Starting again.

Ahhh m8t I just spent 48 and half...hrs fixing pc...it had personal security.fake virus...ever since windows was knocked out I was surfing with no security centre and all the free antiviruses in da world cant fix it..so I had to RESTORE IN SAFE MODE with network prompt!! then i bought norton and installed it...phewww sooo lonng trust me I had ZERO urges lol..... ahh 48 hrs away from 4 weeks no gambling...WOW..WOW.. time flies....slow down

Well its 1 small step for me ..and a giant leap for my wallet...1 month ..I made it!..one of many..I hope!!

I CANNOT LOSE IF I DO NOT START!

Week 4 Day 1..I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP!..I had an urge today ...slightly mild though...I overcome it..I think it is stress related..all the assignments buiding up..bullying my brain into a weakness...I am too strong to get into submission..sorry but im a fighter!!!.

Well it is time for me to come clean and remind myself of what it used to be like...every week my partner used to get her money (way b4 FOBTS were introduced) and I used to cash her money for her..then usually end up spending all of it on fruit machines this went on for years...sometimes when I lost the money I would go shoplifting, or stealing purses..I used to be a real desperate guy..the thing is my partner wouldnt let me in without the money....I can remember about 7 years ago I ran away after stealing some1 personal belongings just to replace what I had lost...I had nowhere near the amount that I had lost but it was enough to see me through...I GUESS I CANNOT AND DID NOT ADMIT DEFEAT...trouble is I got into trouble with the police many times..I never learnt!!...I turned my life around after that..I kicked my drug smoking habit 6 years ago (weed/s***k) stayed outta trouble for seven years..and actually started being me for once...I have been studying the last 4 years!..which by my standards is a massive achievment...I think my family and children have seen a turnaround which is almost impossible for many people...the only problem is...I NEVER KICKED MY GAMBLING HABIT!!!....my greatest pitfall...the route of all evil...it got worse when the student loans beagan to roll in....I was given 17k I have never seen more than 2k in my whole life...thats when things got outta hand ...the bank gave me a overdraught of 2k and they gave me a debit card..for the first time in my life I had plastic...I was thinking im rich its gr8...I was a real show off...firstly I tested the casinos online....I lost about £800...so then I thought I want that back ..so I took 2k to the bookies in town...and tried 100 a spin...nothing..walked out laughing in shock..but when it hit home what id done I couldnt sleep....this continued.. ups and down...I did actually win once £1900 only after I put in £2.5k....Im poor ffs...what the f*** was I doing in the first place....I am really almost frightened how dangerous it is and almost sick to death that these things can steal peoples money like that and im scared that one day if I do get a huge amount of money that I will blow the lot...it is crazy because I know that I lose control....I spent 12k on living expenses...and to date i lost 13k in the last year...it is difficult to forget it just llike that but accepting what I have done is a much nicer way to put it...it is so sad that it had to come to this before I realise what i was doing...and I think that it should have been realised by me much sooner because I would have been (family 2) better off!!.

Dervkidd

Firstly, congratulations on the one month mark. You have done really well so far and you need to give yourself a pat on the back.

Secondly, even better that you have been able to pour your heart out in your diary. You say that you never learnt---seems to me that you just took a little longer than would have been preferable but hey better late than never.

Look forward if you can as looking back can drag you down.

Just think what you can do with your new found positivity for the future. You have the chance to move forward and take your family with you--many do not seize the opportunity-I am confident that you will do it mate.

Do not lose sight of what you have achieved over the last month and how you feel now compared to one month ago.

All the very best wishes

Stumper

Thank you for the post! much appreciated,.. I had a dream last night that I gambled but the good news is it wasnt about winning it was actually about feeling bad that I gambled...I think that means that it is a good sign that I am recovering...because usually I have a dream that makes me want to gamble?...I am sure I have mentally blocked it out succesfuly and my brain is reversing THE WAY I AM STARTING TO FEEL ABOUT GAMBLING...i hope?

Nothing to report...1 more day gamble free!

I aint gonna slide down that slippery slope again..I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP! I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP! I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP!..

thanks for your support it does mean alot glad to see your doing well keep strong you will fight it as long u keep posting and reading posts this is a horrible disease and we do need each other to fight it .

errigal

Hi and thanks for your message, all help gratefully accepted. I'll try and remember your mantra and repeat it when I'm tempted. It certainlys is true. I don't think I've ever won and managed to keep hold of the money - always reverse and play it all, so really what's the point. I'm only on day 4 but looking foreward to day 5 and all the other gamble free days. Heres hoping. Thanks again for your support. Carmelly

Good day today ..besides from the rain....ohh glad to be of help to you guys, I actually like logging on and seeing people post to me..really makes me feel worthwhile...really gr8 guys! tnx.

BoytoMan/a.k.a Dervkiddxx

Hi gamcare just want to let myself and you know im recovering well...however I know I still need support...:)

Thats it for me I hope... its over.... this gambling problem is a headache...but now that it is over I have to deal with the boredom (beats depression) of everyday life!..ohhh how rubbish everything is..how will I cope...thats what is scary....I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP!

Hey mate,

Well done in keeping away from the gambling, I know the boredom you mean all too well, I have to make sure I've got something to keep me busy any time when I might slip, whether it's reading a book or watching TV in a room away from the PC, or playing Xbox, everything helps.

I'm finding a lot of what I do at work mundane and pointless too, but working on getting back on the straight and narrow, and back making money I can spend on me not on debts is my focus. Hope you can find your ambition too that keeps you from gambling. I'm lucky enough to have been to Nepal climbing in the himalaya, and that's my driver....to be able to go back.

All the best.

Ryan

Tnx for the post Ryan (Leedso)....

I dont half go on sometimes when I post on peoples diaries sorry bout tht guys, it is just that I speak a load of cr** sometimes...but yu know what I would be a liar to say I dont like it!!