I have been married for nearly 10 years and I have 2 children both under 10. I have a good job working for a well known bank.
So heres my story......I have been struggling with gambling for over 5 years now. During this time I have have been going through a never ending cycle of consistently losing money. I have lost count of the times I have chased my losses and ended up 300-400 quid down in a night. Such instances usually lead to me quitting gambling for a few weeks/months only for me to fall back into the same routine again and again.
In the early days I'd punish myself by selling my own DVDs, Computer games etc to make me feel better, however, this never came close to covering my losses. Now if I have any big losses I have to face the guilt of knowing what I have done. Which often means shedding some tears and feeling depressed for some considerable time afterwards.
When I first starting gambling it was fun. A few quid on the footie here and there make it more enjoyable watching the matches on the TV. Back in those days if I won a tenner I'd be made up. Any winnings would be withdrawn and id get pleasure from being able to treat my Wife or the kids. 5 years on if I win it is a simple matter of clawing back my losses. I don't even enjoy winning the same. I remember once being up at 4am in the morning (chasing my losses) betting on a Volleyball game in some random country in South Amercia (think it was Chile!) I knew sod all about Volleyball but I had £100 on this team praying to god that they would win so I could double my money and go to sleep. Needless to say I lost my bet and didnt sleep at all.
I often wonder why do I gamble if I don't enjoy winning any more. If I win a bet the first thought in my head is why didn't I put more money on... Plus I don't spend any of the winnings on myself. Never really have done. I also tend to gamble more when I am feeling down and at my most vulnerable. Maybe I am looking for a quick buzz but this rarely helps. If anything it makes me even worse and I end up becoming irritated which isn't fair on my wife or kids.
When ever I go through I bad run of losses I will sometimes confess to my Wife. She is understanding of my situation but at the same time she knows that we can't afford to be losing the amount of money I have been gambling. She has always been supportive but ultimately puts her trust in me to do the right thing. I feel guilty as hell when I abuse this trust but I feel out of control and powerless to stop. Which being bit of a self confessed control freak is very hard to take.
This week I have again lost several hundred pounds and I have decided that enough is enough. I have closed all my online accounts, cut up my debit card and tomorrow will open up to my wife about the full extent of my problem. I have also for the first time looked for support from the various groups (including this,site) to help people like me with gambling addiction. I was always sceptical about seeking help from groups such as this but reading the forums and seeing the support people give each other has been really helpful.
Please accept my apologies for the length of this post and for going on a bit. I have never opened up like before to anybody so I am making up for lost time. I hope that laying bare my problems on here in a diary format might be a positive step for me going forward. Wish me luck, thanks for listening 🙂
Frank
Welcome to the forum, a place full of like minded folk who have the same desire to rid the destruction that gambling brings to their own lives and that of those who they care about most.
The compulsion to gamble is a progressive addiction and one which will happily lay dormant for long periods.
Well done for taking the first step in seeking recovery, to admit you are beyond control when you gamble.
My advice take all the help out there, be completely honest with yourself and your wife.
Yes it won't be easy but it will be better for your recovery to not have any secrets.
Addiction love's to keep secrets, it feeds off them, suffocate it fella.
The advise that I got on my first day of recovery still works today.
There is a triangle time-money-location Take one away and the punt becomes impossible Gifting the rational side of the brain time to think, take control.
Gifting you the thing you sought through gambling.
You win.
I won't wish you luck my friend, because like me any you had was long used up, today is the beginning of a new education.
Share the joy it brings with your family, they deserve no less.
Keep making the right choice, one day at a time
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Never in a million years did I think I'd end up opening up about my problem on a public website. I tend to keep my problems to myself so this was a huge step for me. I felt a bit silly at first but once I had submitted my post I felt a huge weight of my shoulders.
Thanks Duncs for your words of encouragement. Wise words and I take on board everything that you have said.
Reading some of the other posts has been a huge help . I can see that although I am currently in a bad place there are other people in far worse positions than me. By that I mean I am glad I have confronted this sooner rather than later. I have lost a lot of money but thankfully I am not in debt or anything like that.
