reborn on the 4th July

Hi castle,

Dropping by to say hi and see that you had few difficulties over the weekend. I am glad your Jess kept your thoughts occupied and you managed to steer away from destructive thoughts.

I really appreciate all your support and understanding. This recovery is bespoke....and i just look for reasons to beat myself up sometimes...only couse i made wrong decisions in the past. It is heard but i always come out the other end...i am trying to be kinder to myself 🙂

Just want to say thank you. You always have right words to say.

Take care

Sandra x

Hey Castle

Not sure where you live but had a feeling it was Glasgow way? maybe wrong ...just checkin you are ok my friend xx

R and D xx

Thanks Sandra Rachael

Not that far up north Rach Yorkshire through and through in the city with the worst two football teams ever at the moment lol we used to be some real strong banter who was the best team in Sheffield but now think we are both embarrassed to say anything

Work and jess still rule my life, with work its just getting harder and harder and am spending more time there get paid for 39 but if I do 45 at the moment its a good week then spending as much time with jess is my other priority, after that it leaves me a few hours Sun night Wed night Fri night but am up at half four next morning so shattered and go to bed bout half nine, Monday night I try to go out for some sort of social life and try to go into work a bit later on Tuesday morning, for now that is my routine and from a gambling perspective it works no time to gamble or even think bout it its when that routine breaks the urges come

Hopefully my life will change but for now my priorities are right work will always be there but jess will get older and of course won't be as dependant on me I think that's why its so important to spend that quality time with her now, for me it fits well with my recovery I'm still learning bout myself I can see a big change in myself already I'm not the pushover I was whilst gambling due to the addiction making me feel worthless, the confidence is much better I av a lot more belief in myself and ability

Its times like this I can say why would I want to go back to that vile world of gambling but I av a compulsive nature and I know no matter what I think now the addiction is ready to pounce given the opportunity

That up to me to make sure that doesn't happen

Morning Castle,

Thank you so much for your continued support and understanding. You seem to have very busy routine yourself, i know what you mean when hours in a day is not enough...and you already on the next one. Life flies by...but my friend, you spend your precious spare time with Jess and she sure sees that. You are there for her and i see that you care big deal about her.

You are doing right thing.

But keep looking after yourself too. Health is very important my friend.

Take care

Thank you for your kind words again

Sandra x

Hey Castle

I've no idea why I put you up there in Scotland as guessing it was your flag avatar ...but even Scottish people can live in Sheffield ,..lol

I'm a " Leeds Loiner"..White Rose ...and no doubt I had some past life in the battle of Towton bridge near York when the war of the Roses was fought, the river ran red with blood so they say.

Mancunian's and Loiner' s heh heh heh but I haven't lived in Yorkshire for over 25 years since I emigrated to the North West and now reside in rural Cheshire...land of potatoes ,Gary Barlow and cheese plus a few footballers...my white rose now a little pink.

On the team side I have to say I used to follow Liverpool but now I've no interest ..guessing I would be a token City supporter now i spend all my time in Manchester for work.

I supported Leeds when OOO AHH Cantona played but I am essentially a fairweather fan and have been known to switch allegiances in football based on haircuts, legs and tenuous associations as my school pal married a pro footballer...

My favourite is Graham la Saux as he seems a lovely chap the type your mother would be proud of you if you brought him home for Sunday dinner, plus he's intelligent too...so when he was playing I would support his team..lol

Sheffield I know well as used to go there every 4 weeks when I was on the road..I used get great delight talking in hushed snooker tones on my mobile to the office as I drove up to the Crucible car park..

I used to get them every 4 weeks when they asked where I was...." I'm here at the Crucible. ..lol

...and then onto Meadowhall and Bawtry...the M1 and 62 being my first home!

Likewise Castle my life is mainly work and my little girl Dotty, but I call these the consolidation and stabilising years.

The ones where we are planting the right seeds for the future.

My lodger has been through the mill himself for differ t reasons but also would be very at home in our conversations. He's 10 years down the track and only now really back on the dating scene after a divorce.

As he says he now just takes every day as it comes.

I can see what you mean about Xmas being a tough time..On the relationship front I have to say I know very few people who are actually happy coupled up so in a way I don't feel I'm missing out,

Another person could easily derail me as unless they had zero problems and no needs I could not cope plus I have nothing to give so it would be pretty lop sided.

As they say..when you go looking you don't find but in the meantime we have a lot to be thankful for given where we were last year right? ..I was in such a bad place and living in the cold piggery alongside Steptoe and wife..a bit too country rustic when up the road a family of 4 were having Xmas in my lovely home..

This year at least I have my own home back.

