taking my life back

I seem to let more out in response to others diaries than when i post on my own. This is possibly poor manners - sorry.

ouch. i never considered that. i do it, too, i think...well...i *hope* it's not poor manners...and...it certainly isn't on *MY* diary...SHARE AWAY!!!!

(((kerrie)))) sorry about your marriage, misacarriage and health issues....my relapse, after 20 months clean-time was due to the loss of a baby and my father in law was dying...then...while I was gambling...found out that *I* had some health issues...more reason to numb...I can soooooo relate.

Dear Peg, it does seem cruel that when we suffer so much we seem to spiral down even further and are tempted by doing things we never dreamed we would. Gambling may have seemed like a innocent way of relieving stress but as you and all of us have found, it causes a zillion times more!! But you have proved you can get back up and return to a normal life. and you are an inspiration to us all.

Continued hugs to you Peg, you deserve them. xx

Hi Peg,

My heart goes out to you. I think great pain like that seems to shift the world on its axis - challenges our perception of ourselves and everything else. I can remember thinking I no longer knew who i was or where i belonged. Particularly when so much big stuff happens at once.

There was a time that i felt i would never feel peace or hope again. When my gambling was beginning, having hope for a win was such an important thing. Early on, i knew i was developing an addiction, and the thing I struggled with was, if I stopped gambling, I would lose the only sense of hope i had at that time (sorry about the long sentence!). Obviously, things got worse, and my compulsiveness became more extreme. I'm not suggesting I was justified... more that sometimes life gets so difficult that it's hard to make good decisions!

So i guess now i am feeling genuine hope for the first time in about 4 years - even before i was gambling. No wonder I'm a bit emotional! That's HUGE! Thankyou so much for sharing your experience - I don't have the words to explain what it means to me. I am so glad that you are here.

Love to you,

Kerrie

((((joy)))) that downward spiral...have to remember I am always only one bet away from going there again.

((((kerrie)))) am glad you're here too..can relate so much to what you say.

been thinking about clean dates this morning.

had my face to face g.a. meeting last night and an 'old timer' that i hadn't seen in a while was back.

He had many many years clean time..then..lost everything in Katrina...everything that he'd built back up..beautiful home, cars, everything (material) that he had was gone..and i guess he figured w*f? all these years i didn't gamble and i STILL lose everything?

anyway..he went back out there. I have heard people mention him from time to time..people that had spoken to or seen him..but I haven't seen him in several years...2003 I think.

ANYWAY

he was back last night...and he has a new clean date..more recent than mine..yet..when I listen to him share..when he tells his story (stories)..when I spoke with him AFTER the meeting...he is not the same as someone who has 4 months clean for the FIRST time...as far as his knowledge of recovery, etc...he is wayyyy beyond me..but his clean date doesn't reflect that.

our clean dates don't REALLY reflect anything..except...that we have been successful, one day at a time..for some number of consecutive days.

it really *is* an individual journey..many of the things that we experience are common..the mood swings, withdrawals, etc....but much of what we experience is unique...our spirituality is certainly unique..many of us have found that discovering that part of ourselves is the path to recovery...in ANY event...am rattling on now....in ANY event...clean dates are important..so that we can see our progress..celebrate milestones (although every gamble-free day is worthy of a celebration)... but our clean date doesn't make us better or worse than any one else NOR does it really reflect how we are DOING in recovery...

recovery and abstinence...two different things.

one day at a time.

just for today.

love to all who read here.

Hi Peg,

One bet away...That's true (I've proved it). The only way i can prevent my addiction taking hold again, is not having that first bet...

Yet, you are right in the idea of "recovery and abstinence...two different things"

My disease (I kind of dislike that word, but I can't think of a better one) it breeds and multiplies with despair. I think that, those yeats ago, it was active well and truly before i indulged a compulsive behaviour, because I was in despair. I can't say I really know how to prevent despair in the face of huge events - I felt isolated from recvery and I guess it didn't help. Fortunately, at least if I'm bet-free, I can reasonably expect that my whole world isn't going to crumble that frequently. Might react differently if it happens again...

