Regrets, I've had a few, but then again....

Evening All,

Just got back from spending a couple of relaxing days at my parents' house, scoffing too much of my mum's cheesecake and generally allowing the hours to slip by without thinking too much about anything. There are still a lot of ups and downs, but it is a journey that I will continue to make.

Thanks ally and SA, you are both right in that gambling takes a grip, and it isn't easy to get rid of it. The urges come from time to time, and gambling might almost seem logical, but the reality is that it isn't the logical choice for me, as I know what happens next.

It's been quiet on the freelance work for the last few weeks, so I was scouting around for a new client or two and just as I get some new work, one of my existing clients pops up with a nice big job for me to do. I'll be a busy boy for the next few weeks, and the work/life balance is going to become a day job/freelance work balance! It's all money in the bank though, and to take those steps to potentially doing that kind of thing full time, then money in the bank as a safeguard is just what I need.

Here's to another day gamble free,

Ryan

Hi Ryan,

Thank you once again for your kind words on my diary. It is very appreciated.

You doing great yourself and the support you offer to others is really heart warming. I am proud to stand next to you in this battle for better future.

I am not doing too good myself recently, cr** hit the roof tonight...but coming through the other end..really hope i can get some rest soon..my main struggle at the minute...still...no gambling!!

Keep it up, you doing great and oh...cheesecake? Yum yum lol..jelous already :-))

Keep doing what you doing because it is obviously working

Day at a time

Sandra x

Friday rolls about again and even the smallest thoughts of gambling are being stamped out at source. Had two tough nights not being able to sleep, but luckily last night I was asleep within an hour of being in bed, and although I woke up with a bit of a headache, I think I'll be better for getting a decent night's sleep. Work is hectic, but hey ho.

Now on to Day 125 - matching my best ever three dart score from the oche. The third dart was the five. I only ever hit that once, and I've never hit two treble 20s in three darts again :P.

Hope your week has been a positive one, and all the best for a great weekend.

Ryan

Hey Ryan,

Great achievement on g free days. They do add up quickly, keep at it!! I hope you had a nice weekend, cought up with plenty of rest and sleep and ready to navigate through the week ahead.

Stay safe, warm, rested and happy 🙂

Take care

Sandra x

P.s. three 8 year olds playing hide and seek in their karate gear lol did made me dizzy ..all happy days, good to feel young at least for the day 😀

128.

There are some days when I completely understand not gambling and don't ever want to place a bet on again. And then there are those where temptation and urges start to creep in.

Woke up this morning with vivid memories of a dream in which I had gambled and lost big, then later in the dream I remember feeling full of guilt and horror posting on here explaining why I'd gambled. Generally I try and avoid posting on the negative days, but I figure today it might be better out than in.

I feel much happier and more balanced generally when I'm not gambling, but my self doubt keeps asking me do I really deserve to be happier and more balanced? Surely a loser like this should be gambling, and that the big losses are the punishment for being such a sorry soul. I know this is the crazy gambler in my personality making me think this, but it is such a persistent voice on the down days. Rubbish job, in and out snapping up overtime and working freelance outside of work just to pay off the debts run up by previous punishments brought on by the self-loathing gambler in me.

Breathe. The other side of me knows this is just a test, just one more down day to work through. I want to select and delete this, bottle it back up. Been sat here reading this again.

What the heck.

Hi Ryan,

One of them days my friend, we only have to accept it. Believe me or not, i woke up full of determination and belief this morning. And it just went downhill out of sudden...only now come off the netline...i keep asking myself, w*f? why i feel this way, am i ever gonna forgive myself...will this ride ever end...

It is not easy Ryan, but we have to learn to let it go and think more positive.Accept good and bad days, don't stop urself posting on low days, they are the ones you need to get out of ur chest. Recovery is not rosy, and we are not happy clappy each day..it is human, normal feeling..You have a soul and feel sadness and happiness...Accept days like that..

You are not on your own..keep fighting, put everything down..nobody judge here..we understand and try to support each other..

Take care and be kind to urself

Sandra x

P.s. you are doing great ..128 days is massive achievement..be proud my friend...lets do it together!!!! 🙂

Well, I've kicked my self pitying behind out of the funk I was in earlier on, thanks for the support guys, I really don't know where it came from. Like you say Sandra, life is not happy clappy every day, just not felt this low for a while.

Back on the bandwagon, I didn't give in and throw away money into a video poker game or bet on some meaningless game. Bit of a waste of a day really, only did a tiny bit of freelance work and slept for much of the afternoon. I'm not sure how things will go tonight, or whether the old insomnia's going to kick in again.

Onwards and upwards I guess.

As you can tell Julie - the afternoon nap hasn't helped me getting to bed this evening. At least I'm not working tomorrow!

