Stalwart Stephen's Diary - A Negativity Free Zone

Posted by: Stalwart Stephen

Sadly I will have to let a couple of people down but I don't suppose they will be too surprised.

Hi Stephen

I'm sorry to read about your recent relapse and continual struggles with the gambling. I felt compelled to send you something supportive today as I follow your diaries and it breaks my heart each time the gambling gets the better of you...

Gambling for you seems to be 'death my a thousand cuts' as opposed to the utter destruction in a short space of time that one becomes accustomed to on here. In many ways you find yourself in a more vulnerable place than most because gambling is grinding you down gradually and methodically without ever actually doing acute damage to force you into a life change.

I remember reading before that you were living on packets of rice and noodles as a result of having no money. You were losing weight as a result of this malnutrition and self-neglect then were expressing this weight loss as an achievement. I highlighted the quote above because it really signifies what gambling has been slowly doing to your self-image... A year ago when I was in the depths of my addiction I would think things like this because frankly - I didn't care about myself, I didn't care what other people thought about me and most importantly - I had no self-esteem. 

Nowadays the comment you made would be intolerable to me, if it were the case that people saw me in this negative light then I would have to do something about this, the situation would need addressing, not for them, for me. Yes I was a gambler before and I failed as a provider for my wife and child, but today I am a proud man and I endeavour to be the best person I can possibly be; this includes changing my perception of who I am which in turn will change those around me in relation to how they view me, the transformation does the talking, actions speak louder than words.

Do you get where I'm coming from with all this? I want to steer clear of this message to you being perceived as some sort of character assassination, it's quite the opposite - I just feel your struggle like it was my own and I just feel you need to hear this for the benefit of working a proper and effective recovery...

I don't know if you've ever attended GA or are an existing member - but one of the core beliefs associated with their program is that "willpower will never be enough to beat this addiction"

Its a tough one to swallow but sadly I definitely think this is the case in your case! And what's worrying for me reading your diaries is that I think this is what each one of your diaries is fuelled with!

Every diary starts with you saying the right things, but one gets the impression that over time you are just relying more and more on this willpower that will never be enough. 

Because you offer support throughout other diaries on here people offer their support in return, but again, other peoples support won't be enough to help you kick this my friend.

How can you have so much love for other people but such little love for yourself? Reference - eating rice and noodles for a month and letting people down for money but assuming it will be ok because they don't take you seriously in the first place?

I haven't forgotten what you posted on my diary once:

Keep right on to the end of the road
Keep right on to the end
If the way be long, let your heart be strong
Keep right on round the bend

If your tired and weary still journey on
'Till you come to your happy abode
Where all you love that your dreaming of
Will be there at the end of the road

If you want a piece of this promised land I believe you need to do away with the words and willpower now (they lose potency each time you start a new diary) and replace some of this with pure pragmatism.

How are you allowing your money to enter the bank account then be sent straight back out for gambling? Who can control your finances for now? How are you gambling? At the bookies? Will you setup self-exclusion? What are you doing to fill your time up? Is there enough meaning in your life? Can you change this by implementing more meaningful activities? Have you explored a GA meeting? Have you spoken to your GP about possibly accessing therapeutic services to address some of the direct gambling issues and consequent low self-image and self-esteem issues that you are currently consumed by?

I could go on mate... But you know the score by now... 

Please do something about the merry-go-round youre on, but please do something from left field - fancy words and optimism are just not working for you are they... Be a man of action now.

If you disagree with everything I've said then the only other conclusion I can draw from your diaries is that you are actually not ready to give up gambling, you are actually fairly comfortable in your lifestyle and in fact are just lonely and thrive on the social interaction that you get from the forum. The gambling will never leave your life as it is in the fact the very thing that keeps you on here.

I hope the above is not the case at all... 

Only you know who you really are and who you have the potential to become. All this low self-esteem and low self-image is shrouding your judgement currently though. Please, be pragmatic now.

Once again, this message was not intended to fire shots at you, far from it in fact...

