reborn on the 4th July

Castle

fella it's great to read life is treating you well my friend and that this wonderful forum is still serving you well.

Keep making the right choice for you.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Thanks Duncan

Life is strange my last post expressed my biggest fears which this week turned to reality, my routine was broken has had a four days of work and in truth didn't plan them very well probably a little complacency, boredom another trigger played a part but main trigger this time I feel was its the fact that I know there's a possibility that by gambling money can be won

I got paid last Thursday and had this month it worked out I had no rent to pay a massive saving of 525 quid this happens once a year as I get paid every 4 weeks not monthly it was at this point last year the same happened but that time the financial impact was much worse, with all this in mind I didn't want the same to happen again so on Monday I booked our holiday for me and jess a nice two weeks in Corfu the cost was just under 900I hummed and ahhed bout how much to pay off it would have been nice to pay the lot off but couldn't do it so paid the bulk off leaving just over 200 left to pay which I could just pay off over my next two pays which all sounded well and good as before I mentioned bout wanting to save a grand in a 3 month period I came up short with taking jess to Scarborough and treating my mom and dad for their wedding anniversary I know it shouldn't but it felt like a bit of a failure and played on my mind, in the end I left myself enough to get through till pay day with a little extra to cover for emergencies those emergencies are now gone and left me really tight for the next 3 weeks

Financially it wasn't a massive impact but yes it hurts and could have done without it but I know it could have been a lot worse the lot could have gone, on Monday I gave in to my urges which were no different in truth to any other holiday times like always a controlled bet with no win but that was it the switch had flicked and I knew it I couldn't stop a football bet Tuesday and Wed night again no win and of course the chase began I worked Thursday and found myself finishing with an hour to kill before getting jess and that's where all the control was lost and the madness began

For me what scares me is not so much the money but the way this disease grabs me once that 1st bet was placed I changed completely my whole thought process was gambling nothing else and I just couldn't stop the only way it would stop was when the damage was done in some respects I'm glad I didn't win as it would just have prolonged my pain the lies and deceit would have set in and have no doubt the financiag impact would have been far greater

As I have always said I accept who I am and what I am capable of that will never change its always how I deal with it when it happens honesty is always the best policy again as always the only person I'm lying to is myself yes its painful and very hard to have to admit., I also accept that the reality is it will happen again sometime in the future this will wear off the mind games will begin that's not to say I won't try my very best the one thing I won't do is live in fear of relapse I have the knowledge and the tools to deal with it as and when

This week I made some wrong choices and will have to live with that today is a new day and a new choice can be made and that as always is up to me to make it

I wish everyone well on their journeys as we all know its hard at times and unless you are a compulsive gambler I don't see how you could ever understand what drives us to do the things we do

For me now I feel ok what's done is done the pressure has been released and I'm sure that will make sense to others, I may post more I may not what I do know I'm thankful for this site and the good people on it without I dread the thought of where I would be right now

e

Hi castle,

"Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.” -Mahatma Gandhi

No matter what you’re going to make mistakes; it’s an unavoidable truth. But the good news is, if you follow your heart and intuition, the mistakes you make will be steps in the right direction. Just because you fail once at something doesn’t mean you’re going to fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on and believe in yourself. Keep your head held high, your chin up, and above all, SMILE, because the most beautiful part of it all is that there’s so much left to smile about.

Life is what you make it. It’s a wild rollercoaster. Just when you think it can’t get any worse, it does. And then just when you think it can’t get any better, it does. Every day is a beautiful mystery. Let go of yesterday’s mistakes and enjoy the mystery as it unfolds today.

Stay safe, sound and be kind to yourself

Sandra x

castle

Fella sorry to read the destructive form of your gambling life returned, good to read you saw it as lancing a boil so to speak.

Another lesson learnt on the recovery road

Take good care of yourself fella.

You know the door indeed revolves, keep tailoring your own bespoke journey to benefit yourself.

The one person who counts.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Castle

Sorry to hear about your lapse. Lapse it is and not a relapse. A step back, a one off. That is what a lapse is. The good thing about a lapse is that it enables you to get straight back on track. That is the important part. It seems like this is what you have done - got yourself right back to where you were. As Sandra said, those days have gone. Today is the important one, not yesterday or tomorrow. As I try to do now - live in the present moment. Enjoy today Castle and worry no more about the past or the future. You will be fine.

Take care and continue right back on track, what you have been doing. You were doing great.

Feb.

