the end of the road, a new start on the way

Day 77, 11 weeks, 1 mistake and i am back on track. Had an interesting day helping my elderly neighbour with some gardening. She is 82, and a very wise lady indeed, i told her about my gambling and she actualy said we all take various paths in life and they all lead to either disaster or happiness, Focus on the here and now, focus whats important in life, and lastly be true to ypurself........... Nice lady, honest and daft as an old brush lol!

I am suprised that i have kept my diary going as the norm for me would be to jack it in after maybe a couple of weeks.

So wednesday last week will not be repeated this week, i shall be prepared with very little money and my mp3 player with some good old drum and base.

Take care all, im back and fighting stronger than before.................... ands

Hi Ands,

Good to hear you are feeling more positive today, just gotta try and keep them blues at bay. It's hard some days isn't it? Really hope your counselling goes well on wednesday. It should hopefully get less distressing and more fulfilling as the sessions tick by.

Try and remember not to go in the arcade on the way back, 😉

Good Luck,

DT.

Hi ands

I would agree with your dear old neighbour to a certain extent. However we have to tread our own paths and only by seeing the bad times does it make us a better person. You are unique in the road you've walked and it is yours and yours only. You have become wiser and more learned for it. Maybe we have to have a few goes at recovery but no one is perfect (speak for yourself, I hear you say). Everything that happens in life should be able to have a positive impact on our being.

Take care and thanks for reading my diary. Don't feel sorry for me though as I can play the victim mode quite easily (LOL).

Regards

Steve E

Hi Ands,

Glad to see you have your focus back and are feeling more upbeat about things, certainly more upbeat with a bit of 'Drum & Bass' I'm a bit of an old school dance man myself, but like a bit of hed kandi at the moment.

Like you say mate wise words from the old lady, sometimes people say the things you need to here just at the right times in life, 'without knowing it'. Suppose what i try and do these days is take small snippets of advice and words of wisdom and process these along with my own thoughts and feelings to try and get the best outcome. Sometimes my Own thoughts are the ones i should listen to, after all i know me best...:-)

Anyhow enough from me, hope you have a good week and the boys are well and enjoying being back at school, be proud of what you are your a gambling free dad, we just got to keep it that way.

stay strong, speak soon.

green x

Hi Ands,

Hope your counselling goes ok for you.

Take care,

DT.

Day 79, a week since my slip and today i went to counselling and did not repeat last week. So day 79 and 1 slip up still.......

Counselling was realy hard and very emotional today, self hatred and my childhood where the topics of today's session, unpleasant and i got very emotional again! I have no excuses for my gambling past, i was an unloved and unwanted child for reasons unknown to me, i crave the affection and love from my family but it will never happen. I know why i gambled, stole and i know why gambling no longer comforts me or makes me feel at ease with myself. But i guess i knew this before counselling. Parltly my gambling was not about that buzz, not about winning that sh*tty jackpot, the fruit machines where literally like my family.... i used to talk to them, shout at them, punch them etc..i sound completely nuts, but hey this is my diary and im gonna say all this!!!!

So one day at a time and im making progress, its still a lonely world for me, my beautiful sons keep me focused and on track. If i never had my sons i believe i would not be here now......

I dont want to wallow in self pity nor do i want to feel sorry for myself...so i wont, but i do not like who i am, zero levels of self esteme and i feel worthless, my exsistance is soley for my sons.

This posting is very negative but i do need to write this down and as my counselling progresses i hope to feel more positive then i can delete this sad pathetic posting. I made an agreement in my session today that i will not call myself pathetic or stupid whilst in my counsellors presence!

So today i did not gamble and the day is nearly over so i congratulate myself on a very hard, heartbreaking and emotional day. Only i will understand this posting and where i am coming from...

I took no money with me today and i have self excluded from the 2 arcades near to where i go for counselling.

take care all, ands

hi ands

You would actually be suprised who understands your last post.

Its good to get it off your chest, and this is a great place to do it. hope you feel a little better after writing that down.

I know i do after i do similar things. Try to keep you chin up, i know its easier said than done, I have very bad days aswell, as do many on here. take it easy.

neil

Hi Ands,

Pleased for you that you went to counselling and even though it was mentally distressing, you got something from it. The feelings of self-loathing and helplessness are a natural part of recovery, we all feel them.

You are a good person, a good parent. Just because you got lost on life's journey does not make you a bad person. We all make mistakes, some of us(me) more than others. It's how we bounce back from these mistakes that is a measure of who we are. To quote a poker analogy, anyone can play a good hand, its how we play a bad hand that is a measure of the player.

Even though we feel as though we have been instrumental in dealing ourselves a bad hand, it doesn't mean we are bad people. For whatever reason, we went down the wrong road, but that doesnt mean we can't get back on the right one.

When I get my life back I will come to London and accept that beer, I would love that.

Thinking of you,

DT.

