SadG wants to be happyG

Your situation with your wife is quite similar to mine. My wife knows that I gambled and lost a lot in the past, but she thought that I have just stopped all of a sudden. I think generally it is hard for non-gamblers to understand the gambling addiction and how sometimes it not about winning but to feed an addiction - and even if we win we still feel miserable. Similarly, the things I buy for the house and 2 year old daughter depends on how I did gambling the day before. The family experiences an up and down cycle of spending because of my gambling. Once I am sure that I have rid myself of this habit, then I will probably tell her what gambling has done to me over the past 10+ years.

Hi sadg, i have been thinking a lot about your open heart felt post recentely ! it got me thinking why your wife has never questioned you about it and did she really care ? i was wondering if she maybe asian or another nationality because that would make sense. My wife is exactly the same, she is asian and i am english but even though she knows i have wasted so much of our money she never talks about it. Its almost like a denial or respect thing where she does not want to go to a place that would put pressure on our relationship ! in so many other ways she supports me but in this one she says nothing ! its bizare !

Anyhow this is the situation we find ourselves in, i wish i could turn the clock back ! but of course i cannot, sickening isnt it ? Strangest thing is, this without doubt be the the most difficult challenge of my life so far (stopping gambling) it has almost destroyed my life and that is not over stating the severity of this crippling disease.

Thanks to good friends like yourself/bear and others, i may just have found the cure ! 62 days so far and still not gambling. For sure i know what those feelings are like to want to start again but i just have to keep saying NO & NO & NO i want a better life for my family and me. Take care sadg, im looking forward to the trek ! after sampling this latest cold weather, can we consider the great wall of china as another option 🙂

Dark Place

SadG,

I just read through your post from last week concerning telling/not telling your wife about the reality of your gambling. It's a difficult situation and I guess there is no right or wrong answer. I suppose perhaps you might ask yourself exactly WHY you want to tell her? I also agree that open-ness and honesty further down the line (having clocked up some serious time away from gambling) counts for much more than spilling the beans when at your lowest ebb. When I've told family about my problems is typically when I'm crumbled - and have reached the bottom with no money/options, and not sure where to turn. They always say how much my being honest means to them, and how it takes a lot of guts to own up... but I'm not sure that's really the case. In that moment of desperation - it seems almost like a selfish act; having to confide in them to save myself/alleviate the pressure and burden.

Knowing how to communicate with your partner can be difficult. My fiancee knows pretty much everything about my addiction, but as a non-gambler I think there's still a fundamental lack of understanding/acceptance about the whole thing. The sad thing is this often causes me to react in a child-like way to her:

Scenario 1 - she carries on with normality, up-beat about everyday life. I react petulantly, thinking 'doesn't she know how much of a mess I/we are in? Can't she see how screwed up I am?'

Cheers D123

G.

I will only share my openhearted experiences here because i feel it helped me so much that in turn it may help others.

I told my wife about the impending doom my compulsion to gamble because i in the first instance had no choice.

Gambling battered me; beat me up took all i could give and more. Most of all my self esteem.i truly did hit the bottom and took my wife and kids with me.

That first days abstinence i went into ga broken.

I walked out with hope. Not to save and fix things, but hope that i could actually live without a punt.

Through the next day we went to court and got a stay of execution from having our house re posessed.

That day i was emotionally broken, my wife was a rock.

I gave her control of the finances so i told her it all.

It worked, still does, i don't need money in my pockets,it is better in the bank.

My wife is my best friend,21 yrs we have lived as one, our three kids have endured so much through my addiction too.

So to end i wanted to share recovery with them, warts and all,they all understand my urges and sometimes why i shun the outside world. To protect myself and in turn them to.

The good things that have happened this last 364 days have been through a joint effort, my friend they far outweigh the bad. I am so proud of them all and it feels through this journey i have gained there respect again.

I am sorry to have hijacked your thread, but hope in some way i helped.

I will say this as i believe it true.

Recovery is bespoke, no text book to follow, just one common goal.

To abstain and maintain.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi g

Not posted to u b4 but followed u on other diaries and notice u give some great solid advice and support , its people like u that make this site the truly remarkable place it is , well done for taking the time to support others whilst continuing in ur own recoveries

Hope things go well with the Mrs

Castle2

Day 66

Thanks everyone for your great words of advice and comfort.

DP no my wife is not asian, She is just a little wrapped up in her own world a bit too much to really consider my gambling addiction. I got absolutely no support from her whatsoever when I gave up the first time. She never asks how I feel, never asked to see our bank statements, never read up about addiction and has shown no interest ever since I first told her. Maybe on one occasion she asked me if I'd stopped gambling and of course I just lied and said yes. She shrugged her shoulders and said fine as if that was her doing her bit. Great thanks a bunch. I know that as long as I support her financially she just buries her head in the sand and pretends things aren't happening. It's hard to take at times. I can't be like that. I have to face things, be organised, be adventurous. She will always be happy to let others do things for her(muggins here). I've always been honest about everything apart from my gambling addiction. That paints a bad picture of her which is a little unfair. I just wish she showed a lot more zest, ambition and adventure for life. We have been together a long time and I love her very much. I still ultimately realise that I've been the selfish one. I gambled our family money away. Only they don't know that. Only I do. I'm the one with the addiction not my wife.

