the first day of the rest of my life

So pleased to hear from someone who is a long way down the line of their recovery journey. This gives us all real hope that this CAN be done and that life can be so much better when we choose not to gamble.

All the very best and keep living life to the full!

GT

Christmas is coming and this year instead of being miserable and very bah humbug, I am quite looking forward to the festivities. I still havent found a job, but financially we are coping, it is amazing how far your money goes when it isnt gambled away daily. Life is good, bridges are building, the pain I put everyone through is beginning to fade and we are managing to laugh again. To anyone who reads this who is still struggling to stop, please please be strong, really trully life is so much better when you dont gamble. Take one day at a time and refuse to be beaten. It has worked for me so far.

Hi maddie and thanks for posting in my diary means a lot.

Not read yours fully yet but well done on everything you had achieved and you are so right you money does go a lot further when you don’t waste it I am looking forward to next Christmas hopefully by then I will be 1 year in.

Good luck x

I am spending a lot of time on here again, reading and commenting onother peoples diaries, I am trying to avoid the complacency setting in, as it frequently does for me, when I have been in control for a long time. I dont have as many urges to gamble as previously, but they are still there occasionally. I am already wondering what will happen when my betfilter licence expires in March, will I suddenly be able to gamble again, does anyone know? I am still job hunting and that is a real pain, but being out of work has an upside, I get to see my youngest daughter and my grandchildren loads, as I am the back up for school runs etc...so loving that. i would say that my relationship with my girls is more or less back to normal, I feel trusted again and I feel like they want to be in my company and not just there out of duty. Giving up gambling is the hardest most single thing I have ever done, but the benefits far outweigh the moronic pushing of the slot machine buttons and the adrenalin rush that provided. Feeling calm and knowing that everything coming out of my mouth is true and not a fabricated story is wonderful, My daughter says she can see in my eyes that I am telling the truth, they all saw straight through me in my bad days, and I thought I was so clever at covering my tracks......!

Anyway another day gamble free for me, I still do one day at a time....it works.

WOW...Hi Maddie...I never knew you had a diary??? How on earth did I miss this??

Well its down with my book and over to your diary..Im so glad your on here and that you are ok..

take care....going back now to post to you on my diary ..LOL (((xxx))))..Rach n Doo xx

Hi again Maddie...just read your whole diary and now writing with my support too to add to your diary which coincidently you started on my birthday!

...few things you said there that I wanted to respond to..totally understand how you never wanted to go down the alcohol route after your father..im ashamed given loosing a parent the same as you to the demon drink that I started to take a drink in my late 30's.

The relationship with your 2nd daughter also struck a chord as for very different reasons this was similar to the one I had with my sister in law (who is old enough to be my mum)..What brought us together again after many years of estrangement was the subject of babies....

To cut a very long story short and not hijack your diary..I was adopted and by the age of 14 both my adoptive parents had died and I went to live with relatives.Suddenly my brother and sister in law had one very angry teenager on their hands trying to integrate me with their own two children who are a few years younger than me.

At 18 i was out of there.... sighs of relief on both sides.Many years estranged...I grew up. In my 30's I traced my birth mother..sent ripples through the family.My sister in law particularly scathing..why? i was called ungrateful? a lot of fear..turns out my sis in law gave a child away ..big family secret and he was also looking for her!!

Of all the people in the family she came to me..told me a lot i didn't know about her life,my brother (who also sadly died 7 years ago )and adopting her first son out.A lot of healing happened.

Her own son and daughter know now and have accepted it but she fearerd her own children would desert her.

Now..neither me or my sister in law keep in touch with our reunited blood relatives.In both cases it didnt work out.....BUT ...she and I are like mother/daughter,sister and friend to each other and very close...The point of the story is that my sister in law took a massive risk telling me about things that happened in her past..(given our history I could have seen this as my golden opportunity to "make her pay"for being so hard on me) but it brought us closer together and allowed me to make sense of how she was and for her to make sense about how I was (her dad also alcoholic)....sorry for rambling but I know there is hope for even the most damaged family relatiionships Maddie and I know how important your family is to you.It looks like you and your family are healing so well and you should feel very proud xxxx (((xxx)))

hiya Maddie....left you a note on my diary but just popping in to say thank you again for thinking of me and being a terrific support for me all through my continued recovery.....sending you big hugs my cyber friend ...(((XXXX)))) and keep posting xxxx

Thank you so much for reading my ramblings, and sharing your story with me also. As a family we are healing, but I know that I could bust it all open in a second, and I feel I hold a time bomb most of the time. I never want to go back to that awful place, and I just hope I have the strength to continue along this path, and it is people like you and others on this site that help me. I do get very scared but hold onto the fact that each day that I am not gambling, lying and cheating, and each day I am stronger than the one before. Stay with me Rachel because I need you as much as you need me!!! :o) xxxx hugs xxxx

am with you Maddie and now I've found your diary theres no stopping me....lol..

