The Devils Payroll

2 years gamble free today. 730 days, 17520 hours, 1051200 minutes.

I have been trying my best to hate myself, to make myself unhappy. Its been working, life hasnt been good for awhile. I have no idea how i will feel tomorrow but the last couple of hours I have been ok. No great revelations but just enjoying playing my guitar. I hit a string and let it ring out, I can play the same few notes and not get bored. For all the doubts and fears I have and the amount i beat myself up, for now I am just glad to be still alive. That will do for today.

Hello Robf

Congratulations on 2 years gamble-free! I'm glad you're having a good day but it sounds like your moods are quite up and down. Hope working the Gamblers Anonymous programme helps you. And being content in the moment is an achievement in itself.

Deirdre
Forum Admin

63,072,000 seconds

Go You Rob,

2 years is a mighty achievement and despite not being a complete advocate of positive thinking but worth a look at what you’ve done in the past two years and imagine the sliding doors and what you probably would have done if you had been gambling. Abstinence is cool Rob, I can fully understand a previous post from you about still being in the cycle, so your on the way in breaking that cycle, pushing through. It’s possibly now a quest to find the now and enjoy the feeling of being ok and f***k what tomorrow may or may not bring

Hi Diary

No gambling since my last post.

Some changes on the horizon. In a couple of weeks I finally move out of my parents and move to Leeds. Something I have wanted to do for a number of years but let fear and familiarly get the better of me. I wont be alone, I will be moving in with a house mate. To be honest if it was just down to myself its likely I would still be at home. Still it feels scary and I have noticed after actually completing all the paperwork and making it official my mood has dipped after having an initial rush of excitement.

Feel very down this morning, alot of self pity and thinking I am worthless. I am trying to focus on some positives which at the moment will be the ability to see live music so I have made a diary of bands and artists I would like to see that I would not of had the chance too.

I have a habit of self destructing which is just my way of keeping people and life away. I also hate uncertainty and anything that pushes me outside my usual comfort zone. I was doing well last year and was able to try alot of new things, stand up comedy, theatre, open mics. I have stopped alot of this and have only done a couple of open mics. It just highlights how recovery is for life, if I stop working at things I can slide back into the addictive mindset even though I haven't placed a wagered bet.

Hello Diary

Its been awhile, which seems to be the norm for me posting. I do still visit the site and read some diaries but overall I just get on with things. Its only visiting today and clicking on my profile to realise I hit a 1000 days on the 1st. Hard to believe really.

Things are OK at the moment. Still gamble free, still struggling with depression and my mood swings. I am now living in Leeds and have done so since last year. I am sharing with a friend, its a modest two bedroom apartment. I don't want for much far as material possessions go, I rarely buy myself anything. I do long for someone to share my life with but feel I am not in the right place to start any kind of romantic relationship. I think there is some truth in that but also a big dollop of fear and an excuse of sorts.

I have all but stopped attending GA, I have made an occasional visit to the one in Leeds but no longer attend regularly. I am finally getting help for my depression, currently on Anti-Depressants and on a long waiting list for counselling. There are things I need to work on, but I do tend to have a bad habit of making mountains out of molehills.

I have stalled for a while, couple of years ago I was really pushing myself, I did stand-up comedy, a theatre production and many open mics. I did an event last month called rock school that was a lot of fun and this month I am having cookery lessons, a grown man of 40 plus should know how to cook. I did a lot less last year, but a lot of my energy went into finally moving out of my parents, I am still a child in a lot of ways, but I am slowly starting to wake up to my responsibilities.

I have thought a lot recently on where my life would be if I was still gambling. Instead of a 1000 days abstinence if I had been gambling for 1000 days. I don't say this lightly, like I said I have given it serious thought, but I don't think I would be here and would of succumb to the ultimate self-destruction. That’s a pretty sobering thought but this addiction will tear you and those close to you apart if left untreated.

Dear robf,

many congratulations for reaching 1000 days gamble-free, this is a huge milestone.

It also sounds like a lot has changed for you, although you are a bit understated about these quite massive shifts. Well done for percevereing with your recovery, for moving out of your parent's, for keep pushing yourself to do new things. These things are never easy, especially if you are struggling with depression.

Well done again for all that you've achieved in the past 1000 days, it sounds like your life has changed quite dramatically to the better.

Wishing you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Hey Rob great to hear your doing well keep pushing yourself out of that comfort zone. Many congratulations on the 1009 days a great achievement

KTF

I have gambled again.

The gamble was a radio quiz, txt msg entry. Not that matters but I did it compulsively. Not a one or two text, 42 in total and I only stopped when the entry window closed. If I ever needed reminding, not that I should that I am a compulsive gambler and individual this was it.

To be honest its no surprise looking back over the past few months. I stopped attending GA reguarly, didnt post on my diary, had no other means of dealing with my emotions.

I have not wagered a penny since that day. Went back to GA last wednesday but came away feeling low. Alot this was due to visiting my parents on the previous day. I am currently living with a friend but I am due to move out in the next couple of months. Its fair to say I am not an easy person to live with, the friend and flat mate said for there own mental health we cannot live together anymore. So I tested the water with my parents to the prospect of moving back in with them. It was clear from the conversation they didnt want that, to the point my mum started looking at properties for me and sending suggestions. All I want to do is go back to being a child again, to be looked after.I know that my parents love me, they have there own lives to lead and moving back would be a backward step but my inner child is angry and scared.