reborn on the 4th July

A tough long day at work but not complaining as it's kept me busy , starting to feel much better add feeling stronger ,, lookin back in a way it was good to av that proper blow out Monday if I hadn't I would still be thinkin I could control it by only losing a tenner , completely losing all control is now installed in my brain as this would av not been the case otherwise , from a financial point of view I'm hurting but av accepted my loss there will be no thoughts of chasing

No communication with friend for a day now she's off work this week and I'm off next week something I need to plan , I av been giving this problem a lot of thought I fully realise she is no good for me in my recovery from gambling her circumstances are always goin to put a strain on us which has just proven to be part of my recent downfall , the pattern has always been we fall out for the same reason go bout 2 to 3 weeks not seeing each other part from work twice a week then slowly make friends once friends the feelings are too strong and the vicious circle begins so my options are to try and cut her out of my life altogether which is the best esp for my recovery that will be difficult whilst still working together and will cause a bad atmosphere , I am pushing for a transfer but that won't happen till January or try and just be friends which history shows it doesn't work , the hardest part is I know she is hurting and she doesn't want it to end but won't give me what I want mainly due to not been in a great financial position and also admitting to having a gambling problem I suppose why should she take the risk esp from a financial view , also like many people she doesn't understand me and why I gamble , so for now it's a problem esp till January hopefully then I can get transferred and then cut her out of my life

Xmas is really no my mind esp xmas day I av a real dilemma the last 2 iv spent with ex and daughter but this year the divorce will av come through and av agreed not to spend it together , we are discussing this weekend what plans are for my daughter with us has had a guess I will see her in mornin and she will av her for rest of day so after that my only real two choices are spending the rest of xmas day with my parents so it would just be the 3 of us or been on my own for the rest of the day both prospects are daunting

Both problems need dealing with and decisions need to be made to allow me to continue onwards in my recovery so plenty to think bout

Just started with cold for my sins ! So off to bed early as up at 5 for work

I can't thank everyone enough for ur support its helped so much to know that people care and understand my addiction

Hey mate. Good to see your name spattered across the forum. The support you're getting back is a reflection of your generosity.

Christmas is a helluva time. It's for the kids and I hope you and your ex can work something out. Maybe you could even treat yourself to a short break as you;ll have saved yourself a fortune by not gambling 😉 I've spent a ridiculous amount in a weekend but hate myself for not spending a fraction of that wasted money on a break for my wife. Gambling is just so f****d up huh!

Thanks for your words of encouragement at the moment. They helped today.

Let me know if you wanna chat about anything dude. Stay strong

J

Castle,

I am trully sorry that I have not been on your diary in the past week to offer my support during such a difficult time for you. Due to circumstances I haven't really been on the site much in the past week or so. So much has happened in the space of that week and it saddens me a great deal to see the troubles you are experiencing.

As previously mentioned by me, I know everyone has problems but in all my time posting on this forum I have yet to get close to anyone who has experienced more challenges in their life over the past year or so. It has always amazed me how strong you have been in your recovery and your dedication to your diary and that of others is flawless.

I am particularly saddened to read about the issues you face with reference to Christmas Day. I really hope that situation can be sorted out in a way that can suit all parties. I imagine you as a first class father to a loverly daughter.

Now down to business. I really hope you can see this recent slip for what it is. A man facing real difficulties in life with nowhere to go. Gambling has acted as an escape for all of us. We have all done it but now I hope you get back on the horse before things get out of hand. You have done amazingly well in the past year with only two seperate incidents of gambling and I am convinced your life will get better. I suppose the next few months will be citical for you especially leading up to Christmas. Every now and then I try to focus on all the positives I experience as a non-gambler compared to a gambler. You have been at this long enough and don't need me to list the usual stuff we see and read. I am talking about the small things such as the state of mind you experience in your daughters company after a bad loss at the bookies compared with the peace and calm you experience in her company when you haven't had a bet in several months and such like thoughs don't enter your mindset. Too often we forget the small things and focus only on money saved or not saved.

