how.. Just feeding the addiction as usual. Before yesterday's big relapse I had already been previously relapsing on the odd occasion.

I am going to try and close the final couple doors in my local area, but I know this gambling problem is there in the background lingering. If I give gambling no power I can finally get on with my life.

Awayout

Way to go!

Get excluded today, no excuses, ready for New Year new start!

Take care!

Hi Awayout... good to see you post. I always seek out your diary. We have much in common. Sorry to hear of your recent gambling. I am also back after a horrible pre-christmas gambling binge after nearly 6 months off it.

I remember i always use to suggest to you that you take decsive action with your debts.. like bankruptcy etc. However I have since changed my tune. I went bankrupt over the sorts of amounts you describe some years ago... has it made my Cg behaviour go away... nope!

Keep working at my friend as i try to do the same. Happy new year.. S.A

The normal realisation has sent in today, following the big relapse. Have a really heavy head and heart and it is from the Christmas/New Years Eve celebrations and late nighrs as well as the gambling.

I don't know what it is but there is something worse about a relapse over the Christmas period. It happened once in 2008 Christmas Eve. This one was Friday 30th December but felt just as bad. Only difference was I was not gambling online, this time i was in town at the God forsaken bookies.

I am not trying to reason what I did. It just happened and I walked into the 'trap' when there was no need to, except thinking I might acually come out better off. I didn't. There is no point to gambling for me as for all people fighting this.

Trying not to waste too much of this rare day off. I often had relapsed with a few days off and I should have been aware I was setting myself up for failure and I was putting myself in a vulnerable situation and avoided it. It is tough talking about it, my head is still spinning but I need to to tackle this properly.

It is hard feeling poorer, and more down as I have not helped myself financially or emotionally but at least I am not in gambling mode. One day at a time. The cycle of gambling addiction is a tough nut *** and probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life!

But in a way I guess if I am making myself think it is hard it is giving the pull of gambling more power. I need to take that 'power' away the power that pulls me back for another gamble.

It was interesting I was talking to a friend who was a non-gambler and I was talking about the sheer number of betting shops etc in highstreets and poor areas. It was strange he said he had not really noticed. Whereas me an addicted gambler in recovery, had noticed each new shiny shop opening up and feeling the pull. Only being self excluded can I protect myself.

There is literally a bookies in every major street 50m apart in one place!

That is the difference 'normal' people are not tempted or notice them so much. A gambler, or recovering gambler does...

I feel a bit sick at the moment but I am determined to put more effort in this year to sort myself out.

My friend who knows about my problem said he thought I would not be able to give up as I was 'addicted' even though I said I wanted to. (had mentioned my latest relapse). He could not believe I could not walk out with that type of money in my wallet.

If anything this makes me more determined to give up completely. My attitude has changed definitely. It is whether I am strong enough to keep working at it.

Happy New Year 2012 to all and a gamble free New Year.

Awayout.

So sorry to hear of your recent woes but a huge well done on coming back on here.

You may not feel it right now, but time IS a great healer. Give it a few more days and you will soon start to feel better and more ready to tackle this head on.

Perhaps it was your mind's way of saying "let's try this once more before 2012?"

That obviously did not work and you really need to get this imprinted on your mind. This gambling lark DOES NOT WORK!

Make 2012 your year and let's all try and reach New Year's Eve having said that we will have gone through a whole calendar year without succumbing to the evil, dark world which we call gambling.

Opportunities will not go away and it really is up to you to keep making those right choices.

And don't forget to keep getting those blocks in!

GT

Feeling good about myself.

Had signed up to Gettingthere's group no gambling list. Have not gambled on anything since 30th December. No Bets since from 31st December 2011.

I know this is a short amount of time, but I mean everything not even 1 sultry lottery ticket. Today was Wednesday I was so tempted to pop in the newsagents and buy just one. Only£1. Then I thought this would mean I had gambled already and my recovery would be scuppered. Solution I thought I would just pop in and buy a packet of crisps which I did.

It was funny as I buy so many lottery tickets from this corner shop. The newsagent said : 'You're not buying any lottery tickets tonight?' he looked really suprised. I replied ' no I am spending too much on them'. Then he replied 'if you play you might win, if you dont you will not' somthing to that effect.

I quickly thanked him for the crisps smiled and walked out. A small but important victory though. I had about £1.50 on me but did not buy the ticket when I could so easily have. I need to mentally set myself up to what I am going to say when confronted by these situations which may seems so simple to everyone else who can just say 'no' or has no problem buying there weekly lottery.

I know now buying one ticket would simply mean my abstinence from gambling would have failed leading to more destructive forms of gambling for sure. It is surely like the alcoholic with just one drink on the road to ruin.

Awayout

i m 12 days gamble free, not many urges till now, probably cause i lost too much last time i gambled.i ll tell you this: whats the meaning of playing lottery?there is no chance of winning and you ll waste 1.50p instead of keeping it in your pocket.

i know its hard to stay free but the more days we stay the easiest it can be. today is my first day of quitting smoking . smoking and gambling go together, so i stopped both of them. 🙂

DNY I am feeling slight urges even though my last bet was 30 December 2011. It has been longer than I can remember since I got 2 saturdays 'under my belt'. So getting through today will be a real acheivement to myself.

I have to try and think of other ways to make more money as I am on a low paid job. Perhaps another part time job etc.

I am trying to keep busy today, not trying to think about the past losses. There is no need to chase them any more.

I know that I must earn my money the normal 'hard work' way although it would be nicer to be doing a job that I love. There must be loads of people that are not in ideal work though, stuck in seemingly dead-end jobs.

I have noticed though 'positivity' is a real weapon against gambling. Trying to take back control and the power of gambling seems to me to be the most crucial thing. So does occupying my time with other things that are not self-destructive.

Since stopping ALL gambling for these 8 days (once I get through Saturday 7th January) I have noticed changes in myself. I have been able to catch up on paperwork at home etc. My mind honestly seems much more lucid. I am actually quite an intelligent bloke but most of my mind has perviously been filled with dreams of that big win, gambling thoughts and quick kicks when gambling..

Anyway here's to a 2nd Saturday gamble free absolutely amazing for me. I don't really want too much praise as I am afraid of failure but maybe that is true of the rest of my life also..

Maybe not having the money to fritter has been a factor in stopping myself gambling but there are funds there on overdraft limit/credit card.

I am now waking up to the fact I am actually penniless. I have no one penny to my name. Which is why I must not gamble.

ALL I HAVE IS DEBT. I have a minimum wage which I am struggling to slowly pay back my 1 consolidation loan, 2 credit cards and 2 large overdrafts. THAT IS THE REALITY and I must wake up to it.

I need to keep reminding myself of Fridays £900 relapse. This is a lot of money to most people let alone low paid employees!

Most other times I have 'forgotten' or let the thought of a relapse 'wear off' when finances have recovered slightly.

I need to keep reminding myself where I'm at and why I cannot gamble.

Awayout

awayout,

you are penniless,in a part time job and on the minimum wage ?

Can i ask how/Where on earth you managed to find £900 for a pre new year gambling binge ?

The comp gambler in us will always be able to pull rabbits out hats but £900 especially with your expenditure ?

You have experience in and around these pages long enough to know the key facts and blockages to prevent slips.

Nothing changes if nothing changes, and as you have pointed out many times on your diary only YOU can find the answers leading to better career prospects.

Well done on your pledge to this year so far.

Things can only turn round being bet free.