Rock bottom gets worse

I am suffering at the min and feel your pain. I am so glad you went home. 

Dear lonelysoul, having read your thread posts on here I am hoping you are ok and applaud you for taking the steps you have with the bingo club, the account and with Gamstop. I have done the same things and many more outlets I would play at too and it's such an important step to take. Gamstop is brilliant and has probably saved my life as I found it impossible to resist the temptation of online gambling.

It's not good to advise as nobody knows our individual circumstances but I did wonder, do you think it would be so bad to come clean with everyone? So arrange to have a proper meeting with your boss and tell them honestly about your problem and how you are trying to work on it. The same with your daughter, mum and really anyone else in life. We are all different and I know not everyone wants to take such steps but in my mind starting with a clean slate like that is the most honest and supportive way to start and when I have done it in the past I have had nothing but support back from others. Work particularly were amazing. I was a social worker with the NHS and my supervisor and line managers could not have been more helpful. I think we often imagine in our minds that being honest is the scariest thing ever but it really isn't. Anyway, have a think about it and let us know what you decide. Deceipt, hiding, manipulative beahviour etc, thats all part of the addiction isn't it? Honestly and open-mindedness blows the lid off it not to mention relieves so much pressure from us as we can finally, be honest about who we are and what we have done. There's not many out there that get things right in life which is why most people are as understanding and supportive as they are. You said it yourself, you woudn't wish gambling addiction on your worst enemy and nobody would wish it on you and us. Be strong and make the right choices. You know that thoughts of ending it all are not an option, they never are.

Thinking of you a lot as I live through today. You really aren't alone, please have faith in that and some consolation, that's what's always kept me going. Take care, Simon.

Hi Simon 

thank you for your kind words at this hour. I have finally managed to make it through the front door and have just crawled into bed. If I’m honest, it was mainly because I was getting desperate to go to toilet and was freezing. I wouldn’t recommend to anyone to sleep in their car in this weather - this is what this madness drives us to do. 

I appreciate your advice but in regards to telling work, I’m not sure that’s something I can handle right now. Same with the family. I will be honest with my daughter as I’m left with little choice but I can’t cope with the rest right now - maybe in time. 

When ive has some sleep, I will have a look for your diary so I know more about your story. For now I hope you get some sleep or rather, already had a good night sleep if you are posting on here at this time in the morning. 

Lonely

Morning..

I just wanted to say .  Today is a new day and a new start. 

I cant offer any other advice than what everyone else has offered. Mainly because I am at the start of my journey too. 

One thing that has helped me is coming on here and reading other peoples stories. They give me hope. 

Sending love and positive thoughts. Xxx

Hey Lonely

I am so sorry to read your recent troubles. I am getting sheer despair from your posts and I know exactly how that feels. I once created an online account for my daughter (with her permission) but I was only supposed to transfer her a low amount and use her card. I cleared her entire back account and couldn’t pay back. I had to get one of those ridiculously high instant payday loans. My daughter went balistic and I felt TERRIBLE.

she did forgive me though and yours will too. All you need is time. She maybe angry at first and she’s entitled to be but you’re her mum and she will love you unconditionally and indefinitely. I hope you sleep ok.

we’re all here right behind you Also unconditionally.

take care of you

Em x

So glad  to hear at you made it home Bex. I know that you have some difficult things to work through but I hope you can see from here that you are not alone. Take good care x

Hello bex.. Sorry to read about your day yesterday..

I do hope life gets easier and you are able to see and think more clearly.. Do try to get so.me  sleep and rest and if any of us here can help we will.

Please pop into chat.. Will be nice to talk xx 

Boo 

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Morning everyone, thank you for all of your support. I am overwhelmed at how many people have posted and given their support - it really does mean a lot. 

I finally got out of my car about 5.50am this morning and creeped into the house as I was pretty sure my daughter would be asleep and not still waiting up -awful I know. I was so cold, tired and hungry I didn’t have the mental capacity to have a verbal altercation, I just needed some sleep to  help sort my thoughts. 