You have been a central figure in my diary since day 1 and for this support you deserved a little better from me in return. Again, I am real sorry that I haven't posted on your diary much in the past few months.

Tomso.

Glad to hear you've excepted your recent blowout and have fully moved on from it and also learnt from it.

It must be a hard situation especially working with her but youve got to do whats right for you and in the long term if its best for you itll probably mean its best for the both of you. Fingers crossed for the transfer next year and that should make things easier.

Xmas sounds like a dilema, just have to have a think of the options and go with whatever you think best. If you have any other ideas speak with the ex and hopefully can sort something out.

Thanks so much for your post did make me feel good. A bit of an uplift. And your right i should try not to worry so much. I guess im on the longest gamble free run ive ever had and im getting so much support from yourself and others that i dont want to mess it up.

Thanks again. And I hope you can get things sorted out. Wont be easy but you'll get things worked out im sure.

Hi Castle

Great to see you are feeling stronger and understanding what makes you tick

It really is a tough journey and with other issues in your life sometimes it can seem too hard to bare but you have stayed on here and are continuing to find the next step to help make your life a better place, big well done on that 😉

It is very hard when someone just does not understand but i guess that's just another hurdle we have to overcome but having this site is invaluable as we know how you feel

Thanks for your post on mine and like you said lot's of similarites with us and i'm sorry we went back a step but we are back on track and times are looking better 🙂

Xmas , yeah a big one for me too so we need to keep strong because that's the only way we can make it better

Keep Strong

Lucy

Castle.

Nothing gives me greater pleasure my dear friend than to see your name all the way down the right hand column, for me there is no better way for you to re-mount that horse. A massive well done from me, also the courage to walk into a bookies and self-exclude. You have strength fella I hope the valve you blew under emmense pressure will serve your recovery well in the future.

I also hope you get the break you so deserve regarding your personal life as I see all to well the huge effort you also give that.

Keep making the right choice for yourself.

Well done again.

( loved your comment on lucy's diary to boot.)

Duncs compulsive gambler stepping forward never back.

hi Castle...

Thank you so much for your kind words.....reading your recent post it made me think again about my relationship which as you know ended badly..

I was not the cause of my exes gambling as he was doing it long before he met me..but the cycle we got locked into sounds very similar to you and this lady you are no longer seeing with 3 weekly hurdles.

My ex and I were triggering each others "esteem issues" and then we would both retreat into our addictions.

My ex triggered "i'm not good enough or perfect or attractive enough issues"in me ( as he also had an addiction to lets say..to adult sites) and I triggered his "im not intelligent enough and rejection issues" in him.

So under stress he woud seek out flirty pub chats ,on line chat or dolly birds and gamble...and I would retreat under stress to isolation and being very vague and bookish seeking the company of intellectuals which made him feel cr**.

Im not saying you do this by the way.....just illustrating a mismatch and how it can make us worse.

I hope this makes sense Castle.....I dont stay on this site as some intellectual pastime or as some kind of ex revenge.....truly I dont ...my motive is that I am trying to understand.

I did not leave my partner out of lack of love...I left because I was broken and didnt understand and that my friend was my failing.....my ego was too hurt and I couldnt see past that.

Im a fighter,I say vile things in temper,I have physically lashed out by throwing stuff around in rage...but I could not accept for a long time that this addiction of gambling was a disease just like the others.....I thought it was deliberate and a clash of egos enshewed.

Now I know different... as you and others on this site have made me see that you are not bad people....truthfully,you are better people than I ...kinder,more caring,more genuine ..naturally and that is why I stay here because you good folk are also teaching me.

The definition of humility being : the ability to be taught.

