Regaining life, family and memories.

Great stuff hanz,- really positive posts,gives us all a lift.

Be wary of complacency,its funny how this addiction can sneak up on you.I had an urge yesterday come out of now where,luckily I didn't act on it,I've still got the mindaet of a gambler,suppose its with me for life,its just learning not to act upon the thoughts.

Your in a really good place,well done for turning things around,keep posting.

Hi Hanz,

So sorry not posted for a few day's, things been really hectic with MIL still ill. Sadly she is suffering badly and we need to be with her as much as possible.

Had terrible urge to gamble yesterday and today, dont know where it came from but maybe stress....so glad I didnt and it has now passed TG.

I am so inspired with your continued success Hanz, you must feel on cloud 9 at the moment. Will keep checking in to see if you are ok. I think the longer we can keep free the better chance of recovery but still take one day at a time, as I have learnt through my GA meetings, it doesnt matter how long we dont gamble for, but one bet will lead to more so, just for today we will not gamble.

Absolutely well done and keep up the good work.

My best wishes as alway's.

Hope x

Had a great weekend in Berlin. Treated the family. It feels a lot better than treating the bookmakers to a nice holiday!

Today brings up day 78 gambling free. Rolling onto 3 months.

Onwards and upwards

Hanz

Today brings up 80 days gambling free for me now. I very rarely get urges and when I do I think about the positives and how much better life is without gambling. One thing that has struck me today though is my new found lack of confidence. I used to be quite a direct person not just in work but in life.

I think gambling properly hid a lot of my insecurities over the last few years and it's only now my gambling persona has reduced, the real me, the fragile me that took up gambling at the age of 16 to hide my life struggles come back to the front. As per my original post I was dealing with a newly broken home with my mum no where to be seen, older brother moved out and me left with my depressive alcoholic dad. I feel that me is back. Almost like I have been in a time warp that has stripped the faked confidence out of my by giving up gambling.

I'm sure in time I will regain my confidence and become a happier person again, but as I've always said. I'm either top of the world or bottom of the mountain. Today I an bottom of the mountain.

Life is definitely better without gambling, I am 95% of the time happier, it's the 5% left that I need to work on now.

Onwards and upwards as ever though,

Hanz

Hi hanz,

Saw your post on another diary and thought I'd drop by and read a little more. I like the metaphor you used about cashing out, hopefully that's what I've done for the last time too.

I also get what you mean about the insecurities, gambling makes you suppress many different parts of your personality in order to dedicate more of yourself to addiction. It's natural for insecurities to surface, and I think many of us have plenty of those.

The important thing is you're going in the right direction, and the 5% of your time where you do feel down isn't pushing you back towards gambling. Keep your guard up and your eyes on the prize of the better life that is ahead.

Did you try the beer in Berlin? I've put Oktoberfest on my bucket list, and getting a few steins of German beer sounds great to me!

All the best

Ryan

"Life is a roller coaster, just gotta ride it" I have more ups and downs than a Yo-Yo but the words I just wrote on another diary are my true thought and are as follow:

_______

..focus on a set amount of time and you will win the battle but not the war. I'm not a believer in you battle this for ever and you have to live without. Change you lifestyle, thoughts, triggers and urges and you can forget about gambling and move on. You don't have to battle the urges for ever. If you don't change the above then you are in recovery as you will be living in the same lifestyle as gambling you. These people should be very different.

Urges get weaker and weaker as you get stronger and stronger. Cash out for the final time, learn to deal with the urges, reduce the lifestyle that enabled you to gble and leave this in the past. You can recover and not always be in recovery.

There is an end and it is not to far away, stay strong positive and on the right track.

______

I got to remember this myself, I've cashed out for the last time and remove the element of gambling me from life.

Onwards and upwards

Hanz

Going through a tough time ATM, girlfriend is having a tough time with the family and I have to be there for we in everyday possible. The gambling me would be next to here physically and gambling emotionally. I now need to be not ony physically next to her but emotionally. I struggle with this, strong willed in front of her but pile on the pressure just to me.

I am proud of myself that I am now there for her in my mind and I know she appreciates this.

I will never gamble again because it does my only affect my life, my personality and my thoughts/personality/reactions it affects everyone in my "support system" everyone in contact with me on a day to day basis. My family, my girlfriend and my work. My boss, colleague, friends, brother. Mother, father, girlfriend and in-laws. I will not gamble because I don't only punish myself, I punish everyone around me. Gambling is selfish. Gambling is not for me. I have chosen the right path. Maybe the "boring path" in a gamblers eyes that asks me about my next flutter but the right path. I am improving my life little by little and that is all that matters.

As discussed yesterday, I feel like I am loosing my mind at the moment, I am it switched on, I am jot quick witted, I am not happy go lucky as what people would expect. But that is because I have stripped away the persona, 81 days in and I am returning back to my real personality stripped back to the basics . I am moving on and it is gonna take time build the "new me" but I have commited to my new and improved non-gambling and this is the right path.

Onwards and upwards as always,

Hanz

Morning Hanz

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time at the moment. It's sounds like you're dealing with it like a man though and not hiding away. What ever problems life throws at us, gambling can never be the solution.

Stay strong buddy.

Hi Hanz,

Thank you so much for your support on my diary, some fantastic words of advice that I've have already started to use. I did have a look through the recovery diaries for you before but couldn't find it for some reason.

