the end of the road, a new start on the way

Hi Ands,

Pleased you have been to the doctors and got some medication. Something to stabilise the mood would be a godsend for you at the moment. I feel your pain in your posting and really hope things improve for you soon.

Boy you deserve it for a change.

Take Care,

DT.

Day 86, 2 weeks now since my slip up, so that is now getting further behind me...boys at school and my house is far too quiet. Feeling so depressed have taken my pills and know they take a little time to work. Could not handle counselling today, finding it realy hard to be honest!

The funny thing is life was kinda better when i was gambling, i had my job, family and friends. By confessing to all bout my wrong doings i have lost it all apart from my 2 sons, which i also almost lost too! Over 12 weeks into my recovery and i realy need to snap out of my self pity as my sons need an emotional stable dad. But i dont know how too.

Can honestly say trying to overcome this gambling addiction is the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. Just wanna cry, wished i could just escape from myself for a few hours!

Anyay i will not gamble today!

take care all, ands

ands,

so sorry you are in so much pain. hang in there and the pills will start making you feel better in a few weeks. try to focus on just getting through today. if you think about the pressure of being a single parent for years to come - it will c*****e you.

ands I was very depressed last year, still am quite depressed. But i was in that scary place too, where it seems hard to get through the next ten minutes let alone ten days. If there was one thing I could tell myself if I could go back in time its this:

You are not thinking straight at the moment, because things are really hard. When you look into the future, you are looking through distorted eyes. So the vision of the future you are seeing will never happen - its an illusion. The future will never be as scary as it seems now - when you are feeling better, your perspective will shift back into focus like a camera lens, and a lot of the fear will literally disappear like a mirage.

Ands I promise.

Take care,

f x

Hi ands

Take it nice and easy. Recovery is a tricky path we tread. Some days are better than others. If I were you, I would contact GA by phone and have a chat with someone in your area. I'm sure someone would be happy to pop round and speak with you on a level. I went to AA years ago and never went to a duff meeting. Admittedly some better than others but it made me realise I was not on my own. I thought the world was against me and everyone was out to make my life hell. So on and so forth. Then I stopped drinking and my life got better until my gambling kicked off. I realied straight away that is was addiction. Hopefully I've exorcised the demons finally.

Take care and love to your littl' uns

Steve E

Hi Mate

Hope you didnt take one of my posts the wrong way, about negative posts. For me personally it doesnt help me to be down all the time, but as you know, it is so so hard to be in a upbeat mood when nothing is going for us. It really is!

Ive read your diary with interest lately, and you made a point of your folks not wanting to be involved with your children. I know that feeling, it kills me inside. I have two little children, and because i am 400 miles away from my parents, its hard for them to build up a relationship with them. But you know what, they dont even try, my youngest is 2 and my parents have never even seen her, my eldest is 4, and they have seen her once, when i took her down.

Sure i could take them down, but feel miffed that i have to make the effort, so i have kinda given up. Hurts but hey hoo thats life, and so long as they have me, just like your kids have you, then thats all that matters.

Im hoping things start to improve for you soon, and good or bad, please use this diary as you see fit, ill keep up with your progress, because someone who can raise kids alone as my respect.( hope im right there) you have deleted early posts.

take care mate.

neil

Hi Ands

hi again,i can see you are a genuine guy, whos had it tough to say the least. Thanks for sharing your story with me, i was touched. What happened in the past as now gone, we must live each day as it comes now, and surely if we can keep away from gambling life can only improve. Please use and write on my diary as u feel, and please dont feel as tho you have to contribute, as it is just now my life is a bit dull and boring, but i have my health, my kids, and a roof over my head, im grateful for that alone. I Fully intend to stay away from gambling all together. was fruit machines for me, then roulette. Keep going pal, things will start to improve im sure, its just a slow progress. take care

neil

Hi Ands,

I just wanted to say that i have read your recent thoughts and my thoughts are with you at this tough time. Take life one day at a time as always. Regards.. S.A 🙂

Glad you enjoyed my post.

Make sure you smile at least once a day, if you are having trouble getting there, feel free to picture me having another nosebleed 😉

Take care,

f x

Hi Ands,

Thinking of you at this time, hope things are not too bad for you and your boys,

Take care,

DT.

