reborn on the 4th July

Still not right as much as I am trying to shake myself , I know it's all in my head and need to sort it out

On Monday I read and posted for nearly 3 hours and felt great and thought I was back on track then the last few days starting to slip back , this just leaves me with no motivation out of work as that is fine keeps me busy and the time flies , think probably just too much time to think

So managed to book an appointment with the counsellor I used before to confront my gambling problems which helped enormously

I need to talk my problem through and work out how to deal with it at the moment it just eats away at me , I think the positive thing this time is that the vicious circle has been broke , I also know everything is goin to come to ahead which could get messy but hopefully not

So I can motivate myself for work also for exercising and dieting I don't feel really down but the reality is I can't motivate myself to come on here and read and post and that's also something to work out why

So many thoughts goin through my head but none for gambling the only time I think bout gambling is when I read and post , yet I know this is a catch 22 as I know I need to remind myself that I am a compulsive gambler and reading and posting is a constant reminder so the complacency never goes but yet I am reminding myself of the life I had and want to get away from also putting myself on a pedestal believing I am beating gambling and thinkin if I can do this why can't I beat other problems in life

Everyday I av posted on my diary for the last 4 months or so and maybe just need a few days to take stock of my life and try and make some sense of all this

Tomorrow is another day and maybe I will feel different but today is today and the motivation is not there so I apologise to those who I owe posts to which I know is not the be all and end all but I take great pride in knowing I always reply to everyone who posts on my diary like many do on here but not all , for most of us we post on others to benefit ourselves and hoping to help and support in the meantime

So if I don't post I assure u it won't be due to gambling

For today a very confused castle

Hi Castle'

I think I get what you are saying, especially the catch 22 bit... the only time I think about it is on here.. but there are benefits here too. Working out whether you can make progress without this... that's a difficult one to answer... and as we are all different...etc. I feel I need to wean myself off it a bit... but that has got to coincide with me getting a life... a different one to the one that lead me to and kept me gambling.

I also agree with the not working part.. at work I feel like I am more me than at home.. when I get bored very easily.. but it's early days still.. It took years of my life developing a gambling habit... maybe 7 weeks, in my case, is not enough to change my world... but just begin to change it.. in the right direction.

I hope you can see yourself through this low point, and I am sure things will become clearer in time.

Hope I didn't go on too much there...

Jon

You need a break honey take it.

Good idea seeing your councillor specialy if you had built a bond with them

I for one do not mind if you do not reply I just want what's best for you. Sometimes I think we are like those jumbled up cables behind the tv and just need to stop untagle each one to see what fits where, once we do that although the tv doesn't work any better lol,

we are more at peace with ourselves.

Look after yourself !

Dusty

Hi Castle,

I'm not the best person 2 be offering advice rite now but I just want to say that i'm sorry 2 read that things have been tough 4 u lately and I understand ur post. I truly hope things get better 4 u soon 🙂

U have given me so much support Castle and u support others and we all appreciate it. But u have 2 do wot is rite 4 u and if u need 2 take a break then take it .

But just remember we r all here if u need us 🙂

Take care 🙂

Talking your problems through is a good idea castle, your diary is about you and your recovery albeit from the same thing gambling it is unique to you. Take the time out so that you can make the right choice to do what is best for your continued recovery.

I wish you peace and strength in what ever process that may be.

Blondie day 46

Hi Castle

I hope you find what you need too for you to get back the great Castle we all know!

It feels strange without you around but also know you are the only one that can figure out what is best for you 😉

I'll still be here if you ever need to chat, rant, scream, or just talk about healthness and diet tips lol, i have none btw , i smoke too much, drink occasionally too much and don't eat properly but hey i am still bet free so not so bad!

So Castle i do hope you find what you need too

Smiling Lucy

Hi Castle

Just want to echo what everyone else has said... you have to do what is right for you.

Just to say, I know exactly how you are feeling having been through the same sort of stuff myself over the last few weeks. It will get better... this is one long journey with many twists and turns, but as long as we remain gamble free, then we can tackle anything.. eventually!

Missing your dry wit around here..

Take care Castle!

Lmm

I can totally relate to your feelings. Coming on here can remind ourselves of this evil world which we call gambling and taking extended leave can make us relapse.

I know, I have done it before. What does help me is to read the 'New members intro forum' from time to time just to remind me what gambling WILL do to us should we ever go back.

I am actually thinking of taking a bit of time off from these diaries soon but it won't be for longer than a week. It will certainly help my diary title to reduce the number of days by more than one!

Stay very strong and stay very positive. You ARE doing so well, just think where you were when you first started on here and where you are now.

NT

Castle,

Just to let you know I am thinking about you and hoping that life is being good to you today.

Tomso.

Good Evening to you good sir,

You are not alone!! Remember that! The beauty of this site is we all came here for the same reason! Once we began to tackle the reason we were here mayb then things changed slightly but our initial draw to this site was the same! So then, what happens? we break the habit, Castle the CG remains but Castle the habitual gambler Is gone provided he keeps whatever has made him stop in place!

