This is hopefully the first of many. I would normally have gambled by now as today is payday. I have probably gambled on 95% of the paydays in my entire adult life. I've been paid but my bank balance still looks unsatisfactory and unhealthy. This is my usual thought.
I've logged in for work and I have no emails and don't expect it to be busy. Fleeting thoughts to gamble usually gives my body this tingling sensation. An excitement or anxiety removed link It's hard to tell. Since waking up I've probably thought about gambling every few minutes.
I've spent a few hours reading through these forums and also had my first experience in the chatroom yesterday. I'm hoping I am able to get some knowledge about how to safeguard myself.
One of my online accounts has just emailed asking me to upload documents in order to continue playing. I tend not to do this so they will suspend my account which is good. I've allowed all my other online accounts do this.
Today is wet and dull. It makes me want to sleep. That is one way to fight off the gambling inclination. But that feels rather depressing, to retreat and to sleep. I can't just distract my mind to preoccupy it from thinking about gambling. I need to learn to rewire it. Is that possible?
Being intentional about what you want is very important, it is never an easy task to stop. But discovering your triggers to gambling is helpful. You can simply remind yourself that
"Just for today I will not gamble'
and see if it works for you. Because it is working for me. As I boldly made it my phone wallpaper as a reminder. Wish you the best on a fresh start.
The urge to gamble comes and goes. It doesn't remain for long if I manage to switch my attention to something else. But if I start to think about related matters like paying off some debt, buying something as a treat, or indeed any type of expenditure, it leads to an urge to win that amount. Some periods I would 'win' £500 to spend which I do but then I'd lose £2000 in that same period. So really, I've used £2000 to buy just £500 of items. But my brain uses a different logic. My brain thinks that if I give up gambling I'll never have those days where I'd be able to have that extra £500 spending money. From the age of 18 to now 42...this is the twisted logic which I am used to.
Another weird realisation was finding some old budget sheets on my desk drawer at work. I used to feel a strange sense of relief sometimes when I had lost everything. But I would work out my budgets for the next few months and feel a sense of relief knowing that if I stuck to my plan id be able to survive. I'd live minimally but everything would be sorted out for the short to mid term. Sometimes my budget would be £20/week which was tough but not impossible and something in me would embrace this. Of course, I always gambled and then I'd take out a new payday loan and a new revised budget would be drawn up. Having the avenue of another payday loan would also fill me with an odd sense of satisfaction. All I was doing was kicking the can further down the road. But eventually it was not sustainable and all avenues became exhausted. The debts would never become reduced even if I had stopped gambling.
The forum has made me reminisce about my thought and behaviour patterns. I don't comprehend all of it yet but hopefully I will gain the wisdom to enable me to stop for good.
@loservillex I have had the same ‘logic’ for so many years. I also used to feel a sense of relief when I’d lost it all because it meant I couldn’t gamble anymore. I have spent so many years gambling payday after payday, promising myself ‘this will be the last’ I remember one Christmas having to buy vouchers for Christmas presents because I had to wait until Christmas Day for winnings to be back into my account. So sad looking back on some of the desperate things you do when you are gambling hard. This is the first Christmas I can remember where I have brought all my present and still have money for the month to be able to function like a ‘normal’ person. I’ll be able to go the supermarket and have to add everything up s I go along because I’ve only got £10. The relief of knowing I have money to pay to get to work, to pay for bills is amazing.
it sounds like you are starting to become more aware of yourself and behaviours. This has been so crucial for me to begin my journey. My only wish is I did it sooner. If you aren’t receiving any tailored help from a therapist, for example then I would really recommend it. I’m currently going through gamechange it’s online, in terms of you will out reflective questions and then you have the option to talk to someone every week if you wish for 8 weeks. It has been so refreshing to be honest with myself and you learn so much about yourself and how to support yourself to be gamble free. Best of luck with everything xxx
My mum lost her battle to illness this morning. I made a promise to her that her spirit will live on through me. I will show the world that she raised a good son and that she was the best mother and person. So this is it.
Rest in peace mum... Love you always x
My condolences, give your mother the best gift u can by quiting gambling for good, do it for your mum, fight these urges with your soul and heart if this cant make u stop then nothing can, remember one thing no money in the world can bring her back i made the mistake of relapsing over lossing a loved one gambling isnt nine or your friend it will only promise u pain in the long run
Hello LoservilleX
I am so very sorry to hear about your mum; you must devastated! Please don't be alone with this, you will always find someone to talk to at Cruse
BEREAVEMENT SUPPORT
We are also here for you LoservilleX on 0808 8020 133
Take care of yourself
Best
Amanda
Forum Admin
Thank you Taz and Amanda. Even though the funeral expenses will now lead me to borrowing a substantial loan, I have not sought to use gambling as a way to alleviate the burden nor as an escape. The promises made to my mother have emboldened me to become a stronger and better person. At the moment my resolve is strong and I don't see this being challenged.
However, these are exceptional circumstances. It is tragic that it may have taken her death for me to finally see the light. But at least it won't have been in vain if something profound emerges from this immeasurable loss. Once the dust settles, the mood may become different. But as it stands, I feel strong and willing to make her proud even if it has come too late for her to witness.
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