Out in the open

Echo Lethe when she says it’s not the money that’s the problem, it’s the compulsion to gamble. Money comes and money goes but lost self is irreplaceable. (Although if there are regular five figure withdrawals sooner or later that will cause it’s own consequences - how can it not?)

It sounds as if your partner is in denial or otherwise doesn’t recognise how dangerous your addiction is. It’s said that addiction is a family disease and I’ve found that to be so. One aspect is the emotional absence that your partner has commented on, what’s become normal for the family and how they relate to each other is actually very dysfunctional, whether or not the coffers are fully drained. The tension becomes normal, the parents become mother son and that becomes what’s known and familiar etc, the children get caught up in it and that’s what they grow up with.

There is all sorts of help out there, I personally don’t think that any of it is a substitute for Twelve Step. Try GA for you and GamAnon or CoDA for her, they can teach a healthier way to live and to break the cycle of addiction.

CW

Hi Kelly / Frozen / CW

Thanks for comments ... think the other one was making a joke about ‘Frozen’s’ username ... to me a while to get it and didn’t split my sides when I did! Yes, I think my partner doesn’t understand that it’s a deep seated psychological issue ... she thinks I was daft, she’s let me off and that’s it ... so I’ll definitely go for the external help. Will speak to my sister ... she’s struggled with depression etc and her outlet was alcohol .. she seems to be making progress in her own recovery ... I’m worried about dragging her down so will have a think before contacting her. Feeling gradually better each day ...

Don’t think i’ll have too much issue not gambling again as have cut off my source of money, and don’t think i’d ever take a loan. Know I need to be careful though as I have quite a stressful job, and when it’s at its worst, that’s when I gamble the most ... i’m MD of a family business ... think they take it as a bit of a game ... they are very wealthy and it doesn’t really matter how the business does, so i’m Left worrying about paying wages, suppliers etc ... I think if I can get my self respect back i’ll have the confidence to look for a different job.

Kelly - really appreciate you getting back in touch as read your diary again yesterday and know the recovery hasn’t been easy for you. I definitely agree that learning to forgive and like myself again will be a big help. For some reason I actually think the gambling was a form of punishing myself ... my last hand of blackjack was £10k and I was desperate to lose so I could stop ... bizarre ... I could have just withdrawn the funds. Anyway, day with the kids as partner at work ... at least I won’t be trying to sneak in some racing and blackjack.

Hi I'm just commenting on things that jumped out at me. If your partner thinks it's daft she needs to learn about addiction. Don't ignore it. The second is your mind is a powerful thing. Depression is also progressive. The more depressed you get the longer it takes to recover. There is no shame in getting help from your gp and if anyone is offered medication it is for a reason. Who cares if you take a tablet to get you through. Don't underestimate the power of addiction or the mind. Gambling is a self medicating behaviour for underlying problems.

d a great

So, checking in and saying how glad I am to be on this forum and for the moral support from everyone. I know some people have nothing financially left so not trying to make anyone feel bad. On a couple of days i deposited large sums, lost a lot and ended up £13k in total ... so having spent two nights physically shaking and going to bed exhausted did I learn from this narrow escape .. of course not ... I was always going to lose in the end ... thought I was invincible and that if I went down, as long as I kept upping the stakes I would only need a couple of hands to get level ... until I lost 11 hands in a row and could gamble no more .... now here is the laughable bit ... firstly, after the second go I tried to close the account, but it said it would ‘cause potential issues with pending withdrawals’ ... in hindsight should have left the account open but made my maximum deposit £1.

The next day (a week ago) they took my stake out of my account. They have also taken the stake out for my night if shame. I haven’t had any of the winnings back in ... I have called them and they are held up by unusual betting patterns eg I did a lot of doubling up and it’s now allowed ... now I know you can’t do this on roulette but never had that for blackjack. Now I am actually hoping they don’t pay me out and say my betting is invalid and am trying to get that in writing ... I can then legally claim it was also invalid when I lost. Now I know they won’t be that daft and aren’t hoping for the money back, but just shows how bent they are ... they haven’t work out yet my losing night clearly, but we’re just looking at ways of getting out of wins. Obviously they will pay out, as they’ll work out what might happen if they don’t, but I just want to funds in so I can transfer to my partner as they are needed to pay for an extension we’ve had ... I check every hour .. what happens if they land some time and I’m no longer feeling like I never want to gamble again and decide it’s my one chance to get my losses back while I have a large stake?? (I won’t do this as would be terrible to my family and would leave us in large debt). Secondly, when i did tell them I wanted to exclude when I got my funds back, they said I would also be excluded from another well known betting company who they must own ... i’m already excluded from them as joined and excluded every bookies I could think of earlier in the year!! I asked what happens if they didn’t manage to exclude me by mistake ... they said it might void my betting ... ‘might’ ... I guess they mean if I lose it would be fine, but if I win it wouldn’t!! Sorry for the ramble, but wanted to show how terrible the bookies are ... responsible gambling ... I deposited a six figure sum within 4 days of joining with no questions but they try and get out of the winning element. The ‘cancel pending withdrawal’ function and creating issues if you try and close an account while waiting for funds is clearly designed to make you give it back if you manage to win by some fluke.