Stephen - we are so very alike in many ways. I am also fancy with my words, I also relied on positive thinking and optimism time and time again - and failed over and over until i finally understood that I need to invest my energies in pragmatism and practical barriers against the gambling. I wanted change SO badly... Do you?

If you look deep into yourself and realise that my secondary assumption of you was true, then please understand that there are plenty of other healthier ways to obtain social interaction and garner social networks instead of gambling your brains out and living off rice and noodles - to the point where you are malnutritioned and losing weight.

When I was in your position I wished someone came along and gave me a good shake. I hope you take this message in the way it was intended.

All the best.

Many thanks for posting on my diary Signalman and congratulations on your 340 days GF.

I have taken on board all your comments and will attempt to clarify my situation.

1/ I have been to many GA meetings in the past and it never reduced my urges to gamble. Quite the opposite in fact and I fail to comprehend how listening to the antics of compulsive gamblers can be in any way viewed as good therapy. I do believe that the camaraderie enjoyed by attendees can be a driving force in not gambling but it was just not my cup of tea.

2/ My diet of rice, porridge and fruit is in actual fact quite nutritious and I thoroughly enjoy it. Originally it came about through necessity but I now find it very tasty indeed.  However, when money is available  I do enjoy other vegetarian dishes.

3/ My social life was good until earlier on this year but: 

....... I stopped dancing 3 nights a week due to inflamed tendons in my foot which is still not right.

....... Swimming was good but after cataract operations my eyes became very sensitive to chlorine so recently I cancelled my membership at the fitness Club.

.......Wednesday nights was an evening spent with a group of friends at a club but I couldn't dance due to my poorly foot (plus lack of funds) so I stopped going.

........My lady friend and I met up every Sunday and usually went to the cinema but that came to an end a few months ago.

My sister has ignored me for the last 5 months after I lent some money off her although I did pay it back. I guess there is just no pleasing some people.

Most evenings I walk to the pier and marvel at the river and the night sky.

My plan for the future is to not gamble anymore.

Stephen 

Sorry to hear about your health issues Stephen..I do feel for you..I'm extremely wobbly in that field also..

Now..time for getting my own back..(will try to be as polite & empathetic as possible..?)..How the hell did you manage to gamble? What about self exclusions? If i remember right, you self excluded from many avenues if not all in your area! So what occurred?...did you identify the triggers for this action? How can you help yourself going forwards?

GA is not everyone's cup of tea and im a little surprised when you say that you dont see the use of bunch of gamblers in a room sharing their gambling antics ....this place is not much different..only that this is online..so I wonder what difference that makes to you?

And lastly....how much do you want to stop and turn your life around?...as much as next bet or more?...this is the question I keep asking myself and hope you're on the same thought length here....

I wish you well..sozzz for the tough love but I think we both need a good shake dont you?

Let's try and make changes for once.

Much love & blessings

S&B xx

Posted by: Stalwart Stephen

My sister has ignored me for the last 5 months after I lent some money off her although I did pay it back. I guess there is just no pleasing some people.

Well... You're probably right there Stephen, there is no pleasing some - however I have found re this particular scenario if you learn to please yourself and regain some of that self-respect in turn people start to return to you... Remember it's painful for them watching you and standing by while you're struggling - it's painful for them as it is for you.

Basically it seems to me you've learnt to live and cope with the pain. It's a survival mechanism engrained into us which youve activated and utilised to help cope with your weakness to gambling and subsequent impact it is having in your life, whilst I fully respect you for doing this... At the same time you are giving gambling the platform it needs to continue harassing you.

Once gambling is inside your body and mind it can make us say and believe things that in the aftermath when we look back we realise were just justifications to continue down the sorry path - it's much easier to rationalise your situation and convince ourselves it's manageable than to break the cycle and enter the foreboding unknown.

When you are ready to enter the unknown you will stop gambling. And those around you and close to you will start taking you seriously again. And you will love yourself again, you will take care of yourself. When you stop gambling on Sundays you will sit down to a beautiful roast dinner you have cooked yourself with all the trimmings - you won't be sitting there with a bowl of rice and an apple tucking in and desperately trying to convince yourself that this is the life for you because you are too afraid to enter the unknown and live a life beyond your own expectations.