Ryan

fella if addiction wrote a manual of how the compulsive gambler should excist, my friend your post yesterday would have been the prologue, that is the monkey that sits on all of our shoulders, the one that will never let us forget who we are, the one that challenges our belief and tries it's hardest to tempt us back.

Mine sat there this morning, 'go on Duncs money in the bank, you deserve some us time!! just me and you like old times!!'

Yes I said and you know what you can do with em!!!!

Keep taking the medicine fella, thanks for sharing it, it really does help.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Ryan,

Thank you for your kind words last night. Must of been black Monday thing lol....I hope you have a lovely day off, it is yours to enjoy !!! :-))

Speak later...Sandra hungover lol...can't type a lot....

S x

Hey Ryan,

Arrr..thank you so much for your kind words on my diary. And you my friend hit the spot there. I find it hard to decide what to do with my future too....as you say - safer option, house, car, dog ( husband? 🙂 / wife in ur case )..or feel the freedom of other countries, see more of the world?..i think both options are positive ones, and the outcome would be similar. Happiness with ourselves.

I might go to visit few countries, i believe it is never too late for traveling. On ur own or not, it can be done.

At the min, i just want to pay my debts off, save up and go from there..it is not gonna happen overnight, but me as well as you, can do it by making the right choice each day. We can't give up hope. Life is out there for us...we are young ( reasonably lol ) and have many years ahead of us..who knows what lies ahead? We live and learn, we will not turn back to the past mistakes, we are better than that and deserve some breathing space and happiness. :-))

We have to keep believing Ryan, i know better times will come for all of us on this site.

Keep it up

Day at a time

Sandra x

Amazing how a couple of days can change your perspective completely on things, once again I have that positivity and optimism about the future and what it holds. Ironic that my mood has picked up on the day I'm back in work, after a couple of fairly rough days when I wasn't working. I have some really good people on my team, and it was one of those days when there were quite a few of us in together and we had a laugh.

Thanks for everyone for their support when I was feeling down on Monday, I feel quite humbled by your messages.

Julie - Today I see travel, adventure and being self employed as the option I must surely take. Tomorrow, I'm just as likely to want to have the house, car, dog package. The important thing is that I take the opportunity to do one or the other, and don't relapse so that gambling can take away both of those dreams.

Working hard, saving hard, and not gambling.

Ryan

Hey Ryan,

Thanx for the message and am really pleased to see your optimizm and determination. You are right, now we are free from evils grip, we can make better decisions for the future. I am sure you will reach ur goals and dreams. You are worth it and you CAN do it!!

As of the "good fight " lol...funny you touched the subject...i just recently took on some boxing in my routine lol..nothing special...god no..i don't want to get to Rambo frame lol my size 8 is plenty...lol..just good excersises mainly for my torso and abs.. i tell u what, bloody hard job, but soooo worth it!!! All the pain i feel in my muscles really pays off lol...and i do let a lot of anger out by punching the air :-)).i thought just a little bit on a side of my running 🙂 just can't keep still and have itchy feet and hands lol...love love sports!!! What can i say :-)...if not smoking, might aswell become fitness instructor..( mind u..anything is possible )

Oh sorry, went on a bit here hehe..

Fight might b dirty, gambling enemy is always at the ready...but ...each day abstaining it is worh the good results..we are winning it!!! maybe that's why i tense to call it a "good fight "

Oki doki...better get off get some rest..whoop whoop weekend is here :-))

Take care and keep it up my friend.

Doing fab :-)))

S x

Morning All,

Completely out of character for me to be up early on a Saturday, but I guess that is no bad thing. Struggling with sleeping properly this week, and several nights of insomnia ended up with me passing out around 11 last night, and woke up about 8.45. Work sucks, and two more shifts today and tomorrow, but looking forward to a Superbowl at a friends house tomorrow night, and two days off then to nurse the hangover!

My gambling dream of earlier on in the week hasn't really triggered any urges, but my guard is still up and I have no intention of dropping it anytime soon. Today is Day 133 without gambling, and although it has its ups and downs, I am much less emotional and more balanced than I was with gambling and big losses in my life.

The last few years have been a cycle of big losses, abstinence, small bets, increasing bets and back to big losses eventually. This time, it has to be different, and only I can make the choice to break that cycle.

Thanks for your support guys, as always, your strength helps me to feel I am part of Sandra's line of soldiers in the war against this addiction.

Here's to a great gamble free weekend!

Ryan

Hi Ryan,

Good to see you're still doing well. It's good to be up early on a Saturday!! You've got a head start on a all those lazy folk still in their beds lol.

You're so right when you talk about being much less emotional and not having those huge swings from being ecstatic one minute to feeling depressed the next. It's much better to be balanced.

I hope you have a good time on Sunday night with the Superbowl! Just remember if anyone mentions having a bet on the big game, to not give in. Just stuff your face with plenty of food and have a good time buddy!

All the best.