Anyway, I look forward to sharing with you that ideally they won’t pay me out, in which case i’ll see them in court to get my stake back, including losses. More realistically I can’t wait to hand them over to my partner ... I asked to get them sent to her but they said they had to go back to my method of deposit, ie my debit card.

Other than the above, had a great day with kids and gradually getting fewer dark thoughts. Hope the above comes across as intended ... an example of how the industry is designed to work against the punter, particularly those of us with addiction problems ... they just won’t let you have a moment of awareness, take your funds out immediately and close your account ...

No poor bookies for a reason.

Agreed. Funnily enough they’ve taken over £100k out of my account now and not deposited a penny of the funds i’m due back, even though I’m actually owed a withdrawal from 7 days before my last losing bet ... here’s hoping they’re claiming my betting is void ... clearly they won’t but making it hard to transfer funds to partner and move on.

Hi RSmith39

Belated welcome to the forum.

Just read through your diary and it seems that whilst the sums probably seem quite big to many of us, I would suggest you need to completely forget about the money. Whilst obviously you need to let the transactions run through to your bank account, once that is done, just put a line under it all and accept it is gone.

I just worry that a lot of your posts are focused on the money and the payments to/from the bookies/casinos and if you start thinking that some aspect of it was "unfair" you will try and recoup it somehow and that somehow will be one last attempt at winning it back. One of the biggest steps I took was to accept that the money was gone, never coming back and the online casinos had won. It was kind of liberating and whilst the sums involved for me were much smaller, I now almost look at the £6000 I lost as the cost of realising i had a gambling problem and can therefore never gamble again.

Good luck and keep posting. From my limited experience and reading on here, the amounts of money and personal circumstances actually make very little difference to how this affects you. Most people seem to go through similar periods of urges, self loathing, despair etc. Don't suffer in silence, there are many wise people on here - I would also highly recommend getting some counselling - I had never used any type of counselling before but found it hugely useful in understanding why I gambled and dispelling some of the negative thoughts I was having about myself.

Hi Muststop,

Thanks so much for checking in. Yes, I know I need to just draw a line under it, and at least I’m not in debt ... I know it was my fault and not a con (other than the way gambling always in). Think it will help once i’ve Had the funds back and given them to my partner as don’t want to be tempted at all when they land ... have occasional thoughts of not feeling any worse if I lose more, and can make myself better if I get it back, but I know that is stupid and definitely won’t do it.

I also agree that the amount is kind of irrelevant and we’re all in the same boat, whatever the personal circumstances. Just need to move on, forget about the money and never gamble again. I think it will help when i’m Back at work, rather than stewing at home. Thanks again, and appreciate all advice. Rich

Just venting again. Was feeling much better yesterday - basically starting to accept what I lost and just wanting to move on gamble free. Read some interesting debates (arguments in some case) around whether gambling addiction is an illness. Don't want to get into medical definitions, but do think when we are gambling compulsively we aren't in our right minds .... as such, we need to cut ourselves some slack. The condition is that when we are thinking clearer, we do something to stop it happening again ... given I don't have the answers as to why I even did it, I can't say that those conditions wouldn't occur again.

So, I've joined this forum, excluded myself from various accounts, and handed over financial control to my partner, and told friends and family about the issue.

The one thing stopping me moving on at the moment is the online bookie where I lost all the money ... give you a clue, it was unfair betting that got me into this. As explained earlier, I actually one a few times earlier in the week, before the big meltdown, so they owe me a significant 5 figure amount back (which is going straight to my partner to pay for some building work we have had done). Initially they queried paying me it back due to "irregular betting" ie doubling up on blackjack, even though it doesn't say you can't and there is a "bet x 2" button on the game (it was this that was my downfall ... in half a dozen re-bet x2 presses without really thinking you have gone from £100 a hand to £6,400!). Having clearly now worked out that I ultimately lost, they are now happy with my betting, but can't return the funds until they verify my ID! They will happily take over £100k from your account without any knowledge of who you are, but won't pay a smaller amount of this back to you!

