The Mountain

Great news nat that the gf is back. May it remind you what u may risk again if you slide down that slope. Like I have said. I am at last chance saloon. Two weeks tomorrow is the longest gamble free I have been for 3/4 years. I am more determined this time. Hope u carry on this journey with me.

Keep up the good work.

A.n.d

Day 16

Still no gambling, although I have bought myself a lottery ticket tonight for the £80million Jackpot. Some might say I should quit doing the lotto as well to have complete abstinence, but I've always seen it as nothing serious anyway aand just a bit of a laugh. My lucky dip numbers for tonight are definitely a joke:

20,34,35,36,37 + lucky stars 6&9

Just goes to show even a £2 lucky dip is money badly spent!

Thanks Julie x It's day 18 for me today, my mood is very low but I feel strong in terms of having the resolve to not gamble. Reading lots of diaries and posts to gain more strength and inspiration as well.

I just wish I had found this forum a long time ago, if i'd found it a month ago I could of perhaps been £7k better off? If i'd have found it 3 months ago £20k? A full 7 months ago and I could of maybe been £50k better of who knows? One thing I'm sure of is a lot of pain could of been avoided had I sooner learnt some of the lessons that are being taught by the more experienced gamblers on here who are further along in their recovery.

I know there is no point living the past, but it has always been such an issue for me. That will be one of the biggest hurdles in my recovery, but going forward that is something I know to have to tackle in counselling if i'm to make the progress that is needed to abstain for life. Oh and it is so important that it will be for life now, if I am to have any kind of quality of life for myself that is.

Think of your family and what it would feel like to hurt and lose them and how the people you loved, and who loved you, will be affected for years to come.

Think of your kids and what it would feel like to see them go on another holiday without you and not even be able to give them any spending money to take with them.

Think of your ex-wife who might phone you in tears one day because she’s struggling to keep a roof over your children’s head because you’re not paying maintenance at the moment.

Think of what it might feel like to lose everything you worked so hard for and be left with nothing but crippling debt.

Think of how you might feel having to continuously ask friends for money again just to get you through the week and feed yourself.

Think about the innocent victims of your selfish addiction and its devastating repercussions that, 3 years on, you still don’t fully comprehend or appreciate.

Think about the constant struggle you may face just to keep your head above water and that, sometimes, you actually don’t want to come back to the surface for air.

Think of how you might be lucky enough to find love again only to hurt that person so much with your lies covering up your addiction that she has to take time off work as you’d made her ill - and then never getting her back and seeing her with someone else.

Think of how frustrated you might feel knowing that you’ve got so much to give, how you would work harder than ever before, start again at the ‘bottom’ with a true inner belief and burning ambition to rise again - yet no-one seems willing to give you another chance.

Think about the fact that you’re lining the wallets of the corporate fat cat Directors of the bookmaking industry who seem to think it’s socially acceptable to bombard the youth of today with a constant stream of advertising, and a gambling culture that our government condones and does f*** all about.

Think about how you might try your heart out to get any form of work again and what it would feel like to be rejected stocking food orders in f*****g Sainsbury’s’!

Stole this from a dark place. Quite powerful I thought. Hope u r still going strong. I try and remain positive but still get an urge. I can beat it. So can you. Hope things are starting to turn round in your life.

Getting there slowly.

We can do it nat.

A.n.d

Thanks Pal, yes very powerful indeed. I will read this over and over when I feel weak now.

We're both coming up to 3 weeks, but can't take our eye off of the ball for a second. Those evil gambling thoughts drift into you mind when you least expect. Happened when I was in the bath earlier, had to kill them straight away!

Day 25

Happy to report another gamble free weekend and now i'm rapidly approaching my first month!