Looking forward now.
Cheers
Hi and welcome
I thought the same thing when I came here. I'm a very private person too, super strong - the one other people come to for advice, head screwed on (to the outside world at least) but I find the recovery diary very therapeutic. A chance to write down my thoughts rather than just swirl them round in my own head.
I'm in a similar position, lost a lot of money but not in debt either and you're right, there are people in far worse positions. But don't let that cloud your perspective or let you believe that your addiction is any less severe than anyone else. Only circumstances are different. If you got to a point that all your money had been gambled could you say hand on heart that you wouldn't resort to borrowing to fuel the addiction. I always told myself I never would but I know deep down that if it came to it, yes I would. The desire to get back what I'd so stupidly lost would be too great for me to stop.
But stop we must. We cant and never will be able to control it. We've passed that point of no return. What's gone is gone and all we can do is take it one day at a time. Whenever that compulsion to gamble kicks in, I try to remember the feeling of numbness/stupidity/guilt (the list is endless) that came with the losses. They came a lot more frequently, were more intense and lasted far longer than the highs of a win ever did. We tell ourselves that one big win which we'll definitely win eventually (yeah right) will be the making of our new dream life. The reality is it's the losses that are breaking us slowly and destroying the life we have now.
Stay strong and keep posting
Jess
Thanks Jess for talking the time to post. Much appreciated and your words really helped me. It really helps me knowing other people like yourself understand the struggle I am currently going through and are kind enough offer support to others. I wish you luck in your own fight against this addiction we share and hopefully we will both stick it out.
Anyway better update my up recovery diary...... Saturday and Sundays are normally the hardest days for me re gambling but I am proud to say I haven't gambled since Friday. The guilt of what I have done normally makes the first week or so easier. The next real test will be this weekend. Still a long way to go but I am feeling very positive.
I have finally realised is that I can't return to gambling at all. I have previously quit for a few months but come back thinking that I will be able to control it. Clearly this isn't the case. I accept that now.
Hope to update again next week. 🙂
Hi Frank and welcome to this supportive site. You have great attitude towards recovery, that will help you a lot - positivity, determination, acceptance. You are surely on a right path.
It is possible to arrest this addiction. You need to want and believe in a change. You have that mindset and it's lovely to see.
stay close by this site, read, post..get it all out..it does help. More to that - enjoy the recovery. It brings many happy moments back into our lives.
Freedom is yours, it only takes to make one choice each day . which is : i won't gamble today.
Wish you well on your journey, well done for arresting this evil habit. You are doing it.
S
Well done frank on accepting that your problems with gambling are deeper than just controlling your gambling like cooling off for a few weeks. Once the problem is deeper then that feeling controls you, no matter how much you win you are never happy cause you feel gambling owes you more an it does but. We never know when too stop an take a breather. We are 100 mph any bet due too go off we know nothing about we are on it just too win money. It's a mental thing a spent a day off one day gambling from 9 in morning till 7 the next morning constantly betting. I was up £200 an ended up losing it, I betted on anything that's was going ended up on table tennis an knew nothing about it. No matter how much I won I wanted more, that's when it's time too give up cause it's mostly luck an you can create your own luck by starting an stopping at right times. Once you get greedy in gambling it's game over. Good luck an stay strong move forward never back frank cheers allyc1981
Firstly thanks to both Sandra12 and allyc1981 for your words of encouragement and support. :))
Been a week since my last update so thought I'd better check in....
I'm happy to report that I haven't gambled since my last update. There have been quite a few major sporting events on the TV over the last couple of weekends like boxing, Formula 1 etc and I feel proud that I was able to watch them without feeling the need to have a bet.
I am feeling more positive than I have in a long while. Other than feeling more up beat and happier in myself, my relationship with my wife has noticeably improved over the past week. She even commented the other day that I was returning back to my normal self. I acknowlege that I have been in a dark place so it was nice to hear her say that.
Onto day 11 of my journey and feeling strong! Will update again in a week. 🙂
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