Starting again.

Hiya Easy,

Thanks for the message..yep I'm okay..was having a awful downer these past few weeks..but now on the up thank goodness:-)

Well done on the 7 days.... it's better for you to cut your losses and let it all go cos your right it's much calmer...just concentrate on building yourself up.. one day at a time...I'm taking the good things about my life with me into the future and leaving the cr** behind.

Keep strong!!

Love Del xo

Tnks Del

I went to the gym earlier, and I feel a huge sigh of relief from going to exercise...Anyway, I had some cash gone missing from my stash...On top of that I had a unexpected phone call asking for money...they know my situation but do not want to understand, they just think I am a walking ATM...Well, it really has stressed me out... it is this kind of situation that sent me back to gambling in the first place....on the way back from the gym I decided to go into mark and sparks for a dring...I usually use my plastic...Ohh then it hit me...I cannot use card anymore because my banks are on to me?...It hurt....I kept clenching my fists...And today I really felt like trying to get my money back. Huge temptation/urges..

On the other hand, I managed to open a new bank account today...I think that it isnt connected to nationwide and lloyds??...It is Nat West....I am worried about depositing money in case they can offset it...I had a text message about my overdue pay day loan....I have 3 of them ...I have around 4 overdrafts, 2 credit cards and one huge personal loan....All of them are maxed...I wake up to this everyday....Not very nice I can assure you that...Just wish there was a way out.I managed to max everything out in only 48 hours on just one FOBT?...I cant believe it...How did it come to this??? o*g. Really stupid.

One week since I gambled.

Last gamble 8 days ago... Its racking up.. I told my step son I will have a Ferrari one day..He laughed and said that we are very poor...It upset me...However, I am optimistic about the Ferrari..Who knows?

Last gamble 8 days ago.

Are you very poor financially?

Or very poor in love?

I think I know which one is more important.

You will get something nearly as nice as a Ferrari one day, just continue not to gamble, eh?

GT

GT..I think I know what you mean...I think it has something to do with my gambling..

I want to beat this...Gambling is a quick fix...But the aftermath is a huge burden and is no longer a quick fix anymore...more like a long drag....How long is this empty, lonely and desperate feeling going to last?....

I thought that I had beaten it....But I remember the first day I started again...I said that I wanted to gamble?? I can't believe I said it...Now I have to suffer...

8 days gone since last gamble.

Hi Easy, I have not posted on your diary before but I do read it. Anyway, keep up the good work: 8 days gamble-free is 8 days richer in my opinion. It is easy to think we can turn things around financially with a big winning bet but, in reality, it will never happen. Even if we win we keep betting until we lose. I have accepted my debts and am continuing my life without gambling. Instead of sitting in a bookmakers with a palpatating heart, I am concentrating on getting more out of my job and putting renewed effort into my family life. Regarding feeling poor - gambling makes us poor - if you do not bet again, you have a much better chance of getting the dream car you want or an exotic holiday. By gambling we just make everything worse: savings go, credit is destroyed, relationships are wrecked and we end up with nothing. Keep up the good work and focus on the other things in your life that you enjoy and which do not involve gambling. Every day you get through without gambling is a day gained and another step away from disaster. Good luck!

I thank you Pellekanin and welcome you to post on my diary... I know what you mean about the palpitations!!!

"I am going to bury this gambling.....Before it buries me!!"

8 days.

DAY 9 DAY 9..

Nice day today..little bit frustrated earlier when my bank was acting silly..I actually stepped into a bookies for a pen..I had money on me...But was not contemplating gambling..Although before I went in there I did kind of think about it...Look diary it is like this....AFTER, LOSING 8K IN A DAY...BELIEVE ME I'M CURED FROM GAMBLING!!!!!!!!!!!...

A GOOD QUOTE..

""SUCCESS IS DEFINED AS...GOING FROM ONE FAILURE TO ANOTHER...WITH ENTHUISASM!!" (Winston Churchil, 1949).

DAY 10

Hi diary,

am I going to wake up everyday P***** off about what I have done...Or will I put it down a bad experience never to be done again...The problem for me is the banks ...I wish it was my own money that I spent..Unfortunately, it isn't.

Just want to mention that the frustration and urges are unbearable today.

Today was quite an amusing day...I tried to consolidate my debts...Also, I contacted pay plan which sounds promising..However, it is not easy trying to find the correct program to get out of debt...A few weeks ago I was in 10,900 debt... now im in 20k over my head, anyway, the thing is I ended up asking a dodgy company to consolidate..well she sounded extremely helpful until she said I needed to pay £70 set up fee and then an extra £290 first months payment...Duhh Im in debt, kick me while im down why dont you?? Diabolical...

Hiya Easy,

This may be of interest to you..they do offer and excellent free service.

http://www.cccs.co.uk/?WT.src…id=CLiqzajPh68CFSEntAodAhYy_A

Love Del x

Have you tried the Citizens Advice Bureau? They can often provide constructive help with regards to unmanageable debts.

never ever pay for debt management.. when the C.A.B or payplan or the consumer credit counselling service can help you for free. Regards.. S.A

Thanks S.A. Del girl and Pellekanin

Sometimes thinking about a gambling issue is hard. Making a decision on what to do next can be as difficult as knowing when to stop.

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes

you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop b******g and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the cr** you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh,what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive,how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard

the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power

and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.

You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love.... and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your

terms... just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely...

You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK.... and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want...and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with her/his touch... and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time... FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get

what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You hang a wind chime outside your

window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God (whatever you believe him/her to be) by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Easy Life.

11 days without a gamble.

Wow. Awesome post. and so true. Thanks.