Refreshed diary for a refreshed adam

Hi diary,

Briefly thought about applying for a full time position in medical records to give me more money.....however spoke to my mum and sister and they feel that my health is more important than money and if theres a chance that there will be stress or pressure in the new role or too many hours for me it is best to stick to the position im in.

So im going to stick with my current role.

Had a lovely day today//....woke up around nine am and went to town for a bacon baguete and a roll..... then walked round shops,,,, then had another two cofffees then went back home then went back to town had another coffee.....then listened to spurs win... then went to the pub with a couple of friends...then went for a walk and weights...then ate and now about to watch match of the day and see the game..

Tomo im going to go for a swim....then watch a few games......

All in all most things are going well....after a week of spending nothing.....but bananas ive spent thirty pounds today well just under but im on a small holiday at mo and got to treat yourself when on holiday.

All the best adam xxx

Another day......woke up went swimming......bought lunch....watched football.....went to folks for dinner....bought sky cinema subscription.....

Tomo im putting some blinds up in my bathroom......

Nothing else to report....

All the best adamxx

put the blinds up

Had a lovely day...... woke up early......went for a coffee and bacon baguette....walked round charity shops......found five star wars mugs and bought them for six pounds for all five bargin they look brand new too.....then found a spiderman and ninja turtle figure and bought them.....then went back watched a film,....then went for a coffee....then found a group of banksy pictures on amazon measured up and going to buy them too....then had a curry round my folks...now watching the city game on tv.....

One more day off ...... will see what i get up to tomo....

Woke up early again today, went for a walk with mum and dad, then got a lift to town and had a pot of tea a coffee and a bacon baguette.......then came home played some xbox.....listened to some music....chat on gamcare. ate dinner now watching couple of football matches....

Now im back to work tomo...but in all honesty ive spent a bit too much over the last five days so am thankfull to be going back...

Day one of spending less after my weeks recent splurge on coffee and holiday things....  Spent one pound today on a coffee and some fairy liquid...... pretty good.

Think im gonna buy some sausages tomo for tomo night....

worked really hard today.....had two hours of medical gas training.....then done my usual jobs...took me 6.5 hours instead of 5 i usually work....so ill be going home early tomo.....

Looking forward to the spurs game sunday....its a win win noone expects us to win so if we do itll be magic.....

Had a poor day with gambling urges yesturday and it took me a lot of skill to get thru it unscathed...but i walked past all o=bookies and didnt open up a poker app all that i was tempted to do.....

Not been going on my walks as weather been terrible....the gym isnt going to open till spring too either so im hoping the weather improves.

Hi Adam,

You did well to summon up your inner strength, knowledge and fortitude to swerve the demon that was trying to tap you on the shoulder. I know that feeling well. As a result, you lived that day how it was meant to be lived, with its ups and downs. But not with a relapse 'hangover' clouding the day and worse.

I really enjoy reading your diary Adam. You are an inspiration to me with your dogged determination to live that better life. Your discipline and focus is really something mate 🙂

Hi mixer thaansk for popping by and filling me with confidence......

Yes i got thru that day unscathed nd ready to battle on.

This weekend has been very productive.....Finnished work early on friday and cleared the kitchen.....then washed it down in prep for decorating it saturday.....then couldnt sleep doh....got to sleep 5am saturday morning.... Then saturday painted the kitchen.....now its looking pretty darn good....

Now im ready to buy new cooker (already bought extractor fan and blinds).....then i also bought some blinds for my spare bedroom so that the whole of the front of my flat has blinds in the windows (i think they look pretty smart).....

Then friday night i watched a video on how to make most of my now tv.....Bes ttrick is to watch lots of each type of tv genre in one go then only pay for what u are actually watching not what ur just paying over the odds for....

Also saw that if you go to cancel, go thru the are u are u want to cancel bit.....then they my offer you a discount to stay.....So i done that with the boost (boost gives you it in hd with no adds and over three devices so my sister and mum and dad can watch in their homes too at no extra cost) i was paying 6 pounds a month but got it reduced to 2 pounds per month for three months.....then i was paying 4.99 for cinema got it reduced to 3.99...so saved 5 pounds a month on friday night pretty pleased with myself and didnt have to cancel.

So then friday night watched a film on it...my mum watched maverick which she liked and my sisters family watched sing 2 and spiderman...so all in all its going well.

Then im in a major debate with ymself this weekend as theyve sent me a offer of 6 months of sky sports for 14.99 a month so 90 quid for six months on my tv in flat and my family would be able to watch too..  thing is ive t=got the mobile app so can watch on that and if i go to folks i can watch on friends sky...but id like to watch in flat...but is it too much to watch and get the most out of it? so i decided not to ge t*t then i watched the spurs game today in my flat on the big tv and it was brilliant (mainly because it was such a good game and the result) but theres quite a few spurs games to watch at home so then thought yes ill get it as its a good offer (55%off) and only 90 quid....its just will i be ott on footballl i dont know.... but think im gonna get it once my day pass for today has expired..

Then also today has been exciting as ive done soo well in my fantasy football, after bonus points ive got 100 points without using a special chip like bench boost or tripple captin.....ive no way of looking up but its the best points ive seen without using a special so im hoping to win the manager of the week...theres nine million players so i doubt ive got the most but ill be close....winner gets some little prizes and bragging rights forever....

Another pretty great day.....Im healthy, my mental health is in a great place and friends and family are doing well.

Am i happy im now sane? Well the things that go thru my mind? the thoughts? the beliefs thru the years are to be honest pretty d**n far fetched......