I feel I really must have turned some kind of corner as I had an altercation in the park this morning whilst walking my dog and this kind of thing would typically be a trigger for me to go and have an online blowout at the blackjack table. Actually, as daft as it sounds, after a very similar incident in June I went on a 4 hour afternoon binge that cost me the best part of £2k! : (

Where's the logic, have a row at the park, get angry and then go damage myself emotionally/financially at home?! Completely warped. Well anyway, i'm glad to say those days are behind me and I hope to never revisit them.

nat

hope all is well nat. dont become complacent. get back and post regularly. its another week on the road to recovery for us. join the party. i have just finished work and sit typing away rather than gamble.

need to remain strong.

a.n.d

Day 30

Still gamble free but don't really feel any sense of achievement if I am to be honest. I have been feeling extremely low about everything this week and probably not a very nice person to be around.

Forgot to mention before that I quit my Gamcare counselling 2 weeks ago as I finally got my sessions at the NHS problem gambling clinic come through after being on the waiting list for ages. This is CBT based counselling and the clinic is situated in Soho, London. It is more convenient for me to get to and I have been very impressed with it so far. Saying that though, I am still battling myself a lot so probably haven't felt as much benefit as I could have. Only time will tell i guess.

Payday for me today, last one before Christmas! I know this will make me sound like Scrooge, but money is going to be very tight for me over the next month and I feel like I just want Christmas to completely pass me by... January is when I hope to really start getting my teeth into debt repayment and begin scaling the mountain that will be my financial recovery.

nat

Day 35

Depressed as hell, still gamble free but don't feel any better for it.

On a more positive note though, I found out that a good way of getting rid of door to door window salesmen quickly is to say "I am a recovering gambling addict with no money". The Zenith guy couldn't get away quick enough tonight!

nat

Day 44

Over a week since I last posted but glad to report i'm still gamble free. Feeling a little more positive in myself and had quite a productive counselling session today. Now i'm just looking forward to enjoying my weekend off from work. Would love to just relax and do nothing but really have to start christmas shopping now and also we still need to get our tree.

Hope everybody on here enjoys a nice gamble free/stress free weekend anyway...

nat

Well Done Nat! keep it going fella!

I'm 20 days gambling free and pretty depressed and very low these days. That's one thing about heavy compulsive gambling, not only does it rob you blind financially, it wreaks havoc with your mental health. Something i've not really paid too much attention to until now. My mental health has definitely deteriorated to worrying levels. I guess its one day at a time. For each day that pass's for me and for you and others, our mental health can only improve and get better.

Anyway.. just a small post. Keep it going. I'm determined to go all of 2014 with no gambling. If i can achieve that it will by far be my biggest achievement ever in life. Hopefully you can do the same!

cheers

Day 50

So I have reached the half century gamble free, it has been easier than I anticipated really and especially this last week I haven't struggled with many urges at all. This is now my best stretch in 5 years, so I guess I should feel some sense of achievement. I don't though and I see that 50 days as more of a signal of intent to my girlfriend and my family that I am now truly committed to getting better. I feel until I really see my life improving it will be difficult to pat myself on the back.

I turn 32 on Saturday but feel I have little to celebrate at the moment due to being in such deep debt. I will put a brave face on though, keep it simple on saturday and just try and appreciate the things I do have. 7-8 weeks ago it looked like I was on the verge of losing everything and 2013 has been such a nightmare year that I should just be over the moon to leave 31 and '13 behind!

nat

Hi nat,

Fantastic achievement!! You should be proud. Little milestones adding up to the great success.

Happy upcoming birthday too. I am sure you will have a great day. Money is not everything, there are much more important things in life. ..and mainly the loved ones surrounding you.

You are doing great and i wish you well in your ongoing recovery.

Day at a time

Take care

Sandra x

Hi, as you will see this my first post of the New Year. I have been on here reading pretty much everyday but haven't got around to posting in the last few weeks unfortunately. I am 70 days gamble free now and I'm still attending the soho gambling clinic, although my last session is next monday. I've been having on and off thoughts about gambling especially in the last week, but I just I put that down to my mood being very low in general. I'm still very much determined not to go back to my old ways though as I know I simply have too much to lose.

My current gambling debt is £47,250 (down from £49,500) but I will talk about this in more detail in my next post. I don't have the energy for an essay today! The purpose of today's entry is just to get me back on track posting again on the forum and being committed to writing a little and getting my thoughts down in this diary instead of them just swirling around dangerously in my head.

nat