SillyBoy1981 - Day1

Day-88

In all of the madness & crazy times we live in right now with the pandemic of the Coronavirus I would have thought that the government would have enforced a shut down of online gambling as I’m assuming it’s not aiding or assisting mental health...

I personally am still going strong with my sobriety & gambling free. I’ve no interest or want in breaking that.

But I think that this is a good point in time for someone to step in & change the measures on this awful business.

Speak again soon

Day-91

Sobriety is still strong & gambling free..

Ive recently been thinking a lot about my days milestones of sobriety, in that I was looking at a countdown to 100 days & starting to view that as a negative because I’m seeing it as a countdown.. I’m trying to move my mind away from that thinking as it’s a milestone & there’s new ones beyond that but I want to recognise it for it being a big moment in my recovery.. Is that a bad think that I’m giving myself recognition?

Also with giving myself milestones of days to work towards with my sobriety am I not now feeding a beast of greed of days? Is that a positive or a negative? I feel very confused at the minute with what I deem to be accepted in how I look at this.

Do not get what I am saying wrong, I am happy with my life choice & do not wish to or want to gamble, I am in no way saying what’s the point I am just thinking that I’m fuelling a need for another addiction of day counting & is that right?

Speak again soon..

Day-98

Sobriety is strong & doing really well.

With the new world we are finding ourselves in my questioning of so many things has increased significantly.  

Even without the the change from COVID-19 I was questioning the rights & wrongs of day counting as another or different addiction... Am I creating a new addiction beast? What addictions are good & bad? Are these goods & bads acceptable? Who decides what they are & if they are?

Im 2 days off of a great milestone but it’s a foot note in my sobriety as this for me is a life choice. I don’t miss the gambling in fact I feel towards it the same way an ex smoker looks at smoking... I see all of the pit falls & bad points all so clearer.

I think I’m now going to look at putting a diary of current thoughts & events into this diary as there’s so many uncertain things that I/we are experiencing... They can’t be answered but I need to express myself & what they are as I need them out of my head..

Speak again soon

Day-99

Ive got 99 problems but “Gambling” ain’t 1!!!!

Sobriety stronger & stronger with each & every passing day.

Speak again soon!

Day-100

100 days ticked on my life style change & loving my sobriety..

I have mixed feelings about this milestone that I have reached but one I am proud of in the fact that I wanted something more & something better for myself... I am seeing this come to fruition in these early times still but it is how I am doing that I am proud of & what it means to me & how it enables me to be present with my loved ones..

Gambling is an invisible drug... It is an invisible sickness & one that you need to own before you can be your own cure... Talking to everyone & asking for help is a crutch or walking stick... The only way you can beat or live with this illness is by accepting it for what it is & owning it!

I am on that first step & will continue to climb my Everest... 

Speak again soon...

Dear @sillyboy1981,

congratulations on 100 days gf. Congratulations on the work you've put in and glad to see it is paying off.

Keep posting, keep sharing and keep thriving.

All the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin 

Day-107

Sobriety is good... Lockdown & Covid-19 not swaying anything thoughts for me either...

Speak again soon

Day-109

Sobriety is great & strong right now..

Spent yesterday in my garden with my son & my GF... We played basketball, had an egg & spoon race & generally had a great time in one another’s company... This actually blows my mind of how amazing life can be when you’re with the ones you love the most (and I mean being with them in the moment).

If I was in the mind space of this time last year right now going through this lockdown I can’t say honestly if I’d have been the same or would be the same as I am right now... And I look back at my old self with guilt & anger... But also with sorrow.

This is more drive to not be that man as he isn’t good to himself or anyone else.

I love my family & I love life... Gambling doesn’t fit in anywhere!

Speak again soon! 

Day-110

Just a quick note to self to say keep it going...

Speak again soon.... One Hundred & Ten days!!!!!!!

Day-120

Ooooooosh!!! Sobriety still as strong as ever & no inkling or urge to want to break it..

Happy life choice & happier mindset!

Speak again soon! *****120 DAYS***** WOW

Day-150 ***

Ive woken up today feeling proud & strong to where I currently sit on my road of sobriety...  Looking within & trying to find that positive mental attitude isn’t always easy but the want & will to be a better person for myself & the bigger picture gives me a great deal of strength.

At 13:22pm today it will mark a milestone of 150 days free of gambling! I struggle with a lot of problems, from mental health, self doubt, self worth, am I a good or bad parent, am I a good or bad partner...? And so much more.. Even when I’m in a good place & things are going well I don’t believe I deserve them because of the faults & problems that I have caused before them... I feel that self harm (non physical) to myself is the only way sometimes that I can personally accept the hurt I have caused to others... This is something I’m trying to work on every day & it hits me like a whirlwind out of nowhere sometimes...

Every morning is a struggle & a challenge that I have to take on... In my head & in front of me, as the smallest of things to others are the biggest things to me.. BUT I’m getting there a little at a time.

Im still working on being present in the moment & not having that dark emotion on gloom sit over me where I am vacant in my surroundings with the ones I love because I’m sad for the things I’m the past I’ve done & because I’m working through my demons of mental health & depression... 

BUT... Today is a good day... I am 150 days & counting with my sobriety of gambling & this is something I am proud of! Gambling isn’t an easy thing to come away from, it isn’t something you can be told to stop... It is something you have to have the will to want to stop by yourself & choose & accept that this is a lifestyle choice that you want... Well this is the way I am approaching this & it is making me happy!

Im still working on me... I’m still reflecting on me.. BUT I have come a long way from where I was & that is a big first step for where I’m going..

speak again soon!

Day-153

Today is 153 days great in my sobriety & being gambling free!

