Regrets, I've had a few, but then again....

The Christmas period has taken a heavy toll for lots of my friends on here over the Xmas period, time, money and opportunity all coming together in a horrible way. For me, maybe I'm glad for my shift work and the fact that I only had Xmas day itself off, there but for the grace of god... Anyway, 2014 has been a year of consolidation really, not gambling, paying off debts and maybe putting down a little bit of a foundation for the future. In the past, this is as far as it has gone. Temptation usually comes back with a bang, rattles me to the point of failure and then it all goes down the pan. I can't say it won't happen again, just that it won't happen today, and I'm going to do my best to make sure it doesn't happen tomorrow.

I'm still broken in many ways, and there is a lot to fix before project Ryan is complete, but I think I'm finding the right direction. On an unrelated note (at least I think its unrelated!), woke up from a nap tonight, and was dreaming that I got into a fight with a police office about freedom of speech after I told him that he was in my shop and that I'd play whatever type of music I liked. At no point have I owned a shop, and definitely not one that gave me the artistic freedom to play my kind of music!

Stephen - the dogs are fine, so far the live one hasn't ripped the draught excluder to shreds, but it may only be a matter of time!

Hope 2015 is a positive one for everyone.

Ryan

Hi Ryan,

Good post, that dream I think means you gaining back control of your life, and that you are getting stronger, and standing your ground more.

You really are doing fantastic, abstaining and maintaining, one day at a time.

Take care and stay safe.

Suzanne xx

Hey Ryan,

Thank you for the post and getting in touch outside forum walls.
I guess this journey of life will never end. There is always something to learn on a way. But the picture gets clearer on a way and we find our true potential in life. You my friend are doing really well and should be proud of yourself. Today is a gift, take it with both hands and carry it over to tomorrow. Foundation being placed 🙂

Best wishes for New year..that adventure you're planning is only closing by each day..it will surely be worth it! Keep up the good work.

Sandra xxx

HI RYAN, at 465 days I shall raise a glass to a forum veteran, that's some achievement, I look forward to your inspirational 2015 posts......Ginger.

2015 has been a bit depressing so far, drinking a bit too much and not really feeling particularly energetic or with much enthusiasm for seizing the day and all that jazz. Anyhow, it isn't going to seize itself, and later on today (after I've been to bed and woken up again!), I'm back to work for my first shift of the year.

I've finally got my mental health assessment coming up next Wednesday, though I'm starting to think I'm going to be wasting their time, and its just going to be a case of knuckling down and dealing with my own mental weaknesses. I don't really want anti-depressants, and would rather some form of talking therapy, but wait and see.

Anyhow, I guess I probably better get to bed otherwise I won't be in much of a mood for work when I get up.

Hope 2015 brings everyone the recovery they want, and that it proves to be an improvement on 2014.

Ryan

insomnia is a problem for me too ryan, sleep for an hour then PING wake up feeling like I've been asleep for hours, then eventually drop off just before dawn, get up 2 hours later and feel knackerd all day. but that's still better than when i was gambling, then I had trouble sleeping period. have a good day at work, stay focused.....regards Ginger.

Hi Ryan,

Thanks for your post my friend. Yes, that is a great quote, and one that I found back on my old diary - back in 2011, which I happened to be reading through in the early hours. Just to remind myself of my long journey that I am on....

I hope that you are feeling better soon Ryan. Hopefully getting back to work may help a bit. Routine is great for the mind.

Keep strong

All the best for 2015

Ade

Ryan

A happy new year to you fella,I fully understand you writing about your life being a project,yes you have laid the foundations for the future,my advice approach your meeting on wednesday with a very open mind,anti depressants are used in many different ways,maybe you need them to unlock the next set of doors,maybe not,but let the professional folk decide.

the effort you give life will only continue to see progress,for that be very proud,you should be positive about where you have got things to,now keep embracing it.

I see it as huge progress,thanks for sharing.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Ryan,

Very proud to be walking along of you and thank you for your continual support

Suzanne xxx

Hi Ryan..as duncs says, just go with an open mind. The reality is probably "anti-depressants" and a waiting list for a short course of counselling. Counselling has certainly helped me in the past. There is nothing like someone listening unconditionally. I made a mistake when i came off the anti-depressants last year after having only been on them for a couple of months... cos in retrospect I think they were starting to work AND i wasn't gambling!!. Hey ho.. live and learn eh.

Anyhow i hope your shift is going ok and of course well done on your continued gamble free time!

Regards to you my friend... S.A 🙂

Thank you for your supportive posts on my diary. You are doing tremendously with regards to your gambling abstinence. I wish I was as far down the gamble-free path as you are. I am hoping 2015 is a gamble-free year for us all. Best wishes for the week ahead.

Been a tough old weekend...not really feeling particularly good and just in a 'what's the point' kind of mood. Really wish/hope that this meeting proves to be a step in the right direction. My brain has just not been in any sort of good place, and although I've not come anywhere near gambling, just can't kick myself into a forward gear. Maybe its just that Christmas is out of the way, although really that shouldn't make a difference cause I'm not really a big fan of the holiday season anyway. Not made any resolutions, so on the plus point I've not failed any of those yet this year.

I guess it can only be onwards and upwards, and hope that 2015 is going to get better.

Ryan

Hi Ryan,

I hope things improve for you soon mate.

I'm no expert on these kind of issues, but just want you to know that you have my support.

Keep strong, keep posting, and remember......"It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters, in the end".

Ade

Four days down into my working week, and things are at the opposite end of the spectrum to where I was over the weekend. Looking forward to this weekend, I've got my (rescheduled due to a flu-logged team) work Christmas party tomorrow night, and Saturday and Sunday are both nights filled with back to back NFL games, and possibly some boxing if I can possibly squeeze it in!

Had my meeting with the mental health nurse for my initial assessment on Wednesday, I've been referred on to a psychiatrist, but he was pretty sure the diagnosis will be bipolar. We talked about my moods, sleep patterns, eating, gambling and other parts of life. He reassured me a little that it wasn't related to some of the other conditions in the family, which aren't in the same field as mine, and now I'll have another appointment in a few weeks. It was only a short chat, but I do feel positive about it. It also helped me to realise how bad my sleeping patters really are, and how they're related to it. We'll see how things go.

As for gambling, it is a bit of a non-entity in my life at the moment. I've not had any temptations coming back to haunt me. I know I have to keep my guard up, as it was around the 18 month mark that I stumbled a few years ago. I know what I need to do, and I can then keep heading in the right direction.

Hope everyone's looking forward to a nice gamble-free weekend.

Ryan

Ryan

Glad the appointment went well fella,it is all for me part of the re building process.

I howled with laughter,when I saw 'our' picture this afternoon,a few texts followed!!

I have a twelve pack now!!lol,truthfully it is a great thing to see our dear friend embracing life for all it is worth.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

P.s the old american football is lost on me today,a great shame because as a kid I remember all to well the programme we watched on a sunday night on channel four,oh and the plastic helmets you could collect!! Funny because I always wanted to see William perry,maybe it would explain the twelve pack lol!!

oh and as for the early rising,I live off 6 hours kip a day,any more and I am super tired for days!!