Day one.
Here we go again. This is my second time on this site, I had not gambled in approximately 7/8 months until in the early hours of yesterday morning I gambled £50.00 online whilst intoxicated. I had the horrendous feeling of when you wake up and after two seconds it hits home what you have done.
I am 26 years old and I have been a compulsive gambler for the last ten. The earliest memories I have are spending weekends in the arcade wit my dad and waiting outside a bookies for my mum. Don't get me wrong they were good parents but teaching a six year old how to cheat a fruit machine is not normal or very responsible.
However I take full responsibility for my adult actions. My addiction has always been blackjack, used to be very lucky and would walk away with often a very nice sized win. Never played in the casino always online. Three years ago I started to realise I had a serious problem, lieing, stealing, spending pay packs in hours, never buying anything new and becoming very isolated. In the last three years I have never withdrawn a penny, it now is the process I am addicted to, adding the money and picking a seat at the table. If I win I don't even care, it's the buzz of the process. Nothing else compares.
So like I said I stopped for 7/8 months and my life has really improved. Great boyfriend, lovely flat, nice cloths, always doing things. My life is getting to where I want and need it to be.
I have spent probably over 40k in the past ten years not including wins but that £50.00 the other night is by far the most depressing and I am gutted I am starting again. I started to play the lottery couple months ago and thought that would be ok because I was not gambling online, in all honesty I cannot get involved in any type of gambling. Not even a raffle.
I have referred myself for counselling again and I am actually looking forward to speaking more about my upbringing and future ambitions.
I am focused and will use this diary to assist my journey and hopefully support and receive support from others.
Thanks all. Daniel.
Hi Daniel,
Welcome back, and what an honest post from the heart,.
We can never win because we can not stop if we start again, but you did stop after 50 you knew that sick feeling, take that as a big positive, and move forward, one day at a time, you can do this, keep posting, and keep believing in yourself.
Best wishes
Suzanne xx
Thanks Suzanne.
Have spent the last hour reading your diary and I have found it very inspiring. I will post every day and be as honest as I possibly can.
Daniel
Welcome back, so pleased that you stopped where you did and didn't continue.
I like you played blackjack, I used to enjoy it and had some good wins from there I guess I was hooked. I have been gambling on and off for about 8 years. But just over two weeks ago reached my rock bottom.
You have done so well, don't let this relapse faulter your progress, it is so easy to slip into the vicious cycle of gambling, chasing losses and lying.
Keep it up, keep posting in your diary and choose not to gamble tomorrow
Hi I haven't been on here long but already I am 100 per cent certain it was the right time and right decision to stop. What I am weening myself of is looking back at my losses and instead giving myself an family treats and afterwards compare what I got for my money I.e took daughter for meal and it cost me a well spent 30 for a lovely evening compared to 100s for what? Like you, I became immune to the highs, just playing purely out of habit. Did have niggles at first but they do wain an am finding I know longer look on the laptop as a gambling machine. Have installed K9 on all devices so that helps. Friends have started coming to see me again as I became a bit of a hermit as gambling was my priority. With the support of this forum you will soon be in a better place both financially an emotionally an that's one thing I will bet on! Take care Mary
Day 2
Thanks guys for your comments, very nice to have some support and hear other people's stories. Have taken such great comfort from the amount of people on such a powerful journey.
Today has been ok, work busy and have a few drinks with friends. A few friends know about my situation but I am conscious not to talk to much about my situation because I do not want gambling to define me.
However I am not afraid of being honest anymore.
Daniel
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