Thats means that for 5 months or 21.6 weeks or 153 days I’ve been able to tackle something that has hindered & held me down! 

These are still early days in my sobriety but ones I’m glad that I’m making. There has been a lot of testing times & moments in these first 5 months but for someone that gambled for over 20yrs I think I’ve done pretty well with what I have put in place for myself, so yeah I’m going to tell myself today that i deserve a pat on my back & not feel embarrassed or ashamed about it!

The road ahead is long & will 100% put in front of me more testing times, I hope that the network of family I have around me & the network of guides & aids I use will keep my life choice of sobriety strong & intact..

Gambling is seen by some to be black & white that it’s a choice to do it & to stop it...  I don’t personally agree that it’s this way but everyone has the right to what they believe is their view or opinion on something.  For me Gambling is a dark demon that consumes your emotions & your thoughts.. It removes you from reality & gives you a false sense of invincibility & then pulls the curtains back of reality once it’s taken you... It then owns you as it’s slave even if you do or you don’t want to be part of the ride you’re in that seat & there isn’t an exit...

Just writing this i hear all of those voices & demons & thoughts of gambling... It fills me full of anxiety & panic!

The only way I’ve found to get off the ride or to remove myself from the fairground of gambling is to be open & honest... First & foremost with myself, then with those closest to me in my girlfriend.  This was so daunting as a thought 153 days ago BUT when I opened up & spoke about it all I can honestly say that it was like an awakening & a baptism of something safe.  I’d put trust in myself to want to beat this addiction, I’d put trust in myself to wanting to be honest about this addiction & id put trust in that i was going to tell my partner about everything & I mean everything... The money I’d used & where I’d got it from, the debt I had racked up, the financial & emotion position I was in... I unloaded everything I had in me & I was drained... On that day then I rang the gambling line & I broke down again in tears but I opened up about everything, I had my girlfriend with me & we both spoke to the other person on the end of the line & they advised & listened to both sides of what was happening... I signed up to all of the stoppers you can to the electronics of blockers... I have all my banking details over to my partner & went through my incoming & outgoings, the available balance left now gets transferred into a savings account that I don’t have access to (obviously unless it’s properly required for things that are 100% not gambling related)... I spoke to councillors, about gambling & my mental health... 

Because I was not in control & I was not balanced needed to relinquish control... This was by no means easy & I challenged it as it was tough & unsettling... But i knew that if I truly wanted to beat this I had to be honest & I had to ask & I had to use the help that was in front of me.

I know I couldn’t put a blocker as such on the high street shops for gambling but i found that because I relinquished control & of my bank account & went through my availability of money I looked at the high street shops in a completely different light... They’re not a coffee shop where you’re meeting up with friends for a chat... They’re not a comfort to me, they’re a leech on you... 

You need to make a new normal & a new pattern for yourself as the ones that you were using before didn’t help or work... Look at everything on the small side & not at the larger view... Like focus on not going to the gambling shop for 1 day & tucking that off on a diary & be openly happy that you’ve achieved that goal & realise that it is a big first step that you’ve achieved it... Try not to focus on the never ever going in there again... It’s the constant small gains of bearing this addiction that drive me forward in my sobriety... Keeping this online diary, talking openly about it to my girlfriend, keeping a written journal about to highs & lows of what I’m feeling, tallying the days of my sobriety & giving myself milestones & goals in year 1 to achieve... Then moving that onto year 2 & so on... That will be a never ending goal but I have found that simply counting days wasn’t enough to focus me... 

I have by no means beaten gambling or do I believe that I am completely exempt from its draw... But I know I have the ability in me now to say no... I have the strength to look at gambling for what it is & not want to do it.

Something that sticks with me that my councillor said to me a long time ago was “It’s ok to not be ok”...

Talking & honesty are key for what I’m going through. I am a happy 153 days in my sobriety & I live in Hope & happiness that this continues!

Speak again soon!

 SillyBoy1981,

Thank you for continuing to update the forum on your success. Congratulations on 153 days GF. 

I am sure that your diary will be very useful for many users to read - keep posting. 

Rebecca,

Forum Admin

Hi Rebecca @forum-admin

Thank you for your words & taking the time to read my thoughts.

Every day I’m trying

Day-166

So today marks the 166th day of my sobriety & I’m glad & happy with how I’m doing...

The “lockdown” “coronavirus” doesn’t seem to have effected me with the mental attachment I thought it would have done & it certainly hasn’t made me think or want to reopen the wound of gambling... So I am blessed that I am building a good pathway for those feelings & thoughts & impulses... Long may my strength in my sobriety continue..!

Friday last week I was dealt somewhat of awful news & right now I can’t make sense or any understanding of my feelings & emotions towards it... I had a call from my Dad telling me that he’s got Cancer... I can’t imagine how he felt getting that news from the Dr nor the strength it would have taken to call me & pass that news on... 

I feel pretty much lost & confused with what I am supposed to do or how I’m supposed to act?!... Me a few years back would have gone off the rails & brought my life crashing down with drink... Or I’d sink my head into gambling.... Or I’d run away literally to put myself through pain as I wouldn’t know any other way of dealing with this??

Right now in my life I don’t want to do any of those & I don’t intend to do so anytime soon... My life needs stability for myself, my son & my partner... I can’t afford the luxury of my pasts selfish natures... 

I need to be strong but I don’t know how? I feel weak & i don’t know what I can do?

I’m expressing my thoughts & my emotions as I know that historically this has been my undoing & downfall that I’ve kept this all on my own, but I know now that I need to speak out... Until I know what I’m supposed to do I need to keep talking & carry on being supportive to myself & my family.

Speak again soon!