Next step, this is where we become different what gambling did to us and those around us may differ slightly but fortunately, we are actually still not as different as we fear! I read your posts and think that guy is me! Do you know why you can't recover, exercise, diet, post, read, work, be a dad all at once? Because its too bloody hard!! You have given up a destructive way of life, one that harmed you and prob others around you, I'm guessing it was a life of

Lies, deceit, no money, no real time, and limited interaction! However, you won't read this everyday that life was easy!! Why? Because only one person mattered and that was you! Read your first post, you led that life for a long time! What you are trying to do and believe me I'm doing this too with the same degree of difficulty is live a life which is far harder, and we are both trying to make that much harder life perfect in 2 minutes! Things matter to you again, people matter to you again, and you are trying to do all the things that matter, you at trying to please all

Those that matter and you are trying to do it double fast, making up for lost time! Problem, that is tiring! That is exhausting!

It's like therapy for myself too writing this but honestly we do need to take a step back and think about doing things one at a time! We do the not gambling one day at a time so why not apply the same or similar logic to everything else! I want to be healthy, I want to be fit again, I want to be motivated, I want to support but honestly trying to deal with every one of those right now is bringing me down big time! Maybe our boats are similar!

What we are achieving is huge, and we will

Continue to progress and achieve more and more things providing we are committed and just as importantly patient with ourselves! 100mph I'm

Quickly finding is not the approach we need to take! Will you exercise this week? Maybe not! Will you post this week? Maybe not but, you might begin your healthy journey this week and that would be an achievement!

I look forward to you posting again buddy but it doesn't need to be tomorrow! One step at a time!

Always here to try and offer a different perspective and hopefully help a little!

Flagg

Just wanted to send you a big fat soggy hug.

Hope you are ok, hope FP is making you smile.

Hope your holiday will be abroad as I do not fancy your chances. In this country.

Other than that, just wanted you to know I was thinking about ya.

Dusty xxxxx

Hope alls wel wit u castle.

Castle read your 1st post mate.

Just hope your taking a break frm your diary for the rite reasons and not setting yourself up 4 a fall.

You have supported so many on this forum and really hope your ok.

Hope your ok and im just worrying 4 nothing

Hi Castle, I too want to just say that I hope you're ok and that life is being kind to you. Everyone on here is rooting for you because you helped us all so much when we were at our lowest. You'd always be the first to welcome new posters with sound advice, hope and encouragement. You were with me and I want to thank you for that. You're not alone, keep strong, Steve.

Well where do I start , firstly by thanking everyone for there support and kind messages

The 1st thing I obviously need to say is that I av not gambled wanted to gamble or av any thoughts whatsoever for gambling this last week

This site has never left my mind I think mainly as I didn't want to forget who and what I am but I desperately needed a break my mind was overloaded and couldn't think straight

Lookin back now I definitely was trying too hard in life to put all the things right that I had missed out on in 26 years and all in the space of 4 and half months ! I was very hard on myself and wanted to redeem myself this site gave me the opportunity to do this , posting every day on my diary and spending hours supporting others and to be fair it helped me enormously esp when the times were so hard as time went by yes it got easier and could see what gambling had done to me and how much life better had got , as time went by I was having to push myself to read , post and support some days I found the motivation and other days it was just goin through the motions which wasn't helping anybody esp myself

I would say I probably burnt myself out goin at a relentless pace for 4 and half months talkin bout gambling living in fear of relapsing thinkin if I didn't post it would happen

So this week I av tried to forget what I am and that's been a challenge in itself like I said I av thought bout this site every day and the people who av helped me so much but I needed a test all the football that's been on but hand on heart I av really enjoyed watching it which is something I thought would never happen , with all this not one thought for gambling , I honestly do not think I will gamble again

Have I beat this ? No and I never will the fear will always be there and in a way I never want that to go I need to remember that gambling demon lies within me

For this site and the people who av helped me so much I cannot thank enough , I honestly still don't know what is best for me and when I do I will post again , I owe everyone so much and will be indebted to people for life but I av to do what is right for me and for now I still need to rest my mind

I will not gamble that is for sure , the one thing I do promise if I get one urge I will be straight back here

I hope everyone is ok and doin well in their recoveries a post will be comin ur way soon

Castle,

Great to hear from you. As always, I can relate to so much of what you say. Like you, I don't think I will ever gamble again and like you I owe so much to this site but I am also going through the motions regarding the time I spend on the forum. I only post a few times per week and I'm not nearly as active on other diaries as I once was. At the beginning, I was active on many diaries but as time has went by and some users left the forum I have never really got involved with anyone new. I really don't know the reason for this. I still come on here several times each day but I just don't know what to write anymore. Sometimes this worries me that this might be the first step in allowing complaceny to creep back into my life.

Nice to hear from you and I wish you well in the future.

Tomso.