the first day of the rest of my life

1 month...phew I made it, wages going in the bank overnight and there is no way i can touch it!. That is such a good feeling .A funny thing happened today, my husband had 2 bills from 2 different ***, for 8 games and dvds that hadnt been returned. someone has stolen either our post or his new bank card that hasnt arrived yet. How calm was I, normally I would have been at the bottom of it somewhere through my misdeeds, but i was able to look him in the eye and say categorically it had nothing to do with me! I then had a major panic and thought if this person has his bank card the wages could all be gone tomorrow and I would be innocent but who would believe me! We tread such a fine line. The card has now been cancelled and hopefully no one bar my husband can touch the money tomorrow! back to gambling...no real urges which is good and I feel good, my sister has sent me some links to some self help sites, which is huge step forward for us and that feels good, I never want to hurt them again as they do not deserve it. night night....

Great stuff Maddie,

A month free from gambling...

A month where you were in control... not the gambling in control of you...

A month where your money was used for you & yours instead of giving it to the industry for their families...

A month of finding new friends to share your journey...

A month that is your foundation, for you to grow upon...

Stay strong Maddie

Jackie

Hey Maddie,

First off, congratulations on reaching the first month gamble free. I've found that the milestone are a pleasure when you realise them, but the real boost is not having the huge lows plaguing my days an nights. Best of luck to the next marker on the journey.

As for the fraudulent transactions, you can be safe in the knowledge that you will be covered by the T&C's of the banks for these transactions, and should have it back within a few days. If he does telephone banking ask your husband to call up, or go into a branch over the next week or so, if it's anything like my experience with a similar situation it'll be back in your account in a fortnight or so.

All the best,

Ryan

maddie. . I have nt posted much on your diary but i have been keeping an interest. . Congratulations lass your determination is winning the battle my friend and its good to see. . Interesting to read you could nt get councilling for 2 weeks. Am quite suprised at that especially with us being comp gamblers. . Anyways is nt it more enjoyable spending time with the little ones being bet free. .best wishes heres to the next 4 weeks we can do this x . wp

The counselling service is way oversubscribed wp and it has been 2 weeks now but I havent heard yet, but i feel OK. My biggest problem is my youngest daughter, she really seems to hate me with a passion, she brings my grandson over but can barely stay 5 mins in the same room, she has an edge in her voice and cannot look me in the eye. How can I make this better? It tears my heart strings it makes my stomach churn and I feel bereft without her in my life properly, she is the one having the baby in July, I hoped that would bring us closer together but I am not sure now. My other daughter does at least have a conversation with me, and is a little more caring. I know I hurt them, the one person they could trust should have been me but I lied and stole from their credit cards. It is almost all paid back now, time is supposed to heal but this must be such a deep wound that 2 years later it can burst open in a second.

Hi Maddie,Like wp i follow your progress although i haven't posted on your diary in the past,my eldest Daughter has only recently started to speak to me again,and like you i was heartbroken without her in my life,it has taken ten months for her to start talking to me,and she is only just coming to terms with the fact that her Dad is a CG.The strange thing is that now that she has come to terms with it she is the most supportive of my Kids....,so don't give up,nothing stays the same :).

Seano.

Hi Maddie, thank you for your kind message on my diary. As you probably know i stole money from my son and i was so lucky he is supporting me, but he told his sister and she hasnt spoke to me since, i also miss my grandchildren it is a constant reminder of how i hurt them. I am trying not to feel guilty as guilt is an emotion very closely linked to gambling. I think our daughters will see that we are trying to help ourselves to come to terms with our addiction by using this site. They may not forgive straight away but if we persevere they surley will see we are moving on and doing our upmost. Your daughter comes to visit but obviously finds it hard when she is with you - have you actually spoke about it or does she refuse too? My daughter has just gone silent on me, she wont answer calls or visit but i am sure she will eventually and in the meantime i am working hard towards having something positive to tell her when she is ready to talk. Keep strong and gain strength from the fact that your daughter does make the effort to come and see you, even for short periods, she hasnt washed her hands on you and in time you will regain her trust. She is probably protecting herself incase it all goes wrong but you can show her that it wont!!!