Nowdays i hear and listen to the voices and believe them but don't act on them..... I just stick it out till the morning...listen to music (my crutch) and once im thru it and on to the next day i put the beliefs to one side and get on with my life (the real one).

Now im pretty pleased as 13 years ago i was smoking weed, doing recreational drugs , and as my previous posts stated they took me to skitsophrenia....at that point i was really really close to commiting suicide (i even went to the train rtracks to do it) living on my own i went to work with the voices believed gangsters were after me and belived there was a secret life with aliens and ghosts that no one had told be about all my previous life to then.....i saw halucinations on my wall....didnt sleep for a month and had these voices torchering me for the most of it.... i then lost my job (got sacked) and went to my folks place for solace......

Thankfully i did go to my folks as they got me the help i needed over the next month and push me forward with my life.....even tho i still belived in these voices and was petrefied of people i didnt know (customer service out the window) my dad managed to push me towards a new store opening in brighton for a sailing company.....now even tho i got sacked i told the area manager that i got sacked and managed to get on well enough with him in the interview to get offered not the assistant managers position but the managers position....

I Wasnt with the voices very good at this role but managed to work there for 2 years whilst living at my folks and getting my meds right.......

Then made redundant.....

Now ive had two other jobs since then as assistant managers then the last job in the hospital up to now.....if it wasnt for my folks id no doubt not have a job....i may not even be here.....id probably not have seeked help and that would have been it....

so today and everyday im very thankful......To be healthy....to be alive....

Now gambling was a huge thing to give up....a very very addictive things to stop....but in all honesty compared to the mental health issues and stopping weed...its a walk in the park.....

now if u said to me where do you think youll be in ten years ten years ago i wouldnt really know where to start..... i wouldnt say working in a hospital....I wouldnt say i wouldnt be taking any vices...not smoking, not drinking, not gambling, being healthy? no way thats me id say?

But the clarity with which i made that decision on the isle of white on that holiday in that room..... 

I knew the way forward was thinking clearly abbout my decisions, about my direction.....thinking about it....id been living my life by just enjoying my social life too much, living recklessly, id been doing well thru my sales customer service skills in essence.....blagging my way thru life..... id been very very lucky till then....i coasted thru my education trying but not spending enough time on it as i should of...i tried my hardest at work and thought a lot about it.....but i thought i still do think too much about my work life!!!!!

Nowadays i still think too much about work....even last week i thought about going for a full time postion in medical records....(more stress, pressure, all for more money)..... now money isnt what i should aim for.....health is!!!!!!!

So my aim is not money anymore......its not to work full time anymore......its not what i studied.......but work is about generating me health and purpose....  My job now gives me a purpose...it gives me 10k of steps a day....it doesnt stress me out.....when im ill i dont have to be customer focused....for my goal of being healthy its perfect.

So Now my goal is to be healthy....im like a stuck record about my weight but i need to focus on it...... and if i do weights and walk then itll come off....im not super overweight but i could improve......

But my goal is now health!!!!! and well being!!!!! 

Another couple of days have passed...... worked very hard.....treated myself to a subway and coffee for dinner..... got a relaxing weekend lined up......payday tomo.....going to buy a new cooker with half of it.

All the best adam

also tuesday 16k 100 reps of weights  wednesday 16k 10 reps of weights today 14k and subway and coffee.... been doing some good exercise this week....going to continue this weekend and also rest up and enjoy entertainment with friends.... 

done 5k steps today.....not many but saturday a rest day...... watched villa smash brighton at midday.....then went for a walk.....then watched spurs win cracking result.....such a good start to season.....we will lose at some point but hoping next three games are all wins so we top of prem.

Getting new flooring soon just ordered for 120 pounds.....money well spent......got blinds....just need to buy cooker.....got extractor too...plus got pictures thru too....

just gonna watch a film now.....

Another great day..... woke up 11 am nice lie in till 12.....friend came over and watched the flash film...then walked round town....had a bacon sandwich.....small microwave pizza.....may have some toast later if hungry.....trying to watch my weight...thought about getting a cake to share with my firend but thought better of it....not only am i trying to spend less this month im trying to also watch my weight.

weighed myself a minute ago and im 88.30 kgs......13.9 stone......9 pounds to lose....not too bad....

October and november can be my diet motnhs then i can indulge a bit more over december....

If i keep weighing myself at this time just before dinner on a sunday.....then it will be acurate.....

Ive looked at the number of posts on gamcare under the recovery diaries (200k) ive posted 2600 so 1 percent of the posts on this website have been mine lol very funny ive written soo much.....All in all being here and posting and getting support has helped me a great deal over the years......and long may that continue...

Going to work hard this week......ill aim to do 16k steps most days and will try to not spend too much.....

Today i spent 2 pounds....great start to the month....

Ive got my food in freezer........Ive got 20 pounds on my sainsburys card.......Ill get some bananas from waitrose for my free coffee....along with bread and milk..... actually i can get milk from sainsburys along with fruit..... 

Just got paid, i need 400 for bills.....500 for new cooker im buying......(jusst transferred that to my dad for it).....that leaves 180 for food but i shouldnt need much of that as ive got my lunches sorted and my freezer is full of things plus i have potatoes and carrots and baked beans....also i have my pot noodles for my saturday afternoons watching footie in bed......this week will be luton spurs on bt sport, then man city arsenal liverpool brighton.....on sky.....then monday, tuesday and wednesday im off work too horray.....going to put up some pictures one of those days in my lounge.....