Was thinking about CODA and Westlife and thinking you may have more chance of seeing some handsome fellas than me!! lol (I think its all women)

I think you have got so much strength Maddie and I hope you recognise that and feel good inside knowing that you are gamble free.

Its not needed in your life....and I am so happy your family is healing...I know how good that feels .Keep posting Maddie...I'm here for the long haul....its unconditional xxxxxx (((((M)))))))xxxxxx..Big hugs.....Rach n Dot xxxxx.

ps Just realised Ive never been to Bournmouth in my life.....absorb that sea air and relax xxx...

hiya Maddie...putting you back up into page 1...now I've worked out this posting thing..been posting twice on here! no wonder people wondering why my diary is always near the top..lol

Got a bit desperate really with the hypnosis cd...you're right about baby steps...I just thought i'd be further on by now but keep having a few dips back into that stinking thinking...least I've not gone and got a rebound man yet as a painkiller which is probably what I would have done by now.

Are you ok? ready for weds? ...hopefully you saw some sea this weekend..don't know what its like where you are but its minus 2 here tonight....even Dot doesn't want to go out for a wee wee....

Keep posting Maddie...someone recommended for me to read a lady called Muppety' s diary ...I found it in ask gamcare....she just disappeared in around March of last year but i'm sure you will have seen her posts.

Keep safe Maddie and am eating that cake ,bics and having that cuppa U ..BIG HUGS ...(((((((M)))))))))) xxxxxxxx.

Thanks Rachel, I am ready for WIW but there is no hope ths week, I made a lovely Date and pecan cake on Sunday, and you eat it sliced with butter on, BIG mistake, I have eaten the bl**dy lot!!! but it is delicious, and I enjoyed it. Sadly we never got to the beach on Sunday, my uncle called up and put us off as he felt poorly, he is 85 so I guess he allowed an off day. So we went out for a chinese!!! I dont think I have read the posts you mentioned but I will. I am busy at the moment recovering a chair for my daughter, such fun I am loving it and it looks quite good so far! take care, chin up and dont rush things, catch up later...big hugs back xxxxxx

thanks Maddie ...Look at you Mrs Interior design...see you for WIW.....had a 4 stick kit kat but can feel the choccy bics may be out at tonights meet .....big hugs ((((MXXXX))))xx....___________ (this is my empty plate awaiting next batch of date n pecan please!..lol)

Hey Maddie,.....just back from CODA and doing my nightly posting .....WIW??? what happened....nearly forgot to weigh today but I have and I am down on last week by 3 lbs!! ...No idea why as have been carbing up to keep warm...done a lot of walking though...still waiting for my cyber Date n Pecan LOLxxx.Hope your well Maddie xxxtake care and keep warm...its arctic here!! -2 tonight xxxxx((((((M))))))) BIG HUGS xx

Maddie..your gonna have to start posting more often as my stubby lurpacked fingers are struggling with the touch screen buttons....did I say lurpack??? (a-hem) I meant Flora!! ...

Whats all this ? WIW ...north v south...a no show from the southern contender!!.(hee hee)

Only kidding my friend....glad to hear from you as you know I worry ...post your holiday dates so I wont send out the search party...

Glad your well Maddie...and will let you off this week!!!...its cold so we will need more insulation...My weight loss is more by fluke more than anything..been living on soup and as im doing all these meetings I have been coming home fro m work..grabbing soup and whizzing out again...let me know how its going for you with other parts of your life...don't go missing now!

Sending you a (_______)......tupperware box for some more cake WITH lurpack now we are off the programme.......and big (((((M.HUGS..M )))) for you from me and xxxxxxxxx wuffski wuff from Dotty dog xxx

Do you know I have swopped addictions, gambling for food, I have absolutely no willpower, and just want to graze constantly!

More worringly I brought a scratch card today, I was paying for petrol and I swear someone elses voice asked for it and paid for it and put it in my handbag, where did that come from? Snuck up from behind, thats what. I know it is not a huge crisis in terms of my history, but buying a £5 scratchcard is not what I want to be doing, and I literally had no warning triggers.

Now this leads me onto preparing myself for 2 days at my daughters next week, whilst she is away on a business trip. Their computer doesnt have blockers on it and I know the password, so tomorrow I must go and empty my bank accout of cash or else I may be very tempted to gamble, particularly as it is on my mind already. I cannot bring it up with my daughter and ask her to change password, because it will rip off the sticking plaster that holds us together at the moment, if she thinks she cannot trust me still we will go back 2 years, and i cannot do that or bear that for that matter. So tomorrow I will post and let you know that bank account is safe and cash is under the mattress!!! Thanks Rachel for keeping a check on me, I do need support still, its not always plain sailing. BIG HUGS xxxxxx