The Devils Payroll

Good for you Rob , I must say the anticipation was building a bit there for a night to remember but maybe there's still more to come as the story unfolds ?

Looking forward to the continuing journey Bud

Looking forward to Part 3!

Rob it's been 25 hour's now I can't stay up any longer

Right come on now Rob times time. Get your fingers and thumbs tapping. Or are you having a mid season break and leaving us on cliff hanger.

KTF

Right Rob you're just taking liberties now, I don't have the patience of a Tibetan monk.

Hai Rob,

Was spewing the other week when I left a great book on the train, just when it was coming together after chapter upon chapter in perseverance.

And then, low and behold you do it via gamcare... No pressure hai.

I'm trusting your still making the fine progress you've portrayed in your posts this year...

Take care my cyber bud...

Still alive and still gamble free. A lot has happened. In a lot of ways I feel like I am finally coming alive and in alot of ways still feel stuck and trapped in amber like a mosquito. Its only been two months but it feels longer. s**t has changed. I would like to continue the story but it feels embarrassing. You set expectations and you dont meet them. Its hard being honest. One thing is for sure I know a little bit more what I want, what I need. Thats a good thing but it might result in some heart break. Dont expect anything from life, it owns you nothing.

Hai Rob,

I'm trusting your still awakening and living, with the untangling from the amber becoming less and less.

I haven't dug up an earlier post I sent but I can remember saying that I took a lot from your thoughts and still very much do.

There's a lot of class evolution on various diarys on here and for what ever reasons, some resonate with different folk differently. Your clear thoughts I could always relate too and for that reason I always class this diary as some what special.

Your bang on with that life owes us sweet f/a,yet it takes recovery to recognise that.

Keep striding on Rob, you may stray, you may not, yet either way you'll get what you want and need.

Respect

Hello Diary

Been awhile. So the past 3 months or so have been a wake up of some kind. I think hitting 40 back in June brought all the cliche mid life crisis thoughts of what have done with my life, what the hell do I want now? The what I have done with my life is very little. I have rejected people and friends out of fear of them rejecting and not loving me. Dont get me wrong I do have friends and a close circle who I will take a baseball to anyone they ask me too but alot of those were made 10-15 years ago. You know the number of people who have I made friends with since and actually put the effort in to maintain and better that friendship? One.

I have stopped myself doing things as well out of fear. Going places, trying new things. It was all too much work and the fear of it all going wrong and blowing up in my face was too great.

Hi Rob

I can relate to a lot of what you write. I too feel like I've woken up - and realised how much of my life was dictated to by fear. Fear of difficult having difficult emotions leading to any suggestion I was not good enough - anything pointing that way was to be avoided. It was like if I had to many pointers that way I would be plunged into some terrible abyss.

And yes, a lot distancing myself from others out of a fear of rejection - putting up defences of all sorts. Now I realise the pain that this was causing me - as friendships and my relationships with others are absolutely central to my well being. I still have social anxiety (specifically something called self-monitoring) but I can see it more for what it is and generally carry on.

Intrigued that you are regularly doing open mic nights. I haven't done one since I tanked trying Do I Wanna Know - which, I think as you noted, is a very difficult song to do on my own with vocals. Still, not licking my wounds just been overtaken by having a bairn. I have written my first song. Well I say first song, I used to write songs when I was in a band aged 17/18 - but the songs were either rip offs or songs about s3x (even though I'd never actually had any!). But my new song is actually about something - I'm pretty happy with it so next stop is to perform it live. Think this will be a really big thing unimaginable a year ago.

Best wishes

Louis

Hi robf,

Thanks so much for your comment on my diary. It was very uplifting a. At a time when i needed that. It felt genuine, too, not just made up to cheer me up.

I didn't mind at all what you reflected about my relationship. It was mostly true that we weren't suited. I think if anyone got angry with that it would be more that they weren't ready to face the truth rather than it being harsh or out of order.

It has gotten me back out there and made me realise that I am good enough and worth loving. That's a great start.

I loved your most recent diary post. It is good to start challenging those fears in manageable chunks. It does really make you feel alive to move through them! It is quite a buzz but a healthier one than you get from gambling.

