the end of the road, a new start on the way

Day 107, i will not gamble today!

thanks for your posts, take care all

Man, that could be me speaking. When I was at my worst folk probably looked at me and thought I was the guy that had it all. Big house with sea views, business doing well. Great wife but inside I was full of fear. I had moved away from aged parents and the idea was to build up the business, achieved that, sell it on and move back with a profit in the bank. Interest rates went through the roof, unemployment soared so my ambition was squashed.

Dad then got dementia. Oh that just killed me inside. Only child and not really being able to help Mum being 200 miles away. I felt so s..tty about it. Beat myself up, still do to this day.

Scared that business would dry up. Frightened that I would not be able to pay the house mortgage which had nearly doubled due to high interest rates. I was terrified. Some how our " friends " provided a fix from all that stress. Winning wasn`t an issue so I know what you are saying.

So what you have wrote isn`t so nuts.

Tbh, I think you were a very much run of the mill gambler. I have met many like us. Playing for the sedative nature that the machines bought us.

Sure you miss them as they did become like friends. I once spoke about them being very seductive women. You feed them, toy with them, ruin yourself over them but they never come across.

Sorry i had to leave the chat room in a hurry. A second chance? Punishment. Not in my book.

Would like you to think about the following. Is compulsive gambling normal? Is stealing, lying, de frauding, prostitution to fund the habit normal? No it`s not. When we get to that point we are ill, sick people. In fact we are insane and I mean that in a clinical sense. Do we punish the insane, of course not. Do we allow them a second chance in life as they get better. I hope so.

I am going to tell you something about 99% of all the compulsive gamblers I have met in recovery.

All are decent human beings. They are sensitive, intelligent many are quite spiritual people.

Ands I don`t know you as a mate to hace a beer with. Pity about that. However i have read your posts, seen you in chat and feel i know a little something about you and what have I found?

Yes a sensitive guy, in fact far more sensitive than most. I have found you to be a caring kind of bloke. Doing a great yet difficult job bringing up 2 kids with little support.

OK. Day one. This is when you start forgiving yourself and not beat yourself up. It`s hard but you are doing well in recovery.Those boys don`t need a Dad who is constantly berating himself. I`m proud of many here Andy and in particular very proud of you my friend.

Please think about it Andy. You were an insane person, just like me but you are now on the road to recovery.

Hi Ands,

Thanks for the post mate, Nothing much to say today my friend, life go's on for you and me in our separate way's, sometimes good days, sometimes tough days, but it go's on. And as a recovering gambler i think we look a little deeper than we need to some times.

Just keep going my friend, keep busy with the boys and keep living your life, as the new you, I'm 100% we are heading in the right direction, sometimes it's like we need to pause and rest for a little while, but then it's back up and keep going....:-)

speak soon mate, stay strong.

green x

Hi Ands

must admit i was a bit taken a back by your 'punishment' comment in chat earlier.

I try to speak as i find, and i have found you to be , caring, honest, open , intelligent , funny, not forgetting A GOOD DAD ......

(NOW DON'T ARGUE WITH ME ...LOL XX)

I hope that in time you lighten up on yourself Ands...... there are plenty of people in this life willing to knock us......... dont knock yourself .....

You take care

STAY STRONG

Kim xxxxx

Hi Ands,

I second what Graham says. You are a kind, intelligent, loving, sensitive person. Sometimes I imagine it must be harder being sensitive when you are a bloke. At least as a woman its a bit more socially acceptable to have a cry, it just gets passed off as womens troubles, lol.

I really feel for you because I think you will make someone a very happy woman, but you are just starting to find your feet and a relationship probably seems too scary just yet. It wont always be like this though.

Have you had any more thoughts on how you could meet some new friends? i know it must be hard socialising with your boys to think of - but didnt you mention you used a childminder you trusted, when you were gambling?

Its so hard making new friends when you are in your thirties, I have the same problem. Ive been really trying to push myself though, to at least go out and be around new people. Its gradually getting easier.

Anyways, enjoyed talking in chat tonight. If this makes any sense - I think you will start feeling better with more counselling, but might feel a bit worse first. I found that bringing up all the painful feelings made me more depressed initially, but very soon after that I really started making progress.

Its so true what graham says about fear. Our feelings are sometimes what we fear most. I used to think i would literally get so overwhelmed with my feelings that the pain would kill me. Now I know it doesnt. you are facing your fears in counselling, and this i believe will make your depression start to shrink away.

Take care,

f x

Hey buddy, thanks for the post and i don`t want it deleted. hey a couple of beers on the Barbican, best leave early before the fights break out, lol.

Day 108, i will not gamble today!

Thank you for your posts, realy helpful and thoughtful, much appreciated!

Im glad its friday and the weekend is nearly here, have applied for 3 jobs this week and 4 last week, hopefully i will get an interview.

take care all and have good weekend! ands

No buddy you didn`t depress me. I really like your honesty. Hope those job applications pay off very soon.

Hi ands,

really glad you have found a single dads group to try, it sounds ideal!

You will all have an understanding of being a single parent, and the different ways that affects your life.

hope it goes ok.

f x

Hi ands and thank you for your uplifting comments in my diary. One of the things I have struggled with in my life is giving myself a pat on the back and seeing the positives in what i have acheived. I guess in part it comes from living alone. Anyway thank you.

Likewise I see a man who is working his recovery hard and through dfficult times.. I take my cyber hat off to you. I shall continue to follow your diary, though as i mentioned in my diary I may not post as much... too much time in cyber space is not so healthy for me. warm regards.. S.A 🙂

Day 109/110, i have not gambled over the weekend, thankyou for your posts...

Been one of those weekends i'd rather forget, so i shall....But the main thing is i never gambled, life goes on and i love my boys....

take care all, ands

Hi ands.. great stuff on your gambling free weekend.. S.A 🙂

Hi Ands,

Like S.A says, well done another gamble free weekend, maybe not your best weekend but a gamble free one non the less, speak soon mate. Nothing more to say than keep up the good work !

green x

Day 111, thanks Green and SA for your posts.

I will not gamble today, be 6 weeks wednesday since my one and only slip..The urges to gamble are definitely fading, just got sort the rest of the s**t out! Like the way i feel etc....Feel quite tired and sick today, have not slept properly for a while now and appetite gone. Get weighed at docs once a week as i am losing weight. I however am winning my battle and the days are piling up without gambling.. So i plod on, job hunting and being a gamble free dad for my 2 beautiful, caring, loving sons who i adore....

take care all, ands