The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists

Thank ODAAT - I will reply on your thread.

Starting to enjoy work again now mind is free for the time being at least. It is as though my life has been a dead arm for many years and all of a sudden the pins and needles have subsided and I have some feeling again.

Small world...He was my man 🙂 Thanks for that...I will deffo hold out for him again!

That's a great post...Life is so much sweeter when we enjoy working 🙂

Keep wiggling those fingers - ODAAT

I am a little tired this morning and the thought of a new working day is quite daunting.

It was a trying weekend with my wife working Saturday, a bowling birthday party for one of Louis's friends and of football training Saturday and the match on Sunday.

Louis is an avid footballer, however he is not really built for it. He is more of a runner. Very skinny and weak legs so can barely kick the ball. Still, he applies his trademark pain in the ar*e at home very well on the football field. I have often felt disappointed that he did not take to the football pitch like I did at his age however he still makes the team week in week out and I was incredibly proud of his goalline clearance yesterday which really made the crown cheer in his team's 7-3 win. They were promoted up two divisions this year and were hammered 6-1 last week. Thankfully Louis was not playing that day! Hopefully with a bit more growth and practice he will bloom into a good player. I only wish he would play cricket - he has a wonderful natural stroke and perfect timing with the bat. When he was five I bowled about 50 gentle pace balls (over arm) at him pretty much all at the stumps and he only lost his wicket twice!

My little lady is also making me proud. Zoe has been ill this weekend including this morning but was very insistent that I took her into school this morning. She is doing beautifully with her violin and is nearly grade 3 after a year and a half which is very good I am told. Her dream is to study at the Royal Academy of Music. However you need to be able to play two instruments to concert standard to have a shot so her piano lessons start next month! She has a birthday in July and I want to get her a small piano so she can practice at home. I am sure that I will manage this if I do not gamble and the above is testament to those things I can provide for my children when I am not digesting in addiction's stomach!

This post was not meant to be a narrative on my children but I cannot think of any more noble cause to remaing focused on recovery. I have often said the same thing but have devoted so much time to absitence these past months I can actually see the positive results and have some genuine belief in the words that I type.

An awesome day so far. The addiction is very much locked away in its hutch and has left me to go about my daily business. Just an hour until lunch time. I have downloaded the Nike Running App on my phone and have signed myself up for an 8 week 5 mile running programme. I weigh in at a heavy 17 stone but, whilst on the cuddly side, I am certainly not obese. If I can pull off a 5 mile run in 8 weeks and stay gamble free it would heaven on earth. I do not ask for much. Today's training is a one mile brisk walk (bizarrely) which I will do at lunch time. I have at the same time been cutting out sugar from my diet with which I am already feeling better (in my brand new trousers). So, with the additional sleep acquired from not gambling overnight I feel like a different person today. I pray that whoever reads this can get to feel the same way as the feeling is awesome.

Not much use of the running ap since I downloaded it. Very busy with work and my family has been affected with cold and chest infections and I seem to be the only only to have missed out. This morning was nice. Louis's Roman assembly. Very cute and a great excuse to come in late to work. A couple of colleagues have invited me out for a pub lunch this lunchtime so very much looking forward to this. Just as well I am being treated as I am very low on funds with school trips and music lessons being paid for so I could not gamble much even if I wanted to. I need to get to the end of the month and to do so without a bet. If I can manage, in just over three weeks I will have the biggest payday since I fell into addiction some 10 years ago. This would be the payday that I have been desperate for for years and the lack of which has just spurned on my addiction. I will not be rich but I will have some money to buy clothes without shuddering and to take my kids to the cinema and my wife to a restaraunt once ina while. The sort of things I could have been enjoying all along were it not for this accursed affliction!

Just another 5 days to get through without giving into addiction and I will have the biggest reward that abstinence can bring - a genuine payday with all monthly bills paid off on time with enough left over to put some money by and to give my family a few little treats they have long deserved. I am quite excited about living a life not dominated by my excessive gambling or the financial devastation left in its wake. I am doing a lot of clock-watching at the moment. I know I need to be careful as the urges to gamble remain as stong as ever - the only difference is that the resistence at present is stronger.

March onwards will bring a different challenge as I will need to keep myself occupied and avoid boredom. Gambling and financial adversity is a perverse thing. You gamble every last penny. You use up all of your available lending channels and when you finally manage to scam another loan or borrow from friends or family you feel euphoric as though you have a big bet come in. What I am saying is not only is the gambing addictive but so is the successful hunt and forage for money afterwards. Without either I am having a lot more time on my hands so becoming bore is easy as is feeling anxious as I have more time thing. I have been trying to use this additional time these past few months by doing more work at the office and with the kids. Even so, the urge to gamble is always there and I need to avoid complaceny at all costs. I look forward to treating myself to a soup and roll from Wenzels this lunch time - another small reward for being a good boy!

Thanks for the post on my diary, I have indeed been watching Better Call Saul and last weeks was especially funny, that guy with his hummer amused me! I hope you got through the 5 days ok and March starts off in a positive manner and you stay strong.