Take care ?

As I said to you in my previous post I failed as a provider to my wife and son... But that doesn't make me a FAILURE. I can and will rise again, it is my choice - it is tough, there is much uncertainty attached to this but I will throw my hat into the ring and try.

You are struggling at the moment, but that doesn't make you a perpetual STRUGGLER, in fact you could redefine yourself as a survivor... With a beginning and end to this. Now the survival is over - you have gambled and remain in tact, get about sorting out barriers and blocks from gambling and putting it behind you!

The fight could be over, if you wanted it to be.

Thankyou for posting on my diary:

Signalman ... you certainly have a good understanding of human nature, addiction and loads of other stuff. Your posts certainly got me thinking about myself and recovery.

The "dying by a thousand cuts" analogy seems to be about right but reading up on it was very disturbing. I can't imagine the suffering people experienced when they were actually tortured that way. 

Sandra... Thankyou for the advice and support you give me. I hope you are keeping well and taking good care of yourself. I have identified were I went wrong on 1st August and it won't happen again. 

Regarding GA meetings, I believe it is a  totally different experience to being on the diaries because I can leave a diary if I don't like what I am reading but I can't go in and out of a meeting as and when I feel like it.

Hello Diary ...Today I have been very miserable which is only to be expected. Every day last month I was counting the days until the 31st when I would get my monthly pension and never have to worry about money again. Well here I am again doing the same thing all over again. Strangely enough I was not tempted on 31st but the next day it caught me by surprise. At the end of August will give my card to someone for safe-keeping. 

Posted by: Stalwart Stephen

At the end of August will give my card to someone for safe-keeping. 

?✌️

Struggling to come to terms with my gambling last Thursday. So stupid.

I was feeling very pleased as my weekly state pension and monthly works pension had both gone in the bank. It was my intention to have breakfast and than go and get some good quality footwear with supportive arches which would ease the pain and discomfort in my feet. I know it sounds crazy and I should know better but I thought I could easily win enough to buy the shoes/trainers than I wouldn't have to part with any of my money. 

Stephen

Posted by: Stalwart Stephen

I know it sounds crazy and I should know better but I thought I could easily win enough to buy the shoes/trainers than I wouldn't have to part with any of my money. 

Not crazy at all... Endemic behaviour of a gambler in action.

Mate - I've posted on here in the past about haircuts that costs me a months wages.... even a pint of milk once. Beat that... ?

It's all just a signifier that gambling is coarsing through your veins... What you will do about it now is the main issue, not dwelling on what was done as a result of your gambling addiction, doing this will not achieve anything useful really, although at time I appreciate it can't be helped.

As mentioned in my response to you on my diary, massive kudos to you for committing to giving your cards over at the end of the month. Huge move in your favour mate ?

Many thanks for posting Signalman. You are indeed a fine man who has a very good understanding of what what we are all up against and I have taken on board your excellent advice.

Gambling won't be a problem now until the end of the month. My state pension goes in the bank every Thursday but I have not used it to gamble with for a long long time. It pays bills and leaves me a little to get by on.

Anyway what's done is done and I will get over it.

Here's my plan for the future:

To live the life of a jolly old man 

By throwing gambling in the can

A future blessed with joy and peace

Where self destruction it will cease

A gamble free me will lead from now on

Laughing, dancing and singing a song

Six days into my noble quest

Ready and able to do my best

No need to sulk or wallow in sorrow

Live for today and plan for tomorrow

I have all I need to set myself free

Courage - Hope - Integrity

Jumped out of bed and looked at the sky

Felt sadness for seagulls that went flying by

Few fish in the sea so they fight to survive

For them life's a gamble to just stay alive

People we have everything and still not happy yet

Looking for answers in bottles or having a stupid bet

Stephen,

Thank you for your awesome comment on my diary, love it!

Thank you for visiting my diary HadEnough, I hope you are having a good weekend.

All is good with me and it is 9 days since I last gambled.

I know not where this gamble free adventure will lead but as my future slowly unfolds I will hopefully start to regain my composure and look at the world around me with a renewed sense of purpose.