Starting again.

i wish i never done what i have done...It is stupid...I actually spent my way into huge debts..I will have banks and cards stopped that is the horrible part...I feel like they are on to me already...Funny thing is just today my maxed credit card offered me an increase....I will be honest I was looking for money...I know next month everything will be frozen and I am going to be potless...No buying power whatsoever...It's good in the sense that in the future I cannot stroll into a bookies and hand over my card for them to withdraw huge sums of thick wads of cash for me to blindly lose it....I never even knew I had such money until I won some back and deposited it...only to withdraw it all again later that day....Whats the bloody point of these machines? can someone please tell me....It doesnt make sense...it is no fun...even winning makes you feel tighter and unable to spend....at least when you quit you can enjoy spending, a bit..... My spending becomes erratic after a long time of me not gambling...and if I have gambled recently like my biggest lose lately... I become the wisest guy on the planet....It is far to late for that....I feel like a worthless person who is going to become a nobody at the bottom of the pile....I really don't understand the triggers, reasons, complexity of the scale of self inflicted misery I cause...because I cannot accept defeat.... I never step down to a challenge...why couldnt I listen when I was up 2.5 k in the fobt...people knew i was crazy....sweat was pouring from the back of my head...even the bookies were sad for me when i asked how much i put in...well into the 5k mark...only for me to return with another 2... where did i get this money from ...everyone was wondering...even me?

Crazy times.

I did it.

I kind of remember those films or adverts... when the guy puts his 50k on red or black only to lose... and walks out laughing in shock...

Is it the way people handle it...Can people get over huge losses? you know high rollers...I cant be honest...or can i? with myself I mean....I dont even know if I like gambling??? I have very poor judgement these days...years ago i used to place very small amounts of bets in fruities...quids...2 quids...and now it has gotten to 100 per spin...I would never of dreamed I would get up 2 two thousand and carry on...I actuually went to 2.5k in central london...but i collected. however, not before I did a spin which showed me I would have won another 500 quid.....that was my first gamble of the day...I wonder what would happen if I carried on?...I hate these thoughts......I sure do know what happened later on that day when i arrived back in my home town.... (see the first part its what happened last) I lost £8,900 in 48 hours. I aint proud of it. Just want to let you know that I thought I had a system...I won every day up until the cheltenham festival...I am positive it had something to do with that meeting. Because they just change the payouts.

Hi,

Totally understand your last post. Fobts were my thing.

One time I particular my number trebled and I was looking at the figures you were talking about. Did I stop , did I heck. Did not cash out carried on playing and it went down to zero.

You are not alone, I too have I inflicketed that self abuse on myself. I too have spent years hating myself.

Lost to explain the insanity of what I did.

I do sympathise with you, and really hope this fog of dispair leaves you quickly . Once you hit rock bottom the only way is up.

Take care

Dusty

Thanks ever so much DF....I really like someone at this moment to re live what I am going through...The connection is a form of being able to share my misery and it feels good that I can only remind you of that vivid memory that many of us have (and so easily choose to forget)...Now the literature will pour out of me like some crazed author...You are very right about the way back is to the top...That is a perfect premonition...I will bear the optimism in mind, and try my best not to cast a doubt over the current situation I am in...I do however have a cunning plan...You see like I said I dont like defeat...I aint going to commit crime of the century but I do have a plan... I just hope it all goes well......'get rich or die trying'.... I am just saying something positive to cheer myself up...

I believe we are very strong...Look at evoloution....I aint Darwin but I do think about how we as humans are conditioned to hunt and fight...we are warriors...The problem is technology hasnt even given us the chance to evolve with it...it takes thousands of years...So, they bought out a Mickey fin...very cunning plan...A spinning wheel... Another thing, I heard a social scientist say that stress is not what we actually think it is? I questioned it...And wondered what the hell he was going on about...However, when he explained that cars have only beeen around 100 years and roads were very empty then...So, sitting in traffic is actually stress..Ok, it makes sense because we are not conditioned to do this.... Horse racing, I could say that it is much more accepted and many people can control it better, just like football...ok there are problem gamblers that indulge in excessive gambling of this sort...I dont know many people that can control roulette though..do you? (maybbe at first they can)....

It never even appealed to me at first...I wanted them to bring out huge jackpot fruities...But I have seemed to put them on the back burner....The money is too quick on roulette...It is the worst thing on the planet...Pascale a mathematician and scientist has made his way into bookies... it really is a joke isnt it....? I dont get it... the thing is why dont they just introduce live roulette into the bookies for everyone...You see....That kind of roulette is very different...for starters it isnt digital...so manual roulette has a live feel and better odds...Secondly people will trust it more...I know I do...you can actually play columns and win... you will know how to judge it better....Machines do not give you that feeling, in fact you know that they are unpredictable and you actually think you should be paid out on every spin, whereas with live roulette if the ball goes nowhere nr your area I think you will give in easier...... Thats why columns and black/red is better....Ohh try playing like that on a electric machine haha....Either they should ban it in bookies or do the live thing...After all they do it on the net???? There definitely is something dodgy about the technology...Manipulation is the key I suppose... and greed... In fact what am I talking about...I wish everyone that is on camera that ever played Roulette should be able to sue the bookies and claim back every single penny they spent...Like missold ppi claims...I think they should close them down....build casino's with million pounds machines and 100k jackpots that actually do payout and draw people to them not put seedy betting shop all over our high streets ...everyone is accpeting it into our culture...However, it really isnt anything to do with us...Pascal was french...leave tht S***e in France if they love it so much?Ireland doesnt even have them...This country is a horrible place with these killers...It needs to be stopped...