All of us on here do this.....we all want to learn another way'.

hugs

R and D xxx

ps.....I am also 45......1967..a good year xx

Went to see counsellor yesterday and that went well managed to get in next week , spoke with friend I av tried a different approach and gave her the details for my diary and told her to read it and try to understand this side of me more so time till tell , knowing her I doubt she has the patient to read it all and will probably just read through the bits bout her , I think I am hoping a couple of things firstly she can see how hard I am tryin and it's just not something I just give into each time we argue , secondly I need her to know that our relationship has an affect on my recovery , I suppose overall to make her realise either way make or break in a way , for me I just need to get on with my life with or without her , I av gave a deadline of Jan but my feeling is that won't happen , so really why wait till then with xmas comin up I need to put myself 1st esp my recovery , for me it's just needing to know it's gone on too long if it ends I will be gutted but at least I can get on with my life

Just goin into work for a few hours in mornin then off for a week , goin to use this time to really think bout everything that has happened recently and what to do bout it

No urges with gambling just more concerns with the months ahead but for now just a day at a time

Hi Castle,

Firstly, thank you so much for your kind words my friend!

You have shown so much courage with all you have been through. I hope lady friend reads everything that you have written....She will then realise what a true gent you are..........All I can say if she doesn't....her loss....Something bigger and way better is waiting for you...you best believe it...I do!

Loved your writings about wee girlie and friends round the flat...........................Got the t shirt too and survived.

As I said before...your daughter will remember Castle. She must be soooooooooo proud having a dad like you!

Sue xxx

Hi Castle, life at times can be complicated and we feel like we're being pulled in one direction or the other, or at least that's how I feel sometimes. I can only speak from my own point of view and from my own experiences. I learned that you can't please everyone all of the time and I don't mean this unselfishly. Your main priority is towards yourself and your daughter. Your emotional well being is paramount to your recovery. You won't gamble if you are balanced emotionally I guarantee you this, if you don't gamble then you will continue to grow and move forward as a person. Of course your relationship with the woman in work is important but not in comparison to your own well being. If it works then it works if it doesn't then it doesn't. When the time is right you will find the right person. Don't look too far ahead, you've achieved so much, and only an addict can recognise this. To go on achieving all you have to do is take it one day at a time. Again, emotionally, these past few years you've been through so much upheaval, it would have broken other men. You've weathered the storm and it gets better from now on. Nearly all of your separation is finalised, it's time to concentrate on you now, no more being pulled here or there, honestly in a short while all you will feel is a sense of relief followed by a sense of freedom. You'll know what I mean when you get there. The only other thing you have to overcome in the future is moments like Christmas with your little one and your ex. It may be tough, it may not, to be part of something and then not part of something could open up old wounds. I have my daughter for the morning on Christmas then pass her back at midday. It used to hurt at first, the quietness afterwards but now I feel fine.

When we're emotional for whatever reason we'll respond by looking for comfort or distraction, booze, drugs, play station, gambling etc. the secret is though is to just accept it and work through it.

Always look after yourself, take care, keep strong and enjoy your week off.

Steve

Castle,

I agree with previous poster regarding putting yourself first. You are going through a difficult and stressful time and I hope you remember to think about you and how you feel and what you want. I hope you have had a nice day today and look forward to your days off. I would love some time away from work at the moment and although I still have a week left to take I am determined to use that week up late in November when I will really appreciate not getting up in the cold mornings to go to work.

Keep well.

Tomso.

Morning Castle

Like Tomso I think Steves post to you had real meaning , I know it's difficult but maybe we have to become a bit selfish in our recovery and really make us priority

We all want the dream and as cg's we are prob the most impatient of creatures but hey that's another change we must make during this journey

No rush Castle , a day at a time , not our nature but put us first , make sure we are safe and I'm sure in time it will all start slotting into place just how we want 🙂

Here anytime

Keep strong Castle , we will get there

Lucy

Yo,

Thank you for you lovely post , I know that maybe you do not realise but you have given me just as much .

Through what you have posted on my thread or on others , so I have to say I could send that post right back to you . So for that I thank you back .....

I am sure as you read through your diary that you could see how far you have come . How you have battled through adversity and yep you may not have got it right all the time but you never threw in the towel .

Which makes me you who ever better equipped for what ever life throws at us next .

