Out of the shadows

I've been focusing on the negatives for to long. So long that I had glossed over the positives.
Like they didn't exist.
Those being I have a family who loves me know matter what.
We have a home that has very little mortgage left. We're debt free. And both have decent job's
Sometimes you will focus not on the good but on the bad.
There's been slips this year but I'm not going to get hung up on them. If you except who you are. That's when you can make changes. Be they subtle or complete overalls. I'm thankful for every lesson I've had in life because that's what's made the person I am today.
Am I a bad person because I'm an addict? Definitely not addiction doesn't define who I am or where I'm going.
Of course there will be good day's and then there will be bad. But such is life. Just don't forget the good when it's bad. And don't forget the bad when things go good . Because they will always be lurking waiting for you to mess it up.
I've met a lot of good people on this site. They have given me great advice when I've been down
And not once have they passed judgment when I've spilled my soul to them. For that I'm thankful
My last week's outburst has made me realise I need to take a step back for a while. And concentrate on me. As one of the greats on here said the gamcare circle of life

Be happy

Hi Dean, how's it going? I haven't been on for a while so I've missed a few things. Are you still gamble free? Why did you set up a new account on here lol

Deano8008 wrote: I've been focusing on the negatives for to long. So long that I had glossed over the positives. Like they didn't exist. Those being I have a family who loves me know matter what. We have a home that has very little mortgage left. We're debt free. And both have decent job's Sometimes you will focus not on the good but on the bad. There's been slips this year but I'm not going to get hung up on them. If you except who you are. That's when you can make changes. Be they subtle or complete overalls. I'm thankful for every lesson I've had in life because that's what's made the person I am today. Am I a bad person because I'm an addict? Definitely not addiction doesn't define who I am or where I'm going. Of course there will be good day's and then there will be bad. But such is life. Just don't forget the good when it's bad. And don't forget the bad when things go good . Because they will always be lurking waiting for you to mess it up. I've met a lot of good people on this site. They have given me great advice when I've been down And not once have they passed judgment when I've spilled my soul to them. For that I'm thankful My last week's outburst has made me realise I need to take a step back for a while. And concentrate on me. As one of the greats on here said the gamcare circle of life Be happy

you'll be missed. let us know when your back. tri

The truth is I'm absolutely struggling at the minute.
Part of me wants me to pack my bags and head to the hills.
Push everyone away don't show them your weak.
But I am weak
Last week crushed me to where I've started to think I'll never face up to it.
The same thinking I can afford to gamble so why not.
I can afford to gamble so why do I need to gamble?
Financially it doesn't effect me
But mentally it ruins me. I can't do anything else.
How do you control the urge when you feel like it's going to burst from your chest?
How do I get out without it driving me to depression?
11 day's In and I'm struggling

Hello Dean,

You've just saved me writing a similar post.

I'm hearing you loud and clear. I'm a week away since a fairly damaging mind f***k gambling chase.

I steer clear of this forum in truth, because quite frankly i neither want to hear the truth or possibly haven't the courage to change. I believe in my self that i've pin pointed from my formative years when i went off kilt, no hang ups there, yet haven't got a clue or dont want to know in how to repair any of my failings.

Maybe i'm wrong but you appear to be in a similar cycle as myself at the moment and for me i know deep down, i need help to see the wood from the tree's. Guiltily, it reinforces theres something out of sync between our body and minds and more guilt is knowing that i'm far from being alone in my struggles.

Planning to make the most of my Sunday and hope you do too..

On day 18, I told myself I could gamble...In 10 mins, when I've just done this, finish that 1st, sit on a bench, sort this out 1st, buy a drink, take my bags back to the car. Everytime I finished one goal, I set a different one, all the time telling myself I would let myself gamble, eventually. It can be really simple stuff like cranking up the car radio, listening to the end of the song, walking round a block, making a call you don't want to make, just stopping & breathing - put space between you & the urge. They feel so strong but they're nothing more that paper tigers (Thanks Joan) & when you come out the other side of an urge tsunami you will be better equipped to face the next storm!

How you get out without facing depression, I don't know but when gambling hurts like it does, I do know that getting out is what you need to do! Keep working @ it Deano...You will get there - ODAAT

Every bleedin time I have have a shoofty around here , up ya pop ?

I hate to see you like this Deano but the answer to your questions " How do you control the urges " and " How do I get out without it driving me to depression " Is a pretty simple one . " Acceptance that to get to where you long to be , you have to allow those feelings to be with you and deal with them One at a time or One day at a time until they ease or pass " and they will and do pass my old friend .

Ok its not about the money for you , so it's almost like the fear of letting go and living your life with something thats been a natural part of it for so long ?, you also said on a previous post " It's also about mixing with the family and the social side of things " , so maybe you need to explore those sides of it a bit more ? , perhaps talk more tio the family about how this is making you feel and that although your quite happy to go along with them to horse meetings or a night at the dogs, you don't want them to pressure you into having a bet .

