the end of the road, a new start on the way

Hi ands,

just a quick note to say hope you are ok. Going through a bit of a down in the dumps phase, so not posting much. But it will pass.

Hope new job is going alright, will catch up with your diary soon.

Take care,

Fx

Day 84, things just aren't going right for me, turned up for work only to find that the contract had been cancelled last week. So i have no job, feeling pretty f***** off, fed up and just wanna cry. Going to go back to doctors and get something to lift my mood. I miss my old job, family and old friends so much....... Only if i never gambled life would be so different now, i'd have my job, family and friends and i'd prob be happy. My sons went to school today looking miserable , weekend was not good at all and all in all life is s**t. My sons want to see there grandparents but my parents simply dont care,

I have not gambled over the weekend nor will i gamble today, 2 weeks wednesday since my last slip, god im such a f*****g fool, a complete utter ******.

Take care all, ands

Hi ands,

Goodness you and me are going through the mill my friend. We are both as miserable as sin!!

I will try to cheer you up with a joke...

"knock, knock"

"Who's there?"

"I smell app"

"I smell app who"

Get it????

Cheer up ands......love fromJas x

Ands my friend. That is such a bummer about the job. Shame they didn`t contact you.

Day 84. A really big well done. Not easy but that is a real mile stone for you. I can " feel " your determination.

Andy, I wish there was something I could do for you right now. Just wish you weren`t beating yourself up so much. Just like DT, you are making huge strides. In time , I am sure that your counselling will benefit but it is hard facing up to all this stuff. Been there mate.

As for your folks not wanting to see the kids, that`s cruel and in the end will be your folks loss.

Not just saying this but you come across as a very decent and sensitive person Andy. I think if you and I ever met up we would get along very well.

Truly thinking of you.

Hi Ands,

So sorry to hear about your job, how much rubbish do you have to go through? You are doing so well in your recovery, I'm afraid its gotta be a case of dusting yourself down (again) and knuckling down for the battles ahead.

Staying away from gambling will give you the strength to fight all this and come out the end a better person. Work, friends will be part of that. I've no idea how hard it must be to bring up your boys with so much stress around you, but I think you are coping incredibly well and are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

I'm really rooting for you and wait for the day when things turn around for you.

(k sends her love and support),

Take care,

DT.

Sending out big hugs to ya brother. There is nothing wrong with crying. Yes they are being heartless but that`s not your fault. This might sound hard but if they are that way would you want them around the boys. Sending you good vibes buddy. You are a real fighter no matter how you beat yourself up. I have a ton of respect for you.

Ands,

what can I say? you are having a rubbish time, and Im so sorry. You deserve a change of luck. Glad you are seeing doctor, its probably wise to get some support. You couldn't make it up mate.

Thinking of you,

Hugs,

f x

Hi Ands,

Sorry to here your latest bad news mate, you really do deserve a break mate, What can i say other than life can really be 's**t' at times, All i can say is we are in this for the long run, we just got to do the best we can, and so far you have done your best, that's all you can do all anyone can do. Hold onto the positives the 'boys' your inner strength, i can see it's there.

Hope the trip to the docs helps mate, thinking about you, stay strong my friend.

green x

Thanks for all your posts and support, since starting my diary and recovery nothing has gone right at all. The agency knew last thursday that the contract had been cancelled, but apparently forgot to inform me, charming ay!!!

My sons again asked tonight to speak to there grandparents, i have told them they have gone away for a while. I realy dont give a f*** if my parents talk to me but for my 2 sons they are so out of order, my sons have done f*** all wrong,, I hate seeing my sons crying like any parent hates seeing there child upset. So fed up with all this f*****g s**t, starting to realy P*** me off.

I still know tho this is all down to my gambling addiction i believe this is my punishment, my luck when gambling was f*****g dire and so is my luck when im not gambling!

Heartless b******s, guess i was too when i was gambling, as the saying goes, what comes around goes around.

My luck has to change at some point.

Andy buddy, so hate to see your pain. Can I ask you something? Are you on speaking terms with your folks? If so, is it possible to contact them and tell them that the kids want to see them? Sorry, not much of a help here.

