It's been 7 days since my last bet.
7 days since my partner found out about my gambling and debt. It was the scariest day of my life, I thought he would kick me out but he has amazed me by trying to understand and support me. But that's the main issue I am struggling with, it's hard for a non- addict to get it.
I phoned gamcare when everything came out. Registered with gamstop and also gamban. We're in the process of closing my bank account down so I will not have access to funds, for the time being at least. So the blocks are firmly in place, I know I can't bet and have not been tempted.
I've also has an assessment for counseling which was great and I am thankful I will get another 4 sessions initially, feels good to be able to get to the bottom of all my issues.
But I need somewhere I can vent, about the frustration of getting my gambling and debt thrown back at me, whenever my partner gets annoyed with me, or just fed up in general. I get it, he's upset and angry with me for what I did and he has every right to be. I try not to take it personally and not to snap back and cause another argument.
Thus, the start of my diary. Because I hope people here will understand those feelings.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far!
Welcome to the diaries Adinuf.
I respect and admire your honesty and determination. I certainly won't try to offer you advice because you come across as a very practical, no-nonsense person who knows exactly what she us up against and is prepared and willing to face it head on.
It is not often that I look at a new diary and feel strongly that the author will succeed in their mission. However, that is exactly how I feel in your case.
I wish you every happiness as you go forward in what could be the biggest adventure of your life.
Hold onto your hat because the going sometimes gets tough.
Stephen x
Thank you for your kind post Stephen, that brought a smile to my face.
I am absolutely determined never to gamble again but I am well aware how difficult this addiction is to deal with so will take it a day at a time.
Right now I just feel a massive relieve that it's all out in the open. No more lies and secrets!
Just the emotional side is a bit harder for me to come to terms with and deal with. Never been one to talk about how I feel so that will have to change.
Again, thanks for commenting on my post.
Had a massive cry last night, I felt so alone and misunderstood. I'd been quite ratty and snappy over the weekend. I felt at a bit of a loss, I'd normally spend as much time as I could betting and now that's gone I need to find new things to occupy myself. Husband didn't seem to get it, he feels I should be feeling better and get on with it now that it's all in the open, debt dealt with and he's forgiven me. But I've spent the last 5 years or so increasingly thinking of the debt I was on, and having to bet to pay bills etc
All of a sudden that's all stopped and I feel like I am falling apart a little. My brain is not functioning anymore, probably after years of overload. I am so emotional. I am trying to put this all behind me but I feel so bad about the hurt I've caused my family, all the lying and of course the debt. All the time this was going on I was in denial and it feels like I am only just starting to realize what I've done.
It will get better, I know. I need time to come to terms with it all, to find a way to accept it, learn more about myself. My husband has his first assessment for counseling today, I am looking forward to hearing how he found it, hope it will help him.
Right, put my brave face back on, time for a quick shower then best get on with the day!
Had a massive cry last night, I felt so alone and misunderstood. I'd been quite ratty and snappy over the weekend. I felt at a bit of a loss, I'd normally spend as much time as I could betting and now that's gone I need to find new things to occupy myself. Husband didn't seem to get it, he feels I should be feeling better and get on with it now that it's all in the open, debt dealt with and he's forgiven me. But I've spent the last 5 years or so increasingly thinking of the debt I was on, and having to bet to pay bills etc
All of a sudden that's all stopped and I feel like I am falling apart a little. My brain is not functioning anymore, probably after years of overload. I am so emotional. I am trying to put this all behind me but I feel so bad about the hurt I've caused my family, all the lying and of course the debt. All the time this was going on I was in denial and it feels like I am only just starting to realize what I've done.
It will get better, I know. I need time to come to terms with it all, to find a way to accept it, learn more about myself. My husband has his first assessment for counseling today, I am looking forward to hearing how he found it, hope it will help him.
Right, put my brave face back on, time for a quick shower then best get on with the day!
Hi HadEnough,
Welcome to GamCare. Glad you found yoir way here and using diary to record your thoughts and days as you walk on this road to recovery.
Yes, you will feel emotional. This is perfectly normal. Your senses are coming back which brings rational thinking..which brings all sorts of emotions accordingly. However this will not stay like that forever. As you rightly say, it will get better.
It's not a race, its steady and continued progress...Give yourself some slack. I am glad to read you receive counselling too. It is really helpful and also helps to keep emotions in place..kind of helps to keep It all in perspective.
Some amazing steps already been made by you. Something to be proud of for sure!
Try and keep everything in the day...things cannot get worse if we don't gamble right...so the only way is up!
You can do it and you so deserve peace and happiness recovery offers.
Keep up good work...you're doing great!
S&B xx
Thanks for your kind words S&B
I've had a good couple of days. Husband went for his assessment for counseling on Tuesday and found it very helpful. He too will receive additional sessions which I'm very happy about. We've had a good chat about things.
Started a French course on Duolingo. I'd started before but was too busy. Yet somehow found loads of time for betting so using that time for something useful now.
It was my day off yesterday so went to some free event in town with my little boy, had great fun. Then my husband came home with flowers to show he was proud of me and loves me. We can get through this!
Well done dear lady I am proud of you - double figures already.
As you are already aware, this is not going to be easy but as time passes by you will start to see things with more clarity.
Noticed your footsteps tip-toeing around the diaries and respect the advice, support and encouragement that you give to your fellow travellers.
Thanks to you, I enjoyed a trip down memory lane earlier after reading one of your posts which prompted me to listen to an old favourite of mine by "The Animals" - "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood." It was a big hit 50 years ago and I'm sure many people can identify with it.
I look forward to seeing you rediscover your life. I am a couple of days behind you and hope that's the way it stays.
Stephen
Thanks Stephen, that means a lot to me. Well done on your own gf journey, definitely hope it stays this way.
Please don't let me be misunderstood - great tune. I've got some other lyrics going through my head, not for the first time either: 'should have, could have, would have, are the last words of a fool'.. so true. The amount of things I wish I had done differently. But I didn't and I will have to come to terms with that.
Today it is 2 weeks without a bet. So far, so good. Football season is upon us though and I always saw footie (and tennis) as an easy way to make some money. Which of course it wasn't and I've lost sooo much money over the years. So I'm bracing myself for some tough times, but determined not to place anymore bets. Not that I can anyway, with all the blocks I have in place and no money ?
"Should have, would have, could have are the last words of a fool"
But that is all behind her now for she is really cool
HadEnough has seen the light and knows a thing or two
Prepared to make some changes she has thought the whole thing through
A heroine of honour charged with courage, faith and hope
A lady with her head screwed on who surely is no dope
The future lies awaiting for this charismatic soul
She knows deep down within her heart its time to rock n roll
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