Just had a quick read through your diary, will have a proper read when i have more time because it's full of good detail about your recovery. I think this is important to get everything off your chest in order to move on, something i struggle with.

Your last post is so true of the bigger picture in relation to how gambling not only affects your bank balance, but all the other important things that are neglected as a result of hours in a zombie-like state wasting money. This has got to be the best thing in recovery, getting over the hill and seeing how bright the other side is. I guess always remembering the darker side behind isn't always a bad idea if it helps guide you in the right direction.

Anyway, rambling a bit now, just wanted to say a massive well done on 81 days, not an easy feat and one which you've obviously worked hard at so well done!

Hope things are a bit better at home too,

Take care mate, keep up the good work

Jimbo

Jimbo/Tess thank you both as ever for your replies. It's always good to see people on here thinking and caring. It means a lot.

I has been a rather rubbish couple of weeks now but today I sit at 86 days gambling free. Just over 12 weeks. That's the most important thing. Gambling free.

This weather really gets me down. My commute into work is about an hour and a 1/2 so have to leave home around 6 not returning until 7/8. In the winter I rarely see any real daylight and I don't think this is any good for my mental state. As I have said before, I do earn good money but feel my work/life balance is a bit rubbish. I think I always used gambling as my escape for this and used to have flutter on the train in the mornings/evenings to cure Bordem and take my mind off work.

Work itself is getting me down as well at the moment. The sales director within the company is a constant annoyance, pilling unesasary pressure on over stupid things. This is something I really could do without. I am considering my options at the moment. I would like to be working closer to home but this would mean earning around 10/15K less. But think I would happy accept that for a happier state or mind. That's proberly what I was gambling roughly a year anyway so can think of it like that. I will actually he no worse off, just gambling free and happy!

In addition, my girlfriend has decided (I don't have much say haha) that we will be moving flat over the Christmas period and I've decided to start an ******* business buying and selling stock. Financial pressure at its finest!

Anyways, battling on and gambling free since 1/9/2013

Have a good day Tess/Jimbo and anyone else!

Onwards and upwards

Hanz

Hey hanz your doing great fella keep up the great work things will get better 🙂 although gambling would make everything worse we both know that,keep at it 🙂

The bear

Hi Hanz

You really should be proud of your achievement, 12 weeks is brilliant!

Sounds like you're under a lot of stress at work which doesn't help with everything else going on. Chin up though mate, there are options and sounds like you're this online buisness could be a good option, at least you can try it first and see how you go. I've always fancied doing something like that but never had the money to buy the goods to sell lol.

Anyway, well done and keep up the really good work!

Have a nice night

Jimbo

Hi Hanz,

Just another thank you for your continuing support on my diary. I notice that you help a lot of people on here without updating your own diary, that's very kind of you!

Hope things are still going well, as i;m sure they are,

Take care mate

Jimbo

Thanks for the comments Jimbo! I always read and appreciate them!

Today is a significant day for me. It breaks up 3 months. That's a 1/4 of a year!

If I think back to when I started using this site..initially to read then to post, I was in a very different place mentally. This weekend has come and almost gone without even a consideration towards gambling. I had a family day yesterday and had family staying down at mine.

Something struck me that my step-sister said. She has been working 3/4 hours a day, 5 days a week for about £200 a month just to support my little Nephews and give them a better life. They have never been away abroad. The money I was gambling each week could genuinely have changed/improved there life's! They would never accept a penny from me as they are proud people that are hard workers. I just brought home the value of money.

I now have a real value of money. I buy a product good shopping if it's 10/20p cheaper rather than no caring how much things cost.

My little e.bay business is coming along. Just looking for local deals to make some money. Today I managed to purchase 170KG of levi jeans (in various states) for £0.99...I went through them and found 140 pairs I could now make into girls shorts and sell for £10/15 each. AmaZing to think I can now spend my time trying to earn money rather than taking a gamble on something I have no control over what so ever.

I feel most at home when buying/selling, it's what I got brought up to do. Work hard, make the most of opportunities and keep trying. I think I took this train of thought as a kid and tried to short cut my way to money.

Gambling is a mugs game...I always laughed that off when I was a gambler. But my god I believe it now!

Why would I ever gamble again? It's an absolutely terrible way of life.

Despite the stresses as per my last few post of my last few weeks, it's a millions times better than a gambling life.

Onwards and upwards,

No gamble since 1/9/13

3 Months!!!!

1/4 year

Hanz

No complacency just positivity.

Today is day 98.

Can't believe Tuesday will be 100 days gambling free! Amazing to think I've managed that and mainly down to this amazing site.

I've felt incredibly depressed and down last couple of days but none of that is to do with gambling and just normal life. Everyone has ups and downs. Mine are now due to every day life rather than a bet. Much better as I can control life a little.

Very happy with how things have progressed and have an absolute focus on continuing the progress. I was in town with mrs today and she commented on how many bookies where about ...5 in the stretch of less than 100 yards. Then she commented on the fact that she has never seen a well dressed person walk into the bookies. Very true. If gambling could make you rich wouldn't everyone do I?

Loosing my affliction with bookies, gambling adverts and signs now. Don't look at bookies anymore, adverts are annoying me and posters ect get a glance the same as the next movie or music poster.

I still have my guard up.

Onwards and upwards.

98 days gamble free

Hanz