The Devils Payroll

Thanks for your post Rob..and for reading my diary...your absolutely right...its about being yourself and stripping away all thats not real and living simply. Thats whats brought me back to life...i'm following your diary and like me you have had some up and down days but we can see some light now and are going in the right direction....keep posting ...Rach and Dotty ...wuff wuff ...xx

Hi Rob,

Sorry about your grandmother,I know you feel you have to be strong for your parents but it might not do any harm to allow them to see your pain as well.This could be a stepping stone to you dealing with the control you have on your feelings and allowing them to come to the surface.Nothing wrong having a cry it always makes me feel better i think you need to do more of it.:0)

Rachels right strip away all the cr** and get back to basics its amazing how when you start living simply how much better things are.

Coulda ,shoulda,woulda dont even go there its not worth the energy.

Stay Strong hun be positive.

E x

Hiya Rob..just popping in...I inow you've had a tough week or so with family etc...don't go missing too long...let us know how you are...the good the bad the ugly ....take care Rach and Dotty x

Nearly a week has gone since I last posted and I am still gamble free. Feel emotionally drained to the point where I have come on here but not managed to write anything. Also I am sick at the moment with tonsillitis which has knocked me out physically.

Whenever I write anything on here alot of the time it takes ages. I constantly go back and read and edit and change things. There is never a flow of thought or feeling and everything has to be in its right place. I am still scared of letting go and letting whatever comes out on the screen stay there in all its glory. I don't think its helping me and its been pretty typical of the last 15 years or so. Even now I am close to deleting everything here, switching off the laptop and not worry about what I have to write in my stupid diary.

Hey Hun,

was starting to wonder if youd left us.

Being in control of everything including your feelings is not an easy thing to let go off it will take time as all things do to feel comfortable enough to let words/feelings flow and not feel the need to change it.

The main thing is your still gamble free and thats great keep up the good work.

Hope you feel better soon:0)

Stay Strong and Positive

E x

Hi Rob..good to see you back on here..if it helps I am forever deleting stuff on my diary.I use mine mainly as an internal dialogue with myself and if anyone reads it then its a bonus..sometimes the act of writing down can be just enough and its about getting it out.There is no expectation on you here.The great news is we are all anonymous all around the world in some cases .....

As Elizabeth says ....you are gamble free..what ever it takes to stay strong ...I have to go to any lengths to stay on an even keel and the diary for me is a big part of that...we are all different for sure...keep wrapped up...Rach and Dotty Xx wuff

Depressed. Depressed at the state of my life and my lack of wanting to change and have anything better. I am in self-destruct mode and we all know where that leads. Not that I have any physical money to gamble at the moment but feel if I did I would dive in head first, not just head first but from the top of the diving platform and dive in aka Peter Kay/John Smiths style. I am actually pleased I am skint but what happens when I am not. It feels like nothing has changed really. Its like I am on a temporary reprieve.

I feel like I haven't lived and haven't experienced anything 'normal' people experience. I feel its all past me by. I try and console myself and say I have to make the best of what I have now but what I have now is so much less, time does diminish us all in soul and body.Our younger years are our prime, some may try and argue and say differently but they are wrong.

So I have the scraps and the leftovers of my chewed up life, this is it. Just a pile of bones sucked dry by a dirty dog sniffing its own a** and balls. But I will wake up in the morning and go to work as normal and smile and nod and do my job as normal, make small talk and pretend everything is OK as normal.

HI Rob...yep you do sound down but don't forget ,gambling aside,you have had a tough few weeks with your family bereavement and i'm sure the mood has been quite low with people grieving especially with you also living at home.

You say that not gambling due to you being skint and having a temporary reprieve...thats pretty much the same for us all no matter what demons we have... .we have a daily reprieve...but all those days add up!

Your still doing good... one day at a time ..thats all you have to do...

I may not know too much about the nuts and bolts of gambling being from the other side but I do know depression.

Its taken me to my 40's to learn to be myself as I spent the first part of my life being what everyone else wanted me to be,thats what caused my depression and I was a ball of rage inside wearing a mask everyday.

Do you get identification from reading other CG's posts or diaries on here? maybe post some more if you read something you can relate to...just don't isolate yourself.

Do you think you would benefit from seeing a GP?

I know that going into work really helps me no matter how much I think I can't face it....it brings me out of myself and out of my head and I get that reprieve you talk about...

Keep posting Rob...don't isolate ..keep connected with the people in recovery on here....they know how you feel and can help.. Take what you like and leave the rest...no one will tell you what to do ..keep posting Rob ....take care ...

WHAM, its just come to me now. I am gonna try and stop being such a P****Y. I mean whats wrong with me, you would think I was dying from cancer or something. Gonna lighten up and have a bit of fun.

Brilliant...!!...somethings shifted in your thinking Rob.....good on ya.......keep posting...x.

Feel at least a 100% better than a couple of days ago. I am cutting myself a bit more slack, I am far from getting to where I want to be but its been a crazy month. Nearly a month under my belt with no gambling and need to acknowledge that process and feel some of the fog is beginning to clear.

Actually starting to want things and enjoyment again. Formulating a whole bunch of stuff I want to do, some that requires money but all of it time. Gambling is a great time killer, it freezes you in time while life carries on rushing past. I think this was some of the reasons of the feelings I had earlier this week that life has gone. Its far from gone.

Have to be careful though, keep things small and not rush things, know I have pay day on Friday. Normally within a couple of days of getting paid I am hitting the gambling. Don't want this to happen. Fact I feel its time now to include my parents and hand over financial control for awhile. Think I will have that talk tomorrow with them. Although I feel fairly confident I will not gamble, I also know I felt confident before and its not stopped me. I don't want anything taken to chance this time. I want change.

The below is all made up but its something I wanted to post anyway because I think about doing things like this a lot.

Meltdown. Everything is now seriously f***** up. The chat with the parents went horrible. I then went into nuclear explosion mode and have lost my job for something that I might even be charged and arrested for. Have now deposited and lost 700 quid of my wage today. All I want to do now is go even further and have everyone hate me, have nothing and get myself in a situation I have no way back from. f*** it.

So back to reality, no chat with the parents. Haven't got the guts for it. I have been paid and I have no means apart from will power to stop myself from gambling. The sirens are calling and they want to turn me into a toad but I could already be one as I have no walk.

..thing is Rob ..everyone has self destructive thoughts..it's whether you act on them or not and your not so that makes all the difference and your still gamble free.

My feeling is that you are someone who wants a different life from the one you are living....you can..

Why not make that first step and come clean your folks......

Drunnk, should I post stuff when drink who knows guess shall know medorning. hyeah, like i love drinking its f*****g great. better than gambling. if i had to give up one its obbviously gambling its like c*P compard to drikning. i f*****g love it. anytay doing well. chill out my hdudes and bithces. yeah.

hey Rob..get some shut eye....been there myself,,you've said nothing bad hun...can always delete your post in the morning..take care and drink some water!!