New beginnings!

Mornin Lucy, thanks for the post. You are right of course, all this fine weather has taken the wind out of my sails, stifled my motivation somewhat, yet I don't mind, no rush for anything anymore.

I read your last post and I could relate to it a great deal for I too have gone through many a time thinking like that. All I can say is don't be so hard on yourself in those quiet moments, don't cut yourself off from others and isolate yourself when you're feeling down. Be kind to yourself, enjoy being you, be content. You must be someone pretty special to have got this far in life despite all the emotional upheaval you had to face in the past. I think that shows character and strength. What I would suggest though is that you work upon developing interests in other areas just to keep busy and take your mind off that awful feeling of self analysis which we all do. I was exactly the same when I taught full time, the pressure of work didn't give you time to stop and think yet when I reached the holidays I would get very low and the solitude seemed magnified. I think that's why I carried on working through my holidays or got drunk and gambled heavily. It was like one minute I was filled with adrenalin and purpose the next just a void which I found hard to fill.

Anyway you're back in school now so 'normality' has returned. It's a tough, tough, rewarding job and I wish you well. I bet, sorry, I'm certain the children love you for the person you are. Take care Lucy, enjoy being you because you're a one off, keep smiling and keep your immune system high because we're heading into the term of 'snotty noses'

Steve

Good Morning World

Is it a good morning?

Hell yes!, the sun is shining, this cg has no desire whatsoever to gamble and life is starting to look a little brighter!

First week back at work and ohhhh how i needed it, been manic with a new system in place and as always it falls on me and ohhhhh Lucy knows so ask her!

New staff so always a tense time wondering if you made the right choice and also difficult as checks not back so they cannot be thrown in just yet!

Having a routine back and being busy is really a key for me, while i have my mind occupied and time constraints upon me then the gambling seems miles away.

So life is starting to look better again, did have a slight urge yesterday when i realised i did not have the money i thought in the bank but i laughed and thought how stupid to think along those lines and it passed just as quick!

My blocks are more solid than before and this does help loads!

So Lucy has still some things to work on, i still anaylse everything to within an inch of its life and was told last night to stop doing this so another challange for me there but it goes hand in hand with my job so might be a bit difficult but i'll try!

Lot's of new emotions going round in my head and they get very confusing sometimes but i will just go with the flow and see where it takes me!

I need to get back to going to the gym on a more regular basis and tbh have not have had the inclination too but from tomorrow i will go straight after work and try to go at least 3 times a week, this will not only get those endorphins flowing but takes up some of my spare time too!

I lost weight early on in my recovery but have put a bit back on over the last few weeks so i'm now getting a healthy plan on board and will make myself cook every night instead of take outs!

Next issue i have to tackle is spending!

Sorted my wardrobes out last week and counted 38 pairs of shoes, now us women like shoes but i had cleaned a vast amount out and given to charity a few months ago so realise this is becoming a tad addictive and i need to stop buying!

I was talking with a friend yesterday and said i was a bit short of money so was not going out last night, they replied by saying that at least i had shoes to wear around the house , i laughed so much and told them yes i was prancing around in a bikini ( not looking as good as before!) with killer heals on lol lol what a sight!

So another thing to tackle in my mad life!

Over the summer the ex has been trying to get back with me, he wanted to start from scratch again and said that we had 9 months until his house was up for renewal, now this has freaked me out big time as i have no intention of getting back with him no matter how hard i might find it financially and how hard i am finding being lonely, i panicked because i thought he would try to move back in when his contract is over and i would have to go through it all again, he has been drinking less but i am not in love with him anymore and can only rememeber how sad i was for years and how my gambling spiralled out of control during the last 6/7 years, i was brave and told him it would never work but i could be friends if he could handle that, i was really proud of myself for sticking up for me, before i might have given in when he was being so nice but i know i can never go back there again and this has made my resolve in that and gambling so much stronger 😉

So now Lucy is doing ok , not great but ok, smiling more than the last few weeks and been the dentist so the smiles gleaming bright when it does appear!

More changes are needed to get the peace i want and i'm now looking forward to the future as i know it can only get better as long as i don't gamble!

Back with a renewed vigour and zest to enjoy each day for what it can be as long as i say safe!

Thanks for all the suppport and i hope i got back to everyone

Keep Strong all, this girl is getting stronger day by day 😉

Lucy xxxxxxx

Hi Lucy

Thanks for your posts on my diary. I have just read through yours. You have done amazingly well. Great to hear how strong you have been since you started this. Makes me feel better reading it knowing that this can be overcome with determination and you can get on with your life.

Keep smiling.

Wayne

Hi Lucy

Great to here from u and know ur ok and gettin back on track the summer for you was always goin to be tough , keeping busy is always good and certainly helps us in our recovery , the all important thing is ur still fighting and not giving in to that gambling demon

More pleased though that u av put some extra pounds on believe me it's a tough life after to breathe in lol , I looked fantastic on holiday when I was lying on the sun lounger it was when I had to get up the trouble started , I hope ur tall so u can hold it well just like me lol

So pleased ur back and strong I hated having to do the nice concerned posts ! Only joking think it's great that all the support u received when u were feeling low , it was no surprise as ur such a valuable member of this site

Will go away now and see what nice things I can think to tease u about it wouldn't be the same otherwise now would it !

Yours truly

Castle2

Yo,

Thank you for your post .

It's grrrreeeeeaaat to have you back!

Like Steve says true not over analyse toooooo much .

Cause it can lead to that awful place where we find it almost impossible to find the good things about ourselves. I am sure you spend your life telling your kids at home and at school to concentrate on the positive not the negative , yet us compulsive gamblers focus on the negative which only breads more .