Roll on to 8.30am this morning, I have had a bout 2 hours sleep and my daughter comes in my room and says mum it’s 8.30 you need to get up for work. Then says I’m guessing you are avoiding me - already working out pretty much what I have done. She said she couldn’t understand why and things had been going so well. If I could understand really why myself then maybe I could explain why to her but in all honesty I don’t know what to say. Why is a very good question? Why would I choose to have no petrol, no food, hurt everyone around me and for what? What did I actually get from it other than a number of hours panicking about how much I’d already lost. And I guess that’s why it is called addiction. No one in their right mind would make that decision to torture themselves for the number of hours gambling to then endure a month or months struggling to survive with the basics. If there was the choice of brain surgery I would certainly opt for it right now even with the risks because they would be a lot lower then the risk of me loosing all my money when I choose to gamble.

After not being able to explain very well my daughter asked what needed to be paid. I said the two main things would be the rent and money in my account for her car tax. Everything else is in my name so I will contact them or suffer the consequences. She stated she had already paid the rent which was no 1 on my list of worry’s. not that I’m happy she’s had to pay it, but relieved that it is paid. She didn’t react quite how I expected. The last time which was about 14 months ago she got angry and shouted at me. Today she was calm and was matter of fact- I don’t know which is worst to be honest. She then said she was going to work and we would talk about it this evening. I’m not sure if I feel sicker about having to wait for then or whether this will allow me to gather all of my thoughts before then and maybe be able to answer any questions a bit better. One thing I do know is that I will be home when she gets home from work to talk. Even if I wanted to avoid having the conversation, my fuel light is on in my car so I am not able to go anywhere. Karma!!!

I now have some time today to gather my thoughts, get as much done in the way of contacting places I can’t pay this month, making sure every single possible route to gamble to in place starting with reducing the withdrawal amount on my nationwide account until I can close this permanently, which is why I was able to do so much damage. I need to phone the people back regarding the bingo hall ban as they have emailed to say they will need to speak to me over the phone to action this so that is no1 on my to do list. That is the only place left that I would choose to gamble at, once that’s gone there isn’t anywhere I would go. I’ve never set foot in a casino or bookies and I have no plans to ever do so but I may complete their self exclusion processes to ensure this can never happen. This time I’m getting in front of it and looking at every loop hole there could possibly be to make sure I can’t gamble, no matter the urge. 

I’m going to try and get an hour or two more sleep before getting into action as my head is still feeling fuzzy but certainly better then yesterday. 

My gratitude goes out to everyone who posted and offered their kindness, advice and support. You were there when I needed it the most when I needed to hear that voice of reason that I couldn’t give myself. Big hugs to all of you, especially Drama and Murlo who kept checking in on me and sending me encouraging words to get me to go home. Two wonderful ladies who nicking Drama’s words “ are definitely good eggs”.    It took a while but I made it eventually so that I have the opportunity to start on this recovery for the last and final time. 

Lastly, a big thank you to the two lovely chat admins who sat and chatted to me for ages until I felt calmer and more rational. Truly worthy of medals for the number of lives I expect they have helped save. I guess we should never underestimate the power of talking.

So glad you made it home and that you've started to put the blocks in place that you need. It was awful to read how low you were last night but it made me think if I keep going the way I have been I could be in that position one day and it scared me. I really hope you and your daughter can sort things out and wish you all the best in your recovery.

Thanks Russ and the fun has stopped. 

Im just sitting down to sort stuff out now. Looking into the issue of my nationwide account I have realised that I can do a full bank switch to my Monzo which will transfer the last direct debit for car tax from my nationwide account into my Monzo which is the only reason I still had it open so once that direct debit has gone out today that’s what I will do. This will stop the ability of being able to take stupid amounts of cash out a day. 

I’ve not long woke up and feeling a bit better. I checked my phone and my daughter has sent me a text that simply said “ I love you”. 