I just read that if there was no Pascale we would be living in a sadder duller life for there would be no roulette wheel......? I wish that guy wasn't born.....because he is making many people wish they weren't born... imo..someone needs to go to jail for this scam...if someone hurts a person they go to jail...unless of course you are in the government.

Good Morning,

Wow what a post that was. I am unsure how to reply.

It's good that you can get your feelings out, and I hope by doing that , that you have let go with some of your anger.

I take a some what different view , as my anger and blame was always directed at myself. I suppose what keeps me in recovery is taking responsibility for my actions. I have got past the blame stage, as this only gave me an excuse to continue.

I really do not know if this helps you, but I do hope that the fog of your recent loss is beginning to clear , giving you the opportunity to move forward and see a future with out gambling.

Take care

Dusty

Yes you are right I am very angry with myself...In fact really angry...I always compare it it other situations...I slipped back into gambling and have ended up worse off...I really do not kno the real reason why?....However, I think if I can lose 8k in 48 hrs there must be people losing this amount everyday?... That really is frightening....I read someone's diary and it said they lost over £20k in one day....I saw people comment on it and say, 'how could you lose that much'/// it tmade me think too...hmm ?? It could be a fib.... But now I do believe that it is very possible....I just wish that the machines were much more fair.... I have to take a hands on approach to my life and get it back now... and just focus on recovery.... I am sleeping a lot better...but waking up and remembering what I have done is actually the worst part.

I have stumbled across a hynotherapy CD...Which I downloaded to my computer...I believe it has worked for me...Although it is early days I am excited by this kind of thing.. after I listened to it, i did feel a lot better...I hope that someone else could benefit from this kind of thing....I really do feel better!!!....My worries about the money are non exsistant atm...So, that is a good sign....

I look forward to listening to it again and again...

Evening,

That's great, it is good that you are feeling a bit better.

I hope this works for you but just in case might be an idea to find ways to break that triangle of opportunity I spoke yesterday. That way you will be attacking this addiction on 2 fronts and stand a better chance of staying clean.

All the best

Dusty.

easy life.

Fella i just read through your diary and simply i dont know what to say i am speechless i am i think in a state of shock, I hope you find therapy in writing such compelling posts and in some way they help you, I can only wish you my very best in you finding a way to be at peace with yourself in the future and your re-newed fight to combat your addiction is of sucess fella.

duncs compulsive gambler.

Just thought id say hello to myself....

Easy--hope the hypno cd is still helping you mate.

I know the feeling of poor sleep patterns. Personally I cannot stay awake in the late evening--normally ready to shuffle off to bed between 9-10 but last night I went up at 8.30!! Most nights I sleep like a log until about 2 or 3am and then just lie there with thoughts of the money that I have lost in the past going through my head. Amazingly over the last couple of days I have broken this trend--perhaps it is that we have had no income at all for a while and are living off fresh air but I have just been offered a new job. The down side is I owe some money to suppliers through my company and at this stage cannot afford to pay it all off--hey ho they will have to wait-cannot get blood from a stone.

I know from personal experience that at times it is very hard to remain positive about things but when we think hard enough we have to retain some positivity and hope because like stopping gambling if we do not want it for ourselves who else is going to bother?

Keep trying to think positive--there are always people in a worse situation than ourselves--look at those poor kids killed on the bus last week or indee the school attack in France or even fit footballers suffering life changing if not ending experiences---our lot is operhaps not quite as bad as we first feel is it.

All the best mate.

Stumper

Tnx Stumper...Yh the CD it calms me down.

Just like to say your support is actually priceless... I just felt like saying that my credit score is about to take a huge nosedive soon...The bills are about to acrue lots of interest, the phone hasnt started to ring yet...But when it does it will go wild... ...It is something that I never wanted to happen...But hey it is going to now! Nothing I can or anyone else do...unless a huge black safe falls outta the sky...Knowing my luck it will...landing on my head and killing me...

Easy life.

Not sure if this will help you or not but I have stopped worrying about my credit score.

It's just a number.

I don't want any more loans.

Not knowing what it is will stop me from even trying to apply for a loan.

When I become debt free next year, not having any loans for the first time in probably around 20 years would be a massive, massive release for me.

Hope this helps.

Have faith, that safe will miss ya.

GT

That made me smile...tnks GT.. Really witty post.. I just found something that I think I definitely fit many of the criteria, I actually never knew about these sins...Well I have heard of a few but never cared to remember them... It is The seven deadly sins...

lust, gluttony, greed, laziness, anger, envy, and pride. Gambling is seen as the manifestation of greed and laziness since gamblers desire to get rich quickly with little investment and without working. Well that sums me up to a tee...

Greed really is the biggie of them all.

We used to be greedy when we were chasing those big wins.

But we are nowhere near as greedy as gambling bosses. My God, do these people have any values in life?

I think not.

Which is a shame.

GT

Day 3...

lol, I think one thing lead me to another out of the sins..

Well it is quite frightenong that I am a pathological gambler and according to the statistics my gambling was predicted to get worse...Guess what? It did...So, if they already know this... WHY AINT THEY ******* DOING ANYTHING ABOUT THE idiots!"!!

Well i lost on friday and saturday... I have maxed out everything...