Keep connected Castle

R and D XX

Thanks Rachael

Another week out of the way and am now off for ten days and I can't start to say how much I need them, with work and the stress it brings I need to recharge the batteries, this week I let myself down very badly and in the aftermath reflecting now it really scared me

As a business we are struggling its been an awful year overall a lot of the damage been done by the bank part losing 50 million so decisions had to be made throughout the business which I do understand as working in the food retail side its full on as it is, when I 1st went to my current store we were running on a total of 930 hours opening less hours than we do now currently we get an average of 640 every possible hour as been stripped from the system to a point now making the job unrealistic to do so now not all tasks are getting done unless more hours are worked an myself I find now as a manager I don't actually manage all my time now is basically filling shelves on a till and just trying to keep standards good for the customers, tie work in with my home life which is jess and rest I'm shattered

On Tuesday just did a conference call listening to been told what we need to achieve with no exception there's no negotiating on this decisions made from the top cascaded down through the levels purely business not store specific, after a deliverm had turned up some of the staff got it in, all our cardboard plastic food waste all goes back , I checked that everything had gone back only to find the driver was refusing to take it back I looked on his vehicle to see it was 3 starters empty so I asked him again why he wouldn't take them he still refused well I just saw red and lost the plot got involved in a huge bust up with him with myself using foul language towards him in the end I just had to walk away, for me it was just pure laziness on his side there's me busting a gut every day and hes not, he went reported me for my part in it all

Yesterday one of my staff said to me I know ur stressed we all can see that but do u know how it makes us feel we can't approach u at the moment, this really hit home to me letting stress get the better of me, this is very out of character for me, in truth I feel awful for my behaviour

So the ten days I need badly I need to find out whether its me or the job

Hi castle,

I really hope your well needed break will serve it's porpose and you recharge your batteries.

I don't think it's you. The hours you do and keeping routine as busy as it is, can push us all in a corner. Busy period starting. That don't help. Early nights - feel more tired generally. That's my point of view, i just try to say, December must be very tough month for many of us, and it don't seem enaugh hours in a day to do it all.

Not sure if it makes sense, priority are you, and spend as much time as possible with yourself and little Jess.i know it's hard not to think how things going back at work, but just try to forget it at least for a few days..relax and enjoy your well earned time off.

Thoughts with you..please rest up

Sandra x

Thanks Sandra

Well had a few days off work and had no contact at all not quite feeling the benefits from it yet, been to the doctors this morning for a few things mainly to av a chat bout the stress esp the incident at work last week, I think in truth I just need to kick myself up the backside and motivate myself a bit more, not been to the gym in weeks so need to get back on track with that as that will release some of the stress

Off rest of the week and plan is just to chill and catch up on sleep no doubt as out of my routine there will be plenty of urges so back to a day at a time and making that right decision each day

Castle

Fella great to see you about the forum, as always gifting the experiences from your own recovery to help the quest of others.

Regarding your issues at work my friend, I emphasise completely, I have spent twenty plus years working in the hospitality trade, and fully understand your frustrations of not only the work load, but the folk above squeezing your margins, with little or no regard for you, your staff or the outcome, for them it is always about the bottom line.

That being said my friend, you have on many occasions put others wellbeing ahead of yours and for it I know you are a top bloke.

like recovery from this addiction, don't be too hard on yourself , incidents happen, we all have valves, sometimes they blow!!

I love your attitude, re focus, have a health check and bottom line is you are running at it.

For that be very proud, I believe this journey has taught us a great deal, to which you fully earn my utmost respect.

Take a step back this week, your work is a means to live, not the other way round.

This week you are OFF

I hope the folk respect that.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hey castle ..I just caught your work post there and seem to have not seen it until now which is weird as I always read your posts even if I don't always reply..

All I can say is yes , yes , yes ..nodding and knowing your pressure except for me it's the same stuff but managing less people ..

Targets ..running on minimal staff to keep budgets tight etc..couple that with a lazy a**e team member and you end up doing 2 jobs.

I also am pulled off the job all the time and have to snatch my lunch break to catch up with emails or just reading stuff that interests me that comes down the line work related,

I literally run to the loo and back in seconds ..I run into work, gulp my lunch down and even now am writing and eating and clock watching.

Also I know my stress has a knock on effect on staff because part of my job is to motivate others yet I am so tired myself running around...I tend to let rip on here but in my job I just go quiet and insular and become machine like ..no able to cope with any more new info coming in..

To be honest all is level at the moment but I know it's just the calm before the storm again..

Have a good reflect on here or where you feel most comfortable in the next 10 days .fact is , if you need help you need help with additional staff . I know it's like between a rock and a hard place..guilt of asking for help coupled no doubt with at branch XYZ they do it on less than you and don't complain..blah di blah

Doesn't help you have someone off "ill" as I guess the headworker is still on long term sick ..?

Also understand if you surf around the net looking for other work and then think ..am I better with the devil I know? ...especially as like me it's taken so much effort to just get stable again and a routine,

Not sure if your recent management training was in house or outside company but wondering if you could approach them for a bit of advice ? Rather than go through managerial channels internally?