So after I slipped last year I got on this site for the first time. This site and the people on it have been my salvation not my wife. I guess that's why I'm not ready to tell her. She has no idea I log on here regularly and say how I feel and how I'm in recovery. She could have really helped me last year and we could have avoided the losses incurred in 2012 but then would that have really stopped me gambling. I don't know. I had to hit rock bottom really to truly know that I'd had it with gambling. Not sure my wife could have saved me if I was intent on self destructing in secrecy whilst I was in London away from home. That's the reality of it all. Sure I'd have liked my wife to take control of our finances but I may still have found a way to gamble. Addicted gamblers have dark secrets. The lies, the deceit, the hiding of evidence. Bank statements, betting slips etc

Thankfully I have seen the light and now walk a different path. One to recovery and abstaining forever. I feel great for not gambling the last 66 days. My second post on the first page of this thread was a message to Hugh saying I could only dream of being 68 days gamble free yet here I am just 2 days away. I am in a good place but it is me and the people of Gamcare who have put me in this good place and I will be eternally grateful to you all for your support. I am getting my life back. A life I forgot even existed it's been so long. Duncan had I told my wife straight away maybe I wouldn't be writing this and she would be my rock as is your wife. She sounds like an amazing woman.

DarkPlace it's great that you're still interested in the Trek. Come March time as long as I can get an all clear from the physio I will begin a serious program of training and will keep you posted on everything.

Thanks again everyone for your kind words. Truly great people write on this site.

There will be no gambling today.

G

Hi G,

A belated thank you for the post in my diary. I have been reading chunks of yours and find it truly inspiring that you have turned the difficulty of abstaining from gambling into the opportunity to do different and better things with your life. Still early stages for me so struggling to think of anything other than the day to day don't gamble.

I understand your reluctance to tell your wife about your gambling. I know my other half would not understand and I don't think I could find the strength to handle his derision as well as the strength to beat my addiction. I think we each have to find the strategy that works and try not to beat ourselves up over its shortcomings.

Anyway, thanks again and here's to another day gamble free.

This that'd and another has inspired me to join up in this site, it has taken me 2 yrs to lose close to 20,000, I really thought I could win it all back and chase my losses, I get a win for 7,500 and think I'm on my way, only till literally a week later and it's all back in the banks of the online bookies. Feel sick, selfish and stupid. If someone told me that they had done what I had done then I couldn't understand it. With that money I could have done a lot to the house and take the family away on a holiday, but no.... I watch any sport on tv just to bet. I can't watch any sport without placing a bet, my partner doesn't know whatsoever but I think she has some suspicion.

I'm on day 3 and this thread has been a total inspiration to me, please continue! I envy you and hope to follow your standards.

I know much of this isn't relevant to your thread but I couldn't stop typing and letting it all out!

Thank you G, thank you

Hey G

Still 3 days behind me...well done!

Shame you have to do it on your own but just shows your determination.

Think you need to organize a gamcare sponser for your treck...I'm sure lots of us will dig deep for ya.

Sue x

Hello mate,

Good to see your doing so well, you give me great strength g in beating this addiction, I feel I'm a stronger, wiser and happier person, were gonna do this!! Haven't been on in a while just been busy with work and not really had the time as my mrs is always around lol, on the baby front, we found out yesterday were expecting a little girl so I'm over the moon at the minute, gonna need all the many I can get lol, all the best

Simmo

Hey G, hope you are still doing ok?

Thinking about your issues with your MRS. I used to be in a serious relationship (I wasn't married but we were living together) my mrs knew of my gambling issues, she wasn't a great support, she didn't seem to realise the physical, emotional and financial stress this addiction puts on us. She would just say " why don't you just stop" and think it was that easy. I didn't get a lot of support from her and she didn't really ask questions unless my financial situation was getting in the way of her plans.

It is really hard and I guess you are lucky that mentally you are very strong and have found some great support through your diary. Maybe one day she will understand or will read this diary.

On a more positive note you are doing really well, smashing through the days!

Hey Sad G,

Just popping by to see if you are getting closer to being just G again, those days are really mounting up. As you say you could only dream of racking up so many gamble free days in the begining but look at you now, you have done it and are continuing to do so.

I am back on day one I am afraid but I look at your days and dare to dream I could reach such totals once again, ODAAT we CAN do this

Stay safe and strong

Paulds

On my opening page I got a post from Hugh saying he was 68 days gamble free and I answered by saying I could only dream of going that long without a bet.

I am 68 days gamble free. It's not a dream any more. I don't feel relieved that I got this far, I feel strong. I know I am in a much better place right now and am learning a lot about myself. Forgot who I was for a long time. Kind of lost my identity. I only knew myself as an addicted gambler. Plenty of money problems but so much more in control of my life. I wake with a clear head every day after a good nights sleep.

Having been hitting the gym constantly, working on the 6 pack for my holiday in Barbados in April. Gotta get a beach bod for that. Sadly I couldn't afford to pay for the holiday myself due to my gambling addiction. It is a present from my parents. They used to be teachers in Barbados many years ago and still have a huge love for the island. I've been very lucky to go there several times on holiday when I was younger and docked there every week for 6 months when I used to work on cruise ships but haven't been back in a while so really looking forward to that. Without gambling in my life I hope to get my savings back in order in the coming years and hope to be able to pay for holidays like that. One day maybe.

So working hard in the gym, practising my guitar chords and watching a few films. Also got right into a medieval series called Game of Thrones. Just watched the entire first series in the last 3 days. Really liked it. Series 2 boxset out soon and season 3 starting in March.

Just feels good to be doing something other than gambling.

68 days down. Onwards to the big 100. Don't really like setting targets but 100 days would be a nice one to hit.

Have a great week everybody. I wish you well in your recoveries.

G

Hi g

What an inspirational post , its post like that should be put on new intro section for people like urself 68 days ago to read to see how there is hope and lives can be turned around

Massive well done it Maes me so happy to read that kind of post I can feel the strength and determination jump of the page

And its all down to u making the right choices

Castle2

Hi sadg, congrats on 68 days ! im just 2 behind you. Would love to go to barbados, just the tranquil and relaxed life style it appears to be there.

Have a great weekend yourself, dark place