Hi Ands,

I don't think your post is negative. I think its very open and honest and self-reflective. I totally relate to what the machines became for you. Same for me really... friends and family. The machines never sprouted legs and walked off they were always there.. literally.

Sounds like you are using counselling to work through the pain you felt as a child. It maybe very life enhancing.. stick with it. For me when i had counselling I came to understand that I had become emotionally stuck at a particular point in the past when as a young teenager my parents separated and i felt left alone and abandoned. I had never felt the difficult feelings from this traumatic time. Counselling helped me to heal myself and this helped me to not want to seek solace in my so called friends the machines.

I hope you find the inner peace that you maybe looking for. All the best in recovery.. S.A 🙂

Hi Ands,

I'm another one who can relate to your post, My fruit machine family were always there, truth is to make me angry, take my money and spit me out, but they were always there.

As has been said it's not negative to think this way if it gets it out of your system it's good. You say you have no excuse as to why you played the machines, I'm not so sure, just my opinion but your difficult upbringing must have played some part, for me i really have no excuse, a good family, good friends and i still made a mess of things, You are a good dad ands thats clear to see and it may take time to gain your confidence back, your self esteem etc, but you will do it, it's that bloody word again 'time' one day we may meet my friend, keep fighting keep going and you will prove your the man we know you are, you just need to see it for yourself your a good man ands, believe in yourself mate.

keep strong and keep posting, it's really clear to see your on the right road.:-)

green x

Day 80

Thank you for those posts on my diary, im Kinda lost for words, thanks guys!

Not alot to say today after yesterdays post, sometimes short is sweet......... take care ands

Hi mate,

Thanks for the post, your right and i know i do deserve to be with someone who treats me right, and gives me love, going to take that on-board mate.

I'm just at work here till 10...'grim' to answer your question about time, i honestly think it does heal 'all' i know this may sound a bit odd but the healing process is different in different situations. With regard to the gambling and the things we have done, we need to accept 'our' mistakes and move on, once we do this and start living without the lying etc, gradually we come to realize we ain't bad people, I'm not there yet but truly believe I'm on my way.

Another example being the 'girl' maybe i will move on when i meet someone else, again i just can't put a time scale on that as it could be years, but each day i grow a little stronger and will then get to the point where i am ready to meet someone, and not before.

I hope you get what I'm saying somethings that happen in your life take minutes to get over, some day's, some years. but whatever the case as long as we look forward, time will heal all, along with self belief and determination.

all the best mate stay strong, an ice cold beer on a summers day sounds good to me, we will sit down just two blokes in a pub, decent men who don't gamble. I look forward to that day.

take care mate stay strong.

green x

Hi Ands

No need to read my diary, basically i was addicted to fruit machines, then onto roulette. worked since i left school and used most of my earnings on gambling, and also left myself a small debt. But its more than just the money that i lost, infact i dont really care about the money, that as gone and wont come back. Its the mental states it put me in, the depression, the guilt, that anxious gut wrenching feeling it gave me and so on.

Been on here since nov, had a few lapses, lost my job in the meantime, but will never give in to gambling. So thats me in short.

Use your diary for yourself, concentrate on yourself, look after number one, it is in no way selfish. You seem to have a had a rough ride, but also you went a great number of days non gambling. Learn from the small blip you had, and grow even stronger from it. keep safe and all the best.

neil

Day 81, i will not gamble today...

Thank you for your posts, i can relate to them completely, been another hard week but i did not slip up and the weeks nearly over. Start my part time work 20 hours next week and it could not have come at a better time for me. The hours fit around the school runs which is good, i like to pick my sons up myself and it also saves a little money not needing childminder. Have wednesdays of and i am going to continue with my counselling. Weekends i dont have time to gamble and all my time is going to be spent on my sons. Time to work hard and try and re-establish my career, before i get any older. Been over a week now since my slip and last night i had the weirdest dream, i was about 14 playing the old bar x, £4 token jackpot. Strange cos i won the jackpot 6 times and i left the arcade with a pocket of tokens, then i woke up all sweaty... counselling is igniting some emotions and feeling which were so deep and buried inside me, i find the whole concept scarey, i had my barriers and slowly they are crumbling....... The whole concept of exploring why and how we feel as we do is kinda of mind numbing and painful.

So monday will be 12 weeks, my one and only slip is getting further behind me, so 9 days gamblie free and my determination to rid my life of gambling is stronger than ever. The pain and shame i felt from my last slip was realy quite bad, that alone is food for thought and to back that up it made me feel even more depressed and angry with myself. So lesson learnt i am back on tack and this time NO SLIP UP.

Hope you all have good weekend and thank you so much for all the support, this forum realy is a godsend for me. Take care all, ands

Hi Ands,

Great to hear you feeling more positive and committed to your counselling. It's not pleasant coming to terms with the reasons for past behaviour, but in my opinion crucial to a full recovery. Without understanding why we felt the need to gamble, I think all our respective chances of a full life are pretty slim.

Really pleased u r feeling better and hope u have a good weekend with your boys,

Take care,

DT.