One month down, the rest of my life to go...

Day 51.

I've not had any urges throughout my recovery so far but last night I had my first ever dream about gambling (weird I know).

I dreamt that I was playing online slots (my biggest vice when I was gambling) and managed to win £3500 on one spin (that's the part you can definitely tell it was a dream. 😂). Anyway, having won this big amount, dream me decided enough was enough and I was going to walk away and cash out, except I couldn't. There was literally no way I could withdraw the money. It was just there looking at me, taunting me. "Look at what you could have", if you will. When I woke up from that dream, I was slightly confused but did not want to act upon it and try and gamble.

I've spent most of today trying to figure out what this dream meant. Why did I have it? Was it a test of my resolve? Was it my gambling thoughts just reminding me that, although I've made progress in my journey, they are still there? Was it just nothing?

Now whilst I've never been one for dream interpretation etc, I've come to the conclusion that the dream was a message to me. A message that, when you gamble, no matter how much you think you may have won, you never really win. That was why dream me couldn't withdraw the money. That dream has solidified my need to keep going on this journey. Has given me the assurance that I'm doing the right thing.

Gambling needs me, I absolutely do not need it and I will not be entertaining it ever again.

Stay strong all. 💪🏾

Day 56.

Been a few days since my last update but that's mainly because nothing interesting has really happened. I've been mainly working and doing 'boring' things but I've still not gambled.

Fully appreciating all the 'boring' things in life now I don't gamble.

Day 60.

Almost 2 months gamble free. Almost another milestone hit.

Gambling is still very much far from the forefront of my mind currently. I'm not feeling any urges, even when I'm in situations when others might be gambling too, which is great.

The continued support from people in the chatrooms and the forums is helping me in this battle and, especially, the support from my wife is invaluable to me.

The change in my attitude, mood and determination since I've given up gambling has pleasantly surprised me. I've spent the whole time I've been gambling pushing my education and career to the side. Now I have a new level of determination to make those a priority. I'm pushing for a promotion at work so hopefully I'll get it and that will be yet another stepping stone to recovery.

My next big milestone. 2 months gamble free today. A second pay day, where my money has not gone towards gambling.

I'm still not interested in gambling and my resolve continues to get stronger.

Thanks to everyone who has given me support and guidance throughout the last 2 months.

Keep going strong. 💪🏾

Loving your work mate. Your attitude to this has been admirable. It's always a pleasure to see people doing well and starting to find a hatred of gambling. The fact you are in here or the chatrooms most days says something to me. Those who truly commit can make this journey so much easier. It's still tough but really throwing yourself into it takes your mind off the problem. 

2 months of your life you will always remember. The first 2 months you took your life back.

Keep smashing it mate 👍 

I've neglected this diary somewhat over the last few weeks, not because I've started gambling again, or even been interested in doing it, but because my non gambling life is just so, for want of a better word, ordinary that I didn't want to bore you all. Anyway, back to it now.

Day 79.

My next big milestone is fast approaching. My life without gambling is so much better, I genuinely spend time now wondering why I even bothered doing it in the first place. For the last God knows how many years (I literally forgotten), I found myself basically broke after payday, once I'd paid my bills, debts and gambled what I could. I'd be deep into my overdraft and wondering how I was going to fill my car up to get to work and take the kids to school, where I was gonna get the money for food shopping for the rest of the month, however, for the last 2 months I have had my wages, paid all my bills and still have money left over. It's such a great feeling.

I have been pushing myself more at work since stopping gambling, to try and get a promotion I've coveted for a long time but lost the drive for because of the mess I was in after gambling. Hopefully in the coming months, that will happen.

My Open University course starts this week, so that will be another distraction for me and another reason to turn away from gambling.

Day 79 done. On to the next.