reborn on the 4th July

Thanks guys for ur support it is always appreciated

Off today so no stress , off to daughters school assembly which she likes me to go through I always try and go to it , I know it's important to her just as much as it is for me

Then off to the solicitors to start divorce proceedings hopefully this should be quite painless and straight forward nevertheless it needs to be done

Really love the programme touch on sky , I think it's cos it's all bout the decisions people make in their life and what fate it brings to their lives which is very much how I see life now.

Today I av no desire to gamble and my decision today is I will choose not to

!

Everything was straight forward at solicitors just a a couple of minor details to sort out with ex but now it's done I av to admit I feel a little bitter I am just walking away with nothin and everything else moving forward is all beneficial to her I really feel that I av been done over but nothin I can do I just want my daughter to come out of this without it effecting her , this will make my life so tough for the next 6 months I really don't know how I'm gonna manage , I can't let this affect me today is today and I am fine and that's all I can do I will stay positive and deal with the problems when they come

For me now life is about surviving financially I can honestly say gambling is at the back of my mind I don't see how I can even if I wanted to I av no access to money other than what I live on month to month after pay day . I know life will get better so I will stay strong even though I feel low today , see what tomorrow brings

Hi Castle, well done for staying strong 🙂 I hope u enjoyed your daughters assembly :). It really touched me what you said about not wanting your daughter affected by anything, they mean everything don't they. You should be really proud of yourself. Stay strong and keep going 🙂

You can't beat the moments with the young Uns! Like you I try to attend the assembly's seated at the back watching my son wave brings a tear to my eye! Im determined not to let him down again! My sons 8 now and i plan to have a lad and dad break in June having some bonding together! Money wise you can build things back up slowly! Money doesn't bring you happiness! I get given money when I need a couple I'd quid when my ten pound runs out! That's how I like it! Like in my diary its a great feeling when like today I hand cash back from what I haven't spent during the month! We can do this! Stay strong chuck!

Hi ya,

Hope you are feeling a bit better today.

Six months seems so long , but in reality it passes in the blink of an eye. I know that you find it hard to accept praise and I know that you do things because it is the right thing to do.

But there are lots of people going through a divorce who talk about putting their children first. But in the end emotions take over and the children either become pawns in a game of one up man ship , or are witnesses to the sniping and sarcasm that two people can throw at each other.

Your love for fairy princess , and your determination to protect her from this as much as you can, is very evident from your posts. I can only commend you, I hope that the finical burdens pass quickly, you are an example to those people who talk the talk when it comes to divorce but do not walk the walk.

Today once again , I am sending you the biggest fairy hug, because there are few good guys in this world but in my eyes you are defo one of them

Dusty xxxxxxx

Hi Castle,

Just wanted to say i know how hard this time is , i'am lucky my son has left home so only got me and the ex to sort but you show real love for your daughter in that you try your hardest to keep her happy.

Be proud of yourself, others without the addiction would not be so gracious.

Keep going , keep aiming for that person you want to be

Lucy

Like Dusty Fairy said, 6 months will go quickly. I sincerely hope so too as Christmas cannot come quickly enough for me!

Interesting to hear that you enjoyed Touch. I have saved the entire series on my box and am looking forward to watching those.

NT

Hi Castle to some extent I know what you're going through. I too am 42, 43 this year, separated from my child's mother and going through dealings with the courts and solicitors. It's enough to drive you crazy and emotionally crippling at times too. I used to get really down over it all but I've learned to deal with it much better now. With all this going on it'll be difficult to remain strong and gamble free, yet you must for your own sake. Being a Dad often involves putting on a face to prevent your kid from seeing just what you're feeling. Sometimes it's tough to do. Keep going and keep positive, Steve

Thank you for your kind words.

Hope you and fairy princess enjoy the voice , I'm saving it to watch both the weekends programme together. With a big bar of dairy milk . Though rumour has it that they have changed their clothes this week, not before time.

Big hugs to you both and by the way Jazz gets my vote, all the way.

Smiling fairy. Xxxxxx

Feel so tired today just don't feel 100% haven't for a few days , think to be honest the last week has been a tough one mentally and it's took its toll a bit , works been good worked all weekend yesterday went ok with my female friend she's trying to wear me down but am staying strong but it's harder fighting not to give into her than it is to give into gambling

But fighting I am my life reminds me of a film I watched which was rocky 4 yes a bit cheesy but in the final fight rocky just took everything the Russian had round after round battered and beaten but he found the strength to hit him and once if knew he cud hurt him the belief grew in him and obviously went on to win , I feel I am at the stage where I am taking the battering and know there's more to come but I am not beaten life can knock me down but I will get up and keep gettin up I av a strong desire to get to that final round and win my fight , iv already got a few blows in and they give me strength for when the next blow comes

I will win my battle with gambling when I win my battle in life , and I will win it doesn't matter if I had a bad day or week or even when it's good , all I know there is so much fight in me and that is here to stay

Castle,

I notice you post support on the diaries of so many if they are anything like me it is always so great to receive support.

For yourself, all i would ever say is read your post from today every time you are having a bad day or feel its getting tough just read it. They are powerful words and very true. We take so many knocks but it's our ability to take them and how we fight back that we ultimately define us.

Your journey like many is tough but so far you are the one winning and I for one want you to keep winning and keep getting back up to fight.

Flagg

Hi Castle, sorry to read that u r not feeling 100% at the moment. It is good to read that u r still determined to fight tho and I think that shows your true determination. You offer others so much support on here and I truly hope u r feeling better soon. Stay strong and keep going 🙂

Evening,

This dam addiction, sometimes it feels like you are trying to push 200 times your body weight up the steepest hill , known to man.

But you my friend just keep pushing upwards, even when more weight is added, you continue upwards, time and time again. All this effort is sooooo draining , both physically and mentally.

I hope you managed to get a rest tonight, and get a bit of a reprieve from it all over the next week. If not we are here, to read and support. Sometimes it must feel that you are battling all this on your own , but alot of us are wiling you on, and you are in our thoughts daily.

The day will come, eventually when you can leave the ring , hang up your gloves , turn off the light.

And start a new chapter in your life.

Hugs

Dusty

Feel a lot better today had a really good day at work , I am now at the same stage as last time when I relapsed , the difference in how I feel now and how I felt then is so a mile apart , the relapse I never saw it comin it was just one massive urge and I don't know what hit me and just started to gamble again I remember starting off small and keeping track of what I lost and won , in the 1st week I lost every day and by the end I was just chasing my losses took me another 3 weeks b4 I knew I had to try again , this time it has been so hard up and down with urges for the 1st 8 weeks then other problems took over my life and gambling is the least of my worries I really don't think I will gamble again and that's not been complacent , when I av sorted all my ongoing problems out and life is more straight forward that is when I know I av to be careful of complacency

The strength I av now which is all down to fighting urges ,fighting life , trying to help others and taking inspiration from others on this site who in return av helped me so much with their support , I compare this to the 1st 3 months where I had none of this in place makes it easy to see why I relapsed

Moving forward I will still take each day at a time and what ever life throws at me good or bad I will take it in my stride , life is for living and I will try to enjoy each day that comes for now that's all I can do

So today I haven't gambled and the rest of my day I will enjoy

I have just read most of your diary. I am not in a position to give advice yet, as I think I have to work more on myself at the moment. I just had to say that I admire your courage and honesty through all your difficulties.

Stay strong and determined.