New diary, been away 6 years ...

Hi Ryan,

Well done for returning here and admitting as well try sort yourself out. Like you, i havent gamble for well over a year now and untill recently got stressed and turned to gambling. Two months and i have maxed out my cards. You are brave owning up and let your family know. Hopefully one day they will understand you and will speak to you again. Just takes time. Meanwhile keep your chin up and lets encourage each other and keep busy. Its my 4th day now...and been an emotional roller coaster as trying to sort my finance out and admitting how much i got left and debt / bills to pay. Without me saying it - you probably know what to do and try stick to it. I have cut my cards and closed all my accounts.

Lucy x

Hi Ryan....I really feel for you I can't believe your partner left you is this the 2nd time that you've put her through this? I have been gambling for 8 years or more have amassed even more debt than you but luckily have a decent job I can just about get by every month. Everyone keeps telling me to tell my husband but I'm too scared and quite frankly don't think he should have to suffer for my mistakes. Well done on booking the counciling sessions I'm sure they will help you get through this initial stage and you have proved that you can do it before. Do you know what made you go back to gambling. Do all the things you did when you managed to stop last time 🙂 your family will calm down after the shock I'm sure xxx

Thanks for the comments. Honestly I don't know why I put myself through it. I started gambling when I was 16 years old, realised I had a problem at 18 and that was the first time I told anyone and got help. Got help and then started up again and at the age of 23, which I told family I was gambling again. Got help and didnt gamble for some time, then started again and at the age of 27 told family again. So this was 3 times hurting the family, making promises and got help.

I then made family amends, have a great job that pays well and found a relationship. For about 1.5 to 2 years I didn't gamble (first 2 years of the new relationship) then the last two years I was secretly gambling. I had holidays approaching, goods I wanted and also wanted to get a jump start on paying off old debt to have a better life and before I know it I start gambling and want back what I lost. I should have asked for help at that moment after losing a small amount of money but I covered it up and kept on going.

I was in the relationship for 4 years which having told everyone on Sunday, she couldn't stand by me as she felt the relationship was a lie for 2 years of where my money was going and she didn't know who I was. Obviously I was upset but there is nothing I can do, it's my mess while I spend the next 12 months sorting debt out. With my debt though coming out, it's only added to the pressure as need to leave home, end house contracts and find a new place to live. In the 4 periods I've gambled, I've lost 3 relationships because of it, which it's beyond me the hurt I cause and why I still do it. I pick myself up after hitting rock bottom, sorting my life out to only ruin it again and again.

The family love and hate me, it's difficult for them to understand why I've gambled another period of my life when they thought everything was going so well and on track. It's difficult for me to even answer why I put myself through it and them. It hurts the family, breaks bonds and causes arguments.

The family has always supported me but when it happens a 4th time with large debt again, my Salary will cover the debt over time but there is only so many times I can hurt them before they give up completely. They will never believe anything I say.

All I can say deep down is I don't want to gamble, it's a massive weight from my shoulders speaking out again and I start from rock bottom again.

First gambling councelling session booked in for next week, helps to talk about it all in more depth & detail than the questions asked by family members. Since opening up, I may have lost a lot but it's a huge weight of my shoulders.

Hi Ryan welcome back.

Like you I lost more than money to gambling, when I told all I was kicked out of the family home by my ex. TBH it's the best thing that happened to me it didn't seem like it at the time but if someone said here 30k clear you debts and pick up where you left of gambling included I wouldn't go back. The lies and deceitfulness would not be worth it. Don't get me wrong I'd love to be back under the same roof as my son but getting it all out on the open just over a year ago made the difference for me. I couldn't go back to it, I'm actually proud of me today and can walk about with my head held high.

Stick with it mate you've done it before you can do it again.

KTF

Morning Ryan , Just read through your last couple of post's and while I've not gone through as much agony as you or your family , I can understand when you question yourself about why you keep doing it to yourself and those we claim to love .

Fair credit to you for owning up and coming clean to everyone , not ended pretty I know but Honesty is the starting point for any recovery that wants to move forward .

It's a long hard road back for all of us , with many years of dealing with the aftermath of what weve done but with determination everything's possible and hopefully relationships over time can be mended .

I wish you well my friend and hope the councelling helps next week .

Best wishes

Alan

Dropping in for an update. Nearly 3 weeks since I stopped gambling. Luckily I've had a lot to keep me busy with my relationship separation, sorting out the house and a new place to live!! Had my first gambling councelling session, which went well but the first if you havent done one before is filling out a lot of paperwork. Payday today, makes a change not logging on and gambling, first time since I did that in two years. All that time I spent gambling, I do feel a little lost at time finding something to do, but joined the Gym which helps kill a few hours in the evening. Ryan