the end of the road, a new start on the way

Morning Ands,

Sorry to read you have been feeling down and angry. It's my belief this is all part of the recovery journey. I used to feel really angry and at times quite aggressive....I would read posts on my diary and take things out of context......all part and parcel of our journey. Don't be so hard on yourself ands....I think you are doing just brill my friend.

Love from Jas xx

Hi Ands,

Hope you are ok and not out and about smashing up fruit machines in London.

Catch up soon,

DT.

You have come too far to chuck in the towel now ands,

Understandable you feel wary about tomorrow - isnt it fantastic that you can spot when you are going to be vulnerable though? its half the battle.

Post, post and post some more when you are struggling. I was in a right mess this afternoon and netline were fantastic! theres loads of support on here ands, I know it doesnt make it all better, but keeps the demons at bay a little bit.

Hope your counselling is still going ok, sometimes when you look at your painful feelings it makes you feel much worse before you feel better.

Rooting for you andrew,

f (k) x

Hi Ands,

Mate it's pretty normal to 'lose the plot' every now and again we all do it, look how far you have come mate and what you have gone through over the past few 10 weeks, it's no wonder you are having tough days, I'm just the same, when things are s**t it can be tough, your through the toughest part, and still gamble free.

Try and stay strong when the boys go back to school, i know it's gonna be tough, but i have every faith you are strong enough to keep going for you and the boys.

catch ya soon.

green x

Hi Ands,

Congratulations on your 70 days, some achievement in very difficult circumstances. I am proud of you and I hope you are proud of yourself,

You should be,

Your friend in recovery,

DT.

Well done on 70 days. All those years ago i decided to pack up gambling I had all the same feelings buddy. Self loathing and disgust.

I think it`s common. Now years away from the bet those feelings have all but gone. Give yourself time ands, it DOES get better.

HIGH FIVE ands!!!! 70 days is fantastic! you are so strong coping with all lifes thrown your way. Dont know if I could be gamble-free in your shoes!

Hey, dont worry if you dont post back, I havent got 2 little monkeys to look after like you have 🙂

Hope you havent found today too hard, its awful being bored and alone when you wanna gamble.

Hope the boys have enjoyed their first day back at school, bet you missed em like mad!

Take care,

f x

Aw ands,

you are a really sweet guy. I dont think your advice is watery, i think maybe you are so down on yourself that you dont think you could possibly have anything of value to say.

everyones support is valuable - even yours believe it or not, lol. I look forward to seeing your confidence blossom when things pick up a bit for you. You dont recognise your true worth i dont think. You will in time i hope.

Take care - and HIGH FIVE!!!! you are a star and a half!

f x

Ands, I am really proud of you buddy. Yep, the tenner on the old scratchies and yet you resisted that, well done. Things will get better.

Many years ago, when I realised I had a problem and wanted to quit. Wanting to gamble was stronger so that`s what I did until I hit my rock bottom. One thing is for sure, if you keep away from betting you will find it gets easier. Well if you experience the same as me.

Also as time goes by, my feelings are that the anger inside will fade away as other life experiences happen but it`s so good that you can express that anger here.

Btw, I was far more sneaky than you. I would fantasise about dropping coins in the machines having coated them in super glue, lol.

Stay strong my friend.

Day 72, nows becomes day 1 and i,m ashamed to say but i have f***** up and gambled... I am realy very sorry for all those who have supported i am sorry for letting you all down.

Ended up in the arcade and lost the money i had on me, after my counselling which was realy quite hard i headed for the salvation of fruit machines. I went into an arcade in clapham which i have never been in before. Played one machine and whilst playing felt sick and realy angry with myself.

After all my postings you would have thought i would have learnt my lesson but i have failed. I did not lose a huge amount of money but that is not the point. Within 3 days of my sons being back at school i have totally ruined everything i have worked on.

Im a disgusting individual, who turns to gambling when life turns hard, i have let my sons down and for that i can never forgive myself.

To those who read this i am so sorry i am now on day 1 again, and that is gut wrenching.

my previous post does not give a proper reason for my relapse so im gonna try to explain.

Firstly after leaving my session of counselling i felt dejected and emotionally unstable. I now know that if i am to give up gambling for good i need to open up completely, about all issues regarding my life. Some of these matters i will not post on my diary as it is far too personal. What i have said so far is only the tip of iceberg. However i am being true to my word and going to remain 100% honest. Over the next few days i am going to delete all my posts up to today, this is purely because i am hurting right now and deserve to feel this way.

To all those who have supported me i ask, no i beg for forgiveness, today i did not enjoy gambling at all. I have bleated on and on how i would never gamble again and i did.

I would very much appreciate some harsh words, so please feel free to let me know of your feelings towards me.