Going back to the money though mate , I started by saying the money didn't matter but the longer I've gambled the more over the years I've lost and ended up borrowing to fund it , which TBH I never thought I would , Ok I'm not in a mess but I'm just saying how easy it is to start a downward spiral and it could easily end that way for you , a few days missed from work because your in the zone and before you know it , everything starts going belly up ,

This is just me but when I stopped , a big part of my fear was letting go of my "COMFORT BLANKET OF GAMBLING " , I couldn't get my head around the idea of never placing another bet and I was truly scared of life without it , it had been alongside me for 35 yrs , holding my hand whenever I was having a good , bad or really shi'tty period in life , the truth is life without it is just fine , nothings any different , the good , bad and shitt,,y days are still there but know I accept thats just life and by dealing with the crapp'y ones head on , instead of running for the " Blanket " I really appreciate the good ones :}}.

Were all so different on here Bud , we have different views and opinions on everything and this is just mine , you have to come to terms with what you really want and how your going to make that wish happen , there's no magic cure but hanging on to something thats making you have so much turmoil in your life is just plain crazy , I still get the odd urges even now but instead of those early gut twisting ones I used to have , thier more like fleeting moments which pass almost without a second thought , my life's not perfect mate but I really don't think life ever is , all I know is that since I stopped It's a damm site better than it used to be ,

Do what you need to do Deano , if the moneys no issue then so be it , carry on doing what youv'e always done but if you really do want change then " Accept , Let go and allow that change to happen " , It's tough but soooo well worth it !! :))

xx

Thanks guy's for the replys
I really have tried talking to my family about it. But I'm just meet with nods and head shakes. I guess it's because they can't understand how someone so big in life can be eaten away and controlled from the inside.
My family are perfect I couldn't ask for more. My wife just wants me to be happy. Gambaling or not
I hate having addiction hanging round my neck so much it's mentally draining.
Sometimes I just want to throw the quilt over my head and hide from the world. That's my safe place.
I need to let my guard down and show people who I am inside
I can't live just putting a brave face on anymore
I know urges pass eventually
Getting through them is the tough part.

I just need to focus on what I have. Instead of some crazy dream of what I could have.

So here I am my names Dean and I am a compulsive gambaler

The nods and head shakes are prob because they don't quite know what to say or how to deal with it ? If their not a compulsive gambler then how could they have empathy for something they haven't experienced , maybe some sympathy yes but it's difficult for us to understand what we do , so how the hell are they supposed to really get it ?.

Is that what your finding tough to let out , the person you really are and not the one they believe you are, will they see it as a sign of weakness in you or do you not want to show a weakness ? . It's easier continuing to be the same person weve always been because we don't have to put much effort in and everyone carries on happy believing the bullsh..it we want them to see ,

Weve all hidden under the quilt mate instead of coming out into the real world , we know who we are but are afraid of showing our true selves that have been hidden under the smokescreen of gambling for years , I've stopped gambling and I'm def not the bloke I was 12 months ago , I'm not scared of facing life honestly and showing my feelings , wheather those feelings are good , bad ,happy or sad and it's been quite an eye opener to find out whos been hiding underneath all these years , all the lies to myself the coverups and bullsh..it yarns I've told just to justify why I can keep on doing the same old thing day in day out , it was all a big smokescreen .

This is not an easy ride Deano and it's almost like trying to get yourself out of a riptide , try and go through it and swim for the shore and you'll tire yourself out and it'll drag you back under and win , go with the flow and swim to the side and you'll break free to safety , youv'e got a loving supportive wife who knows your secrets and a wonderfull family who maybe just don't know quite what to do to help , maybe time to swim sideways a while and use what you really do have in your armoury to swim to safety :)).

Youv'e hesitantly dipped your toe in the pool of abstinance for many months now , sometimes for a fair number of gamble free days , then periods of questioning yourself again , no doubt whatsoever in my mind that your honest and that you really do want control of your life back but you are the only one that make the complete transition and leave it all behind , it's all about what you want more ? .

I know you said GA wasn,t for you but maybe worth another shot ? xx

Hi deano

I have some sympathy. I know there's often the initial buzz when people stop. Cos they go holy sheite! I CAN actually not gamble. A euphoric realisation.

But. ..If gambling's a symptom, then merely cutting out gambling doesn't suddenly make an amazing life, just that something destructive is taken out.

and I suppose with you, like me to an extent, the addiction itself wasn't THAT destructive.

I wonder about a lot of people who profess to magically have amazing lives, since stopping. Is it for real or a p1$$1ng contest?

For me it's not about being happy, but being more alive, about living by my values. This involves accepting and working on what's been holding me back.

Very much a work in progress and I have to be careful not to just talk the talk. But when I start doing stuff, I'm moving in the right direction, and to me that's key, that movement, not the final destination

Louis

Yeah , I miss our little back n forths too Deano :)) Great times in the high five club if I rememeber rightly , upset a few with that but hey ho !!.

As has been proved by the reply's youve had to your post , your gonna have 25 ways to achieve what you want to do suggested to you ( mine included ) and as always it's as we learn on here early doors ( take what works for you and dump what you dont need ) , there's tons of conflicting input goes on around here , do what makes you happy , follow this way , don't do this , burn joss sticks at one hourly intervals every other tuesday??? but FFS it's about you and not anyone else and all you have to do is take the mishapen bits of the jigsaw and slot em back together to get the picture that only you can create .