At the moment I have set myself a task of once a day congratulating myself on something I do or did well.

This seems to be working for me , maybe it is something you could try .

Anyways just my thoughts .

Keep smiling Lucy . Cause it makes the rest of smile along with you .

Shiny xxxxxxxxx

Lucy.

For me to have you back in a place were you feel comfort is well FANTASTIC!!!!!

well done you, just for today my dear friend make the choice thats best for you.

Tomorrow will be brighter for it.

Duncs unconditional. stepping forward never back. NO BET Today.

hi lucy

hope you had a good weekend.

what i have set up for myself is each day i pass the test of staying gamble free i write down and do one change from my normal existence even if it something trivial, just to get used to doing different things.

keep up the great work

gamble frees the way forward

carl

Lucy,

What is it with women and shoes. Thirty eight pairs of shoes is impressive and would give my wife a run for her money. I was thinking if you have 38 pairs of shoes how many handbags do you need to accompany them.

Great to hear that you are back into a scheduled routine and hopefully life will return to normal for you. You have had a difficult time but I am real confident that you will benefit from being back at school.

I think that pysical exercise such as going to the gym works wonders for our recovery. It gives us the chance to blow off some steam. My thing is running and I have never returned from a run not feeling better and happier than I did before I left. I think we all need something else as a distraction.

I send out many happy thoughts for you today. Take care and enjoy your weekend.

Tomso.

Hi Lucy,

So glad that things are starting to settle down for you again, now you have got some routine back in your life. I know how hard the summer holidays were for you and in all honesty, they were probably always going to be. But you have come through it and I am so proud of your strength of character that despite all that you have been through over the last couple of months, you continue to fight on!

Just keep ‘believing’ Lucy.. because all that you want and more importantly all that you deserve, is out there just waiting for you to grab it by the short and curlies!!

Keep going mate, you’re doing just great 🙂

Lmm xxxx

Good Morning World

A very busy week at work so lot's to keep the mind occupied!

Very conflicting thoughts and feelings this week on all sorts of things going on in my life.

Even with conflicting thoughts a calm week, i feel i am able to reflect clearer than in the past and this is something new!

In terms of gambling , emmmmm now that's still seems confusing, one thing that has been clear to me is that even with huge regrets gambling has made me into the person i am today.

Was out on friday and very merry, was talking to a few people who have known me for years, the ex was in the pub and got a bit funny for a while but it was nice that people were making sure i was ok, i told a few about being a cg and it felt ok to admit it, i was not ashamed as maybe i would have been in the past, one said he saw difficulties years and years ago when i used to play cards with them and just never seemed to stop even though i was cr** and always lost!

It felt quite cartharic tbh , the few i told did not think any less of me and actually they saw me in a different light but not a bad one just one that showed it takes all walks from life and that people make mistakes even if they hide them well!

I felt i gained respect if that makes any sense, they didn't just see Lucy they saw a person with alot more than what they see on the surface.

Seeing the ex back to his normal self just confirmed that i cannot go back , he will never change enough to make me happy no matter how much he says he cares.

So although i miss having someone to put their arms around me to make me feel safe i know i don't have to take second best anymore because i deserve more, if i never find it well so be it but for now i'll continue to strive to be the best i can be with what i have left.

Hard accepting all that i have lost and not just financially, yes i do think if only i had'nt but it's getting easier to know it's done, i cannot change it but i can embraced my bet free life for what it is now!

I know i will need to continue to think of the bad things that happen when you gamble, i need to rememeber the bad place i was in at rock bottom and not ever become complacent.

I'm not rock bottom, yes i am finding all the changes difficult but i also know i can do this/ am doing this and with faith it will just get better and better the longer i stay bet free.

So today i'm cooking my son a huge roast , i have done some work which should make the week less stressful, i have started to become Lucy again, slightly different from before, someone that with commitment will eventually find that happy place that i so long to be at, only i can make it happen, noone can do it for me and it's great to have friends around to help when it becomes a little harder but ultimatly it's down to me now!

Might even go somewhere different over the new year to start next year with a new focus but don't know where yet lol one day at a time!

Take care all and keep strong

Lucy xxxxxxx

hi lucy good to read your diary as always, i seem to pick up and relate to alot that your saying, isnt it a good feeling to admit to people about the problem it is like somehow a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders

carl

Lucy,

Sounds to me like that penny that rattles about all cgs heads when they face there addiction, compulsion has dinked right down on top of your head. Well done you, your subscriptions to the gamble free bus more than paid for my friend, enjoy the ride, me I look forward to reading.

Well done again lucy, your endevour inspires.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Lucy

Good to see ur back to ur usual self like u been busy helps to keep the mind focused no time to think bout anything , keep lookin at the big picture where u were all those months ago and where u r now and there's a huge difference , yes there may av been ups and downs on the way and undoubtedly more to come but ur strong and understand where gambling will take u ,u know signs what makes u tick , it can be difficult though to remember when the times get tough but that's what we're here for to remind u of just how far u av come

That took some courage to open up and tell others bout been a cg something I really struggle with so a real well done for that

A real nice post for u this time Lucy nothin but full of praise for u , I was goin to offer that big hug ur lookin for but wasn't sure my arms would get quite round after the extra few pounds lol lol , a bit naughty that one I will go and take a good look in the mirror after breathing in 1st though lol

For now take care

Castle2

Good morning Lucy, I'm glad seeing You still fightning and shinely smiling towards the world and bright future. Keep it going. All the best.

Howdy Lucy,

Thanks for your words of encouragement on my diary. I will always have your back my friend. Keep going strong!! joanxxxx