DAY 2
My gambling addiction derived from loss of income. I’m self employed and at the start of this my work had dried up. This made me feel very insecure and mentally vulnerable. I also had absolutely nothing to do at the time, which didn’t help. I would search for work all day, lose hope and then gamble.
It was an attempt to compensate for my lack of income. I had some decent wins, which fuelled my addiction and encouraged me to fantasise about winning more. I got really greedy. Even when business picked up, I would hand all of my hard earned money over to online casinos. Then I would lose, desperately chase and quickly have absolutely nothing left. Before I knew it, I was well and truly trapped in the vicious circle of gambling addiction.
I got to the point where I knew I needed to confide in loved ones, they were shocked and disappointed. But I thought this would help me to be accountable and make changes. But it didn’t, it led me to deceive, lie and damage trust with the people that I care about the most.
I recently discovered GamCare and I believe now that this is what I’ve needed all along… A strong community of peers who actually understand what I’m going through and battling with. I feel so determined and informed on the necessary steps needed to further and sustain my recovery.
The first step is to understand my triggers and fix what lies beneath them. For me, this is the insecurities of my somewhat unpredictable line of work. I love my job, but in order to continue, I need to build an emergency fund and means of resistance for the tougher times.
I’m slowly working through the self-loathing, anger and regret that results from this addiction, but I’ve never felt so confident that I will put a stop to it this time. I haven’t felt the urge to gamble today, instead I’m now looking forward to repairing and bettering my life.
It’s early days, but I’m not going to give up.
THOUGHTS OF THE DAY
Having a gambling problem doesn’t make us terrible people. Good people make mistakes and they only define us if we continue to repeat them.
Before personally experiencing this addiction, I thought gamblers were selfish, reckless and irresponsible. I cannot fathom how widely overlooked the evil and effects of this addiction are! How is gambling permitted to be so ‘glamourised’ in mainstream advertisement?
Onwards to Day 3!…
Well done red, good to read how determined you are. Keep us all posted. I found it extremely difficult in the early days, but it does get easier. I can also thoroughly recommend gamcare counselling
DAY 3
Another day free from gambling urges, but filled with self-loathing and regret.
I've accepted that these are going to be frequent feelings and I'm going to start facing them; before I would bury them to keep my conscious clear enough to continue gambling. These thoughts come in many forms: hating myself for the money and time I've wasted, for the lying and deception, for the person gambling turned me into and for finding myself in this situation.
But today I've been fixated on what I've allowed my gambling addiction to take priority over... my family, my friends, my career, my happiness. I've missed out on many irreplaceable memories because of the damage caused to my mental and financial health. It is overwhelming, and unexpected, how much loss is involved in this entire journey.
I mentioned before that I confided in loved ones (close family), but I haven't shared what I'm going through with my friends. I don't think I ever will. This means that I've pushed them away without really meaning or wanting to. I've been thinking about how important it is to reconnect with my friends, and, in doing so, I feel I can reclaim a part of myself that hasn't been tainted by my addiction. I know some may say that full transparency is the best option, but I don't want my friends to see or treat me differently. Only because those who haven't experienced gambling addiction can never truly understand it. I believe that some things are allowed to remain private, and sharing with close family and on here is working for me. I see this as a progressive step in my recovery, one that can help me get reacquainted with my former self via my friendships.
The most important relationship in need of repair is the one I have with myself. If I can fix that, I can then put all of the other pieces of my life back together.
In a couple of days, I'm going abroad to work for a few months, I'm looking forward to a change of scenery and focussing on my passion. I'm so grateful for this opportunity, and I know when I come back home I bring with me a chance to change my circumstances. This is exciting, yet daunting, as I've wasted the fruits of so much hard work on my addiction. This will be my first big milestone and chance to prove that I've finally broken the cycle.
Slowly, but surely, the fog is lifting and I'm starting to see the path ahead. The most notable change is that I believe myself when I say I don't want to gamble anymore. Previously, I would tell myself this, when I'd actually already decided to have another splurge to see if I could get lucky before 'finally' calling it a day. I'm not going to be naive, this won't be fixed overnight, but I feel different and more positive than I ever have in my previous attempts to quit.
THOUGHTS & QUESTIONS OF THE DAY
Even when positive mental and emotional recovery is being made, I feel it's important to match this with other proactive measures. For the foreseeable future, a loved one will have financial control of my income, as I have to acknowledge that I'm still at risk of relapsing despite my current progress.
Recovering from addiction is an enlightening and transformative experience. It forces you to assess and rebuild your life, presenting the opportunity to identify other things that you can rectify along the way. You can better yourself beyond quitting your gambling addiction and this is really empowering to me.
Writing these posts is helping me in more ways than one, I find comfort in knowing that someone who is also battling with addiction could be helped by my entries.
Do you think it's essential to tell everyone around us about our struggles with gambling? Even if they haven't been directly or significantly affected by our issues?
Onwards to Day 4!...
@aoxbg6d3ji Thank you, Roxy! It's great to connect and share on here, it's really helping. I will look into that too. All the best!
Hi
Being an addict for me is was a very unhealthy life.
By exchanging unhealthy habits in to healthy habits I am a much healthier person.
How ever my wife might have a different opinion of that.
By exchanging procrastination in to being a healthy productive person is well worth while.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
DAY 5
I was going through all the notions on Day 2 & 3, so there wasn’t anything particularly new to share here on Day 4.
Day 5 has been the same really. Although it has struck me just how much of my time became occupied by gambling. It’s concerning in retrospect, but has also left a strange void… Regardless of how busy I was, I always dedicated some time to it on a daily basis. I suppose this acknowledgement was a good test that I’m proud to say I didn’t fail.
I’m managing to maintain a positive mindset about my recovery journey. The desire to better my future has truly surpassed the urge to gamble, which I’ve really struggled to establish until now.
THOUGHTS & QUESTIONS OF THE DAY
I would like to find something to fill the void left by gambling. I think it would be a good step and provide necessary distraction to avoid a relapse.
Does anyone have any ideas of what hobby/task I could pick up to replace my former addiction? Is this something that anyone else did during their recovery?
Onwards to Day 6!…
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