Once again I find myself on here. Not hating myself as realise I have an addiction and the only way is to keep trying to be stronger and
may be one day not having the urge to self destruct!
I get money and not even sure why, but my brain seems to be determined to rid my bank account of any funds spare. Obviously have the usual guilt trip after but that goes and the urges return. So will follow the regime that did seem to work before but realise need
support to keep me going so will use these diaries as my sounding board for my day to day ups and downs as it is the things that happen in my life that can act as triggers.
Yesterday had lovely weekend away but decided needed a bit of me time. Big mistake. Left my partner in the pub and I came back and went on my mobile phone to a bingo site. Ended up spending £1300 within two hours. Always always thinking when I win some back I would cash out. Thankfully I havent got credit cards anymore and I did manage to pay of my previous debts racked up from gambling. Couldnt let my partner know I was totally cheesed off but he could tell I was agittated. Bit of a downer to what was a lovely break. Realise if I put myself in situtations where I am by myself I dont think about consequences.
I have a pretty good life now. Happy in a new relationship and we both have our own places. Not sure what the gambling is
replacing that is missing in my life as not depressed. So why do I do it? hate the hiding my addiction, lying about how much of my savings are left. And hate still wanting to gamble even know as a sensible lady that it is wasting my time my bank balance, and turning me into a liar.
Am feeling tired now, so that is good, need a good nights sleep to focus on tomo. Know first day always hard but yes am determined to find ways of getting my adrenalin fix. Will start back to Art Classes. See more of the family and not put myself in a vunerable situation by having spare cash. Am going to apply for a basic card just for cash withdrawals and cut up my card. Has to be done and only way I can do it.
Good luck everyone on here, know its hard and really admire you all. Janice
Coming on here is a good step...its hard admitting our addictions but its the only way forward. I was reading that gambling increases some chemical in our brains called 'dopamine' to crazy levels..and thats what gaves us a huge buzzzz!! Wonder if theres something else that can replace that same buzz. I think the closest is probably s*x. Lol.
Anyway..the bankcard thing is a great start...possibly GA meetings would be a great help. And we can only take a day at a time. Goodluck and we can beat this f**k*d up way of life
thank you for your reply, much appreciated. yes one day at a time. and do want a gf life
Absolutely never give up trying - but not the same things that don't work or aren't enough.
There's a lot of advice on the forum about breaking the time money location triangle - take one away and you can't gamble. Measures such as blocking software, parental blockers from your ISP, changing your financial arrangements so as to have access to minimal cash...put as many of these in place as possible without leaving loopholes.
The triangle isn't enough by itself. Going it alone doesn't work, the changes come from counselling and GA. The biggie which is never popular is to tell those around you, so as to blow open the secrecy that gambling thrives on.
It's the big changes that make the changes sustainable.
CW
You will get great support on here breakdowntime! Well said CW ..having read alot of threads and peoples stories..iv decided i like u..and your honesty. So any advice you gave is well worth adhering to for ALL who need it!
Keep up the good work!
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