Quitters win

Day 462

A new year rolls around. 2018 was a good year and a lot of that was because i made the effort to make it that way. There are never guarantees that effort=reward but all we can do is give ourselves a chance by making as many right choices as we can.

Over the last year my attitude to money has totally changed. It was gambling tokens, at times i couldn't wait to get rid of it because gambling was hurting me, physically and mentally. The biggest turning point to help me understand money and respect the work i did to get it was to withdrawl it. I gambled online and i never "saw" what i lost. Now i make 95% of my purchases and savings with physical cash. It helps MASSIVELY with budgeting. You can see what is left in each pot and work out whats left in each until the pot is topped up again on pay day.

I've changed my mind a few times on what i want to do with reguards to debt/savings. I've now worked out a plan and unless i have an unexpected financial crisis i want the end 2019 debt free.

For future reference my current financial position is:

Debt
£350 left owing for holiday (me and my sister went halves on a surprise family holiday for us and our parents for July this year for mums 50th. She will have here birthday in Rhodes).
£222.52 x19 payments left on loan
£2,120.12 on 0% CC

Total (including full interest on loan without accounting for early payment)
£6,698

Additional savings (will be used for paying off debt)
£1500

It all starts with not gambling for the whole of 2019. If i can continue to stay away each day and stick to my budget i can be debt free by the end of this year and still live a little (sensibly).

I managed the whole of 2018 GF (my first adult year GF) and that has given me the platform to make this possible. Lets give ourselves the chance to make this year better.

All the best.

Day 481

Things happen that make you stop and realise how quick time really does move.

My work hours will reduce starting Febuary and will give me an extra 5 hours a week outside of work, which should help me feel a little better. I'll still be averaging over 44 hours a week. I have struggled with the hours i do at times. Its a tough grind sometimes but i am thankful for what i have and the position my new choices have put in me so far.

Im being easied out of my comfort zone which i need. It could lead to even more positive things for myself personally. Who knows whats coming, today i didn't gamble. Tomorrow i try again.

All the best.

Hi

Just wanted to pass by and offer a big salute to your journey so far. It's really inspiring and am wishing you all the best this year so you can be debt free and living life as it should be lived. Blissfully and wholesomely.

Lovely gesture for your mum too. Good on you.

Inspiring stuff!

Thanks for dropping by Signalman, hope you are doing well.

Day 495

To be debt free i need to run my budget well. I write out a budget at the start of each month (depending on the size of my monthly bonus). I write down all my out goings and either transfer/pay off the bill or take the cash out to use for the month. It helps me maximise the income i work hard for. As such i am able to see where i can allow myself to spend some extra. This weekend i've just bought a load or new shirts for work and 2 sets of dumbbells so i can do some upper body work at home. I walk around 20miles a week to work and am generally pretty active anyway. I don't have time for the gym these days but i miss throwing the weights around.

Im at work as normal Monday then away training for 2 days. Got a 2 and a half hour drive each way (staying over night though so only 1 trip each direction) and back to work for the rest of the week as normal once im back so its going to be a LONG week. Things are on track, im focused not finished. One day at a time.

All the best.

Day 500

Time goes quick when we watch it and stopping gambling gives us time to really notice that. Sure i still have around half the debt i had when i first stopped but i've been given 500 days out of the hell of addiction. Im at peace with all that gambling took from me. Im not that person anymore, we all change over the years and i won't take that out on the person i now am.

Nice little milestone for a Friday, got the weekend off too. All good.

All the best.

Congratulations sjw on 500 days gamble free.

I wish you every happiness as you continue on your journey...Stephen

Sjw,

Great work, congratulations on the 500 + days, good to see you taking it one day at a time and hope the workload isn't as bad. Each month that goes by you are giving yourself a huge cash bonus by not gambling, well done.

Paulds

Day 543

Thanks Paulds, i hope you are well and still GF.

I feel like i need to write today. Reading ODAAT's diary, talking about isolation really hit the uncomfortable nail on the head for me today. While i am a confident person now i have stopped gambling i still have no friends. The people i work with i have a good relationship with at work and a lot of banter etc but i don't do anything outside of work with anyone.

I am honest with them about what i do (or actually don't do) outside of work. What am i interested in? I still don't know. What do i do? What do i stand for? What am i spending my precious time on? The sad truth is my answer to all, very often is nothing.

I walk 3 miles a day to work (i don't own a car, haven't for about 5 years now due to finances). I average 45 hours a week plus the travelling time. I work 5-6 days a week (1 in 3 Saturdays only a half day, 5 hours plus the normal Mon-Fri). I get home, make some tea and often just crash because i am tired. I've lived here for 3 years and i have only been out (outside of work arranged nights out) with a friend once.

I've just, for the first time joined a social media platform. I always stayed off these because i isolated myself away from everyone for the last 15 years. I had no friends, i didn't go out. I have no stories to tell, i didn't sociallise. Gambling was everything i did. I would rush home, not sleep, not leave the house on my annaul holidays to do it and i didn't want to join in or share this for obvious reasons. I have been a member for about a month and i've literally not posted anything and it hasn't gone unnoticed but what do i really have to say to anyone?

