the end of the road, a new start on the way

Day 59, i have not gambled today nor will i tomorrow and so on... not had the best of weeks but i am happy for 2 reasons. 1. my youngest son is on the mends 2. i have not gambled in anyway.

Thankyou Green for the thought provoking post, i am grateful for you sharing your thoughts on my diary and please continue mate...

Spent the day at the hospital and in mcdonalds, happy meals work wonders, cant beat those chicken nuggets and a fruit shoot lol!

The battle continues and slowly, very slowly im winning, i have a new wave of determination, FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION................

take care ands

Hi ands,

Good question, And obviously a little tricky to answer, because i got my Lil girl, all i know is that day in the arcade when i was in tears i truly believe i had hit "rock bottom" yes my Lil one was on my mind, but she had been here for 3 years while i continued to gamble, so honestly i think it was just my time to quit, when i first started gambling i enjoyed it, i won quite often, always had money, but the same old story the more you win the more you want, the more you gamble, towards the end 'yes' i still gambled but it was no longer fun i had massive debts, lied, stole, lost relationships, and more importantly, wasn't there as much as i should have been for my Lil one.

So like i say, i just couldn't take anymore, they say things happen for a reason, that day i had a multitude of reasons to stop. It was my day to "see the light"....:-) That day also brought me to gamcare and i have been here ever since.

I hope that answers your question in a roundabout way, it was a tricky one....

it's my pleasure to help you along the way, like you help me, that's what were here for.

stay strong mate.

green x

Day 60, i will not gamble today, feeling ok today, no urges to gamble whatsoever...

thanks for the post Green and for answering my question. Made alot of sense and thank you for your honesty.

Have a little work lined up and confirmed today which is good news, only tempoary contract but its a start.

Have things in life to be grateful for and thats my sons who i adore with all my heart.. I know those who read my diary must be bored of reading bout my sons, but hey i dont care cos i love them so very much.

Take care all and hope you all have a very good gamble free weekend.... ands

Hi ands,

No problem mate, if you ever have any questions just ask, it also helps me to share and sometimes also 'think out of the box'.....:-)

Glad you have a bit of work lined up mate, like you say it's a start and a foot in the door and could lead to more.

I think i can speak for most here mate if not everyone, We never get bored of reading about you and the boy's mate, and it's what's important to you in your recovery that counts.

I have a mental picture in my head of what you are all like, it's my way of making it all a bit more real and more personal.

have a great bank holiday, i have just got some wood to make a bird house with my Lil one, her names Maddy (Madison) so that should keep us busy.

Catch ya soon mate.

green x

Morning Ands,

Hope you are doing ok, catch up with you in chat soon.

Take care

DT.

Hi ands,

I wasnt in chat this aft5ernoon but read your last post.

All i can say is everyone on here seems dead canny, and if you got a bit angry or sweary or something, im sure everyone will just accept it as a bad day.

Hope you are ok, glad to read Luke seems to be ok now.

Hugs for you,

f x

Hi ands,

Glad ya had a good weekend mate, 9 weeks no slip your doing great my friend.

have a good gamble free week mate, and thanks for the support, catch you later in the week.

green x

Hi Ands,

See you have been on your diary today, but no post came up. Have you been banned? I hope not, because u have helped so many people on here.

Hopefully chat soon,

Your friend in recovery,

DT

Hi ands,

Mate from my experience, even being this amount of time from gambling, yes life is better but it's still a rough ride at times, and can be tricky to deal with whats going on in life, I have so much frustration at times and don't even know why i feel this way half the time, especially when i look at the bigger picture 'our kids' the important things in life. We all get mixed up at times mate, and miss the things we can't have. The feelings of missing the fruit machines will get less it has for me, the other things we need to try and re-build in time, i know i hate time, at times. Everyone Say's give it time, give it time it will get better. " i want it better now" just like i wanted that next jackpot now.

keep strong, keep fighting mate you have everything to keep going for, your future, like me i just find it hard to see at times.

take care mate.

green x

hi ands

it says you have sent me a post, i can't read it not sure why not , theres just nothing there, hope you and the boys are good.

green x

Hi Ands,

just dropping in to say enjoy the weekend, Maddy is here soon and we are going to do some clay modeling, should be fun.....:-)

Hope you and the boys are good, I'm a little more settled, just need to stay away from women for a while, well best they stay away from me....:-).

Stay strong mate, keep going, speak soon.

green x

Hi ands,

Just read your entry about getting angry in chat. If its any help, I got a bit P*ssed off with Mike today myself! He did nowt wrong really, but is quite blunt, and like you I am very in touch with my anger at the minute!

I didnt get chucked out, but left cos i was feeling pretty annoyed. Sometimes it helps to hear that someone else has had a similar experience? I really only posted to say I can relate to your feelings, and offer understanding - want to make it clear this is not a post that is intended as a 'dig' at Mike 🙂

I feel really sad that you described yourself as 'disgusting'. You sound really low. I wish there was something I could do to help you feel better about yourself. I dont think you are disgusting at all. You are clearly a lovely guy who is in a lot of emotional pain. We dont always act the way we want to when we are hurting.

Im rooting for you as ever,

f x