I have made two errors in judgement. I firstly allowed addiction to take control over me last week and ended my best ever run of abstinence. I secondly thought I could go it alone like a "normal." And yet here I am crawling back as usual like the prodigal son!

Am sorry to see you back in this way always looked forward to reading you posts and opened this one and it didn't worry me that you have not posted for a while, that's normal for you I wasn't expecting what I read. Hopefully you have not done too much financial damage but that can be fixed over time. It's the mental side get back to basics and you know what to do might be time to use this place a bit more.

Just a quick question did this gambling episode come about because of the bonus you got and having that spare cash floating about?

The door opened again my friend, sorry to read this, but you have now closed it again.Draw the line and carry on:)))

Sending you strong and positive thoughts

Suzanne xxx

Thank you Suzanne and Oldhamktf for your words of encouragement. They mean a lot.

I think Oldhamktf must be the first person to say that they looked forward to my posts. If I am honest I never thought my ramblings or musings meant anything to anyone. If they did I feel quite bad having left the forum for so long as I did not want it to be a kick in the teeth to those that have supported me.

I did not gamble again because of any bonus. I gambled again because the root of my addiction lies within me. It is not about the money. It is about being generally heavily stressed, tired and bored and frustrated and having a general bleak outlook. Even when I am not gambling and have money to spare I do not believe that I will ever have the "normal" life without the excitement and ensuing devastation of gambling and short term loan applications. Gambling certainly takes away the pain, but then gives it back with interest. That is the part I forget.

I have in the past been criticised for wanting to gamble, but this is my illness. This addiction makes me want to gamble.

I want to gamble, but what I want even more is to not want to gamble, because then I wouldn't gamble.

Thankfully the financial damage done this time around is negligible. But the loss of time and reputation will take some time to recover from.

Today was an immensely and soul-destroying stressful day generally. So stressful that being treated to a wonderful Curry at a local estate agent's expense at lunch time felt like a burden rather than a privelege.

I started my day afresh at 5pm. My colleagues all went home and the phones went quiet. I got two straight hours of work done. This is always how a fresh run of abstinence starts. Crawl back to the forum. Write a brief post about what a failure I am. Work late to make up a fraction of lost time. Go home and then compensate the wife and kids with excessive affection and attention which would have been much better spread out in smaller doses over the past two weeks. Poor things.

Can relate to why you gambled, boredom, stress, tired and frustrated.

I slowly started to change my life,some very small changes, some quite big, I have now found I don't have to persevere anymore through stress, boredom, and frustration, I now change what I can to make my life better, and what I can't change I am trying to accept that it is what it is, and I can't do anything about it, so there is no point in me anymore making myself ill, I have done the best I can with stuff I can't change, so I am managing to draw a line under it, and I don't let it get to me, because I am now putting me first, If that makes sense.

You are not on your own with these feelings, but you can overcome the negativity of life with even just small changes to your life.

I hope this helps in some way,

Suzanne xxx

Thanks again Martin and Suzanne for your posts. I have replied on your own diaries.

Having done very well to enjoy a normal life these past months, I still have difficulty not giving myself a hard time about my recent slip, but I need to let go and move on.

My last best was on 2nd May - the very day Tottenham gave up a 2-0 lead against Chelsea to secure Leicester the historical Premier League title much to the delight of those who backed them to win at what are now infamous odds of 5000-1.

Needless to say, I did not back Leicester to win the Premier League title this year.

Having said that, I can rather ironically trace the origin of my gambling problem back to 8th January 2006 when I placed a £3.50 bet on Leicester to beat Tottenham in the FA Cup at odds of 9/2. Even more ironically Tottenham gave up a 2-0 lead on that day as well to hand me the win in injury time.

Before the game I remember thinking to myself how much fun it would be to have a harmless flutter. The next day (even more ironically) I gloated by showing my winning ticket to my Tottenham supporting work colleage. Well, who is laughing now?

If this co-indicidence is not enough to convince me that I will never be a winner by gambling then nothing will!

My family and I have a holiday booked and hope to travel to Cornwall for a week (as ever) in August. If I can abstain I wil be gamble free for 100 days during the holiday and will no doubt have enough cash left over to properly enjoy the holiday for once. I pray that during the first week of August I will be able to post on my diary from the beach at St Ives to celebrate the century. Positive thinking!

Whilst writing I think I need a quirky sign off to my diary post like many other. I think the following from my last post sums up the position nicely:

I want to gamble, but what I want even more, is to not want to gamble.

Mark

Hey you, not happy to hear you have slipped but have to ask what you are going to do differently this time? Working late in the evenings may be paying bills but have you considered your time may be much better invested in some counselling or GA?

You are not an idiot, you are a family man consumed in addiction & simply not gambling is not enough! True, not gambling stops some of the additional discomfort you put on top of how you feel about life in general but it doesn't teach you how to live in harmony with addiction! You have that elusive 90 days between now & then to do things differently this time...What do you have to lose?

Not wanting to gamble is possible if you commit to recovery - ODAAT