Its a thought provoking post. Really, only have today. I'm counting my days at the moment as encouragement, but there is something more important going on. I sit here and read posts, and think and write - and I find that real, whole part of me again, AND THAT IS FANF*&^INGTASTIC! More polite language is woefully inexpressive sometimes!

Love you to bits

Kerrie

Hi peg

glad to hear you're doing ok.

posted on my diary - decided to give the turmeric a go. figure it cant do any harm, have you noticed any difference at all?

claire xx

Hi peg, glad you are still staying strong. Thank you for your kind words on my diary.

Claire let us know if the turmeric works too??

tipping down with rain here, tends to make you want to cosy up and not go out. Whats the weather like where you are??

hugs to you Joy xx

G'day, Sweetie!

Just called in to send you lots of love. Thankyou for all that you share.

Love,

Kerrie

i have been re-reading the 'big book' from a.a.

a g.a. old-timer gave it to me in 2002 and told me to read it....everywhere the book said 'alcohol' to mentally replace that with 'gambling'

was an eye-openener.

that book..was me.

strange...that this could be an 'addiction' since I wasn't ingesting anything...what, exactly, was I addicted to?

ya know...i have said for a long time that i was an escape gambler...i gambled to escape emotional pain and responsibilities...and, to some extent, that is true...however...I am sitting here this morning...remembering days when, just after the kids left for school, I was rushing around like crazy...banks not open yet..any money in the house? rush rush rushing...so i could get there...be there..and..looking back at those times now, I am thinking...THOSE days...I was not gambling to escape anything...I was going because I had an incredible craving that I could not resist.

there HAVE been times that I gambled because I knew that I could numb there..but once I got in the cycle...it was no longer about numbing...i NEEDED to be there....there was not a moment in my day when I did not NEED to be there.

xoxoxo

Hi Peg,

Craving, yes - sometimes I couldn't wait! Would drop everything suddenly, to go out and satisfy that "need".

But weirdly, in the end, I was gambling even when i really didn't want to. Feeding in money and not wanting to do it... hating it, really hating it... and still unable to tear myself away! That's when i got scared... gripped by something i had no hope of controlling.

Then, that first week of being bet - free, cravings again. Grieving the loss of something I hated!

Addiction is the only word - needing something i hate and that destroys me.

Trouble is, I dislike the moral connotations of that word. None of us started out to develop our addictions on purpose. For me, at least, it was an unexpected result of possibly fairly naive actions. Once addicted, its not so easy to untangle from the web. Addiction (or disease, another iffy word) is also used as an excuse by some to justify behaviour that is harmful to others.

There is a lovely quote i remember from long ago: "we are not responsible for our disease, we are responsible for our recovery." Should be part of every media report about all addictions, whether the report is damning, or overly forgiving.

Hah, you challenge me to think about these things, Peg! Reminds me of how very much I do not want to go back...

Have a great holiday (everyone's on holiday but me! boohoo)

Lots of Love,

Kerrie

(((kerrie)))

"we are not responsible for our disease, we are responsible for our recovery."

I *LOVE* that!

when I first found out that I had a 'disease' and I was 'powerless over gambling' I went RIGHT OUT to gamble...justifying it by saying...it's not my fault! i have a disease!

well...I believe that I *do* have a disease and it is NOT my fault that I have a disease...but...I *am* responsible for my recovery.

You said: None of us started out to develop our addictions on purpose.

I agree...and gambling...more than any other addiction, *I* think..has many 'innocent' victims...because...I *KNOW* that alcohol can be addictive...so I am careful...I *KNOW* that drugs can be addictive..so I don't use them...I had NO IDEA what would eventually happen to me, by gambling...and if I had had ANY IDEA...it would not have happened...I mean...I see those signs...'if you have a gambling problem..call' but..that could never be ME!!!

if one starts to abuse alcohol or drugs or food or shopping or any of those things...it becomes pretty obvious pretty quickly (at least I *think* so??) but this gambling thing...snuck up on me.

I have no doubt that addiction is an appropriate word for me to use about MY condition..although...you're right...I don't use that word around "NORMAL" people...with THEM...I say I have a gambling problem.

hmmmmmmmm

interesting.

off to live my day 🙂

xoxoxo

Hi peg

hope you're doing ok?

ordered some bits off the GA website just leaflets that were a few pence, cant remember what they were called now, there were a few.

turmeric not seeming to make a difference at the mo. already said in my diary am off all week and find it hard with so much time on my hands.

however i have not gambled 🙂

noticed this on the last post

"we are not responsible for our disease, we are responsible for our recovery."

soemthing that my counsellor said yesterday is that i need to take responsibility for all the good stuff and the bad. this is a scary prospect! being rsponsible for all the hurt and misery i have caused, the hurt and the pain, the bad things, very scary!

i do try but its painful and if we are living for today and one day at a time i dont want to keep going over all that stuff, or is that me trying not to have to deal with it, i felt that i dealt with it at the time and when i began my recovery - i've started to ramble on your diary now peg, sorry 🙂

hope all is well, claire xxx

((((Claire)))

ramble on hon 🙂

taking responsibility...

well {sigh}

what *I* think is the healthy thing to is, is basically what the g.a. program teaches...which is...

dwelling on the past, beating up on ourselves about the wrongs that we've done..going over that stuff again and again..it's pointless and encourages guilt and shame which do not promote growth...so it's best to deal with the things we've done (take responsibility) then be done with it.

How to take responsibilty? Making amends.

Steps 8 and 9 are as follows:

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

so...I once lied to a friend to get money to gamble with...I need to admit that to her and explain what I did.

I still need to pay a few people back (am working on this).

i was often late picking up my children...there will come a time that I explain everything to them..but until them...I make amends to them by NEVER making them wait unless it absolutely cannot be avoided...if i SAY I'm gonna be there..I am THERE.

I haven't actually made a 'list' yet of all of the amends that I need to make...I have a mental list of these few things (which are very painful to me) that I began working on immediately...when I get to step 8 I will make a 'fearless and searching inventory' of my past actions...I will make amends...then I will move on.

that's just my spin...you may want to ask your counsellor exactly what she meant when she said that. I serisously doubt that she meant that you should continue to 'wallow' in it...but it DOES need to be addressed, I think 🙂

(((claire))) I know it's painful..and scary...when I first thought about working these steps...I had one of those 'freak out' days and cried the whole day... I will post a link here...it is some work sheets for working the 12 steps... I am finding them useful in my recovery.

(((hugs)))

www.12step.org/worksheets/worksheets.php

just wanted to mention..it is for the 12 steps..i.e. not necessarily for gambling...so some questions may not apply..for instance...did you ever have a memory lapse, etc....I just answer no to those 🙂

had a rough day yesterday.

am leaving this morning for girls' trip...had a lot to do so the family could get along without me...a LOT of things to do.

then realized

i had been MEANING to call prescriptions in for my boys since last week...hadn't done that...they won't have meds for school friday 🙁

was looking thru some papers and came across a CHECK...I'd been waiting for it for a while...it was here since MARCH...unopened envelope...the check says Void after 90 days...yesterday was day 91 🙁

the unopened mail...a carry over from my gambling days...if i don't want to deal with it, i just don't.

i haven't filed any of my dr. visits to my addiction dr. with the insurance company.

all of our other dr's file it for us..he's the only one...I SHOULD do it...could certainly use the money...but it's just such a HASSLE...sitting down to fill out forms blech!

I could go on...in any event...it all came crashing in on me yesterday..since I'm preparing to leave and SOME of those things really NEEDED to be done.

I had an appointment with my addiction dr. in the afternoon.

His spin....sounds like I don't want to do anything that doesn't provide me with dopamine (i.e. no immediate reward).

'Earth people' (meaning people who are not addicts) don't want to do that stuff either..they just do it...addicts..often...refuse to live life on life's terms.

he then goes on to tell me a few stories of friends, etc. that apply to my situation...I started the session in tears...he had my giggling...at the end of the session.. i laughed...loved this...he said..a friend of his..when she's having a crappy day (like I was yesterday) she says "oh goody! another effing recovery opportunity!"

am i ever going to be an 'earth person'? I asked.

he said no.

but i WANT to be an 'earth person'!

perhaps I need to go back to step 1.

ACCEPTANCE.

am off to the beach!

love to all of you,

peg

xoxoxo