Long may it continue for you!

f x

Thank you Freda, if the relationship has got you to that point then be thankful. Not every relationship has to be a deal maker.

I still feel fearful daily. Currently I am looking at moving and moving into shared house/flat. This scares me much more than living on my own but I don't think living on my own would be particularly good for me at this point. I need more contact with people especially if I move away from my current home and current circle of friends. I worry about applying for the flat share, if I have to be interviewed/interrogated by the current house mates. All things I haven't done before but still things I somehow expect myself to be magically good at. As if anyone else in the same position doesn't have the same fears but somehow they just get on with it.

It feels like I am completely out of practice of living life and I am slowly having to learn how to start participating and find my place in it.

Open mic later tonight and have a couple of new songs to sing. Nervous but not quite as nervous as I normally am. Maybe starting to come round to the fact I can't expect everything to go smoothly and I may fail.

Hi Rob

WOW..souch relation to your post it's unreal. I kind of booked a viewing for a shared house :-/..not sure what to do but am really scared. Chosen a family home ....not sure it will ease my anxiety but don't know till i see right. There are many choices to be taken, do not rush...dig deeper and don't just dive straight in. It's difficult, of course it is but the decision is yours.

Getting the picture that living on ur own is not all bed of roses. I am scared of loneliness to be honest. I know one day i will need to live on my own but what then? Having a puppy would help as it would be my bestest loyal friend..but again...will it fill the void?

Errrr...don't think I'm on the subject i would like to broaden anyway.

Just hope all will work out for you. It's new & scary but sometimes for the best depending on the circumstances.

Stay safe, that's most important part.

Look after yourself..you are strong enough to make huge decisions, believe in your heart & head...all will b ok!

Take care

S x

Need to vent, need my diary. Not pretty but need to get the negative out.

Feel useless and worthless. Feel weak and pathetic. I have been lucky, I have never really faced any hardship or adversity in my life. Its a good job because I would crumble. I have had bad times but never had to really fight. Yes I have struggled with addiction but I have never really faced anything bad in my life. Everyone I care about is still alive, I have never had my heart broken. I have never gotten ill. I dont stand up for myself, I am a P***y, a coward. I let people and situations walk all over me. I know people dont respect me, I can see it in there eyes.

If anything bad did happen I couldnt cope, I would crumble as I am not strong. there is no reason for me not to be, people worse off then me manage it but I cant. I sicken me. I hate myself. I am not a good person. I wont stop in the street and help someone in need. I would turn and look away. If a child was crying and homeless I would pass them by without helping, pushing down that guilt in my stomach and saying to myself someone else will help, I dont have to get involved.

I want to believe all of the above even though not all of its true (some of it is, it just plain is), I dont want to admit that maybe I am kind and thoughtful. That I do care, that I cry and that I feel. I think its easier because its all I have done. Why let someone in when you can push them away. its ok though, I can keep telling myself I am worthless and that I deserve misery.

Hi Rob,

Awesome job having a good vent out! That's what diaries are here for.
I don't really know you...but i somehow feel i do..go figure huh

Listen, you're not bad person. f**k, if we all look at ourselves that way, this forum wouldn't function. Yes, we are troubled, yes we made mistakes in our lives, yes we lied, hurt & been mugs for others...but, we are here and trying to make things better!
We learn on the way and we do so starting with the outside help and facing the "mirror". Yes, the flesh and soul of ourselves..it is ugly, damaged and disgraceful..what we gonna do about it? Work on it maybe, forgive ourselves, learn new way of living...have compassion and forgiveness..learn to live & love?

It's all out there..down to us to take it. I have pushed ppl away all my life. I do let them in & then i push..very bad behaviour. I kind of know the outcome by now but ya know what..all you need to do is to listen & accept what's being said. Not everyone lies & you will definitely know who to trust.

You're nice lovely soul, you're here and kicking..you're letting poison out and you're being honest..

That's the great start in fixing yourself..don't give up on you & accept you the way you are...way way better person than you think

Keep fighting!!! ☺ you're worth it!

S x