I actually think thats why I 've wanted to breakaway a bit from here , despite being told by some that mines the wrong approach , that by not doing this or doing that I'm doomed to failure , either I'm not reading enough books on self improvement or not attending meetings it wont last ? , Well , I feel in a pretty good place a year on and what I've done for me has worked , I'm genuinly happy with life and not a pis5ing contest in sight :)) but I am always going to be work in progress if nothing else but to make sure I'm not still here in four years time spouting the same old sh11t .

Sorry mate , went off on one then ( old habits eh ) , just had my hips injected on Friday , so blame it on the Steroids ?

Off to the IOW tommorow with the fosterkids for a few days , my daughters on honeymoon in the Maldives and I get Shanklin , something wrong there me thinks ? .

Iv'e got your email and will catch up with you early next month ( if I can learn about face thingy :)) ?.

Take care old mate , kisses x

Sorry I'm late to the party.

I can only repeat what I told you this morning take it ODAAT. I know you want to stop and for today you have.

Although just didn't enjoy gambling the other week what you did was stoke the fire, the embers have not gone out yet and are trying to catch alight again. Just like on your first day one in time they will fizzle out.

KTF I 100% have In you

I stopped smoking over a year ago now. It was hard to do. It has many similarities to quitting gambaling. Anyway I quit by starting vaping which at the time was a god send. But although I don't have nicotine in my vape so I'm no longer dependant on that. I struggle to let my vape pen go
I know this to be a mental thing
But the urge like my gambaling say I leave it at home is overpowering. I can't concentrate with out knowing it near by.
My wife seems to think I'm trying to quit to many things at once which is why I'm maybe struggling. Also including tea and losing weight.

So, here I am as promised & firsty, might I suggest caffeine free Tea as a starter. I went coldish turkey with caffeine & not only did I not learn from the 1st time of doing it, it turns out, it's really bad for you to do that! Now, being female (lol) I shouldn't be in the habit of sharing my toilet troubles but I swear (I'd have to check my diary for the exact timings) I didn't P**P for 2 whole weeks on one occasion & the next time, I gave myself some sort of 'restless leg syndrome'. That's without the head in a vice type stuff that I expected.

My next suggestion would be to bin the trying to lose weight plan in exchange for a getting healthier one. That's what hubby & I are doing as the scales approach 4 stone more than when we 1st got together (not bad you say but it equates to about a stone a year)...25 whole minutes in the gym today (probably more needs must as we are showerless @ the mo) means that 2moro has finally come. I'll let you know if we last past day 1!

But enough jibber jabber...I started thinking about this post when you mentioned feeling complete rubbish in chat recently & I wanted to say I get it. If I dropped in & said it already, soz, I'm going a bit senile. Everything I've learned about addiction points towards people having a hell of a time when they stop because there's no-where to hide anymore. I obviously haven't experienced that & am yet to work out what my triggers were but in the absence of anything visible, my recovery is still largely financial. Like Pops, I was still treading water financially when I realised I was right on the edge & everyday I don't gamble, I find something to be grateful for be it a free evening where I don't have to sit & figure out which millennium I could get straight by, or picking up the Tesco Finest sausages & not just because I'm splitting the bill now. Because you've come to your senses way sooner that I did, you're not balanced on that precipice so unlike so many of us on here, you haven't felt the immediate financial benefit of stopping.

Also, you have got deep rooted worries that you have carried for years & if gambling had taken away my concerns than I could kill people by messing up a well established routine or even help me not to grieve, I doubt for one second that I would have had the balls that you have. & on that note, given that I was bought a flashy pink TuTu for marvelling @ a fluffy pink cloud one day I can only imagine what sort of stick you could be subjected to down on site! Not exactly the done thing for a hod carrying Alpha male to come into work blubbing & wanting to chat about his feelings regardless of how much you need to.

You wife/loved ones won't be being obtuse, they can't possibly understand how much gambling hurts because they don't see the effects of it. If you were someone who had remortgaged your house, sold family heirlooms, had Payday loans in their names, wondering how you were going to afford uniforms for the kids or pay for their bus passes like my mum couldn't do when we were little, you wouldn't be banging your head against a brick wall trying to explain it. I've been like a dog with a bone with my OH & still he says dumb stuff like "No, it was your money" when I say I had to get help or he would have left me. If the truth be told, I probably was better to live with when I was gambling, I certainly pretended to be happy more, tried harder maybe when the guilty conscience was on fire but even my dark days now are better than my gambling ones because I had spiralled completely out of control.

You're here & you're fighting for a reason...You strike me as someone who is well up for any challenge & like Martin, I have complete faith that you will figure it out - ODAAT

Your last post made me smile.

Another fella who's in the cycle of giving up everything. I've not got round to the ciggies but forever giving up coffee, chocolate, doob and red wine. So forever beating myself up...

As for your family not really getting your struggle regarding CG - Ditto. But, in a way im glad, I wouldn't want em too.

Thanks for your post