New diary

It is very true what you say about depression being linked to fear.

I cant imagine what it must have been like carrying all of that guilt about your mum and dad. My mums partner told me about the time where interest rates went crazy and he too had to deal with doubled mortgage payments. It nearly gave him a breakdown! It was thatcher that, wasnt it? Evil monster!

I find you inspirational Graham, because you have had so much pain in your life and you are still here to tell the tale.

Take care,

f x

Not really sure if the pain I have had is much greater than most peoples. as you get older there are lots more time to get pain. People pass on, something that is hard to accept but is part of life, inevitable but that is how it is.

We live in a strange world where it is all about image. leaving gambling out of the question, how many are in debt? Loads of folk trying to live up to a dream. The drivel that we are fed by the media. The lies that we are fed. the transient " happiness " by owning a pair of shoes or a hand bag costing £200. What the heck is all that about? One of my family, and really she is only a working class kid like me, gets phased by how new their car is, Silly really but i still love her. Years ago I recall a guy I knew, late 40`s , big Merc, in the building game, seemed to be doing well, bang heart attack, game over,

Maybe we will have to turn it all around and live life lower and get the pleasure out of real things.

I remember my Dad, great gardener, getting real pleasure from growing stuff. Healthy past time and a much purer way of living. it`s a bygone age, now sadly about what you appear to own, how much money you have.

One of my happiest moments that i look back on was taking my folks abroad for the first time. Dad and I visited the fields of Flanders and saw the war graves. Very emotional.

Life is fleeting.

Sounds like you have given yourself a really hard time over the years Graham.

You should be proud of how thoughtful and caring you were toward your parents. I dont know many men who would speak to their mother once a week on the phone, let alone every night.

Your post hit a nerve with me, but not in a bad way. My mum has a habit of being very needy and clingy, and I find it hard to cope with. In the past, she has had very high expectations - basically expecting us to read her mind - and if we have failed to do what she wanted she has gotten very nasty and angry. As a result, I am very wary of her. Its really sad because she would love to have a close relationship with me and my brothers. Things are gradually getting better, but Im still waiting for the day when she lets rip again and tells me why I am a horrible, thoughtless person.

Some scars never heal do they? Im dreading her becoming old and infirm because she will rely on me, whilst my brothers being oblivious to the chains of guilt will lollop off scot free!

Anyway, mustn't forcast the future. Terrible habit to get into!

Night pal,

f x

Well time for bed.

Im new to the hole recovery and its pleasing to see that after so many years though that you are still on a great recovery track! Keep it up, and a great diary.

Jon

Hi Graham

Nothing heavy today, just wanted to pop in and say a realy big thankyou for your posts, kind words and support yesterday and throughout my recovery... Realy appreciate your posts and honesty...

Thanks again mate and i hope you have a good weekend........take care ands

oh and i hope i did not depress you yesterday....so very sorry if i did! ands

Hi Graham

Just wanted to say thankyou, nice chatting with you mate..

take care ands

ps, could not copy your email address dont know why, did you catch mine?

Hi Graham, got your email thanks, emailed you back. take care ands

Nice to meet you in chat Graham.

Have just read through your diary, interesting what you say about rude people irritating you.

One that winds me up is people just stopping in the street in front of me, but after reading your diary i thought about how many times i have stood at a poorly placed fruit machine, in other peoples ways, and if i came across as rude to them.

Anyway, take care!

Ash

Hi Graham

Just wanted to pop in and say thank you for all your postings/emails this week. Believe me, i appreciate it, thanks again mate and have good weekend....take care ands

Hi Graham,

Sorry to hear that you are feeling a bit poo due to business being slow. Time on your hands is never good when you are prone to the blues.

Is nice hearing more about your father, I can imagine how moving it must have been taking that trip to flanders fields. I should imagine that made your Dad so happy, and proud of you.

How is your IT course going? you havent mentioned it in a while...

Hope you manage to plod on without too much of a heavy heart over the next few days. Hope to catch up with you soon.

Take care,

f x

Morning Graham,

It was really good to hear you chatting so openly about real emotion last night. For somebody who is always there to listen and support, you have your share of hard emotions to deal with. I honestly truly respect the hard work you have put in to make a better life for yourself without gambling.

I'm sure your parents would be very proud of you and how you live your life.

Take care,

DT.

Just popping in to say thanks for your support in my diary and listening the other day means alot

hope your doing ok today

love

Jane x

Hi Graham

Hope your ok and sun is shining down there in the SW.

Just wanted to thankyou for your kind words and your continued support on my diary!

take care mate, ands