now i believe i can do this

Happy birthday to me!

Anyway first day down and plenty more to come.

Still looking for answers.....why?

Makes no sense yet i continue to feed an addiction which makes me sad,mad and bad.

Stay strong

Day 3 with no issues.

No patting on the back and professing how good i'm feeling,keeping the head down and working at it.

Had a fleeting thought today of going to the bookies but quickly snuffed out by knowing if i enter then i have no control and potentially gamble fortunes.

Not for m just now and hopefully the future.

Stay strong

Happy belated birthday for Tuesday & welcome back 🙂

Question is, what are you going to do differently this time? I know you 'met with a counsellor' round about Christmas time but left without answers, surely you weren't expecting to get them from one session? What are the questions you want answering? Maybe chucking them out here will help!

The why question is the same one we all ask, it's because we're addicted & we know no better way until we figure out the safe path!

You're not gambling to get rich, you know that, you abstained for long enough to have felt @ least some financial rewards of not throwing away every last penny. I kinda don't wanna ask it but you've been around the diaries (mine included) to know I'm gonna anyway...What are you running from? What does gambling offer you that a walk in the sun or a relaxing bath or a good film or any manor of other stuff that non CG's fill their time with doesn't? Is it the buzz, coz you know that's short lived! Is it an escape? I still have no idea why I was so daft for so long but I've found my way now with tools @ my disposal should I falter!

Well done on day 3 but I think you're gonna have to dig deep for some answers, if not for you then for your girls because there ain't no way of hiding the pain that gambling brings forever! Why not try a different counsellor? Give GA a go now that you realise you don't enjoy gambling anymore because it has progressed to just pain? Speak to your GP about alternative therapies, there is other stuff out there. But whatever you do, do something different this time.

OldhamKTF has a thread for multiple exclusions from the bookies...I know it doesn't stop us entering but maybe the thought of not being able to 'cash out' that elusive big win may make you think twice? You could always pop your money into the nearest charity tin & save yourself the time & energy of being fleeced!

You can do this - ODAAT

Thanks odaat for taking time to address my quandry.

As you know i have tried so many things over the yrs and spoke to people and got involved in group discussions which ok had there enlightening moments but ultimatley they just fizzled out.

Am i running from anything,i dont think so. I started gambling at 15 and continued ever since and nothing traumatic has really happened from them till 30 yrs later to think that the reason lies deep.

I think it is just a very bad habit that has been part of my life for so long that i dont know how to live without it.

I suppose it could be broken in half the question why.

Why do i feel when i have spare time do i automatically think about bookies?

Why when i am in the bookies do i feel i have to bet on every race which takes place or put everything i have into a machine with no care of consequence?

Is it the buzz i seek? I hate losing. Very difficult not to lose betting on everything. Yet there is no way i can enter a bookies without betting on everything,control is taken away after that first bet is placed.

Why am i so secretive. I hate anyone knowing my business or wether i am in the bookies.

Am i ashamed? Guilty? I know i feel humiliated after pumping hundreds of pounds into a machine and cursing and swearing.

As you can guess i'm still struggling.

Stay strong

I could have written that explanation about running...Even after all these months in recovery, I'm no closer to figuring out whether I was or not! I'm not massively well read on the subject of addiction & have to bow to those further along than I who suggest that we all gamble to escape but I prefer the 2 option escape/action version because I can't even squeeze my lithe self into the escape mould!

30 years of muscle memory left me @ a loss with what to do with myself in my early days of recovery...I think it's the location part of the triangle. Bar work, every single other thing I did outside my house led to me gambling regardless of how well intentioned I was when I set out.

Having never gotten past the machines, I managed to avoid the cartoon racing in the bookies but once inside, I felt the need to play all 4 machines wherever possible (rarely) because invariably the one I wasn't on was the one making the lucky sod playing it rich! Losing is tantamount to a 4 letter word & what kind of a loser lets a machine beat them, even if that machine is your bestest friend in the whole wide world sometimes! There are bad losers & bad losers & I was one of the worse, never knowing I was beat until I could gamble no more! Every time I did my finances (every time I gambled), I worked out how long it would take me to get straight & every new day I let Mr Gamble convince me that I had to speculate to accumulate...What tosh!

I couldn't bear the thought of anyone knowing I was a gambler...It is so far removed from the image I think people have of me that I swear people wouldn't have believed me anyway. The NM is a prime example...It doesn't matter how many times I tell him he can never let his guard down it is always me that puts him back on his toes. My mindset has changed somewhat & although I'm not quite ready to wear an 'I am a CG badge', if the opportunity presents itself now I genuinely think I would fess up! Gambling thrives on secrecy, the less people that know, the fewer people that will judge us as the losers that we are lining the pockets of Fred & the likes! Would I have hated people knowing my business if I was doing something worthy? I expect not, I just didn't want to be caught in 'there', rather be discovered coming out of a poorly lit shop in Soho!

