Starting again

My name is Alex and I was gambling free for 4.5 years. 

A few weeks ago, I started getting interested in watching slots videos on YouTube. I wasn’t gambling and I had Gam stop so I didn’t see the harm. 

2 weeks ago I saw a free bet on an app. It seemed too easy. 

I was able to join the site as a few details had changed since I joined gam stop. 

I deposited £10. Lost some but won the free bets. They were gone by the end of the night betting on obscure games with teams I’ve never heard of. 

I noticed the site had slots and I remember how much I loved slots. 

5 years ago I lost a marriage and kids due to my gambling, I was homeless and in severe debt. I would wait every month at midnight for my wages to go in and they would be gone on slots before the next morning. I absolutely slots, the excitement of the bonus coming in and the possibly of fortunes that never came. 

Coming back to now, when I saw that that app had slots, it interested me but I didn’t do it. 

I started watching videos on YouTube of slots and bonuses etc. i would spend hours a day watching them. Still thinking it was harmless fun. 

Last week I found myself walking into a bookmakers to put on a football bet. 
The bet won so went back in to collect. When I had the money in my hand, without any 2nd thought, I walked straight over to the machine and opened the slots. 
I lost it all within about 10 mins. 

I was annoyed but it was Ok because it was just winings. 

I went in again soon after and put money in the machine . I asked the staff to put it in using my card. 

I lost it and decided it was “due” so I put more in. This time it wasn’t fun, I was breathing heavier, shaking a little , this was now real money that is needed for bills and to live. 

I lost that one and put another same deposit in. Won back my losses and then some but decided I was on a winning streak so kept going and ultimately lost that too. 

It’s ok you’re £150 down but that’s manageable, you can disguise that and pay a little less to certain bills. 

I decide it’s my time, I’m due a massive win and you can’t get that from the bookies. So I join a slots site. They discover I am on Gam Stop so cancel my account. 

Ah surely can’t be that bad and I proceed to join the site. Deposit £100. 
1 week later the £100 is deposited, I turn it into £800 and I am elated. I can’t leave it there so I up the stake I use and I keep spinning. It then is 4am and it is all gone. 

I say to my self never again, that’s it. No more gambling. 

2 days later I try another site, crypto only deposits and I don’t have crypto. 

I then decide to use my wife’s name and join a site, they let you deposit using your mobile phone too so I decide this is great and deposit £90. 

I try to withdraw a win and I am asked for my bank card, the account is in my wife’s name. c**P. 

I tell them it’s my husband’s phone and card, it’s fine. They cancel the account and refund my deposits because I breached the T&Cs. 

This morning I try another site but decide to use my card but enter my wife’s name. It worked. £100 in and lost, then again and again. 

I am sick to my stomach, panicking and searching for loans to hide the losses. I am a bankrupt from my past so no loans for me. 

I decide to go on a live chat for the site and find myself confessing to this person that I used my wife’s details etc in the hope that we would refund my deposits as breached T&Cs. 

At this point, I realised this is low, this is definitely a low point for me. What am I doing and how could I be here when only 1 month ago I was happy and gambling free. 

I updated my gam stop details and I installed gamban. I also decided to set up a diary and try to stop again. 

I gambled this morning on the internet, on a site pretending to be my wife after taking a photo of her passport to verify and setting up a fake email for her. 

i intend on this being lowest low and hope to recover from here, again. 

thanks for reading if you got this far.