Thanks guys

Unfortunately I hadn't recovered from my small relapse and suffered another small one , again not a massive financial blow but enough to make things a little bit tough this month , I received my bonus which was great and had the sense to pay off my holiday bought a 1000 euros for my holiday in July sorted my car out with repairs ,service and taxed it for a year bought jess a new bike and some clothes , this pretty much left me with a normal months pay

I look at the reasons why this time for one I know Easter is not a great time for me with a lot of family stuff going on that I now don't take part in its the same at Xmas with been on my own a lot through these periods doesn't help , work yes is stressful but that's never going to change all these could be reasons but there not an excuse to gamble

So it's time to go back to basics one day at a time , spend more time on this site supporting others and build that strength back up which is the what hurts the most how quickly this illness takes over , the financial side obviously does hurt but that can be put right the mental side is what takes longer to recover from , I've also booked back with counselling again which I'm hoping will help

I feel ok I know it could be a lot worst i had a good chat with a gamcare advisor and they stressed keep looking at the positives , where I was two and a half years ago to where I am now is amazing its always going to be a battle for the rest of my life there is no cure it can't be beaten only controlled and that's where lies my danger after a time I think I can control it and I know as sit here determined as I am in time that will return that feeling of I'm ok now I can try and have o e bet and it won't hurt the truth is it always will

26 years of my adult life I have gambled and pretty much knew no other life the last two and half years I'm tying to rebuild another life and its hard progress has been made and mistakes have been made but keep trying I will

I will catch up with everyone soon but don't want to pressure myself too much as that has been my downfall in the past

As always I am eternally grateful for this site as it has saved me on many occasions from going back to the depths and despairs of gambling

Today I will forgive myself and be kind and that should go for everyone who keeps trying its when we don't we deserve what we get

Castle

sorry to read about your return to some gambling, only read just now, I missed your update from end of March . As you know I dont subscribe to this back to Day 1 stuff - you have made some fantastic strides in your recovery and this is just a blip.

I know you will do what is required to get back on track. Your head is in the right place and you have my support and good wishes.

You have paid for a holiday and spent money on other stuff - in times gone by I'm guessing that wouldnt have happened and all the money would have been gambled. You have come a long way, dont be too hard on yourself.

Castle

fella I am glad gamcare is helping.

The choice's ours to make in how we recover, I agree with that.

I hope your's is without any more destruction

Regards Duncs

Castle2,

Kick a demon today and keep the gambling away.

Hope all is well with you mate. I know you will be OK I have faith in all those who try and make the effort.

Love peace

Hi castle,

Keep it going mate and never underestimate the dark side.

Stay strong and keep going the road of recovery.

Wolfgang

Hey Castle. I remember how we inspired each other back in Feb 2012. Has it really been that long? A lot can happen in 2 years. A relapse is a full blown return to the addiction cycle. What we have sometimes are just lapses. Little reminders of why we chose to take control and abstain. Two paths. The right one and the wrong one. Another challenge faced, another reason to believe. Wow look how strong we are! This is recovery. Abstinence leads the road to it. Stay strong, well done my friend.

Hi Castle,

Very pleased to see you posting and fighting on. As always, thank you for your support 🙂

You will always inspire so many of us, recent blip just shows how strong and committed to your recovery you are. Never give up the fight, we are in this together, we all unite and will be by your side all the way kicking this disgusting habit out of our lives. We can only learn from the mistakes, something what you show to all of us now. Keep making the right choice my friend, it will get better anf life will be so much easier to navigate.

take care and speak soon

Sandra x

Hi Castle,

Sorry to hear about your slip, I know what you mean about holidays, several times during previous periods of recovery, extended holidays have been my downfall.

Even the strongest fortress will have its weak point though, and gambling keeps pushing and probing. I know myself it knows my vulnerable underbelly better than anyone. As the gamcare advisor mentioned, you are so far ahead of where you were a few years ago, and the important thing is to stay positive and keep building for the future.

All the best mate, that wasn't the end of the journey, just a minor detour.

Ryan

Hi Castle, sorry to hear you have had a tough time recently, I see Tomso has too and myself well I've really gone and got myself in a mess. The main thing is you are both still here fighting this and I've come back so none of us want to throw the towel in, even though I have over the last 3 months. Looking forward to supporting you again where I can mate.

Andy

Thanks everyone

Feel really good what's pleasing the most is my head is clearer and for me that's the most important to be able to concentrate on other important things to be able to sleep better at night

Worked all weekend and Saturday was a bad day with everything that could go wrong did , I stayed calm and worked my way through it and in a way I surprised myself , going forward with work its only going to get harder much harder but I know it as too before it can get better this is really going to sort the strong out from the week , as a business we are in such a financial mess some real bad decisions have left us in an unwanted place , at this moment in time I'm just thankful to have my job

Jess Is really growing up now she has just had her ears pierced and is now into all the hair make up and nail varnish I now know the layout of Claire's accessories shop like the back of my hand , at ten I feel I have another 2 to 3 years of real closeness before she doesn't need me as much or will want to spend more time with her friends , for now though she still proves to be my inspiration and drive for that better life

Thankfully I'm off today and a much needed rest is required no plans to waste any of my time with gambling