That gives me so many mixed emotions. Happiness for the fact she still loves me but utter sadness that I have done this to her again. Even if she does forgive me, I’m not sure I will forgive myself for the pain and stress I’ve caused her. I’ve always tried to be my best at being a mum making sure she’s loved and always there for her. I’ve made a point of not drinking so she’s only seen me druunk once in her 21 years and that was when she was 19 and we were both on holiday. We both got really, really drunk and it didn’t well but we both laugh our heads off thinking about it - a memory I will treasure forever. Even then I was still playing mum in my worse-for-wear drunken state holding her hair back. 

Ive always been conscious to do everything I could to be a good mum but somehow despite all the things Ive done, it’s pretty much all taken away by the fact I’ve got a gambling addiction. I would actually happily swap a limb or donate an organ to someone if I could wake up tomorrow and be cured. Unfortunately I know that addictions don’t work like that but what I have leant is that each relapse is ultimately ten times worse then the last in terms of feelings and solutions so I need to make sure this is the last one ever, as I’m not sure if survive another one. That is my focus from here on in. I can’t allow this addiction to play with my life anymore so I am going to put everything single thing in place possible to make sure it never happens again. 

Bex,

It sounds a though you have really organised yourself today. I know everything is still so raw to treat yourself gently too. The text from your daughter says so much, I hope that has eased you a little xx

Hi Murlo

Amazing what one day can do to your mindset. Yes the text has helped me realise that even if she’s incredibly angry, she still loves me so that gives me hope. I went in chat this afternoon and that was also helpful, lots of warm welcomes from people who gave support on my diary last night. Other than getting up for two much needed cups of coffee after the long night I have spent most of the time laying in bed reading other diaries. One sounded very similar to mine so I hope they come back and read the words I left them. Today that solution seems drastic but yesterday it was very real.

Im going to get up and do the housework and prepare something nice for dinner. At least it’s something productive. Then I’m going to put a few bits on a selling page to try and make up some of the damage I’ve caused. I’ve neglected the housework for the last half a week so there is plenty to do to keep me busy. 

Lonely get back in the Gamcare room as quick as you can your friends and the MOD from gamcare will help you. 

Stop now cold turkey, no trying to win the money back. You haveto quit and get the support you need to stay quit and for godsake please don't do anything stupid.

Evening lonelysoul

Just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that I, and many others are thinking of you this evening whilst you speak with your daughter.

I hope that once all is out in the open then your recovery becomes easier each day, and you can go on to lead a fulfilling GF life from here on in.

Always here for you, stronger together.

Mark

X

Hi Johnny thanks for the advice. I have already done all of the suggest above. 

So so this afternoon I have done some housework, done the washing up and about to cook dinner. I’m feeling incredibly sick right now - I’m not sure if this is because I’ve only eaten a cheeseburger in the last 72 hours or because the time is approaching for my daughter to finish work and the worst it yet to come. Trying to explain the reason for my latest relapse which I’m still trying understand the real reason myself. I’m also still waiting for a phone all to exclude myself from the bingo club which I just want over and done with. 

Was it because my wages were down and I thought I could win a little to cover it? My mind tricking me into thinking I had some control. The pressure I’ve put myself under to try and clear my debts in the next year in the hope to get a mortgage in a few years time and increase my credit score or because I’ve been under a lot of stress for various reasons work and personal. I don’t know which one of these it is if I’m perfectly honest or if they were all contributing factors. All I know is that all of the above sound completely illogical considering the circumstances, especially to a non-gambler. Even to myself in my rational state. For starters I didn’t make up the shortfall, I’ve created a shortfall of Mount Everest, I’m now behind on my debt schedule and created more debt, and lastly created so much more stress for myself then I had to start with. Questions keep going round in my mind, why, why, why? Maybe I will never really understand or know the answers. 

The only answer I have right now is I must not ever gamble again.