I would really like to see your fortunes change, as I believe they will. I went through that dreadful self beating. My wife told me that if she left me at home she was worried that she may come back and find me dead. I would call the Samaritans, I used to be one in my late 20`s.

Again I will say it. You are a decent, sensitive bloke. You are doing everything to put things right. Again, I wish i could say more to help. Thinking about you.

Day 85, i will not gamble today... Could not sleep last night, realy am feeling depressed. Thought these dark days where behind me. My sons in bed sleeping, will wake them up soon for bath and breakfast then take them to school.

Graham, to answer your question, no i am not, haven't spoken to my parents for a while now, they have changed there phone numbers. Last time i spoke to them basically they told me, my boys and i are not part of the family and dont want anything to do with us. My dad is a very strict man stuck in his own ways, as a child i could never doing anything to please him, i was frequently dumped on my grandparents, was not taken on family holidays etc and never felt like a member of the family. I was beaten with various objects and i was genuinely unloved. That is why i started to play fruit machines at an early age, the fruit machines where my true family, i used to get comfort and a feeling of pleasure playing them.........But my recent slip changed everything cos now its not the same. They dont comfort me anymore! So today i hope that my doc will give me some pills, my life is such a flaming mess, suicide is not option because my sons would be without a dad, infact they would be left with no one. If i did not have my boys i can honestly say i would be still gambling now or i would be at the bottom of the thames.

take care all, sorry

Hi ands

I hear what you are saying regarding your parents. I can relate to it almost 100%. The trouble is my father still has some sort of hold over me. I'm not sure what it is. I am trying to break free but it is taking time. I still put his expectations on myself today even though I no longer see or speak with him. He hasn't done anything positive in my life for me but I pity him. He has missed out in a way but he doesn't care. I have a lovely daughter of nearly 3 years old and he's seen her twice. This recovery has to be, first and foremost, about us. You have to rise to the challenges that you see yourself. Everything that has happened in your life has made you the person in your life today. I can tell you are a decent human being so never forget that. Just take it day by day. I know that's sometimes tricky but it will get better. Remember Netline is here for you to speak with. I went on there in the early days and resented what someone told me. It was the best thing I'd ever heard as I got real about recovery. This is your turn to make the difference in "your" life. Everything else falls into its rightful place in due course.

Take care

Steve E

Morning Ands,

let me know how you go on at the doctors. Sounds like you may be depressed and need the help of medication. It can work wonders you know and isn't at all addictive these days.

Just a thought but why don't your sons write a letter or a make a little card for their grandparents...send it through the post.......it may be a hard thing to contemplate but give it a go. It would be one hell of a heartless person to ignore that gesture! Keep trying to leave the door open between your boys and their grandparents. If they choose to ignore then so be it...but the time will come round when your lovely sons have grown up and you will be able to explain to them that you did everything in your power to help them to communicate with their grandparent. It's a hard thing to do, so much easier to be s h i t t y but believe me the "nice and friendly" approach really does work. It's the old "hearts and minds" thing. I'm trying it at the moment with my 17 year old daughter and she has actually now told me where she is living!

Chin up sweetie, this rough patch will smooth out. Thinking of you.

Jas x

Hi mate,

Hope the trip to the docs go's OK, i feel down to at the moment, and i know for a fact you have and are going through a lot more than me, but me and you really have got to, pick up and keep going, were lucky blokes mate we have beautiful kids that we love and mean the world to us, yet at times we get so caught up in the 's**t' of life we struggle to see it, we have come along way where the gambling is concerned. And like you say for the kids we need to keep going, I have Maddy here in a bit and hate her to see me like this, moody not happy, don't want to play, heck it ain't her fault.

suppose what I'm saying mate is we have lots to be grateful for, i know life can be s**t, but we are on the right road, the road that i honestly belive will lead to happiness for you and the boys, and me and Maddy, we knew it wasn't going to be a smooth journey, but we can and will get there.

keep strong mate.

green x

Thanks for your posts, been docs and have been giving a months supply of anti depressants, got to go back to docs in 2 weeks time. Have cancelled my counselling tomorrow and will resume next week. Life's hard and trying to hold it together is even harder, have cooked a nice meal for my sons who are eating as i am typing.

take care and thanks for your support, ands