Great news though ... it might take a few days to sort this out, but in the meantime they will send the funds back to my account ... clearly promoting responsible gambling, given while I haven't shut the account (so I can sort this out), my max deposit is now £1 a month (I will shut as soon as I get my money). Good job I'm in a slightly better place, as if I'd known this when I had my meltdown or the day after, I would have asked them to drop it back in to give me a chance to get my money back and feel better.

I guess I've passed a first test in telling them to stick it re reversing the withdrawal and just send me the money. Now stuck at work in the snow on a day off, trying to get the scanner to work to send them various bits of ID ... then just need to go to hospital to get them the DNA sample they also require ....

Day 7. Feels kind of weird looking back on a week ago, when I was on a high having had a couple of wins. Oh well, need to take the advice, forget the loss and move on ... seems to be getting slightly easier ... still waking up in the night, but at least i’m sleeping in the first place. Just looking forward to finally getting paid out and sending it to my partner. Proud I didn’t ask them to put the funds in my account yesterday ... will hopefully find the energy to report them to the Ombudsman, although won’t cause them any grief and will drag it up again for me, so not sure what good it would do. Anyway, went to see Lion, Witch and Wardrobe at theatre with family yesterday, which was great ... they did well to put on such a story on the stage. Mind drifted off at various points, but only to be expected. Roll on 2018 and cracking on with the 2018 Challenge.

Happy New Year everyone and best wishes and good luck to all for 2018.

Still gamble free ... not missing it. Went down to in laws in day yesterday and had nice time .. would normally have found excuse not to go and ended up bored and playing blackjack.

Given currently skint, stayed in with other half and managed to get through first series of Broadchurch ... really enjoyed it although a bit emotionally heavy. Something else I probably missed because I was gambling.

Slightly nervous about going back to work tomorrow, as the combination of stress and boredom there has partly led to the gambling. Still, will really focus on the business, and See if it can be saved (i’m the M.D, the owners don’t seem too bothered and just leave me to deal with it while they have dozens of holidays a year). If it can’t I’m not going to take personal responsibility for all the jobs there and will jump ship and get something else myself. Sounds selfish, but my own mental state and the well-being of my family is going to be the priority for 2018. Looking forward to year ahead and hopefully heading further away from my rock bottom. Will no doubt need some support along the way, and hope I can return the favour to others.

Hi Rsmith39

I've enjoyed reading your diary and watching your progress so far, so your first challenge of 2018 is tomorrow going back to work and reality, settling back into a routine and that routine up until now will have involved gambling so let's make sure you don't fall into the same trap. Sure your job might be very very stressful and you may see gambling as an outlet to this. But just remember if you do get any urges that your life could be a whole lot stressful with the stress of your job and more money down the drain. You've visited the inlaws,watched broadchurch been and seen the lion witch and the wardrobe (few friends went to that at the playhouse same night as you said it was excellent) These may all seem like small things but if you piece them together you will see that, this is what a gamble free life is all about. Keep your head high you've done well so far.

Thanks Yorkshirelad,

Appreciate the comments and time taken to read my diary. I’m getting out of the mental hole a day at a time. I’m really glad for you that you’ve come here while your hole is hopefully more of a divot! I’d definitely have a word with someone just so you have some protection for pay day ... it’s easy to be gamble free when you have no money to hand (as I’m finding) but need to be ready for next time temptation is at hand. Cheers. Richard

Hi Richard. Thanks very much for the comments on my diary. I do sense a particular affinity with you in the sense of the huge amounts we have both lost. How has work been? Has it been boring and quiet as before? I go back to mine tomorrow. I think I will bury myself in work if possible as I will have plenty to do. Scott

Hi Scott. Agreed that I think we’ve ended up in a very similar boat! Work a struggle ... the company I work for is struggling financially so always getting chased by suppliers etc ... I run the company, but the owners don’t seem to take it seriously (one currently in Florida, the other in New York for a few weeks!). I went with enthusiasm to get stuck in, but I just think I need another job! On a positive, a stressful day at work would normallly have led to a gamble, so glad I haven’t the ability to do that, as chances are it would make it worse. As an aside, people can waste money on other things than gambling ... last year one of the owners racked up a £20k phone bill in 3 days in Barbados by watching films on his phone ... had a call today with a £12k bill in 2 days in New York ... he thought he’d connected to hotel WiFi but must have forgotten ...should have asked what film it was ... Richard