Day 87, i have not gambled today

thanks for all your posts, spent the day doing nothing......... boys in bed and another depressing day draws to a close.

Deleted my earlier posting, cos i dont want me or anyone to read that s**t..... realy did not think my life would turn out like this, what a mess, god i wished these bloody tablets would kick in and make me either spaced out or alittle less depressed.

take care all

Hi Ands,

Day 87 Another day to be proud of mate, i here what your saying and do feel for you mate, depressing days, the autumn on it's way i hate cold weather, dark nights, but I'm sure just the same as me you have spent many of them in the arcade, running back and forward to the cash point, until all the moneys gone, Why am i telling you this? Because that was my life to, i forget that feeling, the buzz of the 'win' then the feeling of sheer desperation when I'm on my way home, only pennies in my pocket, thinking who will borrow me some cash, who can i steal from, who can i lie to next.

These are the traits of a gambler, That's what we were....Now were not, just wanted you to see your winning the fight, the boys tucked up in bed, a good dad there to get them up in the morning, who loves them.

Hope the pills kick in and do the trick, i was on medication for some time for this mate and it can help.

your winning ands don't lose sight of that.

be strong mate I'm rooting for you.

green x

Day 88, i will not gamble today.... Thanks Green, needed that post cheers!

Could not sleep last night, up early my sons still in the land of nod, be waking them up soon for breakfast and school run. They look so peaceful and cute, sat on my yongests sons bed for about an hour this morning, he was smiling in his sleep obviously having a nice dream... I say bless them and to Green, Happy neil and others who have kids, children are special and should be cherished with all our hearts! Feel depressed but that last post of Greens has made me think, i am doing ok, 88 days and 1 slip this slip was over 2 weeks ago now! I have not stolen or lyed now for over 12 weeks, thats an achievement for me, i know i sound like a right crimbo but hey that was me then and like ~Green was saying i am winning the fight.

I used to have to steal food just to feed my sons, disgusting realy but hey not anymore, used to have no gas or electric but hey not anymore. They put prepaid meters in cos i never paid my bills, and back then gambling came before the essentials of life.

I say come on andrew, snap out of it, snap out of it, come on andrew! think of your sons, stop the self endulgence and self pity. GET A f*****g GRIP>>>>>>>MAN. stop the tears and force yourself to be a normal human being......................... You can do it andrew, so f*****g do it!

sorry to whoever reads this im just encouraging myself...................

take care all

snap out of andrew, get a grip

Hi ands

From where I'm standing you have snapped out of it and you have got a grip. It's all about maintaining your grip that counts. Keep it nice and easy in the day and keep posting. There is a fair bit for us to deal with regarding our pasts. This canot be done quickly it is a time consuming effort. Sometimes very draining on ourself. You sometimes have to dig that little bit deeper for that inner strength that is in you.

Take care

Steve E

Hi Ands,

I often say similar things to myself,....get a f*****g grip, pull yourself together, strange how we know what we need to do, we even know to some degree how to do it........it's the actual doing it and realizing your doing it thats the hard part.

I woke this morning with the same thought, pull yourself together, get a grip. Sorry to say still thinking of the 'girl' what a d**k head ey. It's that bloody time thing again for us both mate, there really is no other solution, well one i can see. Just keep as busy as you can and get through each day, right enough of my b******t...:-) I'm off to the gym, and trust me i feel like going to the gym about as much as i feel like sticking a burning rod up my a**!!

Keep strong, keep fighting, and have a good weekend with the boys.

speak soon mate.

green x

Hi ands

I have read your recent posts on myself and Neil's threads. During your post you say sorry for dribbling on and sorry for leaving so abruptly. Why are you saying sorry for being you. I know it's curteous and all that but if you are you then you have no need to apologise to anyone. Stand up and be counted. In fact next time you're on my diary dribble more than you ever thought you could if it makes you feel better. If I don't like it then that's tough. If it keeps you from gambling today then it has done its job. As for thinking about time forget it. We all have but one day and that is today. Have a good quality day today and after a while the quantity falls in to place. Do not fall into the trap of wishing you could do X amount of days without a bet. Just my opinion and a load of dribble on your diary (LOL) but it bloody well works for me.

Take care

Steve E