What the Steg says makes so much sense ( teacher knows best lol) , we need to put our recovery first , is this selfish no I do not think so , because only by doing that are we creating a positive environment for everything else in our lives . In fact it would be selfish not to as we know what the repercussion are .

Was out on the tiles last night , well went out for a meal , home by 8:30 lol

So have not watched the X ,although I would love Lucy to win ,cause her song made me laugh , but I know she won't . But I will hold off with my finial view untill I have watched judges houses , and see who has got through . Then I will pass my thoughts on to FP

As for Shiny Fairy , got a nice ring to it . Maybe when I hit a 1000 posts again it maybe time for a change .....

Watch this space ......

What an epic post this it , saving you money , no need to buy the Sunday paper now lol

You have a good week off my friend , try to look forward never back , as Duncs would say .

Hugs

Shiny xxxxxxxxxxx

Yo,

Quick update . As much as I would like Lucy to win, can not see it happening .

So think FP who has transformed herself into MG , ( having a news agents , pretty much know what youngsters are into . ) So MG makes perfect sense .

So if you could tell her Shiny Fairy recons she is spot on ,thinking Ella will win , though I would like to see the group of the boy and girl go through to the finial as well. They did a really good job tonight .

End of update ......

Hugs

Shiny xxxxxxx

Shiny ur message has been passed on and now will be installed in MG s little head for the next ten or so week reports will come ur way soon, on reality contests I learned my lesson from BGT having the most massive urge to bet on it convinced I knew the winner so this time with x factorI will just be enjoying the time watching with my daughter and get my thrills through her excitement of the whole show

Had my daughter last night has an extra with been off today she yes well pleased as it allowed her to stay up a bit later to watch x factor so she went to bed at 9 if she was with her mom it would-be half 7 on the dot no excuses , for me personally I think that's a bit early for someone 8 and half but I do what I feel right and she does the same and we respect each others views on parenting

On xmas I am having daughter xmas eve and keeping her till bout half one then ex having her for rest of day so gonna av lunch with parents bout 3 and prob stay till bout 6 then go back to flat for evening which now doesn't seem has daunting , also told her bout decree nisi which should come through this week or next she was fine and no mention of another mortgage payment but if it's mentioned it will just be a simple no and calmly explain due to her holding onto a document for 3 weeks it would av come through by now

Last Friday I started to read my diary from the beginning I got to page 40 which took me 2 hours a lot of that to do with my mobile phone takin ages to go to next page , it made me very proud of myself and the effort I was putting in which gives me great determination to keep goin

I av to give a couple of real special mentions firstly to shiny as when reading my diary the support she gave me is overwhelming and honestly didn't realise how much she was there for me I cannot thank her enough I know she does not like the praise and is very humble bout all the fantastic effort and support she puts on everyones diary , sorry shiny but for me when someone does somethin good praise is required and it's important to say it has many people do good things and go unnoticed

Secondly the support and advice I av received over the last 9 months is astounding and so much appreciated and that goes out to everyone who has posted on my diary , for me it's been a real battle esp recently fighting with everything in my head thoughts of worry goin through my head and honestly just not gettin anywhere part from worrying more then I received a post from Steve the other day and it was a post that just struck a chord and made me look at my life so differently it just made so much sense like my gambling addiction which I take one day at a time I need to take that into my personal life and problems , I gamble when my life is imbalanced that I do know and I am tryin to much to sort my future out when I don't even know what it will bring , in that one post it was like someone hitting me in the face everything just made perfect sense everything just fell into place

I now know I need to put myself 1st everyday enjoy that day deal with the problems on that day and worry bout the next day when it comes , it was just a real simple piece of advice but just couldn't see it as there was so much goin through my head , so thank u Steve it may av seemed easy for u to see but it made me see a different light

I heap praise and praise on this site it really has saved my life I know I av singled a couple of people out today which I wouldn't normally do but everyone who gets involved in this site deserves credit for takin that time and effort to try help themselves and help others along the way

So a big thank u to everyone for makin this site the success it is without us it wouldn't really happen