Keep up the good work not gambling your diaries are inspiring!!

Linda

Thank you Sean & Linda, I have tried to talk but she gets hysterical and says the most dreadful things to me and rakes up things that happened 2 years ago, she puts us right back where we were, and I think you are right she is pre empting it happening again, she doesnt know about the latest gambling but I think suspects it has happened again. I do take comfort from the fact that I get to see my grandson, so I am lucky, it must be hard to have that taken away from you. Anyway we can do this, we can hold our heads high and keep this blasted addiction at bay, Keep going guys and thanks again, Love Maddie x

maddie. . I get like that with my ex. . We can go for weeks gettin on really well then all of a sudden it can get very nasty. . I think carmelly could be spot on. . Its all about gaining back that trust but thats just my opinion as a comp gambler. . Dreadful things and the past few years all seem to be at forefront of our squabbles. .we can only build on things one brick at a time. . Best wishes we can and will do this. .

Hey Maddie,

Hope all is well and you had good fun with your grandson.

Keep up the great work and have a good gamble free weekend x

Hi maddie!

Well done on staying gamble free.I think wp is right...your daughters main problem now is trust.

She will come around...just give her time.

This gambling evil affects everyone around us and it turns us who gamble into people we thought we never could be.

Stealing,the lies,mood swings,depressed,on a high,massive lows its all part of it!

Main thing is your clean and trying to put things right.

Stay on that road and and life for you and your family will only get stronger.

Might take some time but it will get better!

Stay Strong.

Viggo!

Hi Maddie,

Thank for your reply on my diary, the verse you included was really haunting!! scary but the truth! i wouldnt want to read it every day as i think it would turn me into a different sort of nutter! but once in a while as a reminder of what this awful addiction is then i think its good!

I am enjoying the weekend gamble free and hope you are enjoying yours? My daughter (the speaking one!!) pointed out that I am compulsive in other parts of my life eg: eating, I starve or binge, exercise, i am mad for it or cant be bothered to get up! and shopping i either wont spend my money or spend it like its going out of fashion! I just wandered if you had any other compulsive behaviours or am I on the way to being certified!! lol

Thank you again for your support and yes we can and will beat this!!

best wishes

Linda

Dear Diary, what is it withus CG's , mood up, mood down, up down down up, for goodness sake where is the consistency?? Feeling down again today, not gambled and am so pleased hubby has the money, and bills are leaving the account and not bouncing which is good news. VERY hung up on family or lack of at the moment. I cannot get my head round how people can turn there backs on their flesh and blood, if my family were experiencing this I would be trying to help them and would be compassionate and it makes me so frustrated that it is not that way for me, Is that selfish, yes probably, I turned my back on my dad when he was heavily addicted and dying from alcohol, is this my pay back? they say what goes around comes around. I fled from the hospital and he died alone because I couldnt cope with it. Some daughter I was. cowardly. Bleuh!

Hi Maddie

I just wrote my daily diary then read yours and cant believe how similar things are for us in some ways! you cant blame yourself for what happened to your dad please see that.

I have just found out my son has been gambling for a few years and recently daily in the bookies next to where he lives. I blame myself. Behaviour is learnt from those around you so in my case i have taught him! on the positive side though behaviour can be changed or no one would ever be able to get over this compulsive gambling! and there are people on here that are succesful.

Try not to feel down - today is a better day than it would have been if you gambled yesterday! just read the diary of someones blip to confirm that.

We can do it and we will do it!! for ourselves and our families.

best wishes and chin up!

Linda

Hi Maddie

Hope you are feeling a bit happier today?

I spoke to daughter (none speaking one!) last night and she has had a change of heart and is now prepared to support me but not wrap me in cotton wool like every one else seems to be doing (her words!)

Its good actually because a firm no messing response is better than none at all. She has also said i can go and visit them any time but she wont come to me as i need to learn to do things for myself!! funny a daughter saying that! I am so happy i can see grandchildren and now we are all speaking again.

Its payday today and my bank balance is very healthy this is not good for me! friday will not be easy but have no means of getting to my money so hopefully that and the self exclusion will be enough!

take care

we can do it and we will do it!!

Linda