Recovery Diary: Becoming a Better Person

Well done red, good to read how determined you are. Keep us all posted. I found it extremely difficult in the early days, but it does get easier. I can also thoroughly recommend gamcare counselling 

DAY 3

Another day free from gambling urges, but filled with self-loathing and regret. 

I've accepted that these are going to be frequent feelings and I'm going to start facing them; before I would bury them to keep my conscious clear enough to continue gambling. These thoughts come in many forms: hating myself for the money and time I've wasted, for the lying and deception, for the person gambling turned me into and for finding myself in this situation. 

But today I've been fixated on what I've allowed my gambling addiction to take priority over... my family, my friends, my career, my happiness. I've missed out on many irreplaceable memories because of the damage caused to my mental and financial health. It is overwhelming, and unexpected, how much loss is involved in this entire journey. 

I mentioned before that I confided in loved ones (close family), but I haven't shared what I'm going through with my friends. I don't think I ever will. This means that I've pushed them away without really meaning or wanting to. I've been thinking about how important it is to reconnect with my friends, and, in doing so, I feel I can reclaim a part of myself that hasn't been tainted by my addiction. I know some may say that full transparency is the best option, but I don't want my friends to see or treat me differently. Only because those who haven't experienced gambling addiction can never truly understand it. I believe that some things are allowed to remain private, and sharing with close family and on here is working for me. I see this as a progressive step in my recovery, one that can help me get reacquainted with my former self via my friendships. 

The most important relationship in need of repair is the one I have with myself. If I can fix that, I can then put all of the other pieces of my life back together.

In a couple of days, I'm going abroad to work for a few months, I'm looking forward to a change of scenery and focussing on my passion. I'm so grateful for this opportunity, and I know when I come back home I bring with me a chance to change my circumstances. This is exciting, yet daunting, as I've wasted the fruits of so much hard work on my addiction. This will be my first big milestone and chance to prove that I've finally broken the cycle. 

Slowly, but surely, the fog is lifting and I'm starting to see the path ahead. The most notable change is that I believe myself when I say I don't want to gamble anymore. Previously, I would tell myself this, when I'd actually already decided to have another splurge to see if I could get lucky before 'finally' calling it a day. I'm not going to be naive, this won't be fixed overnight, but I feel different and more positive than I ever have in my previous attempts to quit. 

THOUGHTS & QUESTIONS OF THE DAY

Even when positive mental and emotional recovery is being made, I feel it's important to match this with other proactive measures. For the foreseeable future, a loved one will have financial control of my income, as I have to acknowledge that I'm still at risk of relapsing despite my current progress. 

Recovering from addiction is an enlightening and transformative experience. It forces you to assess and rebuild your life, presenting the opportunity to identify other things that you can rectify along the way. You can better yourself beyond quitting your gambling addiction and this is really empowering to me. 

Writing these posts is helping me in more ways than one, I find comfort in knowing that someone who is also battling with addiction could be helped by my entries. 

Do you think it's essential to tell everyone around us about our struggles with gambling? Even if they haven't been directly or significantly affected by our issues? 

Onwards to Day 4!...

@aoxbg6d3ji Thank you, Roxy! It's great to connect and share on here, it's really helping. I will look into that too. All the best!

Hi

Being an addict for me is was a very unhealthy life.

By exchanging unhealthy habits in to healthy habits I am a much healthier person.

How ever my wife might have a different opinion of that.

By exchanging procrastination in to being a healthy productive person is well worth while.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham