Hi everyone,
I'm 51 and been gambling since i first earned money at 16. Can't believe I have managed this long. I have had periods where i've stopped. Since i got divorced it got worse (in the last 7 years) where i just seemed to give into in, what was the point not to. The buzz was/ is great. But with the betting office machines came easier destruction and bigger and faster losses. I am lucky to travel with my work and there is NO country like the UK where there are SO Many bookies. You probably all know that. every town has many. It makes it much harder for us especially when you have to travel around the country. I am ready to stop ruining my finances and future (what's left of it). I say this but know the urge still waits for the chance to distract and lose myself for however long on a machine or in a casino.
So to stop, here we go, and Imean it this time!!!! (haha) not joking at all but the amount of times i have said that makes it hard to believe. But it does seem different this time. I am on here for a start I have contacted the self exclusion people who have excluded me from about 30 shops! There will be more to add. I have downloaded gamblock on laptop and net nanny on mobile (now i need my gf to set a password and keep it from me) she is gonna do that. But it has been 3 days since i gambled. Which isnt that unusual. I have gone weeks without gambling sometimes over a month then blown a months wage in 3 or 4 hours! So it has to be different this time.
I accept i enjoy gambling (until i feel desperation kick in/feeling beat) then i have gone back the next day etc and been lost in a trance. Just handed over my debit card time after time. I will have to associate all the negativity that gambling has bought me in the past to realize it is not fun, it is a distraction from the c**P in my mind from the fear of facing up to the possibility of being the worst that i am. Gambling (losing) of course confirms those feelings. So looking into why i fear to acknowledge those feelings. I am looking inside and there are alot of knots that need unpicking but it is becoming interesting how far I'm having to go back to unravel them. So imbeded and automated that i am starting to slow down my general train of thoughts so I dont just keep regurdgetating (is there not a spell checker on here that can't be right ?) the same destructive and thoughtless patterns. That's probably why i got divorced not just money but my general demeanour of having to prove to myself and others that I am not what my worst fears say i am! Which sometimes resulted in destroying the confidence in the other person.
All this is way overdue. Good luck everyone we must battle this infection of the mind that this country's governments are feeding off of.
I went to Korea recently and do you know that only people with international passports can gamble (not Korean nationals) amazingly thoughtful and clever (if you're korean of course).
I know we can't just blame the amount of betting shops, but look at the online sites, there are countless be started and opend every month because they know most of us will relapse and want to open another site after self excluding the old ones!
My lord we have to wake up dont we. This is ridiculous, it's like having heroin shops on every street corner. We have to beat it for ourselves and stop giving away our hard earned money!! Come on lets do this!!!!
Hey ground zero, welcome to the recovery diaries 🙂
Great start with breaking the gambling triangle but given your pattern is there any one you can hand your finances to just to reinforce this? If you're able to go months without gambling @ a time already then you need extra security to ensure you don't keep repeating your bad choices! I promised myself every night for I have no idea how long & aside from a 6 day break (I think) after a visit to a hypnotherapist, every new chance I got, I went straight back to it 🙁 I loved it too...Didn't know how I could live without it! Turns out, I live just fine...Better than fine in fact, life's good now & I can't go back!
Looks like you recognise that you need to do some unravelling in your brain. You don't have to do it alone...GamCare offer free counselling & there are GA meetings up & down the Country!
Addiction wants you to believe your worse fears, it then offers you a false salvation to keep you trapped in your worry! We're not bad people, we just make really bad choices...Time to break the cycle - ODAAT
Yes ODAAT, you really are an inspiration. Yes i feel srtong at times (Like when i wrote that first log yesterday). I have filled in gmacare online councelling form but heard nothing back yet. But yes that point yu made about the addiction wanting us to believe our worst fears really is true. I never looked at it like that, just that it was me, but i guess this addiction does create a whole new mind set in it's self. I guess I should know that by now!
ODAAT, how did you fill that void?
Don't laugh...Candy Crush :-0 Only half sleeping @ night waiting for the lives to refresh or 'winding' the clock on to give me extra (but with precision planning so that next time I could play, the lives would have still reset) & colouring books. I also spent an inordinate amount of time here and an American site, Daily Strength (coz this one didn't come up when I Googled asking how to control my gambling)...I read until my eyes hurt & posted posted posted. Looking back @ those early days, I was absolutely convinced gambling was a financial issue so early doors, I just passed on what I had discovered about abstaining. I know nothing I do can make people stop but I hope I never hurt anyone with that advice. Now, I understand that it is emotional & my posts have changed. I'm only @ the start of my journey as I haven't explored why I did it but I'm happy & will cross the next bridge when I need to.
I also rejoined a swimming club & a gym, started taking a bit more responsibility with the mutt & made some friends on here. I have been to a GA meeting & loved it but it was over 2 hours away so haven't been back but I know where & when my local one is if I start to falter. I tried counselling @ work because I wasn't sleeping, despite telling her about my alcoholic 'father' & CG mother & the fact that I had just recently gotten myself into recovery after nigh on 30 years of gambling she said I wasn't ready to open up & so probably wasn't ready for counselling?!? Apparently you sometime have to kiss a few frogs! If I feel this is a viable route down the line, I will contact GamCare.
Thank you ODAAT, I think most people are probably tired of reading the same stories time after time but i do appreciate you input alot! I'm not in one place long enough to go to a GA (but maybe i will see if there is one close to where i stay most)> I have been working all my life i have nothing, i remortgaged the house to the hilt so when i sold it all the surplus did was pay of debts. So i dont have that many debts now just a few thousand but i have no major asset at all not even a car which seems ridiculous. I have to start again.
I'm not sure tired is the right word but it is incredibly sad 🙁 Will probably sound bad but when I 1st went online looking for help, it was a huge relief to me that I wasn't the only fool doing what I was, now on some bizarre level, I kind of wish I was!
I was very much on the same path as you, remortgaging, downsizing & blowing thousands & thousands of pounds of family money that couldn't be handed to my mum because she was a gambler! How my Nan never realised the extent of what I was up to is beyond me but we can't change our pasts! You know 51 isn't such a bad age that you can't start again...I know people who have been divorced in their 50's, lost the shirts off their backs & then some, but still figured it out. If you look @ it this way & do everything you can to stay away from gambling, there is still a future worth fighting for (I was gonna say life in the old dog yet 😉 but I don't know you well enough)!
GA doesn't require regular attendance @ the same meeting (it promotes regular attendance), just surrounding yourself with people who understand is part of the therapy, a weekly dose of medicine if you like.
Hopefully some of the others will be along soon to give you another perspective as I feel like I'm hijacking your thread :-0
The cars, the houses, the luxuries, it's all worthless if we don't care about ourselves. You've already admitted you have a problem which is the start of this journey, next you need accept that you're an OK person & then you can work on crushing your fears - ODAAT
Hello ground zero
Welcome to the forum.
Great start to your diary - acceptance, realisation and plenty of positive steps in the right direction.
Interesting stuff on South Korea.
Obvious advantages to attending a regular GA room. However, if you move about a lot then moving around GA rooms could be a real education. Meeting lots of different people each with a story to tell. Going on a GA tour could be interesting; could even pick up things that work well in one group and pass it on to another.
Keep posting, learning and up the good work!
Best wishes
Glint
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