New diary

Thanks but I wouldn't do anything.

What's gonna happen is that I'll wake up one morning , old , lonely , weak and think f***k I'm going to die

And I have this poxy meeting at work next week and I'll say one thing , if they do sack me I'll try to kill myself. That will be the final straw

Your life is worth more than a job or gambling, I know how you feel but you will get through this. You need to see a doctor whether you know it or not as you cannot battle these emotions alone. Don't suffer alone everybody wants the best for you and want you to get proper help

Been through the doctor route before Garfield but thanks for the advice

I should know better at this stage . So pathetic

Stephen you're not pathetic you are just very down and ashamed. As has been said you can fight this and the best way is to get it out. Speak to Gamcare, speak to anyone you can trust, you might even find someone at work who is sympathetic and can perhaps help you at work. It might even be worth telling them at work what has been going on and that you need help. Most of us have felt the self loathing you do. You can't change what's happened but you can change the future. It's not that quick and there are dark days but you know that gambling is a form of self harm that only makes things worse. We are routing for you but your life is worth so much more and you can do it if you keep in your mind the fact that gambling will not in any way make you feel better. Talk to as many people as you can. We are all behind you.

Day 2. Few days off this week from work.

Could scream. No money , wasted so much money and now I can't even buy a sandwich .

Plan today is to go to the gym and a go to a meeting afterwards . That's the plan anyways .

For anyone with urges please don't give in to them. I'm a zombie . I'm already dead

Hi
Stephen

What is it that scares you so much about a life without your addiction. Your obviously not stupid so why do you continue to keep returning to a behaviour that is clearly destructive to you. The complex answers to your fears, frustrations & resentments can all be found within the 12 step program or through professional help via a good psychodynamics therapist. At your meetings have you begun working the program? Do you have a sponser to guide & listen to you? GA has so much to offer that sadly most members dont avail themselves of.

I had 90 days gamble free before Xmas . To be honest I thought life would get better but I found normal life boring.

I had started seeing a girl , her mam made a comment about my eyes (dodgy eyes) and the following day I gambled.

No I don't have a sponsor . Counselling is expensive so I tried contacting a free counselling service twice but they didn't return my call (spoke to a lady who took my details )

90 days is a very short time to expect to turn a lifetime of pain around isnt it?

Yes counselling is expensive but i found the ВЈ60/£70 an hour a d**n site cheaper than gambling

Compulsive gamblers are often very sensitive souls who will take offence to a dog looking at them in the wrong way. Thats because we believe the world revolves around us. That people are talking & casting judgement on us all the time ( there not they couldnt give a stuff). Try adapting your life to the world around you instead of trying to mould the world to your immediate wants & desires.
Reach out for help at your meeting & if no one is available go to another one. Life can get better but if you continue to sit on your hands expecting something or someone else to fix it your going to be sorely disappointed.
When you get knocked back or have a door slammed in your face, try another door. This is about you, so invest some hard work & pain into it because your the only one capable of fixing you.

That messaged did something for me. You're right and I felt like you were sitting beside me when I read that message.

I have two weeks to payday but I can't think that far . Currently in the gym . After this I'm going to a meeting .

You're right I do feel the world revolves around me. I have felt many times that if I sat around feeling sad someone would help me . It's my life I have to help myself .

That's a message I'll save

Yes it is.
Your life your responsibility.

You may also want to think about apologizing individually to the people you upset a few months back. Im sure you are embarressed about the words you said. But if you swallow your pride im sure those good people will be willing to accept it & continue to support you & even if they dont you will have done the right thing & that will be another step in the right direction.

The more work you put into change the easier it becomes, sometimes its 2 steps forward & 1 step back but thats life in general isnt it

Back from my day.

Went to the gym and then a GA meeting . Tough . Glad I did something that I said I was going to do .

Day 3 . Quite day.

Had a read of a book about addiction I've had in the drawer for a while . The main thing I got from it is that I'm doing the best I can in my current psychological state .

Tomorrow will be another meeting . So with the days I have of work I'm doing the right things

I agree with day@atime. Life doesn't suddenly become magical just because you stop gambling. It takes hard effort to keep moving forward.

Day 15. Have been busy with work and going to GA meetings .

My work issue has been resolved. What I will say is that a damaged reputation takes time to repair and I wasn't aware such damage I made on my through gambling .

But looking forward. Payday tomorrow . No access to bank card . And a GA meeting tomorrow too .

Feeling a lot calmer than I did 2 weeks ago