Rest up Mr C ...you have come a long way and so so much further than you think...HALT ..hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? ...tired is a big one and you have put serious hours in your job over the last few months ..it's bound to catch up with you at some point plus it's crazy time of year for you right now as it is for us so I understand how you feel being on the frontline .

R and D xx

Thanks Julie Rachael

Rachael as always thanks for the solid advice, think it helped goin to the doctors just a realisation saying it out loud helped, managed to motivate myself to get to the gym for the last few days and that has really helped, also when at docs booked back in for counselling just surely based on its someone neutral to pour everything out to

Work phoned yesterday with a major problem something I av been monitoring for ages, money been goin missing from safe not a lot but that doesn't matter over the last few months been tracking it and narrowing it down to possibilities b4 I was off I pretty much knew who it was and this week at work its happened again, now the tricky bit is to nail them, we av a support system for things like this so will be phoning them today for advice, I av an opportunity to sort this quickly but it means goin into work tonight and tomorrow to check the safe and hopefully inbetween some more money will av gone with the suspect the only one to av been in it, a lot of pressure with this as I av one chance to get this right I need to cover every possibility as unless I can get them to admit it which I think I can but u never know as when people jobs are on the line they react differently to how u expect, I can only do the investigation and not do the disciplinary so need it to be clear cut, its the hardest part of my job but it needs doing

Hard to say at the moment whether I av benefited from my time off work I guess I will find that out on my return, iv rested well and slept more so that's got to help, all week though I av had a shooting pain down the back of my neck nothing will take it away I guess its just the stress hopefully in time it will fade

My mood as been up and down my guess is that been off work I av time to think bout stuff more but it needs dealing with I know gambling would be the answer to take the pain away but I ain't goin there know the consequences would be far worst

Today is another day and I will see what that brings with xmas coming up its goin to be tough I av to be thankful I av jess te see me through it as otherwise I don't know how I would cope and all to think for one day of the year. !

Went back into work Friday night and back in Sat afternoon but unfortunately no money missing so goin to av to be very patient on this one and keep monitoring and checking I av no doubt they will slip up again sometime

What I did find with myself though is from Thursday my mind was back on work which from a stress point of view not great but it did stop me thinking bout anything else and made my mood a lot better

Managed the gym 3 times so a good start I somehow need to fit it in to my routine and stick with it I know I need to gas it will help on many levels

Last day of work then back in and I feel ready for it now still av the pain running down my neck but hopefully it will wear of

f in time

Been a tough week with the urges esp yesterday but saw them off should be too busy now up to xmas which is good as now entering the toughest time of the year for me

Yo,

Just wanted to send you a little message of support from the side lines .

Crazy really we both have worked tirelessly to change things in our lives to help keep our addictions at bay .

Expecting I recon that once done everything would be sweet in our garden so to speak .

But sadly it don't work that way , we still battle , with stress , still battle to live gambling free day by day .

You my friend write with such honesty , keeping doing your best mate , that's all we can do . But remember to be kind to you , and not beat yourself up for being stressed or demotivated it's just life , when we gambled we never let those feelings truely out . Because we used gambling either to suppress them , escape from them , or to become the thing we thought obsessed about , pushing else down .

You have come so far , been through some pretty tough times , so today mate take a minute to take stock , of the last eighteen months , and see that you have the strength and determination to get through what ever life throws at you next .

Shiny xxxxxxx

Thanks shiny and as always very wise words

Yesterday was the hardest day in my working life with the situation at work it was getting unbearable I had to do something so I made the decision to investigate with what evidence I had I the only way I was goin to win on this one was by getting them to admit they had done it, at 1st they denied it but gradually after questioning they broke down and admitted it. After everything came out it was all due to not telling their partner the financial difficulties they were in and taking money for bus fares home or a sandwich for lunch, they had been there 11 years from leaving school and everyone had seen them grow from a kid into an adult the very sad side of it was they were very well liked by everyone so it was very difficult , a mistake was made on their part which in life I guess we all make but this one just cost them there job and with xmas coming up 2 young kids to feed it was a very costly mistake

For me I took no pleasure and it was the hardest thing I av ever had to do at work, the decision was easy but the circumstances were heartbreaking and its something I won't av to do for a long time

I feel some relief of the stress it has caused so that has got to be the positive out of all this sorry mess today is another day and hopefully a better one

Hi castle,

Really not the best situation to deal with but you've done it my friend. Sometimes even most trusted employees can let you down. If they get the trust, they can start messing about with it.

It is a shame that people don't appreciate their job and coming in wages.security of the place should be most important in this day and age....

Stick has two ends Castle, something i have learned from the early childhood.

You did right thing and i hope some more peaceful and calmer time will follow.

Take care

Sandra x