I've since not gambled for almost 18 months now and financially im still throwing all i have at my debt to clear it. I have very little to use for much else but i want the debt gone. Im still very good and being strict with myself (which isn't always good).

I want and need more but im scared to look for it. Where do i make friends, how do i tell people who i am if my entire adult life has been addiction. I am open with a good few people close to me about my addiction but this isn't something i want to throw out there on a first meeting. "Sorry im broke and i've done nothing else in the last 15 years other than gamble alone" isn't something i want to blurt out to strangers i want to become friends with but its the truth. It explains my story. It tells my past but i want to move on and away from that.

I struggle with the fear of people asking them deep questions. That i don't have the answers to without appearing dull and lifeless, like i don't care or want fun in my life. Who am i without addiction. I still have no real friends and i want them. I love the new me but how do i share that with new people that, should they want to be real friends are going to want this information. I still feel like i shut down and keep quite in groups because i don't have many experiences to share because my past was so consumed by addiction.

I need to find a way out but i find it hard to find the time, money, know where to find people to really connect with and energy in my routine of safety.

No gambling has to be my platform to build from.

All the best.

Listen mate... Wow my heart goes out to you with that post. Very powerful and shooting from the hip there... I feel so much of what you wrote in my own life... I hide behind musical instruments.

However reading the post in full, you know what, it reads like a GOOD recovery from the gambling darkness, it really does. Yes it's tough and I needn't tell you that noone promised roses and bluebells after gambling... but like you say you have that platform now, that platform is almost sacred... With that platform the world is full of possibility.

You are an interesting guy who is articulate and engaging from what I see in your diary. It's all new territory but embrace it, failure is the best way to learn - remember this - you have nothing to lose now and everything to gain.

Like anything social networking takes time and often includes a few bumps and bruises before you are flying. You've managed to put gambling to bed for almost 2 years now - you can do this friend. Good luck. Start small, expect that it doesn't go smoothly to begin with but focus on progress and ultimately improving yourself as you go along and the confidence will come with experience. If people don't like the sound of your past and are not willing to give you a chance then it's their loss... You seem like a cool guy to me. You got this.

You've come out the darkness now, may as well let some light into your life now... Humans have an an innate need to bond and share experience with each other (unless they are unwell in some capacity) It's healthy. Push yourself out that comfort zone.

Day 546

18 months GF today. Financially just about on track. Let myself have a little treat the end of this month ontop of my usual budget.

Thanks signalman, just had some tougher days lately. Physically and mentally tired atm and it still feels like a mountain to climb with some aspects of my life. At 30 i feel like im clinging on to the 'young' tag. Recovery is not easy but its a better life no doubt. I have to build on each day as i have with not gambling.

Thanks for the support. How you are well.

All the best.

hi mate, and i mean mte, you've been there for me many times. 18 months is a great achievement. everyone ha a past and youres has been gambling and its affected you in many ways not only financial. Like you say its not something you use to start up a conversation but it is something which has been a big part of youre life like mine. I find honesty goes a long way, if you are honest with people u meet then it helps in making friends. Start with seeing if people at work want to meet up in a pub and watch a footy match? or go for a coffee? outside of work. Or look them up on facebook and hit friend request and family friends etc it just snowballs mate. Or socialise with family. Or join gym clubs dancing, swimming badminton squash etc they all have clubs wehn you play someone if their not a b******d see if they want to meet up outside of the club etc. Also every night 8pm is chat on here and its a proper laugh along with offering people advice its like a social hour. Try not to make a big thing of making friends tho as you have come a hell of a long way in 18 months and im sure you are proud of that, as i say its youre past its part of you but so is coming out the other side unscathed or scathed as the case may be. Look to the future, and mainly try to enjoy the present.......hopefully c u in chat mate, adam

and i think i was meant to read ur diary tonight as ive been thinking recently about playing poker when ive retired for a hobby again but ive come to realise reading ur diary that it will not only affect me financially but ill become isolted if i do it online. So thankyou for bringing tht to my attention again.

and i think i was meant to read ur diary tonight as ive been thinking recently about playing poker when ive retired for a hobby again but ive come to realise reading ur diary that it will not only affect me financially but ill become isolted if i do it online. So thankyou for bringing tht to my attention again.

Day 553

Thanks Adam still struggling a bit tbh.

Maybe its time for GA, i need to do something or i could fall down again. Im not worried i will turn to gambling, just that i could fall back into depression. Im not 100% sure how and exactly where the meeting is in the building and im a little anxious about trying to find it on the first evening. Feel like i need some support to kick things on again.

All the best.

You may be struggling but you are working thru it with the best plan of action (a ga meeting), you will meet people in the same predicament and they will have tips on how they got thru it or you can help each other make a plan. Good to see you back i was a bit worried whether you'd ever be back. adam