Ashamed, guilty, humiliated? Yes in doses...30 years of damage may never leave me! Struggling? No, not anymore & that's the honest truth!

Coming clean so that I could really have my finances monitored (he never really got to grips with them but knowing I would be busted was a great deterrent) & drawing the line under my vast losses were vital once I'd realised that control was not a word I could ever associate with gambling! I didn't want it to start with & I've not done my recovery the traditional way (as you know, I have leaned heavily on this site a lot) but I'm open to doing what ever it takes to stay here now, I can't go back!

No point me saying it's easy coz that's bull but if you put the right barriers up to make it as impossible as you can to revert to type then that's half the battle!

Recovery isn't going to come to you, it's a lifelong commitment but you want this, only you can get it - ODAAT

Day 6 and another working day so no chance to gamble.

Yesterday spent with my girls shopping for their birthdays. Yes i winced but when i did i remembered i spent only a fraction of what i have been spending gambling.

Happy days and long may it continue.

Stay strong

Day 7 and another day down.

Had a wee think about gambling as i had a small window of opportunity as the racing i noticed was starting early today due to it being a bank holiday but i quickly put the thoughts to bed. Could also have visited the deadly den (bookies) after 7 but again the notion passed quickly which is a great sign.

Wee girls birthday today so a good day spent with the family.

Brill.

Stay strong

Welcome to week 2 🙂

& why not pop over onto Oldhamktf's thread & get that number for self exclusion? I know myself it's never gonna stop you if you really wanna go & donate a 'few quid' but the need to have to find another den may just buy you enough time to come to your senses. You need to do everything you can to retrain your brain so that it doesn't go into autopilot! One of my basic changes was to use a different car park when I first found recovery because driving down the A41 on my day off (aside from it being my only route to anywhere because I rarely did anything different) made my brain smile coz we were off to get rich!

Have you had any thoughts yet about what you're going to do differently or try again?

Day 8 and i'm heading to the golf course on this sizzling day. Not only will i enjoy my golf but as i'm teeing off at 3 it takes away the threat of bookie visiting as this kind of time is "danger time".

Odaat again thanks for your input and i already self excluded in november using the new system. Honestly i was on the phone for over an hour running through gambling establishments that i wanted excluded from which is a great deterent but there is always somewhere to go if you put your mind to it and i do a fair bit of miles so the list would be exhaustive.

Ultimately its down to me and my desire to put the bookies to rest. I can honestly say the bookies shop is the only place where i have the problem. Never been to a casino and flirted briefly with online stuff but seen a similar trait happening so binnrd that idea last year.

On a positive note i have never visited any of my excluded shops largley down to the thought of the embarressment and humiliation i would feel if i got ejected from a premise.

Stay strong

Day 9

Was going to say that i couldnt gamble due to being at work but just remembered that evening racing is now a feature so i was doing myself a disservice.

Lets keep up the good fight

Day 12

Tough morning as ive nearly convinced myself to go and have a bet on the racing in a nice controlled manner....yeh right!

Kidding myself on.

Normally on a saturday and sunday i am fully booked but not this weekend leaving me with a gaping hole to fill with thoughts all over the place.

I have came on here and i have filled up with positivity and erected a mental barrier however i can feel it chipping away.

Going to go out on my bike and hopefully i will survive just like gloria.

Stay strong

Nudge, nudge...How you getting on Gloria?

You're still around then 🙂 Good! How's it going? Don't forget to lean on your diary if you need to! It's always here & will never judge you! You know how similar our stories are...It's not always a simple journey but I'm proof it can be done!

Thanks for dropping by 🙂

How frustrating is it when you write a lengthy post and try to save it only for an error on site to appear and you end up having to scrap your thoughts. Grrrrr. Really sets you back and prevented me from writing for a few days.

No blame aimed at anyone or anything thing . It happens.

Anyway back to recovery section as I feel I have completed my penance in new members section.

Let my days in recovery commence.

A long term recovery is my goal by taking it one day at a time.

Focus has been my weapon of choice over the last few days. People must think I'm mad as I drive/walk along and I'm telling myself to focus,no more gambling. It's working so who cares lol.

Been a tough couple of days as we've had to put family dog down due his lack of mobility. Amazing how animals can be missed so much when their gone. Sad.

Anyway onwards and upwards.